The advice thread for random problems #6

[Codiaeum]

I really want to buy a shark flex 5in 1 beauty thing cheapest ivf found is £175! I hardly do anything with my hair cause of how thick it is & how I’m terrible with hair lll should I do it?

I've tested it out, I've a lot of hair and it's straight and wasn't impressed with it, tbh, the curls fell out very fast and the blow-dry round brush attachment didn't do anything for me.

 

[Snippysnips]

There is a men’s shed nearby and I did encourage him to go but he was worried it would be full of weirdos He’s fairly introverted and tends to overthink things. I might suggest that again actually as he's very practical and they do quite a few projects along those lines apparently.

Even if you say to him to at least try it just once, if he doesn't like it then at least he's seen for himself, but fingers crossed he maybe meets some guys that are better for him

 

[littlepup]

Neighbours parcels keep being left on our doorstep, no knock, no card, just left.
They order everyday on amazon so it's pretty annoying.
I used to take them straight round myself but I'm a bit fed up of it because it's everyday and they've never tried to prevent it.
What would you do?
Just wang them over the hedge into a puddle??

Note on the door saying parcels for you address ONLY.
Bizarre to leave them on you doorstep and not theirs anyway. I’d understand more if you were taking them in.

 

[Codiaeum]

This is a really privileged problem to have, I know, but I'm still stuck emotionally, so I thought I'd post here.

I bought a house (with a mortgage) in quite an expensive, poular area of my country some years ago. My fam is from here. It had stood empty for a year and needed lots of cosmetic work, which is why nobody wanted it, so I got a good price on it. The house has gone up in value by about 80%. Minus what I spent on renovations, I would still make a tidy sum if I sold it.

I could move to the opposite end of the country as I've been thinking about for years now. I found the perfect property, too, and it's exactly in the town I would want to live in. It is massively cheaper, would allow me to be mortgage free, have very few outgoings, and I would have a tidy sum left over to do with whatever I want.
The area is beautiful, close to two big cities but still rural enough to feed my soul.

On paper, it seems like the perfect idea to allow myself to work towards my goals (switch fields, become mortgage free, have more time for myself, have a huge garden for growing my own food, have time for long walks with the dog every day instead of squeezing them in wherever there is a little time, and many more.)

So why the fuck am I still hesitating? I'm lonely here, people are very closed off and difficult to get to know; I have one childhood friend here, and one friend who herself is probably going to move away at some point. I have a very fraught relationship with my parents, and the family I would miss are my siblings. It's about a 5 hour drive from here to there, so not too bad, and other friends that are not local would be the same distance away. There are no downsides. None. So why can't I do it? Why can’t I just say "Fuckem", list my house and go live my best life?

It sounds like a perfect opportunity, I'd say go for it! Realistically, you wouldn't get your mother's approval either way, if you stay in your current location and house, you have it "easy" because it's all figured out already, even if you aren't really happy in the current place. If you do move, you have it "easy" because you won't need to worry about a mortgage and have some money from selling your house, etc. So realistically, it doesn't matter what you do and you can just as well do the thing you wanted to for a long time, especially as it seems to be very beneficial for you, both financially and also you'd be living in a nice place.

 

[Lalla]

Leave it unless you think it’s really going to present the house in a way better light.
We bought a house with new flooring through much of it. It’s grey though, I really don’t like grey so it being new was lost on me. Other areas have clean but dated coloured carpets and one room has cheap pine looking wood laminate. We still bought the house and didn’t try to knock the price down because ultimately it’s personal choice to change it despite it being annoying to pay for something new I don’t like (kitchen and bathrooms too ). I wouldn’t have increased the offer if the flooring had been to my taste either.
If it was worn and dirty it’d be a different story.

I agree with this, I would only notice worn/dirty flooring, or vividly patterned carpet - anything I couldn't live with and would need to immediately replace. Other than that it's personal choice I think. I know some people have the same flooring in every room but I'm not a fan of that tbh as I like a mix of flooring types and colours but that's just me

 

[TheGlossy]

The clocks went backwards yesterday and I can say my anxiety kicked in immediately. When I realised it’s pitch black at 5.30pm, I literally almost cried.

It’s never really affected me much but this year, it has. I’ve been in an anxious mood since the clocks went backwards. Aside from buying those sunlight lamps and waking up early, is there anything I can do to deal with this?

 

[BabeTakeTwo]

Maybe strange but I have really given this kind of thing a lot of thought as I often seem to get saddled with people grumbling at me and I used it to really change my outlook. It's actually made me a much more positive person as I'd absolutely hate to be a moaner.

I feel the same - moaning/complaining is ... I thought after re my Mum - she has a very down outlook - it's draining to be around, and always the same thing, over and over. As it's my Mum I listen, and where I can try to give her things to think about that could bring her changes - hers is about weight also, and becoming old, what she can no longer do due to medical/illness issues.

