The advice thread for random problems #5

[smooth_operator33]

I mean, yes you've technically cheated. However, it is up to you how much information you feel comfortable giving someone.

In terms of dating, there's a fab dating thread on here if you wanna take a look

Oooh thank you, I’ll definitely take a look. I appreciate your honesty too

 

[tomato_paste]

Thank you, I literally pack like I think I’m going to shit myself several times a day I’m struggling with the cutting down.
What’s an easy way to dress up a bit for the evening but could probably double for day time dressed down?

Oh I always pack extra too, socks and underwear especially tbh though if anything were to happen like spilled food or something, you can wash it out, it's hot enough for stuff to dry in three hours or so.

A fancy jacket or sparkly cardigan will elevate any basics you can wear during the day, especially if you pair them with accessories, whether that be a bag, bracelet, belt, whatever. All things that won't take up much space. Heels are always a good choice too although I tend not to pack any because I like my city walking and sightseeing. Especially in Croatia there's a lot of cobblestone and stone pavings worn slippery with age, so flats are much more comfortable. If you must, I'd recommend a wedged heel!

 

[tomato_paste]

just need to vent and looking for advice not to feel this shit. My dad has never been a 'dad' to me, like he lives with us as a family but never acts like a dad would. Anyway's he adores my cousins which always stings, because I've never done anything for him to not like me. Whenever i see him with my cousins it always hurts and i try to get over it, but now feels like too much. I just wanna cry and scream and just not exist anymore cause it hurts so much. recently he has been driving my cousins around giving them an adventure taking them to picnics with takeaways and just not taking us or involving me or my family. I know there's nothing I can do but I just cant keep going on like this, it hurts too much.

First of all: I am enraged on your behalf, how dare he!!!! He is a shitty father and his fucked up behaviour has exactly nothing, NOTHING to do with you. Can I ask, are your cousins perchance male, whereas you're a woman?

Also, please, let those feelings out - I don't know if you trust your mum to be there for you but can you talk to her? And maybe screaming at him and letting him know EXACTLY what you think of his shitty actions would help? It might not change anything, be forewarned, but it might give you an outlet for your feelings? I think it's within your rights as a child to call out his fucked up actions, but only you know if that will help, or maybe make things worse.

Are there any other family members - uncles, your granddads, someone with influence over your father, that you can talk to that can put him to rights about this?

If you want to do some reading into why your dad might behave the way he does, there's many resources out there. I don't know how old you are, so some this might not be for you exactly, but these books, forums and articles helped me:

Reddit's RaisedByNarcissists subreddit: https://reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/

Reddit's JUSTNOFAMILY subreddit: https://www.reddit.com/r/JUSTNOFAMILY/

Lundy Bancroft's "Why does he do that?" - this one is more about relationship partners but I did recognise my father in a lot of his writing too: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

Issendai's writings on Sick Systems: http://www.issendai.com/psychology/sick-systems-whittling-yourself-away.html

There's many more books written about parents like yours but I don't know what type of parent he is - simply emotionally neglectful, a misogynist, abusive, a narcissist? might be a good start.

Sending you hugs if you want them, please stay in touch!

 

[StrawberryBanana90]

Just, please, be aware that your company might be monitoring your internet traffic. Not a given but they could. Depends on what your security policy says, or even your work contract.
Also please be aware that some companies have a clause in their work contracts that anything created on a work computer and / or during working hours, they might retain the intellectual property of. Just to make sure you're not going to get into hot water there.

Thank you for all your suggestions! & @Captainmouse + @Mamacita about the courses - the open uni seems to have a lot of interesting ones for free!

Also thank you for your concern! We're a small company with very bare bones contracts and we have 1x IT guy and he's confirmed to me they don't monitor

 

[WeepingCassandra]

I’ve seen a job that I’m really interested in applying for. It’s still within the NHS but it’s a different department that I’m not too familiar with. I’ve read through the person spec and job description and I already tick a lot of, if not the majority, of what they’re looking for. I’ve worked in the NHS long enough to know that doesn’t really mean much though so I am REALLY hoping to nail the application and make sure that I’m giving myself the best chance of being successful.

I plan on going through the person spec and job description again and writing examples of how I meet each point, for anything I don’t meet/have no experience with I plan to write a close example and how I would apply that to what they’re looking for. I’ll then put these examples together and use it for the application itself. I think I’m also going to get in touch with the point of contact on the job advertisement to ask for more information and potentially a visit to the department if they allow it.

