The advice thread for random problems #2

[littlepup]

I have lost some weight, but not a huge amount. Probably because I'm eating less tbh. No one mentioned thyroid so I might ask the dr.

Try not to come up with reasons for anything, (like long covid etc) let the doctor diagnose.
Weight loss is a red flag symptom as is new onset pain or weakness. which they will definitely investigate more. If pain worsens in the evening that’s also significant.
Make a list of all symptoms and speak to the doctor again omitting anything that you think could explain it. You want them to work for you rather than accept a self diagnosis and get you out of the door. You have to really push.
Blood tests are only relevant for the current time so the previous blood test is a marker but not relevant to how you’re feeling now.

I’m not saying this to worry you, it sounds a lot like long covid but just let the doctors decide so you know for sure otherwise the anxiety of ‘is it though’ will make you more poorly.

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Inflammation markers + low iron for me ended up being coeliac disease- might be worth asking for that to be added to the blood test?

 

[Snippysnips]

Not sure about the iron levels. Maybe I need to ask the GP to check them again? Thanks for the advice about vitamin d & stress. I'm on meds for panic attacks, so it could be a combination of all those things. I hope you're feeling better now??

Thanks, I am feeling alot better, I also felt keeping a diary helped me as well, it could be worth doing, make a note of when the tiredness is bad an note down how you are feeling, how you ate, slept etc, it will help to determine if there's a pattern to your tiredness or if it's random

If it can all be linked to your eating, sleeping, mood etc then maybe you just need a boost to your iron an vitamin d levels (since we only get vitamin d from the sun then it's common for alot of us to be low or have a defincy) an if it's more random where you feel like your mood, eating an sleeping have been fine then it could be more going on an worth to have more blood tests done with other things, drs usually only take general blood tests an you might need things like thyroid or cortisol levels checked

Hope you manage to get it sorted

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

So, I'm not sure I need advice as such but it isn't a rant either...
I've been separated over a year and am in the process of divorcing. There was abusive behaviour, some physical but mostly mental.

Recently I met someone I found quite attractive. It caught me off guard a bit. I think this person is married anyway so it's a non issue because they are not available.

I also had someone do some DIY this week and found him quite attractive. He is in a similar situation to me, not that it matters.

My issue is that I suddenly don't trust. Even the second guy who has spend some time explain his divorce to my parents who he was also doing some work for.

How can I ever trust what people say? How will I trust that the person I meet is telling the truth? How do I trust my own judgement? It's irrelevant to the two people above because those situations won't develop but I would like to meet someone one day.

 

[rainbowlemon]

How can I ever trust what people say? How will I trust that the person I meet is telling the truth? How do I trust my own judgement? It's irrelevant to the two people above because those situations won't develop but I would like to meet someone one day.

The thing is trust has to be earnt. It's not automatically given. I do not trust easily either. Given your background I would suggest therapy. If that's not possible at the moment taking sometime out just to work on yourself and building up your self esteem up again would be vital before you get involved with anyone. Trusting yourself I think would come with loving and forgiving yourself for the choices you have made. All relationships involve risk. It's okay to take things slow and at your pace.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

The thing is trust has to be earnt. It's not automatically given. I do not trust easily either. Given your background I would suggest therapy. If that's not possible at the moment taking sometime out just to work on yourself and building up your self esteem up again would be vital before you get involved with anyone. Trusting yourself I think would come with loving and forgiving yourself for the choices you have made. All relationships involve risk. It's okay to take things slow and at your pace.

I'm having some counselling at the moment.
I'm definitely not about to start dating again, it's just these feelings have made me overthink things.

 

[rainbowlemon]

I'm having some counselling at the moment.
I'm definitely not about to start dating again, it's just these feelings have made me overthink things.

Nothing wrong with thinking. Do you journal? Maybe free writing could help - I always think we already have the answers we're searching for.

When the time comes with trust look also look at their actions too. What are they doing or not doing?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Nothing wrong with thinking. Do you journal? Maybe free writing could help - I always think we already have the answers we're searching for.

