The advice thread for random problems #5

[xbxbx]

Others might have a different view of that but I'd only get in touch with the person about the job for actually additional info you might need to decide if the job is a good fit and if you are a good fit for it. It comes down to application and interviews, especially in public sector I'd say. If you have any friends at work who could look over your application and/or help with a mock interview then that's always a good shout. Otherwise just make sure to explain your examples well ensuring they cover the right competencies (not sure what competency framework your work uses but in sure there's some info on it). What do you need to do for the application? Is it a cover letter type thing or answering competency based questions?

Ah okay. Within my department it’s always seen favourably if we’re hiring and someone gets in touch for a chat or to arrange a visit so I just assumed all departments would be the same! I guess I can always ask those I work with if they know anything about the department first and then go from there. The application is pretty straight forward and I believe is the same for all NHS Scotland posts. There are 3 questions with the first being ‘why are you suitable for this role’, the second is ‘why do you want to work for the NHS’ which in my case would be why I want to continue working for them, and the last question is a section to provide any other information that might be relevant.

I’ve had two jobs in the NHS so I might dig out my previous applications and see what I put. Must’ve done something right with them to secure two posts!

 

[PillowsofFluff]

My daughter has just started school and it seems like ever since she keeps having toilet accidents? I don't know what she's like at school but at home I'm having to change her knickers 3 or 4 times between 3.30 and 6.30? She just keeps dribbling wee, not a full blown pee but enough that she can't stay like it. She says she doesn't know she needs to wee but I think she's just saying that because that's what I've suggested to her? I just hope her constipation isn't back again

 

[Squittel]

My daughter has just started school and it seems like ever since she keeps having toilet accidents? I don't know what she's like at school but at home I'm having to change her knickers 3 or 4 times between 3.30 and 6.30? She just keeps dribbling wee, not a full blown pee but enough that she can't stay like it. She says she doesn't know she needs to wee but I think she's just saying that because that's what I've suggested to her? I just hope her constipation isn't back again

My daughter went through a period of this when she started school. It was just a phase and she stopped a few months later and has been fine ever since. The only thing I did to try to stop it was ask her a lot more frequently whether she needed a wee. That seemed to help. Are you a fan of Queen?

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

My daughter has just started school and it seems like ever since she keeps having toilet accidents? I don't know what she's like at school but at home I'm having to change her knickers 3 or 4 times between 3.30 and 6.30? She just keeps dribbling wee, not a full blown pee but enough that she can't stay like it. She says she doesn't know she needs to wee but I think she's just saying that because that's what I've suggested to her? I just hope her constipation isn't back again

Can you put her in nappies? Or even re-usable period pants? Shame it might be excitement and/or stress.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I’ve seen a job that I’m really interested in applying for. It’s still within the NHS but it’s a different department that I’m not too familiar with. I’ve read through the person spec and job description and I already tick a lot of, if not the majority, of what they’re looking for. I’ve worked in the NHS long enough to know that doesn’t really mean much though so I am REALLY hoping to nail the application and make sure that I’m giving myself the best chance of being successful.

I plan on going through the person spec and job description again and writing examples of how I meet each point, for anything I don’t meet/have no experience with I plan to write a close example and how I would apply that to what they’re looking for. I’ll then put these examples together and use it for the application itself. I think I’m also going to get in touch with the point of contact on the job advertisement to ask for more information and potentially a visit to the department if they allow it.

Is there anything else I should be doing? I tend to overthink job applications and end up word vomiting or go off on a tangent and miss the point completely (although that’s more in interviews I guess). What are the best questions to ask when getting in touch with the department, asking for more information about the job seems a bit too obvious? I have a few weeks before the closing date so thankfully don’t need to rush

That sounds like a really strong plan. I'd definitely visit the department, maybe even shadow them for a day if possible. It shows you're committed and interested. I'd ring and say that you were wondering what their routine working day looks like. That may also provide an opening for you to suggest visiting the department.

In terms of the application. Match their wording as best you can but not in a cheesy way if that makes sense. That way you should breeze through the paper sift if there is one.

