I am terrified of being alone. I can't understand why she would do this to me. And she just doesn't care!
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Being alone is better than being with someone who will hurt you
You’ll be ok! It’s just scary to start with. You won’t be alone forever you’ll meet someone else down the line
She is coming to talk this afternoon. I miss and love her so much.
Does anybody think things can get better or am I wasting my time even trying ? I am so confused
I think you owe it to yourself to talk. You may wonder what if , if you don’t!
i think this is a question only you can answer sadly, as we can only go by the info you’ve given to us.
but from my pov - she has cheated on you when you were in a vulnerable state with fertility treatment and then spun that back on you with “if we didn’t have sex soon she would have slept with somebody else” and trying to make it your issue that you were so upset about “just” a kiss. that is cruel behaviour. likewise her hope that you would have “make up sex” like that would be okay.
only you can say whether you stay or leave but don’t let her behaviour go unquestioned and get clear answers. if you think you can move on from this then great but you need clear reassurance and do not let her spin it back on you again.
It can get better but you need to get to the root of the issue first which will require you both to be open and honest.
You mentioned you were going through fertility treatment and that it's you who has physically been going through it as well as emotionally. I imagine this has been quite stressful for you both. Sometimes when people are finding things difficult they behave in ways they wouldn't normally.
You also mentioned you have been unhappy in general for a while. If this is the case, you need to think carefully about whether you think things can improve or whether it is beyond repair.
A kiss doesn't have to mean the end of the relationship but she has hurt you badly and from what you've said, she doesn't seem to be properly acknowledging that. Have you felt she has been inconsiderate during the relationship in general or is it a new thing? Also, the threat that she'd go and sleep with someone else could be seen as emotionally manipulative, although again, she could just be in distress and lashing out. It doesn't change the hurt the behaviour is causing though.
Only you know what she's usually like and if this is out of character. I think you're doing the right thing having a talk but it doesn't all have to be decided in one day. It's ok to ask for space and time. The other possibility, more longer term, is relationship counselling. It could be beneficial.
I hope today goes as well as possible.
Thank you all for responding to me. Your all so lovely.
I feel like I have absolutely realised how much I love her and want this to work. Our marriage has been messy the last few years and I don't think I've treated her right, and like wise she has tit on me big time. I am starting to think if our marriage. Was good she wouldn't have done what she did.
She.works with this women and has said she doesn't know if she would quit her job and I couldn't bare her continuing to work with her.
She has gone out now to clear her head.as I have proper put everything out on the line and obviously messed with her head. I've been nasty to her out of anger the last few days. And she is confused really badly.
Do I need to just leave ? I am so confused and hurting so badly
I feel like I have absolutely realised how much I love her and want this to work. Our marriage has been messy the last few years and I don't think I've treated her right, and like wise she has tit on me big time. I am starting to think if our marriage. Was good she wouldn't have done what she did.
She.works with this women and has said she doesn't know if she would quit her job and I couldn't bare her continuing to work with her.
She has gone out now to clear her head.as I have proper put everything out on the line and obviously messed with her head. I've been nasty to her out of anger the last few days. And she is confused really badly.
Do I need to just leave ? I am so confused and hurting so badly
Do you want to leave.Thank you all for responding to me. Your all so lovely.
I feel like I have absolutely realised how much I love her and want this to work. Our marriage has been messy the last few years and I don't think I've treated her right, and like wise she has tit on me big time. I am starting to think if our marriage. Was good she wouldn't have done what she did.
She.works with this women and has said she doesn't know if she would quit her job and I couldn't bare her continuing to work with her.
She has gone out now to clear her head.as I have proper put everything out on the line and obviously messed with her head. I've been nasty to her out of anger the last few days. And she is confused really badly.
Do I need to just leave ? I am so confused and hurting so badly
please don’t blame your marriage being messy as an excuse to cheat. It isn’t. If she was unhappy it isn’t right to cheat!! She could have said how she was feeling
Cheating is never the answer.
how have you been nasty ? The things you have said?
i’m really concerned with how much you’re blaming yourself here. it doesn’t matter how “messy” your marriage is (no relationship is perfect!), it’s still no excuse for her to cheat with a colleague. that was her choice.Thank you all for responding to me. Your all so lovely.
I feel like I have absolutely realised how much I love her and want this to work. Our marriage has been messy the last few years and I don't think I've treated her right, and like wise she has tit on me big time. I am starting to think if our marriage. Was good she wouldn't have done what she did.
She.works with this women and has said she doesn't know if she would quit her job and I couldn't bare her continuing to work with her.
She has gone out now to clear her head.as I have proper put everything out on the line and obviously messed with her head. I've been nasty to her out of anger the last few days. And she is confused really badly.
