The advice thread for random problems #6

[Snippysnips]

Yeah I've used them before no issues

Yes, had before on random things - some kitchen stools one time I remember - usually higher cost items, than small things.

Thanks, it's a first for me an with how much I was getting off them it seemed a bit strange but I'll take it

 

[BearOnChair]

Tbh I think it was just the 'significant' people forgetting if that makes sense, bridal party, siblings for example. I have a large family and we're all exceptionally close, to the point that certain people do remember these things.

I get how you feel about it. It's slightly different but no one remembers when my mum died, not even my husband.
I've come to realise that not many people think outside of their own box. Which has been quite a shift for how I think of other people.

 

[RandomFrog]

I've recently taken a new viewpoint on relationships mainly in speaking up when someone says or does something that bothers me in any way. (Previously I was very much a person who would just ignore but then be sat getting upset/annoyed which hasn't been good for me)

Problem is I've done this now with 4 different people in my life, they've all taken the hump with me. I think I've said my point clearly and respectfully which I don't feel has then been listened to or understood but then I am also now sat wondering if I'm just causing upset by being open and honest.

I've spoken to my husband about it and he says my new way of thinking is healthier for me and I have been respectful and basically not a dick in any conversations however, he's my husband he's gonna say that

Has anyone been in a similar situation? Any advice really. I feel like I'm at a loss either way but also fed up of people thinking they can walk all over me/do and say whatever they like with no response

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

My ex-wife is in a new relationship, but it's a secret relationship as the other person is from overseas and for religious reasons can't be in a relationship. I worry for my ex as it feels like it will all end in tears. We coparent so I'm still part of their life, and I can see the relationship is beginning to affect her. I feel that as an ex its not my responsibility to worry about her personal life, but I'm keen for her to be happy and this situation feels off. I don't think she'll pay attention to anything I might say about it. So what do I do?

It sounds like your relationship is amicable so just mention that you are a bit concerned and leave it at that. I agree you shouldn’t get too involved as you might end up getting burned as the messenger.
Does your ex have any other family or friends she might listen to? You could potentially enlist their help

 

[Darvos]

I HATE fancy dress but my housemate loves it and we’re going out for Halloween. I like doing the makeup and the blood, but it’s just the clothing. Has anyone got any suggestion to what I can go as?

A What If ghost: as in what if we see ghosts all the time but don’t realise because they look like everyone else walking along the street. Normal clothes, jacket, bag (if you have an old Woolies, Wilkos or Debenhams plastic carrier at the bottom of your bag of bags and some out of date groceries, like the tinned peaches that are definitely at the back of my cupboard.that’s perfect, but really, you could’ve died yesterday). I’m v low effort though.

ETA missed the bit where you said you like the blood and makeup so that’s a rubbish idea. Sorry.

 

[Snippysnips]

I just don’t think the guy will bring anything positive to Mr C’s life but he’s feeling so down at the moment that I think he just wants someone to talk to (apart from me and the dogs and his mother obviously).

Is there no clubs or anything close by he could go too? Just to meet others, I knows there's Andy's man club but am not sure of all of their locations, I know a few that go to it, it's a mental health club but the guys I know have gotten a few really good friendships from going an now go out on guys nights

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi tattlers

I hope there's somebody amongst us who can help me

I am wanting copies of interviews I had with the police around 2 years ago. Whether transcripts or audio, I'm not too fussed. It did result in court and I was convicted.

I've looked into doing an SAR request but that doesn't seem to include transcripts of interviews

I've been in touch with my solicitor whose assistant said she doubts they still have those kind of records but she'll look into it (I'm not hopeful)

I've put in a request for information with the area police force that dealt with the case. Again I'm not hopeful

Is there anything else I can be doing as from what I've read online I am fully entitled to this information and don't understand why it's so difficult to come by

Thanks tattlers

As far as I am aware you need to make the SAR request and that’s it.

I would’ve thought they need to keep the information but I don’t know the legalities of how long stuff like that should be kept

 

[Magwitch]

Thank you for this
. It keeps saying too short

Sorry this has happened to you. Contact Citizens Advice. They give free legal advice and assistance on all sorts of issues and are a far more reliable source than Reddit!

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Mr Lolz and I are going through a stressful time at home, not of our own making. Anyway this is just to give a bit of context.
Tonight he blew his lid with me and tbh I’m shocked he hasn’t done it earlier.
He pointed out that for the last couple of weeks I’ve done nothing but pick fault with everything he does. And I mean even small things like brush his teet to loudly

I know I’m not the easiest person in the world but once he pointed it out tonight I felt sick at how I’ve been treating him. Some of this is in my nature to do but I’ve never been this bad.