Depending on what the questions are you could use the STAR (Situation, Task, Action, Result) principle to answer each question. The same principle should serve you well for an interview too and give you a template to try and stick to and prevent word vomit.

I hope it all goes well for you!

 

[Spam5496]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

 

[Bloody orange Hell]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

My divorce cost me far more money than my wedding did.
It was far harder, more painful work to deal with too.

The people who care about you won’t be let down by you cancelling a wedding. I’d far rather a friend or loved one did that, than go through with an unhappy marriage.

 

[Tommyb]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

Please please dont worry about other people. Don't get married for them!. That is such a costly mistake...and not just money wise. Don't give your life to this if you are not happy. From my experience people don't get caught the first time... Or even the second time. He's showing you who he is... You need to believe him.

Life is stressful. That won't change. So if he's only doing it because he's stressed (this is one of the worst excuses iv heard) then he won't ever stop.

 

[Mamacita]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

Don't get married

 

[Snippysnips]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

If someone wants to change then they will, they will seek out help, if they don't then they don't want to change an its much better walking away from it before it's too late, people will understand an get over it so don't worry about letting them down

Weddings are expensive an divorces I'd imagine are even more expensive, it's not worth the costs when you know what the outcome is going be an its definitely not worth sticking in a bad marriage because of costs either

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

I'm getting married next year to my partner of 10 years, things are abit rough between us lately, fighting arguing over everything, I've caught him 4 times looking up other women and on pornhub in the last 2 months ,even though he said he'd stop ,it's like it's in one ear and out the other. We had a big argument last night and I was ready to end things with him, but I just felt pressure because we have the wedding date picked- save the dates out and I don't want to let anyone down and be an embarrassment,but I also don't want to be stuck in this relationship because he has no love towards me ,we have talked and discussed things and he always said he'd change and work is stressful, but nothing ever changes , I love him to bits but I don't know what I'm holding on to

Do you love him? Do you want to marry him? If the answer is NO to these then call off the wedding.
If the answer is yes then work on the relationship and maybe see if you can postpone the wedding.
Things like porn is often used when there is a lot of stress and uncertainty. Men are simple creatures for relieving stress.

 

[1617]

I have no idea if there is an actual marraige thread but I'm a long time lurker here so feel a little safer

Me and my husband (5 years married, 15 years together, typical got married and soon as life went fuxking tit!)
We've been through hell the past year but have fought and fought to come baxk together (he left the family home for 6months)
I am confident nothing untoward ever happened and we have no inferdility issues

However. Since being baxk together I cannot help but notice how much his eyes wonder when we are out in public together. Its like constant. To the point now where all I do is watch his eye movements. Its pathetic.
I know I've lost myself, I'm not what I used to be. I have no confidence left unless I'm at home Locked away where I know I ooze the co firenze any man loves. So I know this all a reflection on myself. But do all men do it? Do you ladies really not get bothered by it? Why won't my brain so making it hurt my heart.
It's just a once over glance, and he still very much gives me PDA but just like.... I don't even know. How do I stop making it consume me? I'm at the point I don't want to go out in public or the car with him atall anymore.

Thank you xx

 

[WeepingCassandra]

I’ve seen a job that I’m really interested in applying for. It’s still within the NHS but it’s a different department that I’m not too familiar with. I’ve read through the person spec and job description and I already tick a lot of, if not the majority, of what they’re looking for. I’ve worked in the NHS long enough to know that doesn’t really mean much though so I am REALLY hoping to nail the application and make sure that I’m giving myself the best chance of being successful.

I plan on going through the person spec and job description again and writing examples of how I meet each point, for anything I don’t meet/have no experience with I plan to write a close example and how I would apply that to what they’re looking for. I’ll then put these examples together and use it for the application itself. I think I’m also going to get in touch with the point of contact on the job advertisement to ask for more information and potentially a visit to the department if they allow it.

