The advice thread for random problems #6

[petitspois]

Get him on his own and ask "have I done something to upset you? Because you've made comments towards me a few times now".

Definitely call him out politely in public to show him up!

 

[littlepup]

Sabatier are good. Tkmaxx is the place for good deals on knives. However you can get a good saroener from Amazon for £5-10 and maybe extend the life of your existing ones, all knives need sharpening or the will eventually blunt.

Meant to say “a good *sharpener”

 

[miss n thropy]

Here's a random thing.

Nice looking work shoes for conferences, office days, etc - something that balances a nice elegant style with comfort. I have the Clarks Pure Tone (below) in a load of colours but want something perhaps a bit more ballerina style, or even a small heel. Has anyone tried the Vivaia shoes? They look great but so expensive.

View attachment 3575399

Fitflop delicato Mary Janes are so comfy but they only come in chocolate and black x

 

[Codiaeum]

I'm in a terrible situation with my sister and I could use some advice.

She's in the middle of a crisis, going through a breakup, not having much professional success, etc... basically a midlife crisis with added depression. Lots of difficult things, one of them being her living environment. The flat belongs to our mother, we spent our teenage years there, she was living there with her ex who has moved out, so lots of memories from that relationship. Additonally, it's cramped, ground level next to a busy road, quite dark, and it hasn't been maintained well. I offered her a room in my house, initially for a couple of weeks, to offer her a change of scenery and to get away from the bad memories. We got along well in the beginning, and even spoke about her moving in as a proper roommate, but she declined because she can't afford to pay for the flat and rent at my place.

It's been three months now, and she's still here. I want to be a good sister and be there for her, but I feel it's gone from being a good sister to being a god damn door mat and enabler.

She doesn't pay rent, she's not really contributing to the housekeeping, she's taking up a lot of my time and energy with her mental health issues. Her issues taking up all the space in our relationship - she doesn't see me, I think, only herself and her issues.

I'm trying not to begrudge her that - I know how hard breakups and depression are - but it's hours of talking about her, and only her, every single day. We've had multiple conversations about her contributions as well, but nothing changed. Any time I try to talk it out, the depression is the conversation killer. She doesn't know what to do because depression - conversation over.

The angry side of me is wanting to kick her out as soon as possible, because the whole thing has caused my mental health to become more fragile as well (ADHD, depression).

I'm so angry, at myself, her, the situation - she's gotten the best possible situation for her by putting the cost, both financial and emotional, on my tab. Free place to stay, free "therapy", no need to work on anything, no need to clean, no need to put energy into change. And fuck, I get it, I've been and still am where she is sometimes, depression is so insidious and makes someone a terribly selfish person sometimes.

But fuck, I've been that person in my family that carries everyone elses burden, and apparently that's still absolutely expected of me, no, she feels entitled to it even. I have tried more than once to let her know how I feel (in less harsh terms), but it's not getting trough.

What makes me hesitate in simply kicking her out are two things. Firstly, she's had suicidal ideations during the last week, probably due to her medication. She's newly on antidepressants which can cause the depression to get worse initially when starting them. Secondly, I was were she was, and I had nobody. I had to struggle with my depression by myself and it was really fucking hard.

I'm fucking angry and terrified at the same time. But my anger is growing, and having to push it down is doing me no favours.

As an aside, our parents are horrible, and our mother has acitvely been making her feel worse. So, no help there.

What a crap situation, if I could I'd give you a hug!


Do you know what’s happening with the flat your sister used to share with her ex? Since it belongs to your mother, I assume she didn’t give it up after the breakup? Is your sister still responsible for rent there? That might explain why she can’t afford to contribute at your place.
If the flat is still available, could she possibly move back in? Maybe redecorating it or making some changes would help create a new energy and make it feel less tied to bad memories? If that’s not an option, could helping her find a small, affordable place of her own be a way forward?

That said, while I completely understand she’s not in a good place mentally, that doesn’t mean she gets to take you down with her. You're being incredibly kind and supportive, but you're not her therapist or her housekeeper. Even with depression, there are still responsibilities toward the people you live with.

Since she’s on antidepressants, I hope she’s also getting therapy support, like talking therapy or something like that? Because that emotional load shouldn't fall solely on you, especially when it’s clearly impacting your own mental health.

It might be time to set up a clear plan together, a timeline, some expectations for contributing (financially or practically), and some agreed-upon steps. It’s not about demanding instant change, but about seeing that she’s willing to try, and that your needs matter too. But you'd need to have it in you to also follow up with some consequences if she doesn't manage to take those steps ,adn you'd need to lay out the consequences out to her first so that it is clear what you expect, why, etc.

Wishing you so much strength. You’re clearly doing your best in a heartbreaking situation, and I really hope something shifts soon so that you can take care of yourself again too.

 

[NoHintOfDrama]

I've been invited to a Muslim friend's house for a meal.
Should I take something and if so what.
I'm not sure what the expectations are. ,

Flowers or a sweet treat. We had an iftar at work recently (breaking the fast) and I took a box of baklava from Sainsbury's and a fruit platter.

