The Depression Thread

[Gem_woody]

I've never really said any of this to someone but I thought it might be cathartic to put it down here. I have never been diagnosed or properly spoken to a professional about it but I'm pretty sure I've been suffering with depression since I was a teenager, I'm now 30. Objectively, I've had a really good life and shouldn't feel like this, but I've also always hated my life and myself. I think it's actually a mix of depression/ anxiety/ body dysmorphia which is self diagnosed so I'm sorry if that offends anyone.
I'm not going to kill myself (I don't want to hurt the people I love) but I don't want to be alive as I'm apathetic about life and would rather not be here. I fantasise about dying sometimes...(never admitted that before). Saying that, I've kept up with full time jobs, a lovely relationship, hobbies and a social life but I feel like I'm pretending to be happy most of the time. It definitely plays a part in me not wanting to do normal life things like get married and have children. I don't seem to view life the way most people do, I overthink and I'm just a nihilist.
A way of coping with my depression is- I kind of made peace with it a few years ago and just accepted that it's the way I am.

 

[jarv]

@Gem_woody so much of what you say resonates with me. I feel so guilty for feeling so low because realistically my life is good and it's easy going, I have to keep reminding myself depression and anxiety are relative and irrational. I also don't really want to go through the motions of life anymore and can't seem to work out how to find a way back to enjoying life. I really want to be a parent and get married and own a home but I'm not sure I'll cope. My mum had depression over the years as I was growing up and I had to carry so much of that to support her. I don't resent her for it and I understand things were hard for her, but I wouldn't want to end up relying on my kids. I know people with depression have kids all the time and are amazing parents so that's not me bashing any parents btw, I just think for me personally I question if I can cope.

 

[LittleMy]

I’m sorry so many of us have experienced feeling the lowest of the low, and I do wish this thread was emptier, but at the same time I suppose it’s comforting to know that you aren’t alone in feeling this way. It’s good to have a space to be able to share our experiences without fear of judgement.

Spoiler: TW: Suicidal thoughts, sexual assault

I think about ending it all daily. I just feel like I should never have been born. I’ve always felt different to others, like I’m faking my way through life just to get through it. When people say I should be grateful for my life it really grates on me. I didn’t choose to be born, and if I could’ve I would’ve chosen not to be the person that I am nor feel this way. I resent my parents for having me. I grew up in a toxic environment, my dad was disinterested in being a parent, he was physically abusive towards my mum (who I was closer to despite her taking her frustrations out on me often).

My dad left when I was about 8 and around that time I was sexually assaulted by a family friend who was trusted to look after me. I’ve never mentioned it at all except here as the person has since passed away, and I don’t want to as it would cause a lot of hurt in my family. This was a person everyone liked and trusted, I have tried to block it out since but the memory hangs over me like a dark cloud.

A few years later, I lost my older cousin who I was very close to. She had down syndrome and was more like a sister to me than a cousin. She was my favourite person on Earth (aside from my grandmother). Her death had a massive impact at a time when I was already going through so much mentally. The grief of losing someone you love never leaves you

The first time I think I properly understood how I was feeling was suicidal was around 16, when I was heavily pressured into losing my virginity to my older boyfriend at the time. I only felt used and disgusting after, which was cemented further by the fact that he was a serial cheat who had lots of girls on the go. I felt so stupid and after a period of shutting everyone out completely I went off the rails, drinking and partying every weekend not caring where I ended up. I was never the type to do that sort of thing, always very sensible and quiet. In the times when I was truly alone I’d Google ways to kill myself; I’d daydream about it and then eventually tried a couple of separate times when I was deep in my depressive episode, but couldn’t follow through. That was just the first time, I had my first massive breakdown at 21 and this led to my mum pushing me to go see the GP for the first time. I had another breakdown a few years later after a long term relationship ended but it was the wake up call I needed and I came out of that a better person.

After a long period of coping on my own, lately I’ve been feeling extremely anxious and depressed again, questioning the point of my existence, and I’m heavily considering going back on medication. I have two little boys now and I love them with all my heart. I’m trying to think of them every time the thought of ending it all comes up because they need me and their dad. They have additional needs and will likely need support their entire lives, so I can’t die. They and my very supportive husband are what keep me going even although my days are often plagued with the worst thoughts about myself, though I often feel guilty when I’m not “fun mummy” because it can take me all my time to drag myself out of bed during my depressive periods.

My anxiety stops me from being able to enjoy life because I worry and stress over the most ridiculous things. I feel it’s been triggered by the pandemic and probably have a bit of underlying trauma from that. I’m a frontline worker in a care home and it has been hellish at times. I went into my job last March excited to get back into the swing of it again after a few years of being home taking care of the kids and now I deeply regret it. I physically dread going there.

