The Depression Thread #2

[LennyBriscoe]

It is so reassuring to have someone, or people , even though they are online that understand that things can be tough even though externally it seems that everything should be great (lovely wife, dog that has got me through, house, volunteering job that makes me smile).

My mother told me the other day to pull myself together and not spout “psychology s***” at her when I was trying to explain how I felt.

Thank you so much Lenny. I will spend some time looking into this. I hope things improve for you too xxx

I’m so sorry your mum said that to you ITT, that couldn’t be less helpful. I reckon you’ll always find someone here who can sympathise or empathise because as much as we’re all nasty Tattle Trolls () I’ve never met such a kind bunch of strangers, with a wealth of knowledge and understanding - one of which is you ITT.

I was disappointed we couldn’t message anymore and I wasn’t sure whether or not to say this in ‘public’ so I hope it’s ok - when I returned to Monroesville, I noticed a shift in your type of post. You seemed more despondent and really quite down but it didn’t just seem connected to Jack if that makes sense. You’re so funny and quick witted and it was like you couldn’t be bothered making jokes. I really hope I haven’t overstepped the mark in saying that.

My Dr Smith book has arrived but procrastinating is my middle name so I’ll maybe be able to provide a book review in 6-9 months. Good god, am I Jack?!

Lots of love

 

[StillLucilleBluth]

I'm not sure how to quote a post in the last thread and will inevitably bungle it, so I won't try - but @Sideboard Bob I kept wanting to reply properly to your last post there, and I hoped it might be interesting for others too. I read your post (and please tell me if I'm overstepping / getting it wrong) as being at least partly about intrusive thoughts. With that in mind, I wondered if you had read about Internal Family Systems therapy? It was founded by Dr Richard Schwartz and builds on the idea that we all have all these 'parts' - critical parts, angry parts, sad parts, distracting parts etc. - that exist for good reason but sometimes get kind of distorted and scream for attention. So rather than thinking of the mind / ourselves as one thing, thinking of ourselves as a huge family of parts. It's a bit like inner child work, but more flexible. And the reason I thought it might be of interest is because he talks a lot about how (and why) these parts act out, telling us terrible things, scaring us, punishing ourselves etc. They're all doing it to try to protect us (in a misguided way sometimes) and just want a bit of attention. Once we give them attention, they can relax. That's my amateur summary, but I hope it helps. I find it is working quite well for me at the moment (but as a disclaimer, I am a big advocate of talk therapy etc. at the best of times, and I know it's not for everyone and is no replacement for medication, which I do also take).

Sending love to all.

ETA a link for further reading just in case: https://ifs-institute.com/about-us/richard-c-schwartz-phd and https://ifs-institute.com/store/419 . Not the most modern website but a decent starting point. And Dick Schwartz has been on lots of podcasts recently too.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I’m so sorry your mum said that to you ITT, that couldn’t be less helpful. I reckon you’ll always find someone here who can sympathise or empathise because as much as we’re all nasty Tattle Trolls () I’ve never met such a kind bunch of strangers, with a wealth of knowledge and understanding - one of which is you ITT.

I was disappointed we couldn’t message anymore and I wasn’t sure whether or not to say this in ‘public’ so I hope it’s ok - when I returned to Monroesville, I noticed a shift in your type of post. You seemed more despondent and really quite down but it didn’t just seem connected to Jack if that makes sense. You’re so funny and quick witted and it was like you couldn’t be bothered making jokes. I really hope I haven’t overstepped the mark in saying that.

My Dr Smith book has arrived but procrastinating is my middle name so I’ll maybe be able to provide a book review in 6-9 months. Good god, am I Jack?!

Lots of love

Oh, your message made me tear up. I had to go out to the shop and do my “job”, but .

Sometimes everything does feel really heavy, the guilt for not doing what I was meant to be doing in life spreads everywhere. It is the realisation that life will no longer be what it was. It is the constant battle not to go back into old habits. This place has honestly been my lifeline to social connection and it has been months to accept that too. That lives change, that the ways we socially interact change, that our expectations of where we would be change if things come along to radically alter our MH (and physical health).

If you rate the book, I will definitely get it, she seems really good from what I have now looked at on Instagram.

Thank you for accepting me here and for letting me speak.

 

[Squittel]

I can’t comprehend that anyone could care about me or that it would make a difference to anyone if I wasn’t here. It’s not that I think people would be better off without me, I just feel like it wouldn’t make a difference. I don’t make a positive impact on anyone nor a negative one. I think even my husband and 3 year old would forget about me in a few days.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

I can’t comprehend that anyone could care about me or that it would make a difference to anyone if I wasn’t here. It’s not that I think people would be better off without me, I just feel like it wouldn’t make a difference. I don’t make a positive impact on anyone nor a negative one. I think even my husband and 3 year old would forget about me in a few days.

