The advice thread for random problems #5

[Clickbait]

Hello, I haven't posted in a while but don't really know where to turn and here tends to give good advice. Recently, my ex fiancé contacted me after a lmost 9 years of no contact. In their message they basically apologised for how things went down between us, then added that they hope I'm in a better place now and wish me all the best, ending it with sending lots of love. Just for context, my ex fiancé was very abusive physically, emotionally and other ways to me and treated me so badly. I know narcissist gets thrown around a lot these days but I truly believe he was/is.

I replied to his message, I don't know why, I think because I'm not the type to hold grudges with people and also knowing him, he would say well I tried to be the good person and reach out and she couldn't even reply back. I replied saying I appreciate his message of apology and asking if him and his parents are well. Then he never replied back. I just feel a bit confused why randomly almost 9 years later he would message out of the blue to then not reply to me and I find it quite weird. I've had exes, family, friends message months or years after talking before and there was always a line of communication happen.

Don't ask me why I care, I can't say why but it's left me feeling a bit confused what the point was to reach out and has opened up old wounds to be honest when I thought I was doing ok. Has anyone else ever had an ex pop up to not reply either lol or am I the odd one out? Sorry for the long message!

It strikes me you’re trying to examine and understand the behaviour of someone whose past behaviour has not been understandable - I say that because I cannot understand someone who purports to love and want to marry someone also being abusive to them.

There is usually a reason why an ex messages out of the blue and in my experience it is always self-serving: they want to try and see if sex is still on the table, they’re having a pang of guilt for being shitty, they’ve had too much to drink and aren’t thinking straight, they’re feeling nosy about how they stack up personally against the person they moved on from.

True narcissists love attention and mind games. He is your ex for a reason and you really need to block and move on. The fact this has left you unsettled is a prime example of why.

 

[Captainmouse]

I think Evri are going for the record here

sorry I don’t think they are in order

 

[Good Egg]

Life just seems too much today. It’s about this time of the evening I start to wobble. I’ve been out today. Got a coffee alone, scrolled socials, popped to the library and got some new books, did a good food shop. Cooked a lovely meal for me and my son who’s gone out now. I just feel so lonely. I’m early forties. Last night I couldn’t sleep. I walked around my neighbourhood... lovely to see couples snuggling on the sofa watching TV. I came home to an empty house again.
They say fill your cup. I’ve been doing that for decades. Ive been single and happy for ages. I’ve volunteered, travelled, worked more than one job, worked on new hobbies. I just feel, I know this is it for me now and it makes me so incredibly sad... I don’t need a partner to make me happy I know that, it’s just I crave a connection, a cuddle just someone to share hopes and dreams with and support each other you know? If I hear one more cliche or another person in a happy relationship tell me you’ll find someone I’ll go mad!
I’m just finding things tough at the moment. Not sure if it’s perimenopause related or the fact I’ve been hurt by someone who I thought would always be there...
Evenings are the worst... I’ve been trying to go to bed earlier and wake earlier. I’m trying to focus on me. It’s so tough

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

My divorce cost me far more money than my wedding did.
It was far harder, more painful work to deal with too.

The people who care about you won’t be let down by you cancelling a wedding. I’d far rather a friend or loved one did that, than go through with an unhappy marriage.

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

He said he heard from people

I think I am gonna have to look around, my MOT and service isn't due for a month so I've got time

Promiscuous is a very judgemental word. He is being shaming and judgemental and you are falling in with it, shaming yourself by using that language.
So you slept with more than the average number of people? So what? If you didn’t hurt anyone and they were consenting adults, what business is it of anyone’s to make any comment?

I would not only not date the mechanic, I’d also find a new one and block him and his foolish, misogynistic, judgmental arse. This type of man is bad news. He is making a snide moralistic comment about your sexual history and this is him trying to woo you? This is the best version of himself? Because that’s what we usually present at this point in time.

Trust me, he will use it against you.

