The advice thread for random problems #5

[Tommyb]

My birthday is coming up, am meeting some friends in London during the day, they have suggested going to a wine event but I really am not keen (I'm not really a wine drinker although they are) - should I go along even though it's not really my thing? Or if not what else can we do as they seem to want to 'do' something more than just meeting for lunch.
This is me all over btw, complain I never get invited to anything then when I do I don't want to go

If you are meeting up for your birthday then no. Don't go. Do something you will all enjoy. I did go to a boozy afternoon mad hatter themed afternoon tea once. Sounds bizarre but had a great time! I don't drink at all but there was an option to have it boozy or tea

 

[Mamacita]

My birthday is coming up, am meeting some friends in London during the day, they have suggested going to a wine event but I really am not keen (I'm not really a wine drinker although they are) - should I go along even though it's not really my thing? Or if not what else can we do as they seem to want to 'do' something more than just meeting for lunch.
This is me all over btw, complain I never get invited to anything then when I do I don't want to go

Could you suggest something else to do instead?

 

[conrea37]

My birthday is coming up, am meeting some friends in London during the day, they have suggested going to a wine event but I really am not keen (I'm not really a wine drinker although they are) - should I go along even though it's not really my thing? Or if not what else can we do as they seem to want to 'do' something more than just meeting for lunch.
This is me all over btw, complain I never get invited to anything then when I do I don't want to go

If this is for your birthday, suggest something else as you won't enjoy it by sounds of it!

 

[Snippysnips]

My birthday is coming up, am meeting some friends in London during the day, they have suggested going to a wine event but I really am not keen (I'm not really a wine drinker although they are) - should I go along even though it's not really my thing? Or if not what else can we do as they seem to want to 'do' something more than just meeting for lunch.
This is me all over btw, complain I never get invited to anything then when I do I don't want to go

Is there something you could do that is a bit of a half an half, like something you will enjoy but also offers the option to have wine so that they can enjoy it? Really it's your birthday so you should pick something more to your tastes but perhaps you could find a compromise

 

[CoffeeMamma]

My birthday is coming up, am meeting some friends in London during the day, they have suggested going to a wine event but I really am not keen (I'm not really a wine drinker although they are) - should I go along even though it's not really my thing? Or if not what else can we do as they seem to want to 'do' something more than just meeting for lunch.
This is me all over btw, complain I never get invited to anything then when I do I don't want to go

If it's your birthday absolutely not. Maybe something like a bottomless brunch where there's lots of drinks options? Or if you want something more upmarket an afternoon tea with the option to add wine/prosecco?
---

If you’ve been let go of during your probationary period (due to “unsatisfactory performance”), what happens if a new employer asks the previous company for a reference? Would they state the reason why the probation was ended or just confirm the dates worked there?

Also, would it be advisable to just leave the role off your CV and cite career break, or would you still think it’s worth adding it on and just explaining the reasons?

Not quite the same but I left a company in very negative circumstances, I just used to let people contact them and my manager would say "yep CoffeeMama worked here from x to y" then used other people as reference for my character. You can't give a bad reference but they can give facts and it's way easier to be honest than talk yourself out of a lie at a later date

 

[Lalla]

Thanks everyone, I will suggest doing something else but I'm struggling to think of something else - we did bottomless brunch last year and afternoon tea the year before. I thought somewhere we could drink and play games might be fun but someone I know got into a massive fight at one of them recently which definitely puts me off going there. My son suggested some bar that's full of table tennis tables however this unlocked a childhood memory of how I hate table tennis
I need to think of something else - oh also it has to be daytime.
This is why I never do anything for my birthday as I can't make a decision.