When the time comes with trust look also look at their actions too. What are they doing or not doing?

I don't journal, mainly because I can't fit it in! I know it might help but I'm so hemmed in at the moment that this is my only outlet.

 

[Babysnark]

So, I'm not sure I need advice as such but it isn't a rant either...
I've been separated over a year and am in the process of divorcing. There was abusive behaviour, some physical but mostly mental.

Recently I met someone I found quite attractive. It caught me off guard a bit. I think this person is married anyway so it's a non issue because they are not available.

I also had someone do some DIY this week and found him quite attractive. He is in a similar situation to me, not that it matters.

My issue is that I suddenly don't trust. Even the second guy who has spend some time explain his divorce to my parents who he was also doing some work for.

How can I ever trust what people say? How will I trust that the person I meet is telling the truth? How do I trust my own judgement? It's irrelevant to the two people above because those situations won't develop but I would like to meet someone one day.

Be gentle with yourself as you've been through a lot. The fact you're asking these questions is really good as unfortunately abusers often pick people that have been victims before my ex was mentally abusive which turned physically abusive in the end and it was one of the worst times in my life. My dad was mentally and physically abusive to me as a child/teenager so it made me an easier victim for him I think as it was more normalised when the behaviours started creeping in.

Dating people is going to be super frustrating and fruitless, especially if you go on the apps. At the end of the day all you can try to do is build a life where you are happy being alone, and therefore any man who you meet would have to really add value to be worth your time. This will lead you to being pickier and hopefully weed out anyone with bad intent, although I know this is hard in practise in a society where single women are seen as "less than" and just waiting for a man to come along.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Be gentle with yourself as you've been through a lot. The fact you're asking these questions is really good as unfortunately abusers often pick people that have been victims before my ex was mentally abusive which turned physically abusive in the end and it was one of the worst times in my life. My dad was mentally and physically abusive to me as a child/teenager so it made me an easier victim for him I think as it was more normalised when the behaviours started creeping in.

Dating people is going to be super frustrating and fruitless, especially if you go on the apps. At the end of the day all you can try to do is build a life where you are happy being alone, and therefore any man who you meet would have to really add value to be worth your time. This will lead you to being pickier and hopefully weed out anyone with bad intent, although I know this is hard in practise in a society where single women are seen as "less than" and just waiting for a man to come along.

Thank you, that's really good advice. I'm sorry you've been through so much.

What I didn't say in my post was that I have already made the decision to remain single whilst my children are all under 18 anyway. In part this is for reasons you've mentioned about being potentially vulnerable to people who may treat me badly but mainly because it I don't think me having a relationship would be the right thing for my children. (This is just due to my own personal circumstances and isn't in any way meant as a criticism of people who have children and are dating, just to make that really clear).

I think that's partly why finding someone attractive has thrown me. Ridiculously I didn't expect that to happen because dating is not on my radar. Apparently choosing the single life doesn't make you blind, who knew .

It might seem simple in that I'm not going to date so it's not actually an issue but it's highlighted to me the types of problems I may face and also the extent of my trust issues amongst other things I need to work on. It would be easy to just ignore it and not worry about it until I really need to but I feel like processing these thoughts and feelings is part of the healing process.

Fortunately the older I've got, the happier I am in my own company. I'd like to think that over the next few years I'll be able to build my confidence and self esteem up again so that when I am ready to meet someone not only will they complement my life but I will do the same for them, in a way that I know wouldn't be the case were I to date now.

As you can tell by this very waffly post, I'm a chronic overthinker!

 

[littlepup]

So, I'm not sure I need advice as such but it isn't a rant either...
I've been separated over a year and am in the process of divorcing. There was abusive behaviour, some physical but mostly mental.

Recently I met someone I found quite attractive. It caught me off guard a bit. I think this person is married anyway so it's a non issue because they are not available.

I also had someone do some DIY this week and found him quite attractive. He is in a similar situation to me, not that it matters.

