The Chateau Diaries #260 Stephanie Jarvis - the chatelaine of shoppin', clickbait, croc' tears & money

[KyBourbon]

4077th M*A*S*H

 

[Iolair]

Today...
I was rushed to hospital.

Actually, that's a complete lie, written for dramatic effect. No-one rushed. I woke up, unable to breathe, hubby got the car out and rather sedately drove me to hospital. I was having my very first asthma attack. And I didn't even know I had asthma. A barage of tests, a litany of triggers to look out for, a few hours resting under observation, with nothing to do but read Tattle, a steroid injection, discharged with a dozen medical pamphlets, a prescription for the Symbicourt Turbohaler 200, a good talking to by the doctor and orders to rest. Asthma has surprised and humbled me. I truly didn't appreciate just how much asthmatics struggled to breathe until it happened to me. It was quite scary! Sincerely don't want it to happen again.

So, Patron Day hasn't interested me. Fanny can go fuck herself. My heart goes out to my fellow asthma suffers - sadly I have joined your ranks. Bugger.

Take care.

 

[Marquis de Potpourri]

The story of Lalande lately....

SJ: "It's so beautiful with the little waterdrops...It's so pretty I thought I'd show you all."

SJ has so little content to show, she resorted to showing a colander of lemons in a sink!



Maria tells the diners: "We have tomato tartare with avocado underneath!"
Where I'm from those are called salsa and guacamole! We serve them with tortilla chips!
What a way to piss at the B&B guests!

 

[Iolair]

That's for all us peasants that don't know what a wet lemon looks like....

She could have just sprayed Tante with the garden hose to get the same result.

 

[mousepanda8]

Patreon video is up. Here is the drama ...


Starts with a lovely view if the tent and Stephanie ( In another brand new dress) that looks like she is naked thanking patreon's for coming.
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A view of the tent - with all the lalande ( downstairs staff) chilling after a long few days at work

Dan the not so man has taken a few days off and come to film the patreon days ( but don't worry she filmed a lot too - so the patron funders will get all the specials over the next few weeks)

Today we get the day before patreon day ( all the hard work None of which is done by strep)


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Anne Marie himself is back - Strep tells him we missed him - he doubts it - Steph tells us he was working on a secret project or biritish TV which is why he hasn't been on camera recently
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Nick, Oncle and Marie are setting up the tent for patreon day- They borrowed it for free from the local commune ( la association Bonvauve) apparently they mayor helped them take it down to transport to Lieland and they got a drink of wine at 10;30 that morning

They have 2 tents and they have put them so they face the Chapel (I wonder if that helps drum up more money from the brainless fools and helps them open the wallets - to save the chapel) * cough cough to fund fanny's next holiday*
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Its jared birthday so Tante has made cupcakes with cream and blackberries ( at least she is kind enough to think of something for him)

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Jared has turned the dining room into a ampitheatre for the piano concert that Marie apparently will treat the patrons to - I noticed that that is a lot of wine glasses and tumbler shakers out in Peacock corner - a boozy weekend coming eh!

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Nasti is seen whne step asked her to sit and look at the piano ampitheatre movng a bunch of board games - do they plan of bring the guests to death so they retire to play alone?

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Back to tante and the cupcakes - they are for luch- aparently it will be breakfast for both Maria and strep (who was apparently awake for ages but has no breakfasts)


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They look delicious - my grandma made similar ones with strawberry jam, whipped cream and putting the top back in 2 halves as butterfly wings - a war recipe I believe.

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Onto Pavlina - who steph asked if she pulled the short straw of weeding - She is on the unsafe balcony and stairs ( That Brenda and co on FB said last week are safe, they just shouldn't use the stairs) -Maybe a bite against fB questions of the structural integrity of the balcony

part 2 - ( stopped allowing me to edit - 20 mins in)

Jarred's birthday lunch

Stepahnie asked if she could make a wish and hopes Jared find the perfect holiday home just one minute away - RUN JARED you are way to nice and talented to be wrapped up in her lying mess - Go somewhere you will be appreciated

The birthday champagne comes out - Maria announces it is actually a prize that she and Pavlina won ( where?) and that Pav hid it in her room and she wondered if it had been quietly drunk - not at all tacky to announce it was free.