 

[littlepup]

This is kind of an immersive experience thing based around booze but still fun for the non drinkers apparently

Speakeasy Prohibition Cocktail Bar | Alcotraz Prison Bar

An immersive bring your own drink experience inspired by America's most infamous prison. Discover our speakeasy cocktail bars in 4 locations across UK!

www.alcotraz.co.uk

 

[AshMay]

Thanks everyone, I will suggest doing something else but I'm struggling to think of something else - we did bottomless brunch last year and afternoon tea the year before. I thought somewhere we could drink and play games might be fun but someone I know got into a massive fight at one of them recently which definitely puts me off going there. My son suggested some bar that's full of table tennis tables however this unlocked a childhood memory of how I hate table tennis
I need to think of something else - oh also it has to be daytime.
This is why I never do anything for my birthday as I can't make a decision.

For game activities - Boombattlebar, Fairgame, Flight Club, roller skating (Flippers, Roller Nation), mini/crazy golf (Puttshack, Junkyard), NQ64, VR game places are popping up these days too

Or for something more low key, there are board game cafes or bars with board/arcade games dotted around, or something crafty like pottery painting, paint n sip, candle making etc. Or even karaoke, lots of places you can book a private room for friends.

Hope you find something and have a fab day celebrating!

 

[Thank(space)you]

Thanks everyone, I will suggest doing something else but I'm struggling to think of something else - we did bottomless brunch last year and afternoon tea the year before. I thought somewhere we could drink and play games might be fun but someone I know got into a massive fight at one of them recently which definitely puts me off going there. My son suggested some bar that's full of table tennis tables however this unlocked a childhood memory of how I hate table tennis
I need to think of something else - oh also it has to be daytime.
This is why I never do anything for my birthday as I can't make a decision.

What about an escape room?

 

[Snippysnips]

What about an escape room?

Escape rooms are actually surprisingly fun, done a harry potter themed one for my birthday this year an really enjoyed it, am already looking into doing another as they had a bank heist one

 

[havee]

hi guys so I don't know whats wrong with me, i leave everything to last minute when i know wont be able to do it on time,or even do it and im aware of the stress ill go through but i still do it. for example i have an exam tomorrow worth 60% i don't know anything for it, i haven't attended lectures or anything. this is also with minor things like cleaning my rooms etc. as i tell myself i can do it later so i dont start next thing i know its too late. i want advice on how to improve myself and stop leaving things to last minute where i cant even do them e.g not handing in coursework.

 

[Snippysnips]

How do you deal with someone who's just being a pain in the a for no reason?

Am doing a qualification at work, really wasn't interested in it but my boss wants me to go for it, it's split into modules an when I started I had a guy assigned to me, he was basically there to just make sure I included what I needed too, he didn't care what way I done it an was fine with me using spell check as am dyslexic which means some words were being spelled the American way, he also said it was fine to put scenarios down in what I'd do in certain circumstances because he knew when I started it was such a tiny business an we don't follow or have what bigger businesses have, I done my first module an it was sent off an I was graded an it all passed

He's left an I now have a second assigned to me, she is starting to cause such unnecessary stress that I feel like just saying forget it, but I can't because my boss is still wanting me through this, she doesn't want words the American way an bitched because I spelt organization with a z, which means spell checker is out, am not allowed to put scenarios down which is leaving me screwed because we don't follow or do certain things (no visitor badges, sign in book etc) so am really stuck on what to do, everything has to be HER way despite her not being the one grading it, she's basically undoing everything I was told an how I knew to do the modules

I've also said for personal reasons I dont take photos especially when they are being used an going to strangers, she wont listen an because she cant be arsed coming in to observe me which is what they are supposed to do then she wants photos for "proof" whatever that's supposed to mean

Am really stuck on how to bring this all up, I just want someone who's going to check the work is correct regardless of how it's done before it's graded, but if it's not her specific way then it's "wrong" but I really am struggling in how to put the work a different way

 

[becca7721]

How do you deal with someone who's just being a pain in the a for no reason?