 

[Kim Mild]

I don’t know how to write this as I feel regardless of how I write it I’m going to look like a serious idiot. People have actual problems and then there’s me with this.

I feel like I’m in a really weird place at the minute in my life. My career is actually the best it’s ever been - earning the most amount of money I’ve ever earned, enjoying my job and not feeling massively stressed by it. However, outside of work I just feel like I’ve got nothing to show for it and I’m just letting life pass me by. I’m earning all this money, able to save healthily and have decent monthly budget (not bragging, someone will always have more than me and I’m just trying to paint a picture). I have got this desire to go and travel to loads of places using my weekends and annual leave but no one to do it with. I don’t feel comfortable enough to go to different countries on my own (but I think I’m gonna have to get to this point). My best friend isn’t on a much money as me and I feel like this disparity is really showing itself. It doesn’t bother me, it’s not really a thing and I would absolutely cover her (as I have in the past) but it’s kinda stopping us (me?) doing stuff because it’s shut down before we have a chat about “let’s plan this and pay it off accordingly so we’ve got plans and no one is feeling the expense abruptly”.

I just want my friend to be able (want?) to do exciting stuff with me instead of me suggesting things and her being like “I’ve only just got my savings looking healthy again.” I can offer to sub her money, or she can pay whatever I cover for her whenever but she doesn’t like stuff like that as she’s voiced feeling like she doesn’t want to “owe me”. It’s not like that for me and I have explained this. So to respect this and I suppose meet in the middle, it’s about having a chat about paying stuff off with ample time, yet we don’t even get to that point.

I feel at such a loss, like I don’t really have a friend. It’s making me feel insecure in suggesting things cause I feel like I’m just going to get a knock back or feel like maybe she just doesn’t wanna do that stuff with me anymore and this the perfect excuse and there is an avoidance to say the real reason It’s first world problems.

This is a massive brain dump but I just needed to put it somewhere (and that somewhere probably should’ve been my chat with her rather than here but I think I want to try and be clearer with my thoughts before doing that).

What would you do? Should I raise it? Should I join one of those groups for women who want more friends? Should I just go away by myself but on one of those group trips?

Sorry for war and peace

I totally understand the bit about life passing you by. I feel the same although my situation is abundance of time , not money.
In adulthood, it often is the case of either do it alone or not do it. Not doing it alone is usually either down to cost or confidence ( or both) .

Just be aware that any suggestions you make to your friend is a suggestion , rather than a summons and she can decline. People do have different priorities in their lives. You could share with her that you feel like your life is all work and no play.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Some people don't want to pursue more friendship. They are fine with what they've got and are content to keep everyone else as acquaintances.
https://tattle.life/threads/friends-or-lack-of-2.39813/ There's a friendship thread on here.

This If she's especially friendly and easy to talk to she probably already has many friends and therefore not looking for more. And that is no reflection on yourself

 

[ivenotimetotiktok]

I don’t even know if I’m in the right place but I was hoping someone would have advice.
I have PMDD and have taken two days off sick this year. Not back to back to separate days.
My boss has contacted my dr for my medical records. I had to give permission and was told it was my choice but the letter basically said if I didn’t it would go against me.

Need to add people I work with have been off since September last year and they’re fine but my two days hell no

 

[L1fe0nM@rs]

It sounds like you broke up because you’re just not compatible. Have you tried asking friends if that is something they would say about you? Do you have a more direct friend who would be honest but kind about it.

So you could think fuck him, he’s obviously been a poor communicator this whole time and kept his frustration hidden and just leave him in the past or you could ask him for some examples. But don’t rise to any bait, just say thanks for the feedback I’ll reflect on it.

it might just be clash between the two of you rather than a general fault in you! I wouldn’t bother arguing the toss with him though, what’s the point?

 

[cowtastrophe]

Personally I would get my own place. It’s nice to have your own place and not be beholden to look afrer her pet. She’s basically getting free pet care plus money. And I can guarantee if there was a week whwre you couldn’t look after the cat it would cause resentment.
But don’t say no, first see if yoh are approved for your own place

I agree with this. For a difference of around £200 per month I think I’d rather have my own place.

 

[Kim Mild]

Anyone know anywhere reputable (on high street or online) where I can get an old family VHS put onto a DVD/disk/memory stick? X

Does Max Speilman do it? There was an independent shop locally that did and Max Speilman and took them over but apparently provide the same services.

 

[Snippysnips]

Thanks @Snippysnips and @Codiaeum!

She is in therapy, has been for a while now and the antidepressants were on the recommendation from her therapist.

The flat is indeed available to her, and she can move back any time. There's multiple issues with it aside from the bad memories, all of which are totally solvable, but she's blocking every avenue.

She works from home so she's in a dark flat all day. Since it's street level she's got the curtains closed all day which makes it even worse. She doesn't want to spend the money on office space since her business is not bringing in enough money to break even. Understandable on one hand, but on the other, it's actively making her feel worse and is contributing to her business declining.