 

[Maid22]

I've been thinking of this thread all morning, I resonate with most of what you guys have been and are still going through, I've tried to write it down but don't articulate very well, it comes out like a jumbled mess, like my brain most days. I just wanted to thank you all for sharing, and I am no hugger, but would give you all a huge bear hug, take care each and everyone of you xx

 

[jarv]

@LittleMy i don't have any words, I'm so sorry that you have been through so much. It takes a great deal of strength to get through life with all that weight on your shoulders x

 

[chandlercheesecake]

I dream of running away somewhere and hiding from the world. Change my name and appearance so no one can find me.
I have made a lot of mistakes in my life due to low self esteem and being easily led.
I don't want to die, but I just want to feel free and at peace.

 

[jarv]

So I have an initial assessment telephone appointment via IAPT self referral tomorrow afternoon. I have to do the depression and anxiety questionnaire in advance, so I've just had a look and got almost maximum score for both, at least I'm a high achiever at something

Then on Tuesday I've got a counselling session with someone through the service my employer uses. I spoke to her on the phone the other day and she seemed nice but I get the sense she'll be a "what's the problem and how are you going to solve it" type. I've done counselling before and found it so draining, so I've already said to myself that I'll save some good telly to watch and order a takeaway after so I've got something to look forward to.

I really want to try and take better care of myself this week as I'm determined to return to work next Monday. I'm hoping to get myself out for a short run in the morning to get back into the swing of it, I really don't want to fail at completing the half marathon I'm signed up for in September.

Is anyone here on medication? I'm thinking of asking my doctor to prescribe something to try and dull the nasty thoughts and to help me sleep better.

 

[Raymond Luxury-Yacht]

Like @LittleMy, I wish this thread was emptier, yet I feel so grateful to everyone for sharing their stories. You are not alone!

Is anyone here on medication? I'm thinking of asking my doctor to prescribe something to try and dull the nasty thoughts and to help me sleep better.

I’ve suffered from depression, anxiety and panic attacks since my school years, and last month I was prescribed Prozac for the first time in my life. I did not see any effect at first but now it’s been three weeks and I feel so much better. I don’t have crazy mood swings anymore, I don’t feel

Spoiler: TW

suicidal

and I sleep better too. I had some side effects at first, like hot flashes, heartburn and slightly blurred vision but they have gradually subsided.

 

[isabellalovescats]

@jarv I asked my doctor to prescribe me Seroquel to help me sleep and stop the thoughts at night. It really helps with my anxiety and insomnia. Maybe that could be an option for you. Talk to your doctor about it!

Other than that, I’ve been on Zoloft, Mirtazapine, and a bunch of other medications I can’t remember for my depression. Zoloft worked but gave me terrible initial side effects for the first week I start/restart it. I am horrible with taking meds regularly so being in pain every time I restart Zoloft turned me off from it. Mirtazapine helped but I gained 35 lbs in 1.5 years so I told my doctor I needed to stop that because I was developing ED due to the weight gain.

 

[LittleMy]

I was on Prozac/Fluoxetine when at my lowest. It did make a big difference to my overall mood and made it much easier to function again, but you have to keep going with it to give it a chance. I’d also not recommend coming off them cold turkey once you feel your mood has stabilised and you think you don’t need them any more. I did once and I ended up worse than I was when I started taking them.

Is anyone here on medication? I'm thinking of asking my doctor to prescribe something to try and dull the nasty thoughts and to help me sleep better.

Amitriptyline is an anti-depressant often used for treating anxiety disorders. It also helps with sleep as you take it before bed. Have a word with your doctor and together you can discuss what medication would be best for what you’re experiencing and your general health.

 

[jarv]

Thanks @LittleMy @Raymond Luxury-Yacht and @isabellalovescats

 

[kachoochoo]

I'm on citalopram and I'm not sure I'd still be here without it.

the overarching impression from reading online is that antidepressants make things worse, but, for me at least that's not the case and I think we need to get away from this depiction

I'm not cured from anxiety and depression, but I can live with it. I don't think cure is possible.

I had 6 weeks therapy through work a few years ago which was great until the therapist said in the 6th appt, "well, you're not in a heap on the floor"

it's not a magic bullet, but antidepressants in conjunction with coping techniques* is the way forward.

*coping techniques like "breathe in for a count of five, breathe out for a count of seven" when you're catastrophisng

*grounding techniques like noticing things you can see/hear/smell/taste/touch

 

[isabellalovescats]

A bit OT: but I’ve been on Citalopram and Amitripline as well! Lol I’ve been on so many meds I forgot the names.

