Support for anyone that needs to vent #3

[newaccount2022]

Hi guys, would really appreciate an outsiders opinion on this. If I'm about to embarrass myself please let me know...

I have been single all my life and am really sensitive about it. I am late 20s and a hopeless romantic, I want a partner and love. I'm normal looking, look after myself, go to therapy, have hobbies, blah blah blah. Just never happens. I've done it all from therapy, fortune tellers, blind dates, dating apps, approaching men, meeting at hobbies. No issue getting dates or one night stands if I wanted them, it just never goes anywhere. I have non-existent self worth and it's obviously not attractive.

I have a small friend group of 5 girls and me. 4 out of 5 have long term boyfriends that they live with. The friendship dynamics have changed over the years as their priorities have obviously changed. I try my best to be happy for them and I am... but bitterness, jealousy and sadness do linger inside of me as well. Aside from my friendship group, I have 2 housemates who are both in long term relationships, one sibling who is in a long term relationship, and two closer friends I met through work who are both married.

My birthday is this weekend and I didn't want to celebrate. I have been feeling especially down and withdrawn lately and I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. The girls insisted and so I asked for a lowkey girls night, just the 6 of us. I just cannot face another night out of me sitting among couples kissing and pawing at each other as the hours go on.

My fifth friend met a man two weeks ago on a night out while he was in our city on a stag night. He stayed an extra few nights to spend time with her, she then flew over to him, she came home for a day, left again and is still there with him. We all had great excitement getting all her updates and pictures.

Well this morning she texts and says he has booked a flight over to here for the weekend and he cannot wait to meet all of us. She 'told him it was a girls night' but 'he insisted'. So she said 'lets just bring all the boys and make it a big proper night out'. Everyone jumped to agree to this and said it will be way more fun. They are much more enthusiastic about the weekend now that all their boyfriends are coming.

I love all of their boyfriends to bits, they are all amazing but right now I have made up my mind that I'm not going and I'm just going to fake sick. I cannot stomach the thoughts of sitting there like a zoo animal on show while they all tell me my time will come and 'some day, don't worry!' I love my friend who has met this new man but she fobs off so many men in favour of being single and didn't even want a relationship and this just fell into her lap and I am burning with jealousy. She 100% deserves a great relationship and I want her to be happy, I am just lonely and empty and hating myself.

There's no sense in ruining everyones mood by saying I just want a girls night. We don't do gifts or cake etc. for birthdays so if I am not there it won't make any difference to the night so I'm thinking I'll just pull out the day of. I know if I go it will go exactly like this: me sitting at the table answering everyones questions, me being expected to bring the horrifying/funny dating stories, them looking around the pub for a man for me, them grabbing their shared taxis home and then me going home alone to cry in my bed!!!

Am I being too much of a witch/drama queen here? Just feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm embarrassed and frustrated that none of the girls were a bit more tactical and didn't cop on to the fact I don't want to sit alone with 5 couples.

 

[lurkingaround123]

Hi guys, would really appreciate an outsiders opinion on this. If I'm about to embarrass myself please let me know...

I have been single all my life and am really sensitive about it. I am late 20s and a hopeless romantic, I want a partner and love. I'm normal looking, look after myself, go to therapy, have hobbies, blah blah blah. Just never happens. I've done it all from therapy, fortune tellers, blind dates, dating apps, approaching men, meeting at hobbies. No issue getting dates or one night stands if I wanted them, it just never goes anywhere. I have non-existent self worth and it's obviously not attractive.

I have a small friend group of 5 girls and me. 4 out of 5 have long term boyfriends that they live with. The friendship dynamics have changed over the years as their priorities have obviously changed. I try my best to be happy for them and I am... but bitterness, jealousy and sadness do linger inside of me as well. Aside from my friendship group, I have 2 housemates who are both in long term relationships, one sibling who is in a long term relationship, and two closer friends I met through work who are both married.

My birthday is this weekend and I didn't want to celebrate. I have been feeling especially down and withdrawn lately and I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. The girls insisted and so I asked for a lowkey girls night, just the 6 of us. I just cannot face another night out of me sitting among couples kissing and pawing at each other as the hours go on.