Am doing a qualification at work, really wasn't interested in it but my boss wants me to go for it, it's split into modules an when I started I had a guy assigned to me, he was basically there to just make sure I included what I needed too, he didn't care what way I done it an was fine with me using spell check as am dyslexic which means some words were being spelled the American way, he also said it was fine to put scenarios down in what I'd do in certain circumstances because he knew when I started it was such a tiny business an we don't follow or have what bigger businesses have, I done my first module an it was sent off an I was graded an it all passed

He's left an I now have a second assigned to me, she is starting to cause such unnecessary stress that I feel like just saying forget it, but I can't because my boss is still wanting me through this, she doesn't want words the American way an bitched because I spelt organization with a z, which means spell checker is out, am not allowed to put scenarios down which is leaving me screwed because we don't follow or do certain things (no visitor badges, sign in book etc) so am really stuck on what to do, everything has to be HER way despite her not being the one grading it, she's basically undoing everything I was told an how I knew to do the modules

I've also said for personal reasons I dont take photos especially when they are being used an going to strangers, she wont listen an because she cant be arsed coming in to observe me which is what they are supposed to do then she wants photos for "proof" whatever that's supposed to mean

Am really stuck on how to bring this all up, I just want someone who's going to check the work is correct regardless of how it's done before it's graded, but if it's not her specific way then it's "wrong" but I really am struggling in how to put the work a different way

The spellings are easily sorted, change spellcheck to English (UK), to be honest I would issue with this as well. My manager would really have a go at me for not accepting US spellings, one got through as was away and we lost a lot of funding as a result.

I’d let people do their own scenarios when teaching, because everyone learns things differently but that won’t always transfer into essays etc and, so I’d allow people to do both, do their own to learn but then they’d need to apply that to set scenarios for the course. Sometimes providers are more lax for module one but after they aren’t. Do you have the syllabus? If you have a look at that it might give an idea of what they want, also is there a sort of student services (they should have someone)? You could ask them too.

I’ve done various courses and they vary so much. I also had tutors who actually let me do things wrong because they just couldn’t be bothered and I ended up failing, I had one totally ignore the syllabus (which I had and should have studied to and ignored them). Without knowing what the course expects it can be difficult. Things like referencing can cost a lot of marks as well and different institutions use different ways.

I hope some of that is helpful. Apologies if it isn’t!

 

[Snippysnips]

The spellings are easily sorted, change spellcheck to English (UK), to be honest I would issue with this as well. My manager would really have a go at me for not accepting US spellings, one got through as was away and we lost a lot of funding as a result.

I’d let people do their own scenarios when teaching, because everyone learns things differently but that won’t always transfer into essays etc and, so I’d allow people to do both, do their own to learn but then they’d need to apply that to set scenarios for the course. Sometimes providers are more lax for module one but after they aren’t. Do you have the syllabus? If you have a look at that it might give an idea of what they want, also is there a sort of student services (they should have someone)? You could ask them too.

I’ve done various courses and they vary so much. I also had tutors who actually let me do things wrong because they just couldn’t be bothered and I ended up failing, I had one totally ignore the syllabus (which I had and should have studied to and ignored them). Without knowing what the course expects it can be difficult. Things like referencing can cost a lot of marks as well and different institutions use different ways.

I hope some of that is helpful. Apologies if it isn’t!

Thanks I'll change spell check to UK, honestly didn't know it was the US version because I don't know what words are different so couldn't pick it out that I was on the US version, what bugs me more is that clearly the one who's grading it has no problem because my last module would have been done with American spelling an nothing was mentioned to me about it so it's not the one who's grading it that has the problem as my last received a passing grade

I don't have any sort of student support because this is being done privately through the council, I was originally on a scheme with them to help me get back into work after losing mine to COVID an its this scheme that's doing the qualification even though am technically finished with the council now as it was only a 6 month support an am now a year in the job

I do have a guide that tells me what must be included in the module but nothing else, so when I first started it was up to me to find what worked for me an so long as everything that was included was there it was fine so once I done my first an got told it was perfect then I done my second the same way which now is apparently wrong because it's not "her" way but she won't tell me what "her" way is because they aren't allowed to interfere an help out, so am left not knowing what to do