Don’t agree to do something in bed he wants to do?
He will bring it up

He feels angry and upset about something you have done?
He will bring it up

He feels you have belittled or laughed at him?
He will bring it up.

Men like this are really bad news. He is starting a possible relationship by undermining you and making you feel ashamed and upset and passing it off a ‘joke’. Bullshit. He’s just a weak minded, intimidated, POS who wants to ensure you stay in your place.

I do understand looking back on previous behaviour and feeling less than proud. But if you did not hurt anyone, perhaps you could extend some compassion to yourself and see your behaviour without the filter of entrenched societal morals? I have a high number of partners. All but two of them happened over 30 years ago and I had all the sex for really bad traumatic reasons. I used to feel ashamed and wish I had not slept with them, but now when I look back I no longer wish to erase the sexual experiences. Instead I wish each one had not been a desperate, futile attempt to regain control of my body autonomy, but a fun passionate encounter that was exciting, fulfilling and saucy. I wish the sex had been joyful and relaxed and had not filled me with anxiety and shame.

This silly, pathetic little man is intimidated by you and your past. Go and find someone who thinks you are wonderful. Or at least thinks well of you and is excited and happy to spend time with you. Not someone who starts off disapproving and passive aggressive.

If anyone makes stupid comments like that in future, stay calm and ask them exactly what they mean.
“Could you explain what you mean by that?/
Can you tell me what it is you are referring to when you say that?”
Why are you making comments about what I did 20 years ago? How is that relevant to your experience with me today? What is it you are trying to achieve by making a comment? Your comment was unkind and judgemental why did you make it? Etc etc. etc. Decobstruct their comments and argument.

Stay calm but poke, poke, poke until those Motherfuckers have to admit they are just small minded judgemental dickheads.

 

[avabella]

I think (& have been debating for a while) that I need to go back on my antidepressants, which is something I really don't want to do. Any advice to stop me feeling like a failure if I do go back on them?

Why would you be a failure for recognising that you have a chemic imbalance in your brain , and require medication to rebalance it? Would you feel like a failure if you were diabetic and required insulin? That’s how I’d look at it

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Thanks to the Tattlers who recommended the fast 800 calorie counting. And a special shoutout to @littlepup for the menu.
In a week I’ve lost 2kg! And that includes going for a Turkish on Sunday which meant I wrote that day off.
This is supposed to be just a quick fix but it’s made me realise how out of hand my snacking has become!

I’ve always had a pretty healthy balanced diet but since I’ve restricted my calories to 800-1000 per day I’ve seen how much crap I snack on.
Going forward this is something I will address

 

[Jerry Garcia]

Hello all,

I am just looking for your opinions on this…

I am 34 and still in my childhood home with my mum. She’s a tad controlling sometimes but overall we get on so well, we watch all the same things and love each others company.

What are your opinions on people being at home in their 30s? I’ve been exploring moving out but in all honesty I don’t want to leave. My cat is here too and I couldn’t bear leaving her. Should I just suck it up and go though?

I've got my very own place and am mortgage free, but I would sign it over to you pr anyone in a trice for just an hour with my beloved and much missed mother X

 

[Hastaggifted]

Society I guess! People thinking that it’s unacceptable to live with your parents in your 30s… I feel so judged! But honestly me and mum like me being here and we miss each other so much. We’re pretty much besties

Fuck society. Paying full rent/mortgage and bills sucks stay as long as you can. Enjoy paying half (if thats what you're doing) and enjoy living with a mum you're best friends with. My mum is annoying AF

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I read somewhere that it takes at least 66 days for something to become a habit, so I focused on one thing at a time when I needed to sort my weight/fitness out. First thing was my sleep; then steps per day; then my diet. Now 12 months on, I don't even have to think about it, it's instinctive.

 

[Good Egg]

Thank you all so much for your suggestions lots of great ideas for me to ponder.

I struck up the courage and enrolled on a part-time college course around my employment today and will certainly have a look at the suggestions you’ve all made.