If it was an old friend I think I'd have to be firmer - where I'd get that from I don't know, but life is so short, I appreciate we can all be upbeat all of the time, but being around negative drives me nuts.

 

[littlepup]

I’m not entirely sure, but the landlord is asking them to leave the property in 4 days with no notice. I’ve told them to go to citizens advice as soon as it reopens for advice

Shelter charity may be able to help. I think they have a helpline.

 

[Snippysnips]

Thanks I'll definitely check that out, one I have is about as old as I am because my dad just refuses to admit the thing is done in an get rid of it, but it's really starting to drive me nuts now, you put it on for an hour cycle an it takes like 2 hours because it someone keeps adding time to itself, so I badly need a new one

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Just to add that I’m in a similar position but in my case my brother and his wife live with my mum and my mum and SIL don’t get on.
It’s caused me no end of stress and I can’t get involved as I live in the UK and they live in Africa. The issue is I know if I went in there and caused “shit” ultimately I leave and they are left behind and I’m scared things will get worse.
I have however talked to my mum and my brother about the situation but ultimately they are all adults making their own choices.
My mum would rather put up with it all than live by herself
For my own piece of mind I’ve had to take a step back as it was affecting my health

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

How do you complain anout a dirty Dr Surgery? And can I do it anonymously?
I’ve tried to look online but couldn’t really find the info I’m looking for. Plus I’d rsther not the surgery know it’s me complaining in case they start being discrimatory

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’m not sure if this is the right thread but I could do with some advice…

My boyfriend of 6 and a half years (27M) has chosen to spend Christmas and New Year’s with his family in America (we are from the UK). He will be away for 2 weeks. For context, his brother passed away earlier on this year, so I understand the family dont want to be home this year.
My issue is that despite already being away for 2 weeks, he has also booked an extra week there to go on a road trip with one of his friends.
I feel really hurt that despite not seeing me for 2 weeks over Christmas, he’s now made it so that the entire run up to Christmas will be spent apart.

He’s also spent the previous 2 years away for Christmas, and has not invited me. It’s only when I brought it up that he invited me this year, however, due to family issues, I feel like I’m not in the position to leave them this year. He doesn’t believe he is doing anything wrong.

Am I right to feel upset? Or should I cut him some slack due to the circumstances?

It’s ok to feel hurt but he’s not doing anything wrong.
And if you don’t like him being independant in the relationship then you should consider if it’s the right relationship for you.
People are different and there is no wrong or right in this situation. It’s all about perspective.
I’m like your bf and would probably try and make the most of the time I’m away by also going on a roadtrip. Why don’t you make plans with your friends while he is away

 

[RocksOff]

Our dog barks in the evening when we let him out, he doesn't bark at any other time
Our neighbours laugh, they know it's ten o clock when they hear him!
We have tried all sorts to stop him ,but it's just his little way, I'd say as long as it's not continuous barking all day, it's one of those things of having neighbours

 

[Mamacita]

Quick question, can a married woman have a male platonic friend? A guy friend who has met your husband and you know you will never sleep with.

I think yes but it's not always black and white and will depend on various factors imo.

E.g. (not saying this is your situation just using this as an example)- you may know you will never sleep with the person and don't fancy them at all but does the feeling go both ways? What if the guy is actually hoping for something, is it appropriate and worth to keep the friendship going?

I would personally find it weird if my husband suddenly developed a close friendship with a woman. Not because it's necessarily wrong but because it would be so out of ordinary for him but it might be perfectly normal for someone else

 

[Black.bird]

At what point do you issue someone an ultimatum? MrBabes and I have been together 7 years, he knows I want to get married, every time I bring the subject up he usually just brushes it off. At what point do you walk when they won’t commit?

It depends ... why is marriage important to you, and not important to him?
I don't agree with ultimatums, but if he really doesn't want to get married then there's no point in pushing it.
I would encourage you both to have a decent sit down and discuss your feelings properly though.
If you're happy together and in love, that all that matters really.

 

[littlepup]

So we’ve received a letter threatening that we have 10 days to buy a tv license or else they’ll send someone round/court summons etc.
How real is this threat? I’m a nervous person so I’m so close to just buying the license for the year to avoid it

we don’t even watch live tv in our house, we just use the streaming apps, I go to my friends to watch bake off etc
They sent a letter once ages ago saying they could tell someone was using iplayer at our address but the only thing I can think of was we logged in on the tv once to check what was on the app and then didn’t watch anything.

Google it in case it’s changed but I don’t think they can prove it and have no right of entry.
If you watch IPlayer you should have a licence but the likelihood of them taking you to court to prove it is very slim. It’s scare tactics.

 

[littlepup]

I get how you feel about it. It's slightly different but no one remembers when my mum died, not even my husband.
I've come to realise that not many people think outside of their own box. Which has been quite a shift for how I think of other people.