She's just getting to me because she also had a witch about me not putting 7/8 hours per week into it which is impossible as I have my own job to do an am not turning round to my boss who's paying me to do a job an telling her I can't work because I've got a module to do, an my work is already hectic as it is, at first I was told I could have a year to complete it because they knew I'd only have limited hours to put into it but now she's changing it as she wants it done much sooner, she honestly just bugs me because I detest being called "sweetheart" an "honey" an she does it in this tone that makes me feel like some 8 year old that can't do anything right like "oh we spell that word with a s here hooooney"

I honestly feel like telling her to go fk herself at times

 

[becca7721]

Thanks I'll change spell check to UK, honestly didn't know it was the US version because I don't know what words are different so couldn't pick it out that I was on the US version, what bugs me more is that clearly the one who's grading it has no problem because my last module would have been done with American spelling an nothing was mentioned to me about it so it's not the one who's grading it that has the problem as my last received a passing grade

I don't have any sort of student support because this is being done privately through the council, I was originally on a scheme with them to help me get back into work after losing mine to COVID an its this scheme that's doing the qualification even though am technically finished with the council now as it was only a 6 month support an am now a year in the job

I do have a guide that tells me what must be included in the module but nothing else, so when I first started it was up to me to find what worked for me an so long as everything that was included was there it was fine so once I done my first an got told it was perfect then I done my second the same way which now is apparently wrong because it's not "her" way but she won't tell me what "her" way is because they aren't allowed to interfere an help out, so am left not knowing what to do

She's just getting to me because she also had a witch about me not putting 7/8 hours per week into it which is impossible as I have my own job to do an am not turning round to my boss who's paying me to do a job an telling her I can't work because I've got a module to do, an my work is already hectic as it is, at first I was told I could have a year to complete it because they knew I'd only have limited hours to put into it but now she's changing it as she wants it done much sooner, she honestly just bugs me because I detest being called "sweetheart" an "honey" an she does it in this tone that makes me feel like some 8 year old that can't do anything right like "oh we spell that word with a s here hooooney"

I honestly feel like telling her to go fk herself at times

Sorry if I cam across as patronising about the spellcheck. It’s always set to US and I forget people don’t always know that. Same goes for grammar check if you use that. One thing I will also mention is do not argue with it and add words you think are right - I had a fellow student who did that (unbeknown to everyone until I helped him with something) and failed his essays about to be failed and his next one he got top marks. Nine times out of ten it’ll be right unless it’s a really technical essay or specialist.

It’s not up to her about how much time you put in and have available. If your work have already said they’d allow a year then that’s what you should get. I know exactly what she’s doing, trying to get you through faster so she looks brilliant at her job, when the opposite is true. Is it really up to her or your employer? I know what you mean about being called “sweetheart” etc that’s not an easy conversation but one you need to have. I’ve always hated that in work so a clear but firm “I’m not your sweetheart and we need to keep this professional please” tended to sort it out, not always, but mostly.

 

[Snippysnips]

Sorry if I cam across as patronising about the spellcheck. It’s always set to US and I forget people don’t always know that. Same goes for grammar check if you use that. One thing I will also mention is do not argue with it and add words you think are right - I had a fellow student who did that (unbeknown to everyone until I helped him with something) and failed his essays about to be failed and his next one he got top marks. Nine times out of ten it’ll be right unless it’s a really technical essay or specialist.

It’s not up to her about how much time you put in and have available. If your work have already said they’d allow a year then that’s what you should get. I know exactly what she’s doing, trying to get you through faster so she looks brilliant at her job, when the opposite is true. Is it really up to her or your employer? I know what you mean about being called “sweetheart” etc that’s not an easy conversation but one you need to have. I’ve always hated that in work so a clear but firm “I’m not your sweetheart and we need to keep this professional please” tended to sort it out, not always, but mostly.

Thanks, an you are all good, I actually had no idea spell check could be set to US or UK so it's good to know an I'll get it changed tomorrow, am assuming it's the default it's on an like I say because I don't know the proper spelling then to me I had no idea it was wrong

I sent the module off tonight, it includes everything on the guide an has all its key phrases in as well as it's highlighted bits so if she comes back an says it's wrong then I really will have no clue what to do because I can't think of how else to word it, she offers 0 help an says I need to do it alone but won't accept how it's been put down

An yeah I'll have a word about the whole sweetheart an honey thing, my mum also works with the council an apparently they had a email sent round about not using those terms so she's not even doing her own job right

 

[becca7721]

Those terms were when I was working for the NHS deemed to be borderline offensive so it’s about time that’s been formalised!