Thank you. I’ve been feeling very stuck in a rut, heartbroken, low recently but I feel more positive today. Thank you xxxx

 

[littlepup]

Advice please ladies….

Over the weekend I went to a bbq that my friends (let’s call them M and A
- who are also my neighbours) hosted.
Half way through the night M could hear other neighbours at the bottom of our road having some kind of party, and decided she would invite them round to join us. They didn’t know eachother but had said hello in passing.
Later on into the evening I was getting to know one of the new neighbours (let’s call her R) and we seemed to be getting on really well.
We then started to discuss having a party and how it might affect the neighbours. I said well, M lives here, I live next door and A lives the other side, so you’d only have to worry about the neighbours behind you. Something about me saying that got her back up and she questioned what I said leading me to repeat myself. It got her back up even more and out of no where she jumped on me and started attacking me.
The chair I was on fell backward and I fell with it into a bbq. M ran off into her front room whilst all this was happening, and A and others broke up what had by then turned into a fight.
R left the house along with her partner and another neighbour she’d bought with her.
I stayed for a few more hours and went home.
The next morning I woke up covered head to toe in bruises. I never received any message from either M or A asking if I was ok. Later on that day I messaged M to ask if R had been and spoken to her or given her an apology considering it was her house it had all happened in. She said she’d seen her and that R had apologised to her. I asked if she had said anything about attacking me and she said that R hadn’t mentioned anything about it. I sat there for a while thinking about the situation, wondering why M not only hadn’t messaged me about speaking to R, but also why she hadn’t said something along the lines of, thanks for the apology, but you also really need to be apologising to my mate. I told her it didn’t feel right that R had apologised to her and not me and she said that playing devils advocate there could be many reasons why she hadn’t been to apologise to me.
Prior to this I’d had messages from M telling me it was just a drunken scrap and I needed to let it go and not dwell on it. I explained to her that nobody had put their hands on me since my abusive ex, and that I’d felt really triggered and upset. M has told me that she doesn’t want any trouble with neighbours and wants to get on with everyone. She can’t see where I’m coming from at all or seems interested at all about how I feel and it’s been made out to be a ‘brush it under the carpet’ type scenario, where I should let it go so she can go enjoy a new friend.

Am I in the wrong here to be feeling the way I do? I’ve since been called a drama queen and told I need to build a bridge and get over it. That just because I’ve had M’s back in certain situations (that she’s not asked me to) and I shouldn’t expect it back, otherwise I’m doing something kind, not for the sake of being kind but because I want it back. I don’t have a friends back out of kindness, I have a friends back out of loyalty for the friendship.

I wasn’t expecting M to get involved or have any problems come her way from the neighbours, but I would expect a friend to at least say to the neighbour they owe me an apology. Three days have passed since it happened and yesterday M was round at R’s having coffee. Apparently I’ve shown my true colours because if something doesn’t go my way I throw my dummy out the pram and she no longer wants a friendship with me.
Really trying to figure out if I’m in the wrong here for feeling how I do and for bringing up how I feel. Personally I wouldn’t want to get to know anyone who had attacked my friend out of no where for no reason, regardless if they were a neighbour or not and regardless if it was a ‘drunken scrap’ as M calls it.
I’d make sure my friend was alright and at least let the dust settle before getting in with the new neighbour.
How would you feel in this situation and am I just being over dramatic with how I feel?

Sounds like R is an arse hole and has M under her spell.
You’re right to feel how you do but probably best shot of M who will no doubt be on the receiving end of R at some point. Given that she ran off when it kicked off, she sounds spineless.
I’d keep the peace and be civil for the sake of avoiding retaliations and a hostile environment but keep a good distance from all.

 

[Tommyb]

A guy called me a maneater back in January and every time they message me I feel hurt by it all over again
I have low self esteem and I am not proud of my promiscuous past.

The advice I'm seeking is how can I let go of this hurt?