Nick, Oncle and Anna - Marie working hard to put the tent together.

M&M arrive with Scottman ( so timeskip to before lunch)

Marie is working to arrange flowers for the tables etc and clean the weekend vases - Guests for patreon flog will apparently be making posies -

Another time skip as they look out the window and they can hear a tractor - but no tent is made yet - PLEASE for the love of God put these clips in a logical time order -

Tante is now ironing all the tablecloths and making them! - ( so is this before or after lunch? )
Also don't you have enough - i swore the Narnia dustcave was full of that stuff- why not reuse - unless moths have got them all

back to the kitchen where M&M have been put to work - They are making some cheeseballs for staff -

We get some slapstick from Scotty who seemt o be doing nothing but once the camera appears he starts saying he is making M&M work ( you's work pointing at them)- actually in quite a bossy and agressive manner. M&M joke they miss Isabelle.

Scottman has been assigned pressure washing

stuart says she is making lamb ( marinated) with carrots ( fresh from the garden) with 400,000 tomatos) with quinoire and lentils, and leak oil.

Phillip has been arranging tables and chairs under the tent -

She jokes about putting a test on the table to see which patreons have been paying attention to the videos

she hopes to announce next years dates sooner mid September this year so more people can make it ( lets hope there is a dump left to vsiit then) - At least she has lots of time to plan next years holidays now around it

She thanks them for changing all their lives

Goodbye

 

[Tea with lemon]

Ha! That's probably why she looks so stressed out, or is that disgust?
---

HOW DO YOU DO THIS?????

When I decide to leave Tattle I will give you a secret to keep the skill from dying.
Until then, I'll bask in the glory (because no one notices me anyway).

 

[Karma baby!]

Did she run out of stuff to... stuff her bosom?
For someone who spends a lot of money on so many expensive clothing, she always manages to make them look ill fitting and awkward. Either too tight, or too big.

 

[marotta]

Imagine how absolutely shameless you must be to wear a 860 euro dress while having people over that are paying for the upkeep of your home.

 

[graciemckitten]

Patreon video observations:

I love how Stephanie refers to the LieLande decorating scheme as “ countryside chic.” I think it is more like “countryside shit.”

Amaury is still grimacing when assaulted by the man hand clutching the little pink phone. It is getting more and more difficult for him to be civil to Cuz Fanny on camera. He is so over the Dump crap.

I guess they threw away the tablecloths sewn by Sarah at last year’s extravaganza. The sewing machine has been broken? Lazy Fanny won’t fix or replace the sewing machine so her Aunt has to iron fusing tape to fashion tablecloths out of grifted fabrics at the last minute? She didn’t look thrilled to be hastily putting together tablecloths at the last minute, after preparing birthday cupcakes for chatelaine in waiting Jarod ( as Fanny hopes they will find a home close to LieLande. She really had to control herself not to use the words, tiny, tiny, house.) whoops, guess Fanny didn’t get the memo Jared is moving to Florida, I thought Auntie was preparing cupcakes for the loyal Patrons who had traveled days to see their beloved Shittelaine. Nope, they are for the Dump crew.

F4F whines about having to eat soooooooo many blackberries that have grown from the plants Davy selected and planted. She complains about certain flowers she dislikes being grown at the Dump while disingenuously love bombing Marie. She complains about the free tents and tables she scammed from the local Mayor. The 50% discount Shittelaine is never satisfied or grateful for anything, the family members who come to her rescue constantly, mountains of freeebies and hundreds of hours of free work, etc.

Why didn’t Khillip get his sorry, lazy ass outside to help put up the tents. Was he afraid he would be pressured to remove his shirt? Potts has some Dad bod going on, instead of putting up the tent, the F1 globe trotting, international man of mystery, needs to have a TB blood test to see if he is carrying the TB bacteria.