I hear you, I have similar thoughts as well. And I know that me saying “of course they would” won’t help/will minimise how you feel.

I don’t think I’ve come across you on Tattle before but if you contribute to threads regularly, I bet the other posters would miss you. And by posting on here, you’re helping others - we all need someone to bring us out our own heads from time to time.

If your husband tells you he cares about you, can you accept he wouldn’t just say that? Sometimes we have to accept that our own judgement might be skewed?

 

[Sideboard Bob]

I'm not sure how to quote a post in the last thread and will inevitably bungle it, so I won't try - but @Sideboard Bob I kept wanting to reply properly to your last post there, and I hoped it might be interesting for others too. I read your post (and please tell me if I'm overstepping / getting it wrong) as being at least partly about intrusive thoughts. With that in mind, I wondered if you had read about Internal Family Systems therapy? It was founded by Dr Richard Schwartz and builds on the idea that we all have all these 'parts' - critical parts, angry parts, sad parts, distracting parts etc. - that exist for good reason but sometimes get kind of distorted and scream for attention. So rather than thinking of the mind / ourselves as one thing, thinking of ourselves as a huge family of parts. It's a bit like inner child work, but more flexible. And the reason I thought it might be of interest is because he talks a lot about how (and why) these parts act out, telling us terrible things, scaring us, punishing ourselves etc. They're all doing it to try to protect us (in a misguided way sometimes) and just want a bit of attention. Once we give them attention, they can relax. That's my amateur summary, but I hope it helps. I find it is working quite well for me at the moment (but as a disclaimer, I am a big advocate of talk therapy etc. at the best of times, and I know it's not for everyone and is no replacement for medication, which I do also take).

Sending love to all.

ETA a link for further reading just in case: https://ifs-institute.com/about-us/richard-c-schwartz-phd and https://ifs-institute.com/store/419 . Not the most modern website but a decent starting point. And Dick Schwartz has been on lots of podcasts recently too.

I can’t thank you enough for this @StillLucilleBluth I don’t have the words just now, but I just need to let you know this is so helpful, and I appreciate it so much. You are so kind to take the time x

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Oh, your message made me tear up. I had to go out to the shop and do my “job”, but .

Sometimes everything does feel really heavy, the guilt for not doing what I was meant to be doing in life spreads everywhere. It is the realisation that life will no longer be what it was. It is the constant battle not to go back into old habits. This place has honestly been my lifeline to social connection and it has been months to accept that too. That lives change, that the ways we socially interact change, that our expectations of where we would be change if things come along to radically alter our MH (and physical health).

If you rate the book, I will definitely get it, she seems really good from what I have now looked at on Instagram.

Thank you for accepting me here and for letting me speak.

That’s given me an incentive to get cracking - I may not think I’m worthy of happiness but you certainly are so I’ll read it and give an honest account.

I often turn to Tattle for escapism. The anonymity gives me confidence to be myself and without that I would lurk and if I did that, I’d miss out on the community of the threads I follow.

It’s hard when we have a projection for our lives and it doesn’t go to plan. It’s hard not to feel angry and disappointed and cheated. I hope it’s ok to share this here. Our Health Visitor told me about it as I thought I was going to Italy but went to Holland instead. I’m still not always ok with being in Holland, I still wish I could have gone to Italy and I definitely miss out on the beauty and fabulousness of Holland because of how I feel. It’s about having an ASN child but I think it could apply to other situations (interchangeable. A bit like herbs):

 

[Maid22]

I hadn't realised until earlier there was a new thread, I'm ok at the mo, but just wanted to send to all the lovely folk on this thread.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

@Into_the_tunnel I had some unexpected free time today so I decided to start reading ‘Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before’ by Dr Julie Smith. My preference was to scroll through Tattle - something I identified in what I read as something that numbs how I feel and gives me a short-term change of mood but I went for the book instead.

It’s really easy to read and I read the first section and made some notes etc within about an hour and a half. It reminded me of things I’d learned from my AA sponsor (we’re not responsible for our thoughts but we are responsible for how we deal with them) and gratitude lists but it also gives quite easy to read scenarios. There’s a good chapter about getting the basics right and she uses the analogy of a football team not playing any defenders and how susceptible they’d be to teams who would never have a hope of beating them - if we aren’t sleeping, eating well, looking after ourselves then we’ve not got our basics covered.

I have the book (£7.99 from Amazon) and my husband has the audio book, which he prefers.