My fifth friend met a man two weeks ago on a night out while he was in our city on a stag night. He stayed an extra few nights to spend time with her, she then flew over to him, she came home for a day, left again and is still there with him. We all had great excitement getting all her updates and pictures.

Well this morning she texts and says he has booked a flight over to here for the weekend and he cannot wait to meet all of us. She 'told him it was a girls night' but 'he insisted'. So she said 'lets just bring all the boys and make it a big proper night out'. Everyone jumped to agree to this and said it will be way more fun. They are much more enthusiastic about the weekend now that all their boyfriends are coming.

I love all of their boyfriends to bits, they are all amazing but right now I have made up my mind that I'm not going and I'm just going to fake sick. I cannot stomach the thoughts of sitting there like a zoo animal on show while they all tell me my time will come and 'some day, don't worry!' I love my friend who has met this new man but she fobs off so many men in favour of being single and didn't even want a relationship and this just fell into her lap and I am burning with jealousy. She 100% deserves a great relationship and I want her to be happy, I am just lonely and empty and hating myself.

There's no sense in ruining everyones mood by saying I just want a girls night. We don't do gifts or cake etc. for birthdays so if I am not there it won't make any difference to the night so I'm thinking I'll just pull out the day of. I know if I go it will go exactly like this: me sitting at the table answering everyones questions, me being expected to bring the horrifying/funny dating stories, them looking around the pub for a man for me, them grabbing their shared taxis home and then me going home alone to cry in my bed!!!

Am I being too much of a witch/drama queen here? Just feel like I'm at the end of my rope and I'm embarrassed and frustrated that none of the girls were a bit more tactical and didn't cop on to the fact I don't want to sit alone with 5 couples.

I am so sorry they have done that to you. I think you're completely within your rights to be really annoyed about that. Its one thing if you had all arranged a night out under normal circumstances but I think with it being your birthday weekend it should be about what you want to do! It is more of a kick in the teeth that they asked you, got your answer and changed it anyway.

I can completely imagine how rubbish that feels. Maybe see how you feel on the day, and if you're really against it still you could get a nice takeaway and chill in, or I don't know your situation but see if you can book a last min flight and spend your birthday on a city break? I did that last year when I was single and couldn't be arsed and had an absolute ball

 

[LaBlonde]

@newaccount2022 - as a fellow long-term single person i fully get where you’re coming from, in all parts of your post. it’s tough, especially when other people seem to find it so easy!

i would say that your friends probably haven’t even considered that it might be tough for you (not out of meanness) - if they’ve all been in relationships for a while it may be hard for them to remember what that feeling was like, to be the only single person surrounded by couples, and all the questions and helpful “advice” that comes with that.

i would bow out of this night as you’ve planned, especially as your friend’s new guy is travelling in; it’s your birthday and you shouldn’t have to feel awkward or sad. i would then message to say you would prefer just a girl’s night and maybe have a delayed celebration, but i would make it clear to them on how you’re feeling. it’s tough being the single friend and they likely have naturally just not realised

@lurkingaround123’s city break idea is a great one! go and treat yourself x

 

[newaccount2022]

Thanks guys!!! I've calmed down now a little, glad I have somewhere to let this all out..

@lurkingaround123 I think you're right and I need to wait and see on the day, I shouldn't write it off completely yet. Too busy unfortunately to go away right now but I think I'll definitely start considering that for Valentines and birthdays from now on... I just feel deflated but it's more with my life in general than this specific situation so I'm trying not to snap with them.

@LaBlonde I agree they haven't done it out of meanness, they definitely don't realise and I don't blame them as we have plenty of nights out usually and I get on well with all of the boys. It's hard because I don't really want to share that I feel this way, I don't want the pity spiel or the 'god sometimes I wish i was single!!!'. They will also definitely pull the 'you could meet your dream man if you come out!' and then spend the night trying to set me up which I hate, makes me feel so embarrassed. They don't mind embarrassing themselves around men because it doesn't mean anything to them but it's obviously different for me.

I'm slightly leaning towards just not going still but I will cool off over the next few days and re-assess at the end of the week I think!

 

[it’s not been changed?!]

@newaccount2022 sending hugs. Why do they need to bring their boyfriends on your birthday night out?

 

[newaccount2022]

@newaccount2022 sending hugs. Why do they need to bring their boyfriends on your birthday night out?