Nutty was looking her usual stunning self at the dining room table, sporting her thick black frame glasses.

I wasn’t sure if the larger Puff was going to be able to get out of his car. It was a tense few seconds.

Stuart’s eclectic hot meal was strange for an outdoor picnic.

It looks like Fanny had maybe a dozen Patrons, at most, show up for the shitshow celebrations and that the Dump crew members outnumbered Patrons. 12 out of 3,863 Patrons, 0.0007% of her total Patrons turned up at the Dump. What a great turnout!

How many floral dresses can Stephanie own, none of which are flattering?

 

[Lochness Monster]

Sorry to hear you are having a tough time. Have you got any provision for some respite for you? So tough for you ad him. Always makes me laugh when you see "Living well with dementia" because it is so tough, the anxiety and everything that goes with it. Feel free to off load here no one

Respite is almost non existent as he has capacity and can therefore choose what he wants and this is always remain at home and me do it!
I have found some time today to try and find somewhere that may be acceptable. We looked at three care homes and when we got back he said do I really have to go there and I cried for three hours .

I am trying to find something that might be acceptable for us both….it’s the physical and psychological burden.
Last night I read a diary of a wife living with her husband and dementia.She was a nurse for geriatrics and even she found it impossible.
I have also discovered that money does not buy what we need or would want. I wonder how other countries care for their elderly or demented as here they seem to be a financial target.

My husband, always very kind and generous when he was well bought me a sewing machine and I have decided to try and dress make again…
I have been inspired by the quilters and sewers here, so thank you

 

[Tea with lemon]

The dress!
She just removed the straps!

 

[Lochness Monster]

We're here to keep your pecker up @Lochness Monster

Thank you. This awful life of Fanny’s is a car crash….it keeps me distracted at times. And I can laugh at the wisdom and hilarity here. My dog jumps when I laugh loudly!
My husband is only 64 it already feels like such a long path. I’m so tired ! It’s not easy to get help. I have had paid live in help three times. And lots of other ‘ help’, I could write a book about that alone.
Memory is so essential for every part of the day .

Thankfully we have a crowd here who can draw on excellent memories for ‘ evidence’.
I am not a sad , or old jealous hag…but illness can really isolate one and that is how I found watching Fanny to start with, escapism .
Tomorrow will be an easier day as he is going out for the day and I can garden and have a friends over.
I must just say that I made a cake yesterday but came down to find he had taken it out of the oven and it was not cooked so I had to throw it away and make another one.Just one example of things he might do in a day that he never would before he became ill
I would laugh but felt like crying!,

 

[Gertrude Maud]

Is this the tent they went to for TB screening and to complete the scratch tests?

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Looks more like a Covid drive thru tent.

 

[thatsrich]

The tent thing reminds me of every disaster movie I've ever seen. The mandatory med tent where casualties of some ravaging disease lie injured on cot beds, bloodied and dying, hooked up to intravenous drips and being tended by worn out army medical staff, in a devastated area. Supplies are running low. Evacuation is discussed. Naturally there is a breakdown of civil authority. In the next scene, marauders break through the lines to ransack and plunder, causing extensive damage and heaping severe trauma onto already helpless victims. Zombies and/or aliens may be involved. Welcome to a weekend at lieLande.

Gotta compliment Fanny on finding tents from the 16th century to match her 16th century chateau. Adding TB for the plague effect was the piece de resistence! Full marks for historical authenticity!

 

[JackSpratt]

Thank you for listing the feast, it saved me scribbling it down while grimacing my way through the day’s jollities - or, more accurately, a rather muddled splicing of 2 days into one.

The Food

What, pray tell, had happened to the gazpacho which was so thick it seemed to have set. How were the guests meant attack it?

