The advice thread for random problems #7

[littlepup]

This is a difficult problem for me to try and articulate so please forgive me for any fumbles in wording!

Myself and my friends are all at the life stage of preparing to have kids, pregnancy, or already having small children. Personally, I have not yet had children but I am not putting pressure on myself.

One of my friends desperately wants to be pregnant. She is putting a lot of pressure on herself and is actively getting upset each month when her period arrives. She has every tracker and guidebook under the sun. Her and her partner have been trying for 6 months. Every time she sees a pregnancy announcement on Instagram, she is upset. Every time anyone mentions anything baby related, she is upset. I have avoided talking about my other friend who is currently pregnant so as not to upset her further. I don't dodge the topic if directly asked, but I also don't bring it up. Some of her other friends however, seem to be taking advantage and using her as a babysitting service. Almost every weekend she is out with her partner and someone else's baby having a day out. She is elated on those days and extremely depressed in the 2-3 days that follow.

I can't help but now start to feel extremely anxious talking to her. I love her to pieces but I don't know what to say anymore that doesn't somehow go back to children and her feeling like she's failed by not getting pregnant so fast. I also don't want to belittle her stress either as I can't even imagine how she feels but I do think the obsession and pressure is not going to be helping her actually conceive?

I just don't know what to do really to either help her or feel less anxious about fucking up in conversation by accidentally offending her.

If anyone does have a miracle answer, please do let me know but even actually expressing that helps a little thanks

This is bizarre behaviour and she needs therapy given the short amount of time she’s tried vs the obsessive behaviour but in general when someone is TTC, bottom like is there’s nothing you can say or do. I don’t suggest the “it’ll happen one day so enjoy life now” route. It’s kinda like saying when someone is mourning “everyone will die someday so it’s no big deal, just enjoy yourself”, she just can’t enjoy life right now. It’s not something you can switch off or see the positives of when you’re in as deep as she is. TTC, It’s like being hungry - you never feel satisfied and all you can think of is food and that craving for it. The longer it goes on, the hungrier you get. Saying “you’ll eat eventually, not sure when, hopefully” isn’t helpful

Specific to her -
There’s a TTC thread on here, I was part of it.
With the exception of the babysitting it’s not uncommon after trying for a long time. I wonder if she’s a suggestible person?

Don’t tell her she’s being taken advantage of as a baby sitter, which is also likely fuelling her fire too because it’s hardly taking her mind off the issue. From what you’ve said she probably won’t see it. You could perhaps gently suggest that while she enjoys it she’s also torturing herself and it can’t be good for her mental health but don’t outright tell her to stop and do something else. (It’s a bit odd that her OH is enabling her with this).

Maybe ask her what she wants from you, explain that you know this is an enormous issue and you want to support her but you don’t know how. You’re not about to enable her if she’s being extreme but let her say what she wants outright. If it’s not something you can do, tell her that once you have all the information. But again, don’t try to make her see sense, she’s past that if she’s behaving like this after only trying for 6 months and has read anything at all on the subject.

 

[T-time]

Aw thank you for your quick reply. I have no idea? My husband and daughter joke that I am autistic because I remember things in great detail and I am quite averse to change and a bit controlling about the way things are done but what about all those other feelings I mention, is that a neurodiverse thing? And if it is something like autism, what can I actually do about it?

You can read up on "autistic burnout". It's a burnout that you get from doing to much. Things like living in an environment that's not made for how your brain works or having no energy left after pretending to fit in (masking) all day

But if that's not it, my first go to is always a multivitamine. There are so many people perking up from taking those at the end of winter

 

[Chocolategoggler]

I’ve started having sharp pains in my neck back and right arm which I’m constantly using clicking with the mouse at work. I don’t know what I’m doing wrong maybe I’m sitting wrong, I don’t see anyone else at work with back and neck and arm pain from working/sitting and typing even if they’re slouched in their chair. I actually try to sit up straight but I do have so much tension. I find myself having to stretch my neck and back every 10 minutes or so and adjust myself and I really don’t know what to do or ask my doctor if it’s my job to sit at a desk all day. My chest hurts too

Your screen might not be high enough. You can also get aids from your employer to make you more comfortable e.g. chair, foot rest, arm and wrist supports etc.
They should be doing checks to make sure there isn't a problem.
I remember being told my thighs should look like they're sloping down a bit.
Basically sounds like you need an assessment which your line manager can organise.

 

[Kim Mild]

I think you should stay at the inheritance house for a few days to get a better feel of the area .