@Pollyanna263 I’ve had three nights of 75mg of Amitriptylene and I feel like I’ve had good sleeps. It’s coincided with my son sleeping through the night though so I don’t know if it would have any impact on whether I could hear him.

Love to everyone

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

@Into_the_tunnel I had some unexpected free time today so I decided to start reading ‘Why Has Nobody Told Me This Before’ by Dr Julie Smith. My preference was to scroll through Tattle - something I identified in what I read as something that numbs how I feel and gives me a short-term change of mood but I went for the book instead.

It’s really easy to read and I read the first section and made some notes etc within about an hour and a half. It reminded me of things I’d learned from my AA sponsor (we’re not responsible for our thoughts but we are responsible for how we deal with them) and gratitude lists but it also gives quite easy to read scenarios. There’s a good chapter about getting the basics right and she uses the analogy of a football team not playing any defenders and how susceptible they’d be to teams who would never have a hope of beating them - if we aren’t sleeping, eating well, looking after ourselves then we’ve not got our basics covered.

I have the book (£7.99 from Amazon) and my husband has the audio book, which he prefers.

@Pollyanna263 I’ve had three nights of 75mg of Amitriptylene and I feel like I’ve had good sleeps. It’s coincided with my son sleeping through the night though so I don’t know if it would have any impact on whether I could hear him.

Love to everyone

Finding some aspects on here tough, reinfection of covid tough so sorry for delayed reply. As soon as I can I think I will go and get this. I am pretty sure I have Waterstones points.

Like you, I need to focus my mind on challenges and this seems like a good one. It is so easy to fall back into those bad ways. I know that the basics are required, that a shower and a good meal will stop later destructive behaviours but the later behaviours are like a hug, you know they are they for comfort later on.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. It is really hard. Seeing all the families being super happy on SM, seeing people on here being (in my critical and probably wrong mind) hypocritical and tell the threadees to get off SM and be present. My thing is to try to do what you makes you and those around you the happiest because that is the most precious thing.

 

[newaccount2022]

Hi everyone and thanks for making a new thread. I just joined the last thread towards the end.

I wanted to say I empathise and understand everyone who has chimed in about lack of money/time. If I had the resources to help myself I would, I would love to be happy and present and 'normal'. But like you have all said, bills have to be paid. You have to work 8-6, there's no counselling appointments in the evening and work won't let you take off early every week. We are not celebrities who can check into a rehab facility with a coastal view.

I don't know what countries you all are from but I know for my country they say 'reach out' and 'tell someone' well it's very hard to get a doctors appointment and impossible to find a psychologist after work or at weekends. I have worked all my life full time, always paid my taxes, got a degree, never done anything wrong my whole life... I half looked at my options to see if I could leave my job to help myself and when I tried to query any short term dole payment/disability/mental health support I was chastised on the phone. You're not unwell enough until you've killed yourself. And then they say 'I wish she had spoken up'.

 

[LennyBriscoe]

Finding some aspects on here tough, reinfection of covid tough so sorry for delayed reply. As soon as I can I think I will go and get this. I am pretty sure I have Waterstones points.

Like you, I need to focus my mind on challenges and this seems like a good one. It is so easy to fall back into those bad ways. I know that the basics are required, that a shower and a good meal will stop later destructive behaviours but the later behaviours are like a hug, you know they are they for comfort later on.

I hope everyone is having a good weekend. It is really hard. Seeing all the families being super happy on SM, seeing people on here being (in my critical and probably wrong mind) hypocritical and tell the threadees to get off SM and be present. My thing is to try to do what you makes you and those around you the happiest because that is the most precious thing.

I don’t know about you but I’m incredibly hard on myself. I have unrealistically high expectations of myself that I wouldn’t put even a tiny percentage of onto anyone else. One of the things mentioned in the book (which I had a conversation with my sponsor about) is “shoulds” - I “should” be able to deal with this, I “should” be doing this with my time…and when I don’t do it, I’m very unforgiving my myself. It’s so destructive.

I’m staying off social media today. Everyone and their auntie will be doing Easter Egg hunts with their kids and that kind of thing wouldn’t work with my son yet. Whatever everyone has planned or not planned today then I hope you all enjoy your day

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I keep getting waves of low level depression. I have worked so hard to get through the worst periods of my life and awful mental health, even the low level episodes scare me.

I have so much on my plate, I feel like im living by distraction atm. The down time, rare that it is, is spent thinking about all the things I should be doing but having no energy or motivation to do them. Then comes the guilt.

I just want to sleep.