A completely bonkers selection for the buffet. Far too many things. Just because it was a buffet doesn’t mean everything but the kitchen sink. This is what happens when a recently qualified but inexperienced cook is given free rein, if not total autonomy, for catering. The presentation of the salads was so obviously done to be IG-worthy, a really tiresome part of today’s world. Style over substance and not thinking it through. Slow cooked lamb is delicious and, yes, it does fall apart. However, it was done no justice by being served as it was. It looked dry. No sign of the cooking liquid being strained and reduced to be served with the lamb. The myriad salads looked dry, as well - I have a particular dislike for pasta salad that has absorbed whatever its dressing is. No bowls of homemade mayonnaise (it’s the easiest thing to make and doesn’t require a Cordon Bleu School diploma).. No pretty jugs filled with vinaigrette to supplement however the salads were dressed. Not a lettuce leaf to be seen - I thought the Lalande potager was brimming with what my mother called interesting leaves.

And why, why, why roast potatoes? An extraordinary choice.

I don’t think Stuart had any direction about the menu from SJ, apart from a vague budget. The choice of lamb (which is not cheap, and mutton isn’t much less)) was odd. Slow cooked leg or shoulder (the latter for preference, as it has more fat) is delicious and, yes, it essentially cooks itself but it seemed cock-eyed to serve it (presumably) room temperature or slightly warm. She over-complicated the buffet menu. Frankly, I suspect the effort she put into it all was a waste of time, apart from the pretty photographs for her portfolio, and would have been wasted on the guests.

The croque en bouche was a cop out! Serving it in paper napkins was an easy way to disguise that each serving was more like a gesture than a helping - 2 small profiteroles would have looked pretty silly on a side plate, much less a dessert plate from the ghastly “K” dinner service.

The drink

Speechless. Prosecco? In France?

The marquee(s)

Thank goodness. Something positive. In a qualified way! So much better than last year’s h debacle in the wood store, complete with a cobbled floor, wobbly tables and surrounded by redundant doors, etc. Where it went wrong was the size of the 2 mismatched tents. The only option was setting up the (dreaded) trestle tables like a mess tent or canteen. It’s so unfriendly. The awful school chairs added to the rather institutional look. If Stephanie knew how to entertain, and she really has no idea, she’d have hired a proper marquee, 6’ round tables and decent chairs, with trestles for the food (another positive was abandoning the ridiculous, pretentious serving plated up food). A service tent, if only to clear the decks between courses, is useful but probably asking too much!. Eight people at a round table is much more conducive to conversation involving the whole table, particularly if they don’t know one another. (I’m by no means a professional party planner but i organised quite a big annual charity lunch in a marquee for about 25 years and I know every permutation of tables and seating!)

Cups and saucers on the table from the word go was completely unnecessary. Was there even any sign of coffee or one of Pavlova’s homemade fruit infusions post lunch?

The crux of the matter is Stephanie is clueless and completely unaware of even the basics of offering hospitality, much less entertaining her precious supporters.

this is much too long but is actually a heavily edited version of my original thoughts!

Something like this would have looked better. This is at one of Mr Spratts customer's, Chateau de la Preuille. She's had a whole year to get it sorted.

 

[Marquis de Potpourri]

I guess we always knew that all SJ cares about her patrons is their money, but by putting them under that awful tent, she's just pissing on her patrons at this point!! That is simply not how you treat your financial supporters. I've attended patrons' galas/events for non-profits in NYC that get less money than SJ monthly, that put better effort to host their supporters than SJ does!

SJ Patron Days tent looked more like a gravesite ceremony!

Even the South Florida Jewish Cemetery has better tents!

Here you go, Steffy! https://www.chapiteaux-tixier.com/evenementiel/exposition/structure-15m

BTW, thanks, @tuffiti for sharing.

 

[MRShavershamsdress]

Ooowee! Look at the state of those steps! That’s a health and safety clusterfuck right there!

 

[graciemckitten]

Just watched todays CD video, Gerry is a super creep.Dan should had added meanacing music when Gerry was trying to rub up against Stuart. Gross. The still photo posted by Shatco Shiek looks like it was taken from a Dateline “To Catch a Predator” tv program, with Stuart looking stressed and pensive. I half expected predator host Chris Hanson to step into view from behind the larger Puff, and tell Gerry to step over to the side so they could have a chat.