 

[freshhead]

Advice please ladies….

Over the weekend I went to a bbq that my friends (let’s call them M and A
- who are also my neighbours) hosted.
Half way through the night M could hear other neighbours at the bottom of our road having some kind of party, and decided she would invite them round to join us. They didn’t know eachother but had said hello in passing.
Later on into the evening I was getting to know one of the new neighbours (let’s call her R) and we seemed to be getting on really well.
We then started to discuss having a party and how it might affect the neighbours. I said well, M lives here, I live next door and A lives the other side, so you’d only have to worry about the neighbours behind you. Something about me saying that got her back up and she questioned what I said leading me to repeat myself. It got her back up even more and out of no where she jumped on me and started attacking me.
The chair I was on fell backward and I fell with it into a bbq. M ran off into her front room whilst all this was happening, and A and others broke up what had by then turned into a fight.
R left the house along with her partner and another neighbour she’d bought with her.
I stayed for a few more hours and went home.
The next morning I woke up covered head to toe in bruises. I never received any message from either M or A asking if I was ok. Later on that day I messaged M to ask if R had been and spoken to her or given her an apology considering it was her house it had all happened in. She said she’d seen her and that R had apologised to her. I asked if she had said anything about attacking me and she said that R hadn’t mentioned anything about it. I sat there for a while thinking about the situation, wondering why M not only hadn’t messaged me about speaking to R, but also why she hadn’t said something along the lines of, thanks for the apology, but you also really need to be apologising to my mate. I told her it didn’t feel right that R had apologised to her and not me and she said that playing devils advocate there could be many reasons why she hadn’t been to apologise to me.
Prior to this I’d had messages from M telling me it was just a drunken scrap and I needed to let it go and not dwell on it. I explained to her that nobody had put their hands on me since my abusive ex, and that I’d felt really triggered and upset. M has told me that she doesn’t want any trouble with neighbours and wants to get on with everyone. She can’t see where I’m coming from at all or seems interested at all about how I feel and it’s been made out to be a ‘brush it under the carpet’ type scenario, where I should let it go so she can go enjoy a new friend.

Am I in the wrong here to be feeling the way I do? I’ve since been called a drama queen and told I need to build a bridge and get over it. That just because I’ve had M’s back in certain situations (that she’s not asked me to) and I shouldn’t expect it back, otherwise I’m doing something kind, not for the sake of being kind but because I want it back. I don’t have a friends back out of kindness, I have a friends back out of loyalty for the friendship.

I wasn’t expecting M to get involved or have any problems come her way from the neighbours, but I would expect a friend to at least say to the neighbour they owe me an apology. Three days have passed since it happened and yesterday M was round at R’s having coffee. Apparently I’ve shown my true colours because if something doesn’t go my way I throw my dummy out the pram and she no longer wants a friendship with me.
Really trying to figure out if I’m in the wrong here for feeling how I do and for bringing up how I feel. Personally I wouldn’t want to get to know anyone who had attacked my friend out of no where for no reason, regardless if they were a neighbour or not and regardless if it was a ‘drunken scrap’ as M calls it.
I’d make sure my friend was alright and at least let the dust settle before getting in with the new neighbour.
How would you feel in this situation and am I just being over dramatic with how I feel?

 

[littlepup]

Advice please ladies….