I laughed when my aunt text me on the anniversary of my Dad’s death and got it wrong… turns out I had it wrong! It’d only been 2 years too. She’ll give updates about all the family, the great aunts and second cousins, half the time I don’t know who she’s talking about. She’s genuinely emotionally invested but I couldn’t cope with having that many people to worry about. There’s an element of self preservation there.

We have to wish happy gotcha day and birthday to the siblings’ cats and dogs and buy them a Christmas present. It’s exhausting.

It’s not that I don’t care but as I say, there such a lot to think and worry about in life in general, some people have an element of detachment because they don’t want to deal with things emotionally or don’t have the bandwidth for it.

 

[JoeBloggs]

Not sure where to put this and it's very boring sorry. I have quite a few people on Christmas Day and I'm stressing as I don't have a large oven. I'm cooking chicken and beef and want to cook one chicken the night before and somehow reheat on the day just so I'm sure I have plenty to go around. How would you reheat the chicken to keep it moist (hate that word)? I was thinking of carving and plating the meat then microwaving it while covered and hoping for the best. Any advice very welcome and sorry for the dull question.

Personally I would cook the beef first and leave it to rest (covered) while you cook the chicken. If you have an air fryer or slow cooker, or perhaps one of the guests could bring one you could do one of them in their or some of the veg to give you more space.

I have a smallish oven, we'll cook the turkey first and leave it. We are then doing ham in the slow cooker.
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I have a work acquaintance who I feel bad for because she's older and doesn't seem to have friends or family nearby. I have fallen into the trap of occasionally inviting her to things and then regretting it because she will turn every conversation back to her, no matter what. She also tells tales on people ("has a word" with peoples' managers about various things), and talks about people a LOT behind their backs.

A work colleague is currently in hospital and a small group of us from work went to visit her this morning (with her consent). We didn't initially invite this other lady for no reason other than she wasn't around when we were discussing it. However, she saw us heading to the carpark and stopped us to ask if we were going somewhere nice, and old softy me felt inviting her to tag along was the right thing to do. An extra person tipped us over the available space in my car, so one of the other ladies said she'd taxi over on her own. Not a good start. Anyhoo, when we got there, our colleague was pleased to see us and was giving her account of what she's been going through - except at every opportunity, this acquaintance would interrupt and say things such as, "Well, when I was in hospital they ..." and "Oh, you don't know what pain is until you've had what I had ..." it's just so tiresome and really hard to put up with. A couple of the other ladies ended up making excuses and departing (giving me the evil eye as they did), leaving me stuck with this acquaintance and another work colleague. On the drive back, the acquaintance was saying how nice it felt to be included in things, which made me feel really awful for being cross with her!

I don't know if she realises how she comes across. The funny thing is, she has told other people how they are perceived by others in the office (which has made things very uncomfortable). She just doesn't have social skills and can be very clingy.

I have actually tried to put distance between us - easily done as I'm often out of the office traveling - but she often calls or texts (I don't answer or respond) - but always end up feeling a bit sorry for her. I don't like to think of people being excluded, and I think she does realise that she doesn't fit in, but perhaps isn't aware of why that is ... I think if someone sat her down and told her how she comes across, she'd fall apart.

All advice welcome and appreciated

Ultimately, people like this get left out and have very few friends from their own behaviour.

You can be kind but keep your distance, in the instance of the hospital - I would have said where you are going, not offered and if she asked just say sorry but all the seats are taken.

 

[miss n thropy]

I've been invited to a Muslim friend's house for a meal.
Should I take something and if so what.
I'm not sure what the expectations are. ,

I don’t think there are any expectations but a nice box of baklava might be a nice gesture?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I need advice about my child’s sport! He’s played football for the last 2 years, he’s 8. He’s alright but not brilliant at it and he doesn’t put very much effort in at times which frustrates the coaches during matches. He wants to give it up. It would actually suit me very well for him to give up football - training and matches are time consuming and he’s starting to get to the stage in school where there’s more homework and we’ve been rushing homework in the afternoons to make time for dinner and football practice.

But despite all this i just can’t manage to cut the cord. The season is about to start and i have to decide what to do. I think team sports are so good for kids and i love that it’s improving his fitness. The football club is near our home and it’s a community thing too, being part of a club and all that comes with that. And once he’s out he won’t be getting back in.

He does have the opportunity to play football with friends in our estate as we are lucky enough to have a football field nearby. Could this be enough? Should we keep at it even when it feels sometimes like flogging a dead horse?

I think it’s a bit of a mixed bag. There are things I wish my parents made me carry on with when I wanted to quit and then there are things I’m glad they listened to me about.
I would say I agree a team activity is good for children. Maybe comptomise and tell him if he wants to stop football it’s ok but he needs to pick another activity to replace it