My issue is that I suddenly don't trust. Even the second guy who has spend some time explain his divorce to my parents who he was also doing some work for.

How can I ever trust what people say? How will I trust that the person I meet is telling the truth? How do I trust my own judgement? It's irrelevant to the two people above because those situations won't develop but I would like to meet someone one day.

Something that helped me with trust issues is to understand that you can never trust anyone 100% all of the time because you cannot control others or exterior situations. You’ll go out of your mind if you try BUT what you control your response. Rather than learning to trust, it’s learning to accept perhaps you can’t but finding what you will and won’t accept, how you respond to that and the betrayal should it occur. Trust yourself to leave situations that you’re not comfortable with, have strength to do that, have ground rules and implement them, not self sabotage through second guessing and paranoia, know you can’t change someone else only they are responsible for their behaviour, knowing what level of trust you’re happy with for different situations and so on. Judgment correct or not, if you’re happy at the time with your action as a result of their perceived behaviour then it doesn’t matter, the important part is how you deal with it, and move forward, not that you made the mistake, that’s been and gone.
Also being comfortable in yourself that you’re not reliant on someone so that if you do have to remove them from your life because they’ve dropped below your comfortable level, you’ll be ok.

I hope that makes sense, I’m not being very articulate. I used to think “don’t trust anyone then you won’t be disappointed” but that’s a really sad way to live. I’m still somewhat guarded but try to find a comfortable level, understand it’s not all or nothing & trust myself to process and deal with the disappointment should it occur rather than be bitter, resentful & withdraw. It’s served me better than the former.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Something that helped me with trust issues is to understand that you can never trust anyone 100% all of the time because you cannot control others or exterior situations. You’ll go out of your mind if you try BUT what you control your response. Rather than learning to trust, it’s learning to accept perhaps you can’t but finding what you will and won’t accept, how you respond to that and the betrayal should it occur. Trust yourself to leave situations that you’re not comfortable with, have strength to do that, have ground rules and implement them, not self sabotage through second guessing and paranoia, know you can’t change someone else only they are responsible for their behaviour, knowing what level of trust you’re happy with for different situations and so on. Judgment correct or not, if you’re happy at the time with your action as a result of their perceived behaviour then it doesn’t matter, the important part is how you deal with it, and move forward, not that you made the mistake, that’s been and gone.
Also being comfortable in yourself that you’re not reliant on someone so that if you do have to remove them from your life because they’ve dropped below your comfortable level, you’ll be ok.

I hope that makes sense, I’m not being very articulate. I used to think “don’t trust anyone then you won’t be disappointed” but that’s a really sad way to live. I’m still somewhat guarded but try to find a comfortable level, understand it’s not all or nothing & trust myself to process and deal with the disappointment should it occur rather than be bitter, resentful & withdraw. It’s served me better than the former.

That's all really helpful, thank you! It's a really healthy approach to take.

 

[StatusWoe]

Try not to come up with reasons for anything, (like long covid etc) let the doctor diagnose.
Weight loss is a red flag symptom as is new onset pain or weakness. which they will definitely investigate more. If pain worsens in the evening that’s also significant.
Make a list of all symptoms and speak to the doctor again omitting anything that you think could explain it. You want them to work for you rather than accept a self diagnosis and get you out of the door. You have to really push.
Blood tests are only relevant for the current time so the previous blood test is a marker but not relevant to how you’re feeling now.

I’m not saying this to worry you, it sounds a lot like long covid but just let the doctors decide so you know for sure otherwise the anxiety of ‘is it though’ will make you more poorly.

Thanks for the advice. You've persuaded me to go back to the GP. I tend to feel guilty for taking up their time, but the physical stuff has been really bad today, so I'll phone after the weekend.

That's all really helpful, thank you! It's a really healthy approach to take.