Over the weekend I went to a bbq that my friends (let’s call them M and A
- who are also my neighbours) hosted.
Half way through the night M could hear other neighbours at the bottom of our road having some kind of party, and decided she would invite them round to join us. They didn’t know eachother but had said hello in passing.
Later on into the evening I was getting to know one of the new neighbours (let’s call her R) and we seemed to be getting on really well.
We then started to discuss having a party and how it might affect the neighbours. I said well, M lives here, I live next door and A lives the other side, so you’d only have to worry about the neighbours behind you. Something about me saying that got her back up and she questioned what I said leading me to repeat myself. It got her back up even more and out of no where she jumped on me and started attacking me.
The chair I was on fell backward and I fell with it into a bbq. M ran off into her front room whilst all this was happening, and A and others broke up what had by then turned into a fight.
R left the house along with her partner and another neighbour she’d bought with her.
I stayed for a few more hours and went home.
The next morning I woke up covered head to toe in bruises. I never received any message from either M or A asking if I was ok. Later on that day I messaged M to ask if R had been and spoken to her or given her an apology considering it was her house it had all happened in. She said she’d seen her and that R had apologised to her. I asked if she had said anything about attacking me and she said that R hadn’t mentioned anything about it. I sat there for a while thinking about the situation, wondering why M not only hadn’t messaged me about speaking to R, but also why she hadn’t said something along the lines of, thanks for the apology, but you also really need to be apologising to my mate. I told her it didn’t feel right that R had apologised to her and not me and she said that playing devils advocate there could be many reasons why she hadn’t been to apologise to me.
Prior to this I’d had messages from M telling me it was just a drunken scrap and I needed to let it go and not dwell on it. I explained to her that nobody had put their hands on me since my abusive ex, and that I’d felt really triggered and upset. M has told me that she doesn’t want any trouble with neighbours and wants to get on with everyone. She can’t see where I’m coming from at all or seems interested at all about how I feel and it’s been made out to be a ‘brush it under the carpet’ type scenario, where I should let it go so she can go enjoy a new friend.

Am I in the wrong here to be feeling the way I do? I’ve since been called a drama queen and told I need to build a bridge and get over it. That just because I’ve had M’s back in certain situations (that she’s not asked me to) and I shouldn’t expect it back, otherwise I’m doing something kind, not for the sake of being kind but because I want it back. I don’t have a friends back out of kindness, I have a friends back out of loyalty for the friendship.

I wasn’t expecting M to get involved or have any problems come her way from the neighbours, but I would expect a friend to at least say to the neighbour they owe me an apology. Three days have passed since it happened and yesterday M was round at R’s having coffee. Apparently I’ve shown my true colours because if something doesn’t go my way I throw my dummy out the pram and she no longer wants a friendship with me.
Really trying to figure out if I’m in the wrong here for feeling how I do and for bringing up how I feel. Personally I wouldn’t want to get to know anyone who had attacked my friend out of no where for no reason, regardless if they were a neighbour or not and regardless if it was a ‘drunken scrap’ as M calls it.
I’d make sure my friend was alright and at least let the dust settle before getting in with the new neighbour.
How would you feel in this situation and am I just being over dramatic with how I feel?

Sounds like R is an a hole and has M under her spell.
You’re right to feel how you do but probably best shot of M who will no doubt be on the receiving end of R at some point. Given that she ran off when it kicked off, she sounds spineless.
I’d keep the peace and be civil for the sake of avoiding retaliations and a hostile environment but keep a good distance from all.

 

[griftalo]

I take multivitamins and iron, additional B8 and B12, biotin and cranberry supplements - not considered fish oil but I'd thought that was more for joint pain rather than bone pain. I probably should have added as well I'm in my late 30s. Had Covid 3 times previously but not for 18 months, although the pains are very similar to ones I had when I did have it but it's been going on too long to be that...

Vitamin d deficiency could be the cause of your leg pains. Especially if you keep having Covid. Low vitamin d puts you more at risk.
---

hi guys so I don't know whats wrong with me, i leave everything to last minute when i know wont be able to do it on time,or even do it and im aware of the stress ill go through but i still do it. for example i have an exam tomorrow worth 60% i don't know anything for it, i haven't attended lectures or anything. this is also with minor things like cleaning my rooms etc. as i tell myself i can do it later so i dont start next thing i know its too late. i want advice on how to improve myself and stop leaving things to last minute where i cant even do them e.g not handing in coursework.

Can you make yourself a timetable? Break it all down into tiny steps.