Do I need to just leave ? I am so confused and hurting so badly
what is she confused about? and how have you “messed with her head” or been nasty? in all honesty, she can’t expect to cheat and to have you not lash out about that.
like we said earlier, we can’t tell you to leave or not. only you can do that. but it sounds like you’re blaming yourself for this and some of the things you’re writing sound like things she’s said to you - you need to focus on your feelings and what you want. do YOU want to leave?
I know it's not my fault, but I've never really told her how much I love her, I'm really bad at showing emotion and I don't think I even realised how much I loved her till now.
I just need to be a big girl and get through this, absolutely dreading the process.
I feel so lost its unbearable...
She is also explaining that this women has fallen for her and that she would need to let this women down because when I was being nasty ( via text, because I was so hurt and drunk trying to cope) she had told this women they could give things a go. Because she thought there was absolutely no way we could work through this. I think I made it easier for her because I was nasty.
She now is confused because I've told her how much I love her and she can't understand why now and why I hadn't said all of this before.
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Yeah the things I have said, calling her dirty etc but what does she expect. I feel absolutely devastated, shocked, upset, angry. Everything.
She knows she has done wrong but I do think there was an element of planning to it which just makes me sick. Although she won't admit that, she says it just happened drunk but that doesn't happen if there aren't feelings. She went out that day just her and this women, and they kissed. That day felt different, like i just knew
Oh lord. I’m sorry you are hurting. But that is not an excuse for your wife to give it a go with someone else THE DAY you had an argument. If she cares about you she has a funny way of showing it
1 you are having a difficult time re fertility
2 your marriage is a mess ( not your fault there are two people in a marriage!!)
Please do not feel guilty. I’m sure she knows you love her. She is using that against you I’m afraid.
I thought she was. And blaming me for it happening.
Trust your instincts. You said something felt different when she went with that woman. Go with them
What a mess. I really feel for you. I am seeing a red flag or two though...
Her jumping into potentially giving it a go with this person suggests there are actual feelings involved, not just a kiss.
With regard to you realising how much you love her etc. Sometimes, in situations where a big change is going to happen, fear of a degree of grief and change can feel similar to the type of realisation you describe.
Like we've all said, we can't tell you what decision to make. You just have to trust your gut and go with what feels right. It does all sound pretty difficult right now but people do come out the other side so there's no reason you two can't as well, if that's what you both want.
She doesn't want it, she said it's too little too late. I am beyond hurt and upset. I'm in my 30's and feel like I'll never meet anyone now. This is such a mess, I don't even know where to start...
I agree about the red flags, what she has done has broken me, and it's like she wants nothing to do with me. Like I am to blame
That's exactly how I feel, like I am greiving for her, my whole life has fallen apart over night.
sue, you need to give yourself some time here. this has all happened over the course of two or three days, it’s okay to grieve and to be sad about it all. i noticed you’ve already posted that you’re looking into adoption now on another thread, genuinely: slow down and catch your breath.
when you say “she doesn’t want it” do you mean you and your relationship? you are NOT to blame here as the choice she made was her own, but as others have said i think it was more than a kiss with this woman.
in your 30s is young, there’s time, but please allow yourself a moment to reflect on what’s happened.
I know, your right, I am just in a state of shear panic. I am scrambling to make myself feel better and so scared of not being a Mam.
She just keeps saying " maybe it's too little too late ". I have sat up in bed all night as as you can probably see scrambled for answers and where to go next. I've emailed a counsellor because I am worried for my own MH that I need things in place quickly. I don't have a lot of friends because I stupidly spent all my time with my wife so this place is literally helping so much.
I also think there was more to it, she was constantly on her phone messaging this women. She went to the women's house last night and told her I wanted things to work yet still came home and told me it's probably too little too late. It's all so confusing and I feel like I thought so much during the night that I have sprung up, had a shower, making sure I go to work and realised I deserve more than this.
You do deserve more than this.
she was constantly messaging this woman, had told her they could give things a go after your argument and went to her house last night?! i’m sorry sue but i definitely think something more is/was going on there. the kiss may have been the first one but it sounds like there was a connection
you absolutely deserve better than this and good on you for getting up and going to work (and for arranging a counsellor)
it’s normal to panic and it’s normal to catastrophise, especially as you were about to start an emotional ivf journey but you need to take time for you now and do what is right for you.
this right there is a massive red flag for me!!!
she went straight to thiswoman’s house! That is unforgivable in my eyes
She’s told someone else she can give it a go baring in mind you’ve been split up a day
I Really hope you are ok. This page is always open for you and I hope we can be there to make you feel better. Please don’t feel alone. Breakups are so hard. When I was 21 I split up with my boyfriend and ( I ended it ) but I was so scared of being alone!! But I was better off without him in the end and I had two really great single years. I bought a horse made new friends had a really good time and then found my now boyfriend who I have been with for 5 and a half years. You’ll be fine. It just doesn’t feel like it right now
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