Who is he to you?
Why is he still on a position to message you?
First off. You have nothing to be ashamed of l, promiscuous or not.
Once you stop judging yourself you won't care what he or anything thinks. When someone says something about me I always think what kind of person are they? Are they someone I aspire to be?, someone I would take advice from?.. if not .. why would I respect their opinions?. It wouldnt count for anything.

 

[tomato_paste]

Thanks for all your advice!

So, first of all, it's a VW with 300k - but this type of engine is known for going up to 500k, so I'm not bothered. My friend's renewed all the fiddly bits that can break as well, and did an oil change recently too. Friend's getting the MOT done on Tuesday and will fix any issue if needed before selling it to me. There's a bit of rust but not bad, it's all surface.

I drove the van today, took it down steep roads (brakes are great), the motorway - he's not the fastest initially, but he's packing a punch. Insurance is probably not too bad, there's new tyres, both summer and winter.

The vanlife setup is pretty great, battery, wiring with low- energy LEDs, waterpump, etc. There's a fridge, double bed, lots of smart storage for clothing etc.

Only drawback is its a Diesel and mainland Europe, lots of cities have environmental zones now where you're not allowed to take old Diesels to. But I'm planning on countryside wild camping in Sweden anyway for now, so we'll see.

Unless something comes up at the MOT check that will be majorly expensive to fix in the future, I'm taking it

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I manage a holiday let cottage - it’s not mine, I just do it on behalf of the owners. While I do go there regularly before and after every changeover and often at other times to restock stores or check stuff, I’m getting a bit fed up with being blindsided by things coming up in the reviews which could have been resolved before had I known about them. It’s also vanishingly rare for anyone to tell me they’ve broken something.

Forex, someone has just marked us down because the toaster didn’t work. I had no idea the toaster was broken because no one had mentioned it and taking a slice of bread to test it every time is not something I’d automatically think to do.

I‘ve been thinking about a book to report any issues/comments but then do I want guests reading that back? No. So I thought of a suggestion box with a note on it saying please let us know if you find anything broken, if you think something is missing or you have a suggestion what we could include.

If you stayed in a self catering place, what would you think of seeing a suggestion box? Would you use it?

I don’t know where these are advertised but to me it would be common sense to say in the booking email that people need to contact you if there are any issues.
Because I agree with @Snippysnips , you ask for what you need. I’ve previously asked for spare towels, new shower curtain (this one was covered in mould) and a kettle. The kettle was so full of lime scale you couldn’t pour out the hot water.
I don’t think a suggestion box etc is worth doing.
I also suggest you leave a comment under their review like “Hi, Mr-knobface we were unware of any issues during your stay and can’t find a reference/email/text from you about this.
I wish we had known so we could’ve fixed this during your stay. Please feel free to email [email protected] to give more details so we can address the issues.
PS we fired Dave because of this, hope this takes the sting out of the toaster not working”

 

[GalaxyGirl70]

I'd agree with the PP's and just don't engage with her. She sounds like she's got MH issues, especially with the cats and not caring for them properly. Whatever you say or do is never going to be right - so why try.

We rescued a dog once, my uncle found him advertised in a shop window notice! He was 8, horribly overweight and his coat not clipped like it needed to be, had health issues that hadn't been treated, and they made out that they were broken hearted that they were emigrating and it would be too stressful for the dog to go abroad..... They came to the house to see where we lived, and took all of our details like address and phone number. The dog was left that day by them and we never heard from them again. Funny thing was he came in the door, sniffed all the rooms, found my middle daughters bed, curled up on it and that's where he slept for the next 5 years - he never pined for them at all. I'd rehome my kids and old man before I rehomed my dogs

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

A guy called me a maneater back in January and every time they message me I feel hurt by it all over again
I have low self esteem and I am not proud of my promiscuous past.

The advice I'm seeking is how can I let go of this hurt?

You have to truly believe what they are saying is bollocks. That was old you. You've put work in to change and therefore their opinion is bollocks.

I'd also consider removing yourself from his orbit if you can. You don't need to be in contact with someone who makes you feel shit.