I like to think I do some introspection and work on myself in general. But I’m not sure how to try and change this behaviour.
Any helpful tips?

 

[Thank(space)you]

You can get a nasal spray which helps loads if you've got sinus pain/congestion

 

[tomato_paste]

Hi everyone, thanks for the feedback! Just a little clarification, I've talked extensively with both my mom and my aunt for the past few months about this....or I should say, they talk to me about it. I have been saying for a decade now that she needed to set him straight, tell him to grow the F up, and kick him out but she just says "he'll just sink". I think he needs to sink to be humbled.

She has honestly thought recently of just signing the house out of her name (she keeps herself one foot out the door anyway and has never had an attachment to the house and stayed intentionally behind on property taxes if she ever needed to run) and just abandoning the house and him as he has made it very clear of his refusal to leave.

I think you're all right, I live 3 hours (drive) away so it's not like I can just swing over if things hit the fan but I am also not afraid to be an enemy of him as I have been there before in the past. I have never had a very good relationship with him and at this point, I don't even like him as a person anymore. I wouldn't even extend putting a shed turned tiny house in my backyard anymore for him to live in (just a running *serious* joke - my mom has always said I'll have to take him when she's gone because he won't make it). I think it's best I just stay the fack out of it.

I appreciate tattle and everyone on it so much, thank you for listening to my Ted Talk.

Hey, sorry to hear how complicated this is. Unfortunately there's really nothing you can do, and you need your mum and aunt to make their own choices. Also, consider the perspective that by constantly listening and taking a share of the emotional burden you might also be co- enabling him by allowing them to dump their emotions on you. It really sucks, but put yourself first.

And you're correct - he needs to hit rock bottom before he will even consider changing, but in reality, users like him will always find someone they can get what they need from. If or when you mum will dump the house, he'll move in with some unfortunate woman, I can guarantee that.

 

[Codiaeum]

Am I crazy to consider buying a little cottage in the woods and moving there?

It's basically got no modern amenities (well water, solar panel only electricity, wood stove for cooking and heating) but I just... yearn for the quiet and silent and I think either I tear apart how I currently live or it will tear me apart.

It doesn't sound crazy, but you need to be sure that you can handle solitude like that. I think it sounds dreamy, but I also know that I personally tend to fall into a weird state when I'm not getting any human interaction, so it's something I'd think about before doing it.
And also think about the practicalities of what you need for daily life like getting groceries - are you able to do that easily, wouldyou be able to do it when the weather isn't great or if you are ill, etc.
I don't think at all it's not doable and in fact it sounds like a very nice thing to do, but I'd try to think about it from all angles before committing to it.

 

[Snippysnips]

Hi ladies!

This is not a “problem” but was just wondering if anyone had any helpful advice! I had a party to celebrate my baby being born recently and I’m so grateful we received so so many gifts, he’ll never need anything again but there are a lot of duplicates, items in smaller sizes, items that I just wouldn’t put him in (not safe), or things we don’t use. Only one of my cousins gave us gift receipts so I can exchange/get a gift card, but no one else did.

Do shops like H&M, mamas and papas, next etc take items back if they’re new with rags without a gift receipt? Alternatively I can sell items on vinted but they go for very cheap and I’d rather get as much money back as I can so I can buy him items in his size or things he’ll need in the future! Thank you xx

It will be an exchange they offer, they may if they want too offer a credit note but like above said, most you can get is a exchange so long as the tags are all on them

Shops like that will understand people get duplicates or items they don't need/want when a new baby comes along

An congrats

 

[miss n thropy]

Does anyone have any advice about how to not feel guilty about decisions you make?

I feel like I constantly overthink everything and worry that people are going to be mad/sad about decisions I make which then means I constantly go through pros and cons of decisions. And when I make a decision, it eats away at me, feeling like I've disappointed someone.
It's so random

I think you need to give yourself a break, and think how good it is that you are a reflective person.

People who go through life never considering the effects on others of their decisions, good or bad, make terrible errors of judgment going forward.

I think it’s good that you reflect so much

 

[Sunflower91]

I can imagine it's a really hard time. I'm just going to speak honestly so please excuse me if I come across as rude or blunt, I really say it with the best intentions. If this situation has repeated on you a few times, it sounds a bit like you might have an anxious attachment style. It's a lot to go into here, but I would suggest having a read about it online and see if you recognise any of the symptoms/actions in yourself.