The flat also needs a bit of money to do maintenance and it could use a fresh coat of paint. 2 to 3 k for everything if she does the low level things herself. I offered my considerable experience as I've done lots of renovations on my house myself and I'm more than capable of helping her. She doesn't want to spend the money though. Same excuse as above.

I'm saying excuse because all of us siblings got an inheritance (very high 5 figures) for the same amount, and while I put mine into the down payment for my house, hers is in a savings account. She can stay indefinitely at our mother's flat at cost, so she's sitting on a pile of money. She is easily able to cover 2 to 3 k for repairs, she just doesn't want to spend it. And I get that to some extent, it's her fallback for when she earns less than she needs (also part of the crisis, btw, that she's put in a ton of work but it seems like her business is never going to be profitable). But her solution is to ignore the problem and stay at my place, which yeah, depression, sure, but I'm basically compensating for her ostrich tactics.



I did try that, and all it did was causing her to break down further and put her under pressure. But yeah, I will be putting down a clear timeline myself since she's unable to. She needs to move out next month, and if she wants to do some work on the flat beforehand, she has to be the one to initiate it. Doesn't mean she needs to do everything herself, but I want her to decide to do it. I need some kind of commitment to it otherwise it will turn into a "you forced me to do it" situation.
I also need her to contribute something in the next month - not sure what consequences I can give an adult other than kicking her out early, but yeah. She needs to take responsibility and contribute.

It definitely sounds like she needs some sort of plan, perhaps the two of you could put down the "ultimate goal" which will of course be her being back in her own flat, then it can be broken down into manageable steps, so step one, clean each room of the flat, step two give a fresh coat of paint (am sure you could get some cheap paint tins out B&Ms) step three try an brighten the place up a bit

By breaking everything down it takes away the feeling of there being a ton of things to do, an helps make it more manageable that it can be completed, giving an end goal also helps, so say it's to be done by end of July for example, put down what can be done each week, then what can he done each day, by the time it's broken down into what can be done each day it will feel like just a small handful of things, even putting in for a "day off" will help

But I do agree you need to really start pushing for her to help herself, sitting in a small dark room is going to do no favours as well, perhaps the room can be moved about a bit so that the curtains an windows are open allowing for fresh air an the sun is not causing glare on the computer, if she feels she has to keep them closed for privacy you could maybe look at getting a privacy firm that will allow for her to look out but no one to see in

 

[Eyespy00]

Could there be a delay on the information on the websites, am not sure how up to date they will keep them, I think you can phone but they might be rather confidential about what his case about until it's been done, I'd think it would need to go through court first before any information is released

Thanks for your reply. It’s been published now, I think I just needed to wait until after 5pm to see it.

 

[griftalo]

I’ve received an email from the estate agent that I rent my room off telling me they are going to do monthly inspections of not only the communal area but our rooms as well, this seems a bit excessive & personally I don’t want them ‘inspecting’ my room every month, it’s my safe space, I keep it as tidy as I can given the small space I have, I think every 3-6mths is fine but I find it a bit annoying.

My kid’s landlord went into their room without permission the other day. What’s up with these people?

 

[JoeBloggs]

For the last 18 years I have been named driver on my husbands policy. I now need my own car insurance policy and of course have to enter 0 years no claims. Does anyone know of an insurance company who take in to account named driver no claims please?

Have you been accumulating then on your husbands policy? If not, you have none. You need a certificate from your current insurer so if they don’t allow you to, you haven’t been. It’s usually only for the policy holder.

 

[Pesky Tarian]

Personally, I think if you have been told the bridal party colour, that it's an indirect wedding-soft way of saying 'please note this colour is reserved for the bridal party'.

The groom is our friend so comms have been somewhat minimal (!). I only realised when my husband picked up his suit and it had the green waist coat, pocket square etc.

I do think you're right though. I won't feel comfortable in the green. Thanks to all who replied .

 

[L1fe0nM@rs]

Can anyone recommend a good strapless bra for big boobs please
just bought the cutest playsuit but it’s halter neck
ideally not mad expensive

I have never got on with strapless as they tend to make me look like I have a wedge instead of two boobs. But I had this dilemma recently and bought a bra in bravissimo that has butterfly clips at the back that bring the straps into halter shape. I think my one is called Dana but they had a few

 

[Thank(space)you]

Second all this, but aren’t chiropractors known to be a bit nonsense and potentially dangerous?

Not to my knowledge, I don't profess to be an expert but they have to be registered with regulated professional bodies such as the HCPC or GCC for example (I work in PMI so see a lot of chiropractor claims)

 

[griftalo]

Any recommendations on a good washing machine that will do heavy loads like duvets an such, would be a bonus if the company took away the old one and fitted the new one but it's not a big deal as I just want the washing machine itself

My Haier machine (9kg) has been really reliable and we do a lot of washing, so it’s had a good amount of use. We have the dryer too, and while it takes longer than I like there’s been no problems.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

That sounds like a good excuse! Apparently, friend did actually ask if I would agree to come along so he's clearly aware that I’m less than bothered about seeing him.

Yeah, let Mr C go by himself. If he’s willing to take the chance of friend stabbing him in the back again then at least you don’t have to watch the betrayel