I don't have much to add, but I read your post and sympathise. What you're feeling sounds normal and actually a healthy response given the circumstances. The previous few posters gave some brilliant advice. I've found it helps to set personal boundaries and be really firm about them, even if you have that second-guessing 'am I being unreasonable?' voice in your head. How a person responds to those boundaries can be a clue to their future behaviour. In other words, do they show respect or do they minimise and make excuses? This is as true for friends as it is for romantic relationships. I know this advice isn't directly about trust, sorry!

 

[littlepup]

Thanks for the advice. You've persuaded me to go back to the GP. I tend to feel guilty for taking up their time, but the physical stuff has been really bad today, so I'll phone after the weekend.

(assuming you’re NHS) If you were paying privately would you feel bad? Probably not. And you do pay, so go for it, it’s your right, remember that. You are no less important than anyone else, your health is the most important thing you have, protect it, literally with your life Good luck with getting some answers

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Unlike my last post, this probably is an advice thing.

I now have Sunday night fear of work on a Saturday. I can't do this anymore. I used to (and still do) love my job but the responsibility of it, in the state I'm in mentally has become too much.

My employer (my immediate boss) is incredibly supportive and has already been wonderful (adhjusted hours etc) so I don't feel I can say I'm not coping.

Without saying what I do, there are deadlines that have very little wiggle room.

I'm also studying along side the job (but as part of the job) and I am contracted to go on residentials. I don't know if I could be on sick leave and still go on them.

I just want to hide under a duvet and make it all stop.

 

[Slaybutter]

Sorry you’re going through such a rough time

 

[CoffeeMamma]

Unlike my last post, this probably is an advice thing.

I now have Sunday night fear of work on a Saturday. I can't do this anymore. I used to (and still do) love my job but the responsibility of it, in the state I'm in mentally has become too much.

My employer (my immediate boss) is incredibly supportive and has already been wonderful (adhjusted hours etc) so I don't feel I can say I'm not coping.

Without saying what I do, there are deadlines that have very little wiggle room.

I'm also studying along side the job (but as part of the job) and I am contracted to go on residentials. I don't know if I could be on sick leave and still go on them.

I just want to hide under a duvet and make it all stop.

Sounds like burnout. Is there any way you can take a break from something to relieve pressure? So a break from work but continue studying or a break from study and continue working until something is “ticked off” so to speak?

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Sounds like burnout. Is there any way you can take a break from something to relieve pressure? So a break from work but continue studying or a break from study and continue working until something is “ticked off” so to speak?

I don't think there is at the moment unfortunately. The study is part of my contract so has to be completed and if I take leave from work the thing I'm working on at the moment will be even more overdue so the pressure will be even worse. I also don't want to let anyone down.

I know that if someone came to me with the same issue, I'd be telling them that something had to give and they should take some leave. It's just quite difficult to take my own advice.

I feel really frustrated with myself. Work was going really well, I felt confident etc but everything going on in my personal life has really impacted my ability to deal with things. Some days I feel completely paralysed with anxiety and even simple tasks feel overwhelming. It's a bit like having brain fog, I just don't seem able to engage my brain properly. I thought having some counselling might be enough to get me through but I'm not sure it will be, although I am finding it helpful.

I'm trying to take one day at a time, sometimes even less than that, more hour by hour, rather than thinking too far ahead.
Feeling like this is horrible though.

 

[Blue1989]

Thinking of you @Carapop, and your Mum x

This is so stupid but has anyone got any advice for a decent washing up liquid? I am happy for natural alternatives as well.
I’ve used Asda own brand and fairy but both have been absolute shite, my £3 bottle doesn’t last long at all as they don’t seem to bubble until I’ve put a lot in. I’ve tried different scrubbing utensils too but it’s not that

I Know this was posted ages ago but Aldi washing up liquid in the silver bottle. It's amazing. I find fairy awful, most own brands useless...but the Aldi one in the silver bottle bubbles really well.

 

[Snippysnips]

Anyone ever done a garage sale (UK) is it allowed?

I've a ton of stuff, an tbh I can't be bothered putting it all on selling sites one by one, was thinking about just advertising a garage sale at my own place an whatever doesn't go can just go to a charity shop, but an not sure if it's legally allowed or not