 

[Magwitch]

Super Muslim 5 Piece Tableware Set

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www.salamoccasions.com

I am buying a gift for a friend in works baby grandson. Would this be offensive or funny gift? It’s a Muslim family. I just thought it was really cute and funny for the baby.
Thank you for any opinions.

I’ll be honest, I think it’s a bit weird, and some people are very sensitive about religious matters. I wouldn’t buy this.

 

[Snippysnips]

I'm all for petty reporting but I'd need to know why I'd be reporting him first!

I have a lamb bone left over from Sunday. I can't bear putting it on the food bin when it could feed some hungry foxes. But I don't want the foxes to crap all round my house like they did when they got into my food bin last time and I know you're not supposed to encourage them. Plus I think I have rats living under my decking (one came up the neighbour's loo while he was sitting on it) and I really don't want to encourage them either. What should I do?

If it's been cooked then don't give it to foxes, the bone is more brittle an can break easily which could be a choking hazard an you wouldn't be able to help if they do start getting bits lodged in their throats

 

[Stressed]

Is there an way i can email my 6 years school without sounding like a grade A *head?
I changed my daughter's surname in the midst of applying for primary schools, so on the original forms she still had dad's surname. Once she got into the primary school she had my surname (by legal deed poll), so on all her school forms/books she has new surname. She only knows herself as new surname. The school uses an app for everyday updates but this was registered under her old surname. Daughter likes to see "her points" on the app which causes questions on " why I am x previous surname?" Which is too complicated to explain due to her age. How can I politely ask that the new surname is changed on the app? Dad died by suicide, daughter is aware of dad's first name but not surname as he wasn't the best person so id like her to learn the best of him (i do this for her, not him) as, if she was to google his full name then not great stories would come up (she wouldnt do this at this age but the longer I can keep her "innocent" i feel would be better for her) So how do I ask this is changed if possible? Without sounding like an AI bot?

You'll need to take the change of name document in to show them and they will change it.

 

[Chocolategoggler]

How do people handle stress? I feel stressed with work, I feel stressed with my family (family drama ), I feel stressed with the state of the world! I am stressed!! I’ve never been stoned but I’m tempted to get stoned to chill out!

And I go see a therapist now and again but I don’t think talking will help!

I bake and cook and go into a trance of serenity.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Google “ers reassurance seeking”. It will tell you why it’s ultimately making the situation worse and methods to try to stop/change that behaviour pattern.

https://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/~/...n-Sheet---19---Reassurance-Seeking-Carers.pdf it may also be helpful to show him this.

Omg, I just googled it and I definitely do this and it’s scarily accurate

 

[Darvos]

Thank you there's one about half an hour from where I live I'm due a ikea trip in the new year and my local lake lands is near there

Also try ProCook, online or a shop, and TK Maxx can do really good cookware, but of course what they have in is down to chance.

 

[littlepup]

I’m really unsure about what Christmas card to send to my father from my 10 month old daughter. I’ve sent him dad cards from me and hubby for Father’s Day and his birthday and grandad ones from my daughter. His response to the last grandad card was “not sure about being a grandad”… It’s a long story but he’s only met her once and doesn’t have a relationship with her. His wife - who I used to call mum but I have reverted back to calling her my stepmum - is really bitter that I’ve had a baby and she hasn’t (there’s 25 years difference between them) and both my parents had a horrible reaction to my pregnancy announcement. My dad has lost his spine when it comes to his wife it seems.

Anyway, back to the cards… do I just send him one saying grandad from my daughter and a parents one to them both from hubby and I? Will my stepmum kick off if she’s not included in the grandad card? I overheard her telling my wedding nanny that she “isn’t anything” to my daughter because she’s too old to be a grandma… despite being married to my father for almost 20 years.

Am I overthinking this? My parents are a huge source of trauma for me (I’ve done a lot of EMDR therapy) so I’m trying to protect myself from another Christmas argument (after they made me miss last year’s Christmas dinner with hubby and in-laws). Do I just wait to see what kind of card they send to us first and just reciprocate that?

Just send them one with a nice picture. Get your daughter to scribble inside and leave it at that.
We have good relationships with our parents but don’t mess about with individual cards, that’s if we bother with cards at all!