Is there anything else I should be doing? I tend to overthink job applications and end up word vomiting or go off on a tangent and miss the point completely (although that’s more in interviews I guess). What are the best questions to ask when getting in touch with the department, asking for more information about the job seems a bit too obvious? I have a few weeks before the closing date so thankfully don’t need to rush

Make sure you're hitting all the points on the job spec. The interview sift in the NHS is (as you probably know) all points based, and it needs to explicitly stated in your application - either in the current job duties part, the qualifications or the person spec part. To the point where even if it's blindingly obvious. For example, in my sphere we often drive vans to pick up patients and you have to do this in the job role but it's not a common duty, so only once or twice a month. When applying for this job I would make sure to state in a separate paragraph "I am a full UK driving licence holder and have held this for X years. I have insurance on my own car for work purposes and can drive a variety of vehicles including work cars and vans." Line by line, point by point, no matter whether it says essential or desirable, assessed at interview or in application.

I would be careful to try and make it sound cohesive though, you don't want to be bullet pointing the JD criteria (for example - Use of IT systems, confidentiality awareness, keyboard skills) I wouldn't put "I use IT systems in my current role. I am aware of confidentiality. I have keyboard skills." I would put something like "In my current role I use a wide number of IT systems including X, Y and Z to perform tasks. I am responsible for maintaining the confidentiality of patients and do so by ensuring that any patient sensitive information is disposed of appropriately and discussions of a sensitive nature take place in a private area. I completed my European Computer Driving Licence and touch typing course in 2004 and have been a competent IT user for many years." (Which I think is what you're saying anyway).

I personally would contact the recruiting manager and ask for a walk around or informal chat, in my sector it is pretty important and people do get a feel for you based on that but appreciate that's not the same for all.

If you nail all the criteria and can demonstrate them in a clear way you will be guaranteed an interview...

 

[littlepup]

I have no idea if there is an actual marraige thread but I'm a long time lurker here so feel a little safer

Me and my husband (5 years married, 15 years together, typical got married and soon as life went fuxking tit!)
We've been through hell the past year but have fought and fought to come baxk together (he left the family home for 6months)
I am confident nothing untoward ever happened and we have no inferdility issues

However. Since being baxk together I cannot help but notice how much his eyes wonder when we are out in public together. Its like constant. To the point now where all I do is watch his eye movements. Its pathetic.
I know I've lost myself, I'm not what I used to be. I have no confidence left unless I'm at home Locked away where I know I ooze the co firenze any man loves. So I know this all a reflection on myself. But do all men do it? Do you ladies really not get bothered by it? Why won't my brain so making it hurt my heart.
It's just a once over glance, and he still very much gives me PDA but just like.... I don't even know. How do I stop making it consume me? I'm at the point I don't want to go out in public or the car with him atall anymore.

Thank you xx

Have you spoken to him about it?

If you’re compulsively obsessing about something the best is to catch yourself and tell yourself to stop thinking about it, the more you do, the bigger it becomes. You’re overestimating the risk. What is him checking someone out actually doing or mean? Probably nothing realistically.
However, it might be helpful to understand what about is bothers you? Has it always bothered you, has he always done it? Could you be scared he’s looking for someone else, doesn’t pay you enough attention, comparing…? Can you break it down to get to the heart of the problem and address how you can overcome that.
It may be that unless you can address how it’s making you feel, he could stop looking and you’d find or suspect another behaviour in him that would make you feel the same.

Incidently I think most everyone does it, not just men. We all look at others, check out someone attractive, male or female. Not because we want to sleep with them, it just draws the eye.

 

[Bobbleowl90]

I’m covering a managerial role at work for somebody on long term sick. One member of staff (admin staff, part time - job role is very easy , no big responsibilities) is making things v difficult for me. Saying the jobs too difficult, moaning, ringing me all the time. I’ve offered solutions, I cover when she’s not in and it’s not difficult in the slightest. She has now said she will leave if the person I’m covering leaves as she won’t work for anybody else.

How do I deal with someone like this? Taking it to my ops manager on Monday but it’s draining me now.

 

[OnlyHereForTheLolz]

Have you spoken to him about it?

If you’re compulsively obsessing about something the best is to catch yourself and tell yourself to stop thinking about it, the more you do, the bigger it becomes. You’re overestimating the risk. What is him checking someone out actually doing or mean? Probably nothing realistically.
However, it might be helpful to understand what about is bothers you? Has it always bothered you, has he always done it? Could you be scared he’s looking for someone else, doesn’t pay you enough attention, comparing…? Can you break it down to get to the heart of the problem and address how you can overcome that.
It may be that unless you can address how it’s making you feel, he could stop looking and you’d find or suspect another behaviour in him that would make you feel the same.