 

[littlepup]

I’d really appreciate some help with something that’s maybe a bit silly but I want to be prepared.

Background info- I work for a massive international company who shall remain nameless. In my time, I’ve been poached to work in different roles and in different locations.

Years ago, I worked in city A and would occasionally need to work with “Morag” from a different but closely connected department and let’s say, there was a clash of working styles between us. Some time after that, I changed roles and moved to city B but would return to city A twice a year to help them out at an event in which I was particularly skilled at, which Morag would never have been able to run as the rest of the team in the event’s execution. During one of these events, we had a blazing row and thankfully Covid intervened and I haven’t seen her again.

I am now in city C and Morag has moved to a new role and will be visiting my site next week. I will be professional and polite but I know she will be really nosy about why I left my job and city B for my current role in city C. How can I professionally and politely shut down those questions?

“I can’t discuss it, terms of my contract”

 

[littlepup]

so found out this acquaintance achieved a life milestone that i am nowhere near achieving and it does not look possible for me and the news has made me feel crap. maybe jealous which i dont want to feel but i cannot shake the feeling off

Just about every milestone comes with strings attached. A house? Mortgage payments for a property that may devalue, maintenance payments, tied down. Kids? Lack of freedom, life long commitment. Marriage? Expensive wedding, difficult to walk away from if it goes badly. Promotion? Additional responsibilities, feeling tied in etc…
I’m not saying any of these things are negative or shouldn’t be celebrated but look on the bright side of what you have that the other person doesn’t have. You can’t buy time, freedom or opportunity. Try to make the most of the positives in your own situation while you can and if it’s a life goal you really want to achieve, come up with a proactive plan of how you can work toward it.
Easier said than done of course but their success does not limit your potential.

 

[Snippysnips]

So I sent a cat picture to the crazy stalking ex-neighbour with some generic message of everyone is doing well, enjoying the last of the summer. She responded normally - said she's glad he's happy and wishes me all the best. All good and peaceful.

Today I see she's tagged me in a comment on Facebook. She had found me on Facebook when she lived nearby and I had, stupidly, accepted the request (back when she seemed relatively normal). She began to tag and send me 6, 7 memes a day - to the point where I had to tell her several times I just don't use Facebook, I don't check my messages, I'm not on often. I set my account so she wouldn't see when I was online (I call/message my daughter using it so I am on a lot).

The comment was on a post of a complete stranger to me, she'd shared a 'happy ginger cat day' post. The crazy neighbour commented saying she's so very very sad that I don't realise she needs me to reach out proactively rather than her asking for updates and it breaks her heart after she 'entrusted' the cat to me. She tagged me in the comment.

I'm honestly speechless - I answer every message she sends, but I don't reach out spontaneously because quite frankly she's easily encouraged and her behaviour is quite scary (she's previously turned up at my door uninvited). She reads into everything and wants us to be best friends. I'm scared of proactively messaging because I don't want her to think I want more of a relationship.

I've explained why I'm scared to go no-contact before considering she knows my address and legally I'm not quite sure where I stand with the cat (and there's no way I'm giving him back). But Jesus, what would you do???

There is a way you can set your FB to stop people tagging you, so I'd set up the FB to the point she can't do anything like that without you knowing

I know you said you are scared to go no contact but personally I think it's best to really look into that, if you are able to sit in your house without anyone knowing you are home (like living area to the back) then I would do that an just not answer the door, maybe look into a ring doorbell so you can see who's at the door as well? Just so you don't miss anyone you don't want too, an just straight up an block all contact

I assume you have the cats registered to a vets? Maybe ask advice there on where you stand with having her cat, do you have anything where she's said she was handing it over? Messages, written paper? If you have anything keep it, but maybe see if the vet can advise, personally if she's said you are to keep it then Tbh you aren't under any obligation to even keep her updated, she's handed the animal an all rights over to you an needs to learn that

Or you can take a real risky chance an say that due to funds or due to a new job you are "moving in with friends/family" an state a place that's miles from you, like other side of the country