 

[Snippysnips]

She was under there care, so yes they rang me but surely it's their duty to make so she was okay

Did they know she had swallowed a coin at the time or did they only think she was just sick? Sometimes kids will say they feel sick an nothing else, until they get to a point where they might freak out an finally confess why, which by then you might have already been arriving

An the only time I've known that a school will call an ambulance is in emergency's where they know it's a must an cannot wait for a parent to get there (we had a kid collapse at school an they called the ambulance an told the parents which hospital since they knew the kid would arrive there before they did) so long as the child is still conscious an able to communicate an there's no immediate signs of danger an such then they will just wait for parents to show up

 

[HoGi]

Thanks I was thinking of doing it myself but read that advisors get better rates we cannot see ourselves but I doubt they'd be that much better. I'm with Halifax so think I can do it 4 months in advance to see their rates but might have a look a bit earlier for others since I've read that rates are likely to go up end of year/January and that's when 4months will roughly be

My broker doesn't charge a fee if I refix with the same bank as currently with, but she was able to get a couple of 0.1%'s better rate than just refixing directly with the bank

 

[boatofbubbles]

Im on my last thread here, my brother has a lot of specialised educational needs, he cannot read or write, he is partially deaf which affects his understanding but leads a full a adult life, he works and runs a household etc. But through no fault of his own hes being evicted. Ive tried CAB but because where he lives is a a new build they don't recognise they address, I cant put my address. Im at a loss.

 

[Chocolategoggler]

Premier Inn pillows are the only ones I have ever purchased that haven't flattened after 6 months. They have just started going after 2 and a half years so ill be replacing them but they're very comfortable for me and im a side sleeper x

I went in one with my mum years ago. She always brings her own pillow, but that time I think she'd forgotten it.
She loved their pillows so much she looked at the label and we ended up in Debenhams, as they had them. I think the filling was coiled or twisted if I remember rightly, but it was years ago.

 

[Pesky Tarian]

This is not really a problem but I need help

I’ve been given an early Christmas present, £200 voucher for John Lewis. I don’t shop there particularly often and when I do it’s usually gifts for other people! I need inspiration on what to buy….had a tough year for lots of reasons and money has been tight so I sort of want to treat myself but don’t know to what! So my current thoughts are:

1. Splurge (on…?)
2. Use it to buy Christmas presents and keep the money I’ve saved for Christmas instead
3. Spend it in Waitrose on a fancier food shop?

I’ve just bought nice bedding from elsewhere as that would have been my first thought otherwise….

How about a nice beauty advent calendar and have a little treat every day?.

On a more practical note their curtains are excellent, maybe a pair to match your new bedding?.

 

[Chocolategoggler]

Thanks all for your thoughts. The dangerous bone thing put me off even before I'd read the rest of the replies, so it went in the food bin!

I've been told to stop feeding birds to get rid of rats! I can't not feed them in the winter, but the RSPB are asking people not to currently as there is a virus going around so that is a good excuse to stop for a while.

I know someone who has bird feeders, pond etc and she talks of rats strolling past her conservatory doors. As she has her doors open for most of the day I tend to get nervous in case one has come inside.
I've not long had to deal with my own rat infestation, not helped by the next door neighbour. Sent me nearly deranged through lack of sleep.
Brought back bad memories of living in a flat in a 400 year old building with a rat and being trapped in a room as it whizzed round the perimeter of the room, so I couldn't get out. Someone also told me they're incontinent and I had a clothes rail at the time.

 

[Pesky Tarian]

I have inherited a home under an hour away from where I currently live. I would be mortgage free however it would mean moving my childs school. She is in year 6 and would be starting high school...am I going to ruin her life!?

In my experience children make a whole new set of friends at high school anyway so don't worry . I think the important question is which area has the better secondary schools?.

 

[Django]

I have a rather silly question. Before we looked at the use by date on a packet of brown rice, my partner boiled it, and we were going to eat it. Then I happened to notice the use by date - 2014! I asked my partner to disgard the rice, and we used somerhing else.

Would the rice have been ok to eat?

No problem, rice weevils aren't toxic or dangerous. I'd be more concerned about why you have 12 year old packets of rice in your cupboard.

 

[Serene Serena]

I have thought about this however the houses where we currently live are alot more than the value of the inherited house. We currently live in a rented flat and live month to month as it is. It would mean having a bit of a mortgage when we have the opportunity to live rent free.

My daughter has sailed through school, good grades, nice friends, she is a sociable wee thing. I know when you move into secondary you make new friends but she would be starting from scratch.

Its tough, move be mortgage free and alot more comfortable. Stay, try and find a home where we could hopefully have a small mortgage but still probably live month to month but then kids would be more settled. Its so difficult.

Move. Your daughter will make new friends.