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I keep getting waves of low level depression. I have worked so hard to get through the worst periods of my life and awful mental health, even the low level episodes scare me.

I have so much on my plate, I feel like im living by distraction atm. The down time, rare that it is, is spent thinking about all the things I should be doing but having no energy or motivation to do them. Then comes the guilt.

I just want to sleep.

I know being in the middle of a BH weekend is really tough, but is there anyone (even 111, the Samaritans) you can call if you are feeling this low? Talking through the things you feel you have on your shoulders may help somewhat in the immediate term and get you through until Tuesday when you could arrange to see the doctor?

We are all geographically separated on here and all have very different battles to face, but you are not alone. You have people here that can listen, maybe not be of direct practical help but can be here if it feels too much.


ETA- if you want to put your “things” behind a spoiler please do, just to unload. It might help. It might show you that you do have a lot to deal with and you are doing amazingly just coping as you are. Do whatever helps

 

[Begborrowsteal]

I know being in the middle of a BH weekend is really tough, but is there anyone (even 111, the Samaritans) you can call if you are feeling this low? Talking through the things you feel you have on your shoulders may help somewhat in the immediate term and get you through until Tuesday when you could arrange to see the doctor?

We are all geographically separated on here and all have very different battles to face, but you are not alone. You have people here that can listen, maybe not be of direct practical help but can be here if it feels too much.

I won't bother with the GP, I ran myself into the ground recently and was signed off. I'm back to work now, I think it's likely a case of burnout. I've been on ADs for years and am well versed in my MH - it's scary though when you think you're out of the worst of it, because you have this false sense of security. But tit mental health, you never truely escape it.

Fortunately, I'm not alone - I have my partner who is supportive and my kids. I just need to really grit my teeth and get through this

 

[Into_the_tunnel]

I won't bother with the GP, I ran myself into the ground recently and was signed off. I'm back to work now, I think it's likely a case of burnout. I've been on ADs for years and am well versed in my MH - it's scary though when you think you're out of the worst of it, because you have this false sense of security. But tit mental health, you never truely escape it.

Fortunately, I'm not alone - I have my partner who is supportive and my kids. I just need to really grit my teeth and get through this

Please take care of yourself.

You sound very self-aware regarding this so I am probably speaking to the converted, but when it hits it is hard to see things rationally.

I am not saying what I should… sorry. Will come back and be more eloquent

 

[Begborrowsteal]

Please take care of yourself.

You sound very self-aware regarding this so I am probably speaking to the converted, but when it hits it is hard to see things rationally.

I am not saying what I should… sorry. Will come back and be more eloquent

No, don't apologise! It's good to just put it out there somewhere. Too often I keep things in my head, on autopilot, and only realise it's bad when I crash!

 

[Maid22]

I keep getting waves of low level depression. I have worked so hard to get through the worst periods of my life and awful mental health, even the low level episodes scare me.

I have so much on my plate, I feel like im living by distraction atm. The down time, rare that it is, is spent thinking about all the things I should be doing but having no energy or motivation to do them. Then comes the guilt.

I just want to sleep.

You are me today, I've hit a real low, knew it was coming, but the feeling is awful. I've also loads to do, but I've crawled back to bed, had abit of a high earlier seen someone I haven't seen for years that was nice, but now I'm feeling meh. Take care x

 

[Blue Rose]

So a while ago I mentioned joining a society at university to try and make some friends which I did. I went to two sessions and although haven’t exactly made friends with everyone, felt welcomed. The other week I was at placement and too tired to go so skipped it but then I caught covid so couldn’t go last week either. I’ve just turned up today and there’s none here. I am a little early but I’m worried it might be cancelled and I’ve just traveled here for no reason. It says on the website it’s on but I don’t know if the heads of society actually update that or whether it’s just automatically set up to say that every week. There’s no other way I can see whether sessions are on and I don’t know what to do. I feel so embarrassed. I just wanted to interact with someone other than my parents.

 

[Pollyanna263]

So a while ago I mentioned joining a society at university to try and make some friends which I did. I went to two sessions and although haven’t exactly made friends with everyone, felt welcomed. The other week I was at placement and too tired to go so skipped it but then I caught covid so couldn’t go last week either. I’ve just turned up today and there’s none here. I am a little early but I’m worried it might be cancelled and I’ve just traveled here for no reason. It says on the website it’s on but I don’t know if the heads of society actually update that or whether it’s just automatically set up to say that every week. There’s no other way I can see whether sessions are on and I don’t know what to do. I feel so embarrassed. I just wanted to interact with someone other than my parents.

What time is it due to start?
Don’t leave yet. You’ve done the hard part by even getting there