I think it’s a different journey for everyone re: the meds. Some people find their match earlier than others. For me, it’s been almost five years since I started on mental health meds and I’ve only found two antidepressants that help me manage depression but messed up other aspects of my health. So I’m very skeptical of them atm. But for anxiety, I am loving Seroquel and I can’t imagine getting through life without it rn.

A lot of the time, depression comes with other diagnoses as well. I have BPD and social anxiety along with MDD (all diagnosed - moderate to severe). I also have ED, OCD, and PTSD symptoms but not consistent or intense enough to be diagnosed officially. My psychiatrist is really nice and she’s been working with my GP to treat these symptoms so that they fade away and never become fixture diagnoses.

An advice is to try and have a robust medical team if possible. I learned the importance of that over the nine years I’ve struggled with mental illnesses. I now have a psychologist, psychiatrist, and a GP in addition to a crisis therapist in my corner and they keep me alive. I’m very lucky to have them.

 

[Sideboard Bob]

Hi there, never posted in this thread before, but sending so many positive thoughts to you all.
I’ve had pretty bad depression for a couple of years now.
Does anyone else struggle with the summertime? I usually LOVE summer, bright sunny weather, but just now I feel like I hate it. I can’t enjoy anything (again, this is not what I’m really like), and it feels like this weather just makes everything to bright and “loud” if that makes sense? I feel like such a twit complaining about sunshine But it just feels like everything’s too much.

 

[kachoochoo]

Hi there, never posted in this thread before, but sending so many positive thoughts to you all.
I’ve had pretty bad depression for a couple of years now.
Does anyone else struggle with the summertime? I usually LOVE summer, bright sunny weather, but just now I feel like I hate it. I can’t enjoy anything (again, this is not what I’m really like), and it feels like this weather just makes everything to bright and “loud” if that makes sense? I feel like such a twit complaining about sunshine But it just feels like everything’s too much.

honestly, I feel you, SideyB. in theory, I do love it but summer's been too much for me for many years. it used to be feeling pressure to properly *enjoy* it when I just couldn't and then last year was too stressful to enjoy and I'm figuring this year's going to be the same

 

[Sideboard Bob]

honestly, I feel you, SideyB. in theory, I do love it but summer's been too much for me for many years. it used to be feeling pressure to properly *enjoy* it when I just couldn't and then last year was too stressful to enjoy and I'm figuring this year's going to be the same

I’m so sorry you feel the same @kachoochoo I’m glad someone understands though, it’s such an isolating feeling.

 

[isabellalovescats]

I’m so sorry you feel the same @kachoochoo I’m glad someone understands though, it’s such an isolating feeling.

Just adding complete agreement to both of your statements. People expect me to be fun and happy and outgoing because it’s summer. I have MDD lol I’m not gonna be healed by the sunshine automatically. And I have social anxiety so no, I don’t feel better when I see swarms of people happily socializing out and about.

 

[Barbie2020]

Depression is such a witch I would say this past year I’ve had low moods about 85% of the time. I’m on my own in the week when my boyfriend works away and I just feel a crippling loneliness and life is passing me by. It’s about just getting through each day at the moment.

I don’t want to die but sometimes I don’t want to be alive, it’s too painful. As much as I’m glad there is more awareness around mental health, I do get annoyed that there are a lot of people who say they suffer with their mental health now who probably have one bad day a year or get nervous time to time. It makes a mockery of people who genuinely suffer.

sending love to everyone

 

[Lord Voldemort]

I honestly can't cope with my mood swings.
My sleep is tit, I've been awake 24 hours & my brain won't shut up even though I'm on heavy doses of medication
I swear I have like, an opposite seasonal affective disorder, where i get more depressed in summer?? Weird.
I feel kinda bad because i have literally had some of the best mental health treatment you could get...yet I am still struggling.
Feel a bit like I've wasted all that NHS money

 

[Elisha97]

I’m really struggling at the moment. I’ve been depressed and massively anxious since the age of 4 and I’m in my 20s now.

currently my mental health is so bad that I don’t go out and see anyone, my moods swing massively one way or the other so my life flips between fully on track and completely lost the plot and it’s so upsetting. Ive had years of CBT of all kinds, counselling and medication for depression that hadn’t helped. I’ve had a high couple of months which resulted in me getting £6000 into debt buying stuff I wouldn’t normally with no thought process then I suddenly just crashed and want to die again and don’t see the point in living. It’s exhausting as I’m either completely obsessive and trying to control everything and when something happens I lose the plot and I’m too depressed to do anything other than lay on the sofa and cry for months. I’m not suicidal, I just want the swings and the pain and the thoughts to stop if that makes sense. I referred myself in January as I began to think I could have something more ‘complex and serious’ than depression that has to be tackled in a different way but I won’t even be seen until the end of July.