Dan didn’t look thrilled to be shooting and editing the Patron day video for Stephanie. I think she gets off by manipulating or forcing him to come video the Dump activities and edit them for her, as she basked in the adoration of her sycophantic fan base while being waited upon and served by all of her “ employees” and “transactional friends and relatives.” She thinks she was “putting him in his place” or reminding him of her superiority with all of her volunteer and paid for staff, etc. while simultaneously using him to increase her views and poach off his new found popularity. She is incredibly jealous that Dan now routinely has more subscribers and views than her YouTube channels.

Khillip’s head looked like it morphed from a square to a rectangle shape in the video, maybe that was his party trick for the extravaganza.

Again, Steve, Stephanie is never going to sleep with you, even if you make her bootleg alcohol. However, you may have a chance with the sex pest LieLande chatelaine in waiting killip, if you liquor him up with your home made spirits.

I am reminded of the comment Stephanfraudie made with Potts a few months back about how living at the Dump was now everything they had dreamed about or something to that effect ( now they have money rolling in, lots of staff, etc.). They both seem very pleased with their current lot in their part time life at the party pad Dump.

Interesting that Baghead, wife, and stepson have not graced the doors of the Dump for a holiday in a year? When was the last time family Baghead were all present at the Dump?

 

[Jules100]

Ok, I’m not doing it on purpose, but after all, it is Patreon Days and us doubters have been granted a temporary reprieve, so I have yet again paused my CD detox…

Today’s CD:
Steve looks like he just rolled out of a hamper and by the look of his assigned piss jar, he’s very dehydrated.

Patreon:
You know how Stephanie loves her video continuity, right? Dan or whoever, must have given that edit 2 minutes, you get what you pay for.

Whilst no one is perfect and Amaury is probably #1 on the “Lalande Dude Top Ten List” (Brenda Gibbons secret messaged me that it’s a thing), he needs to keep his shirt on. Or at least, if he takes it off, his nasty cousin needs to quit commenting on his “hot, muscular body”. He looks like he’s constantly sucking in his stomach and feels uncomfortable by the unwanted attention.

I think lots of people at the chateau caught a sneak peek of Steph’s nips in that ill fitting strapless dress. Probably awkward, depending on who you are or ask. Gerry said he’s cool with it.

 

[Karma baby!]

Her ill fitting dress has been bothering me so much, I decided to give her fashion advice and another brand to buy!

Steph… let’s face it, your waist is wider than your ass, and you need to tuck one in and emphasize the other, whilst putting your tatas into something that actually fits them. I give you the designer, Teuta Matoshi.

They have 100s of designs, they will custom make them to your measurements, and they are expensive enough to satisfy your vanity. (She also made the famous strawberry dress… edit: actually, her sister, Lirika Matoshi designed the strawberry dress! Sorry!)

I recommend something like these two, but maybe in a different colour that doesn’t wash out your dull blond hair and pasty/burnt skin!

Lavender Romance Dress

Details: -Lavender tulle with printed flowers -Plunging V-neck -Draping -Cinched waist -Tea-length -A-line silhouette -Side pockets -Medium puff sleeves -Green velvet ribbon belt at waist

www.teutamatoshi.com

Cherry Blossom Parfait Midi Dress

Details: - Baby pink chiffon with printed gilded flowers -Corset with fitting boning -Draped Wrap top -A-line silhouette -Tea-length - Gathered skirt with side pockets -Decorative cummerbund that ties as a bow

www.teutamatoshi.com

.
.
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PS. I wore this to a wedding last year and it’s the girliest thing I’ve ever owned

Ivy Greenhouse Dress

Details: -Delicate white lace fabric embroidered with blooming flowers, leaves, and butterflies -Corset with built-in pads and boning -Midi-length skirt with inseam pockets

www.teutamatoshi.com