Incidently I think most everyone does it, not just men. We all look at others, check out someone attractive, male or female. Not because we want to sleep with them, it just draws the eye.

I agree. I definitely look at goodlooking people, men and women. Mr Lolz and I would even point them out to each other.

 

[xbxbx]

Make sure you're hitting all the points on the job spec. The interview sift in the NHS is (as you probably know) all points based, and it needs to explicitly stated in your application - either in the current job duties part, the qualifications or the person spec part. To the point where even if it's blindingly obvious. For example, in my sphere we often drive vans to pick up patients and you have to do this in the job role but it's not a common duty, so only once or twice a month. When applying for this job I would make sure to state in a separate paragraph "I am a full UK driving licence holder and have held this for X years. I have insurance on my own car for work purposes and can drive a variety of vehicles including work cars and vans." Line by line, point by point, no matter whether it says essential or desirable, assessed at interview or in application.

I would be careful to try and make it sound cohesive though, you don't want to be bullet pointing the JD criteria (for example - Use of IT systems, confidentiality awareness, keyboard skills) I wouldn't put "I use IT systems in my current role. I am aware of confidentiality. I have keyboard skills." I would put something like "In my current role I use a wide number of IT systems including X, Y and Z to perform tasks. I am responsible for maintaining the confidentiality of patients and do so by ensuring that any patient sensitive information is disposed of appropriately and discussions of a sensitive nature take place in a private area. I completed my European Computer Driving Licence and touch typing course in 2004 and have been a competent IT user for many years." (Which I think is what you're saying anyway).

I personally would contact the recruiting manager and ask for a walk around or informal chat, in my sector it is pretty important and people do get a feel for you based on that but appreciate that's not the same for all.

If you nail all the criteria and can demonstrate them in a clear way you will be guaranteed an interview...

Thank you so much, this is really helpful! I’ve spent the last few days prepping for this application and think I’m gonna keep going over it until I’m 100% happy. I’m back at work next week too so I’ll get in touch with the recruiter then and see what they say, then that should give me everything I need to put any finishing touches on the application before submitting

 

[1617]

Have you spoken to him about it?

If you’re compulsively obsessing about something the best is to catch yourself and tell yourself to stop thinking about it, the more you do, the bigger it becomes. You’re overestimating the risk. What is him checking someone out actually doing or mean? Probably nothing realistically.
However, it might be helpful to understand what about is bothers you? Has it always bothered you, has he always done it? Could you be scared he’s looking for someone else, doesn’t pay you enough attention, comparing…? Can you break it down to get to the heart of the problem and address how you can overcome that.
It may be that unless you can address how it’s making you feel, he could stop looking and you’d find or suspect another behaviour in him that would make you feel the same.

Incidently I think most everyone does it, not just men. We all look at others, check out someone attractive, male or female. Not because we want to sleep with them, it just draws the eye.

Soooo I brought it up this evening.... he has now packed his bags and left. I truly believe right now it was more of a case of gut instinct being right and him no longer being invested 🥲 I just can't see how me approaching my feelings has ended it all. Happy saturdayyyyyy

 

[Rxt156]

Soooo I brought it up this evening.... he has now packed his bags and left. I truly believe right now it was more of a case of gut instinct being right and him no longer being invested 🥲 I just can't see how me approaching my feelings has ended it all. Happy saturdayyyyyy

He LEFT?!? OH MY GOODNESS. It sounds like your gut was right about this man. You deserve better than someone who will just up and leave before reassuring you. Men suck. I. Am so sorry

 

[didisaythatoutloudoops]

Soooo I brought it up this evening.... he has now packed his bags and left. I truly believe right now it was more of a case of gut instinct being right and him no longer being invested 🥲 I just can't see how me approaching my feelings has ended it all. Happy saturdayyyyyy

I know - very much from experience - how it feels right now. But believe me, you will look back at this moment and thank him for hauling his useless, wet towel a out of your life. Bigger and better things coming.