Is there anything else I should be doing? I tend to overthink job applications and end up word vomiting or go off on a tangent and miss the point completely (although that’s more in interviews I guess). What are the best questions to ask when getting in touch with the department, asking for more information about the job seems a bit too obvious? I have a few weeks before the closing date so thankfully don’t need to rush

Make sure you're hitting all the points on the job spec. The interview sift in the NHS is (as you probably know) all points based, and it needs to explicitly stated in your application - either in the current job duties part, the qualifications or the person spec part. To the point where even if it's blindingly obvious. For example, in my sphere we often drive vans to pick up patients and you have to do this in the job role but it's not a common duty, so only once or twice a month. When applying for this job I would make sure to state in a separate paragraph "I am a full UK driving licence holder and have held this for X years. I have insurance on my own car for work purposes and can drive a variety of vehicles including work cars and vans." Line by line, point by point, no matter whether it says essential or desirable, assessed at interview or in application.

I would be careful to try and make it sound cohesive though, you don't want to be bullet pointing the JD criteria (for example - Use of IT systems, confidentiality awareness, keyboard skills) I wouldn't put "I use IT systems in my current role. I am aware of confidentiality. I have keyboard skills." I would put something like "In my current role I use a wide number of IT systems including X, Y and Z to perform tasks. I am responsible for maintaining the confidentiality of patients and do so by ensuring that any patient sensitive information is disposed of appropriately and discussions of a sensitive nature take place in a private area. I completed my European Computer Driving Licence and touch typing course in 2004 and have been a competent IT user for many years." (Which I think is what you're saying anyway).

I personally would contact the recruiting manager and ask for a walk around or informal chat, in my sector it is pretty important and people do get a feel for you based on that but appreciate that's not the same for all.

If you nail all the criteria and can demonstrate them in a clear way you will be guaranteed an interview...

 

[Snippysnips]

Get a foot mask, the one from home bargains, it takes it all off, you have peeling skin for a while but omg it really works. I used to get cracked heels before using them. I tried all the creams prior.

Thanks, was just in home bargains the other day as well, will look out for it next time

How does one usually go about getting out of something they don’t want to do?

I know we are all adults and theoretically it should just be a case of “I can’t make it anymore” and that be that, but I know it’s never as simple.

A work colleague is terminally ill and they have arranged a night out. They’ve only told one person the details of this night and said it’s a surprise, but of course we have all been told and all now know. The “surprise” also involves full payment from everyone going - so basically it’s just an event she wants to go to, nobody else, and we all have to pay our way etc. I said yes initially when asked if I was free but I really don’t want to go. It’s on a weekend and that’s the only time I get to see my family, working all week and other than bath and bedtime, I don’t see my kids much during the week.

I just feel mean as she’s poorly and I know people will talk and say how they can’t believe I’m not going etc. Any tips on situations like this?

I used to say yes to absolutely everything because I felt like I needed to go, or felt like I couldn't get out of it but then I started realising that I was stressing for nothing because people really don't care as much as we think they do if you are there or not, I think we worry more than they do, the person will have enough of others all there, sure they might ask where you were but ultimately they get over it an aren't bothered as much as we are

I'd just say that your weekends are full an you are unable but maybe you could catch a coffee with them some other time when you both have time

 

[WeHadFunRight]

I really need to know what bra size I am, where is the best place to get fitted and has anyone done an online fitting before? Were you happy with the result?

 

[Snippysnips]

I’d rather he didn’t get near my cats space at all- if he could be scared away without hurting him that would be ideal- ( thought about putting hubby in the shed overnight with the garden hose - he would’t do it) might see if i can get a second hand catflap without paying full price for something my older two might not figure out

It's not guaranteed but some don't like walking over mesh wire, you could maybe get some cheap an make a sort of border around the area which keeps your cats in their little zone an hopefully this one out, again though it's not guaranteed, some might just walk over it

 

[Former_Antelopee]

They are neutered- we got them from a rescue who neuter before rehoming- Neutered Toms will still defend their territory
The stray/ new cat probably isn’t but if it owned my the neighbour I think might own him- he is careless with his animals ( dogs chase livestock etc, not chipped ) so I doubt he will give cat any attention

Or if somehow you can capture the cat take it to the vets. If it's unlikely to be neutered then may also not be chipped, might be a stray anyway so therefore helping it have a better life . Some rescues will give cat traps out to help catch them

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Hi Random problem incoming… Cat related - We have 2 outdoor cats that happily sleep and eat in a garden shed- it has a catflap and they can come and go- recently a younger black cat has appeared- it is fighting with my 10 year old tomcat- it can use the catflap and is eating my cats food- hubby saw it zoom out the catflap a couple of mornings- A lad owns a garage on our road but he doesn’t live there we think he may “own” the cat - a number of neighbours have rodent issues at the moment- we have neighbours of the travelling variety and their place is filthy- how to deter the cat from bothering my 2 ? we never see it by day

Get your cats neutered. That would solve two problems

 

[Pesky Tarian]

Can anyone recommend any good websites for wall art? I've just redone a bedroom and it's a bit plainer than I wanted so need some jazzy wall art to brighten it up. Not worried about cost, just want the right thing but there are so many websites I'm not sure where to start.....