I also wonder if perhaps you are putting all your eggs in one basket at times with your friends - talking to one single person for hours each day is extremely rare. It could simply be that these friends felt it was too much and too intense. Think of it like growing vegetables in a garden. Would you plant one singular carrot in the hopes it will grow into a big one? Or would you plant a row of them, and look after them all, knowing that some are going to fail or drop off? I know with friendships that can be easier said than done, but nurturing a selection of friendships rather than intensely pursuing one at a time I think would be a really good thing here. Perhaps pick up a new game or join a new server, try a new hobby or some in-person classes, or ask someone at work out for drinks. You'd be surprised at how many people are actively looking for new connections

You weren’t rude or blunt at all. To be honest my relationships with people feel quite chaotic. I’m fairly sure I have autism which doesn’t help but also have CPTSD to contend with. With this person the friendship is a bit more intense than others im used to. Generally I’ve been quite happy with my own company and a small circle of friends and then keep others more at arms length. 9 times out of 10 I’m fine with just letting things end or cutting people out.
It’s been a while since I’ve let someone be this close, so it feels weird and like I’m holding a hand grenade and I’m waiting for it to go off. So in this friendship definitely anxious attachment. But then in others I’m more secure or I guess quite avoidant, it’s really hard to explain but I find myself playing off “vibes” and switching my approach based on that.

 

[griftalo]

I actually looked up yhe care commission but you could only complain about care you receive. Not the state of the Healthcentre. Honestly I’ve not been in ages but it was digusting. If it was a restaurant I would’ve walked straight out

Health and safety would be my first thought

 

[Mamacita]

Both in our late 30s, I don’t want a wedding right now, but a commitment would be nice. I’d already wasted 10 years of my life with an ex who said he’d marry me then fucked off with a 20 year old. Just getting a bit fed up of it all now, seeing folk who’ve got in relationships after us who are now married or getting married

Does he even want to get married? I guess that's the first consideration whether you want the same thing.

 

[annanuttall]

Quick question, can a married woman have a male platonic friend? A guy friend who has met your husband and you know you will never sleep with.

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Hey I'm mid 30s and I think my dad is abusing me. I could be completely wrong but either way he's making me feel like poo on shoes.

*he is always shouting and swearing at me

*regularly threatening to kick me out of the home

*telling me get a job (unfortunately I recently lost mine as jobs were cut)

*opens my bank statements and loudly asking what I'm spending my money on/telling me off for spending my money

*screaming at me in public

I can't afford to leave but I can't say anything because it makes him worse idk what to do.

Have you ever moved out of your family home? Can you contact local council/ women's aid? Get yourself out of there. Protect your mental health. Get on local council and housing associations lists asap if you're not already?

Keep applying for new jobs and going to your job centre appts! Ask them for support and explain your home situation, they can sign post for support agencies.

Good luck!! You don't deserve to be treated like this, must be absolutely knocking your confidence which doesn't help on a job hunting journey.

 

[JoeBloggs]

How do you take criticism from people without getting defensive or brushing it off. Or how much do you balance their criticism vs your own perception of yourself?

I had an argument out of the blue with someone I used to date but am still ~friends~ with on Friday. We started the chat normally and pleasantly in the morning and then abruptly he said something along the lines of "the weather is too nice to be spending it on this conversation" which i thought was a little off.

I asked what he meant by that and he said that he was unsure if I added any value to his life anymore. And whether he did to mine beyond being someone I "can annoy".

He then went on to say he knows he's an irritable see you next Tuesday, but I lack self awareness and that's impacted things. I think because I annoy him and don't realise, or don't reflect on how my words annoy him.

Anyway, I'm not too sad about the conversation itself, just the part where he said it lack self awareness, and bringing up me being annoying. I don't think i talk to him any differently to any of my other friends and they've never said I lack self awareness or am annoying. Is me not accepting that i lack self awareness fulfilling his statement that I lack self awareness? Am I unaware of my self unawareness?

How much do you take on board what they say and balance it with thinking "no, I don't think I'm like how you're saying i am"?

In the past I've been defensive when people have brought up things and I'm trying to get better and grow as a person. But I also don't want people to tell me what or who I am, or let the opinion of one person define me.

How would you take this feedback on board? It feels quite broad and it's not really something anyone has ever said i was before.

I want to word this sensitively but could he be projecting because he wants to end the friendship type relationship you two have? Is he seeing someone?

I really wouldn’t take it to heart, any ‘friend’ who thinks the conversation isn’t worth their time isn’t worth yours.