I've had a glass piece recently from here, really different

New Arrivals

artronauts.co.uk

I had the painted woods.

 

[georgiecait]

Holiday Packing Advice

I’m going away for 4 nights to Croatia. The weather will be nice. I’m trying to pack the least amount of clothing possible. Excluding underwear and socks, what would you include? Or definitely exclude?
I feel like I still have too much

I went to Croatia in May a few years ago and, you could be blessed, but we had a few weird chilly days so one pack of trousers (not jeans so it's not that heavy) and a jacket of some sort just to take the chill off if you have it.
Enjoy!

 

[littlepup]

Thanks for trying ladies 🤍
I’ve found something similar in a 3 pack but annoyingly twice the price, but at least I can be sure it’s not just that I don’t know how to find them before I pay the extra.

Although if anyone can recommend some really soft bra/crops without a thick band and a bit of stretch. Pretty much need something to lift my pregnancy boobs off my bump without squeezing them - the glamour!

 

[Hastaggifted]

I got a speeding ticket (I know, I know) and it said send back within 28 days or £1000 fine and other stuff. Filled it out, my husband said he'd post it. Fine.
Ive just found it in the car. 28 days is tomorrow. I've shoved it in the post box with a first class stamp on. Am I going to get a £1000 fine?! Can / should i call them?!
I've been driving 15 years and never had a speeding ticket.
I haven't got £1000

 

[Jas28]

honeslty I dont have any achievments and they are the ideal child my parent wanted to it hurts even more. but as the advice is easily given. but thank you fro replying and i am sure you also have achievements sending lots of love.
---


yh thats true, it's just I have been compared to this person and their achievements/milestones and now they got thier next one so it feels like a stab in the heart and i cannot shake the feeling off.

That’s rude, someone else comparing you to others. Especially if they haven’t walked in your shoes. I would be wary of that person don’t let anyone make you feel less than.

 

[Snippysnips]

What about an escape room?

Escape rooms are actually surprisingly fun, done a harry potter themed one for my birthday this year an really enjoyed it, am already looking into doing another as they had a bank heist one

 

[becca7721]

Had anyone done the virtual races on the conqueror challenge website? They have a Harry potter one I was thinking about doing, wondered how easy/hard they are to keep track an complete, it does say it links with Fitbit but does it link easy enough, I assume you also get each medal as you complete them as well, or does it just send all of them out when finished?

I’ve done several. I really enjoyed them but sadly the website and app don’t work on my device anymore, though I still keep track of my walking. I didn’t link mine to anything, just inserted the amount I’d done and measured it in km not miles. Once you’ve completed (it was then max 18 months and if you don’t then you won’t get a medal); you enter your name and address and the medals are sent.

The postcards I got were really interesting. I did ones I’d have liked to visit, so Giza was my first and I completed a year challenge as well (set your own goal for that one).

I was forced to stop before I could complete my last one or sign up for the lord of the rings one they did.

The medals are good quality heavy metal and very well done.

 

[littlepup]

Thanks, I wasn’t sure if there was anything in HR law/regs about it. A complaint is definitely being made!

There’s nothing to stop you putting it in a sealed envelope addressed to HR in the box I’d guess. Then if they opened it, it would be an issue.

 

[Captainmouse]

They’re not particularly cheap but you can buy cat flaps with chip sensors, if yours wear collars, so only they can get in.

Some will work with your micro chips

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I’d really appreciate some help with something that’s maybe a bit silly but I want to be prepared.

Background info- I work for a massive international company who shall remain nameless. In my time, I’ve been poached to work in different roles and in different locations.

Years ago, I worked in city A and would occasionally need to work with “Morag” from a different but closely connected department and let’s say, there was a clash of working styles between us. Some time after that, I changed roles and moved to city B but would return to city A twice a year to help them out at an event in which I was particularly skilled at, which Morag would never have been able to run as the rest of the team in the event’s execution. During one of these events, we had a blazing row and thankfully Covid intervened and I haven’t seen her again.

I am now in city C and Morag has moved to a new role and will be visiting my site next week. I will be professional and polite but I know she will be really nosy about why I left my job and city B for my current role in city C. How can I professionally and politely shut down those questions?

Yeah, just redirect with "I wanted a new challenge" or "I can't discuss it" as other said. I normally ask people about themselves when I want to avoid being questioned and it works a treat because people love talking about themselves.