Thanks so much! Hope you had a good day. I don’t know what to think, I’m certain they don’t mean any harm by it and the four have all been with their bf’s 3-7 years and we all just go out together so often, it’s the norm for us really. I just feel embarrassed more than anything that I have no one to bring.

 

[LaBlonde]

Thanks guys!!! I've calmed down now a little, glad I have somewhere to let this all out..

@LaBlonde I agree they haven't done it out of meanness, they definitely don't realise and I don't blame them as we have plenty of nights out usually and I get on well with all of the boys. It's hard because I don't really want to share that I feel this way, I don't want the pity spiel or the 'god sometimes I wish i was single!!!'. They will also definitely pull the 'you could meet your dream man if you come out!' and then spend the night trying to set me up which I hate, makes me feel so embarrassed. They don't mind embarrassing themselves around men because it doesn't mean anything to them but it's obviously different for me.

I'm slightly leaning towards just not going still but I will cool off over the next few days and re-assess at the end of the week I think!

it really is tough i think reassessing is a good idea! but ultimately do what feels right for you

in terms of telling your friends how you feel, i really wouldn’t worry. i’ve shared similar feelings with my coupled-up friends. if i’m in the mood it’s fine but a lot of the time i just want spend time with them, not them and their partners (as much as i like them all!) and they also need to understand that it’s not always fun for you to be the odd one out. in my experience they’ve always taken it well and made changes, so i would think about whether or not you tell them. they’re your friends and will only want for you to be happy and comfortable x

 

[didn't want to join]

@newaccount2022

I read your post earlier and in thinking about it, I guess your friends feel you are comfy either with them as girl group or as a larger friendship group that includes their partners, which is nice that you all get along.

Where it went a tad wonky, is that it's your birthday and it should be based around you and what you'd enjoy. It did feel a dinky bit high-jacked by adding the new fella and then every other fella

I sometimes put myself in the other person's place and if you had a new fella and an event came up, do you think you would want to bring your fella along to meet your friends, in a kind of best of both worlds way, (your friend's birthday, so the focus isn't entirely on you two, but that you can introduce him in a larger group, then he can meet everyone in one go)?

Equally it is your special day and you should be happy, enjoying it and have something you can look back on in a few years time with a smile.

It probably boils down to whether you feel you can enjoy a larger group of friends, maybe go for wearing your best outfit, pinch each of their boyfriends for a dance ( birthday girl privilege's and all that) kind of style it out and enjoy all the fun. Or if it's going to be a real pain and not for you, then just let them know you are stepping back and decide what you'd like to do, for you.

Maybe a little pamper treat, if you can afford an overnight spa type thing locally, go for that, or if money's a little smaller, then have something nice like your hair done or nails, grab your fav takeaway and watch your fav film?

Whatever you decide to do, I really hope you have a wonderful day x

 

[Kim Mild]

Thanks so much! Hope you had a good day. I don’t know what to think, I’m certain they don’t mean any harm by it and the four have all been with their bf’s 3-7 years and we all just go out together so often, it’s the norm for us really. I just feel embarrassed more than anything that I have no one to bring.

It depends if they would expect to be the centre of attention on their birthdays and aren't treating you with the same courtesy.

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

Can you ask one of the girls to have one of their bfs bring a friend, so the numbers are even. In a kind of double date scenario, do your friends know you feel this way about having a relationship? Maybe this will be the night you meet someone and can take it from there. I met my partner through friends.

 

[Allthehashtags]

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m currently off sick from work due to depression & anxiety. I’ve on medication & now on the waiting list for more intensive CBT.
My partner works away from home, he leaves on Sunday night or early hours Monday to travel down to work & gets home on Friday night.
He has a football season ticket & goes every Saturday.
This morning I asked if he would like to go for a walk together while the weather is nice, he said he’s going the gym.
He’s off work on good Friday (he’s going to football) & also off bank holiday Monday (again he’s going to football)
I feel low on his list of priorities
I feel lost & lonely

 

[didn't want to join]

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m currently off sick from work due to depression & anxiety. I’ve on medication & now on the waiting list for more intensive CBT.
My partner works away from home, he leaves on Sunday night or early hours Monday to travel down to work & gets home on Friday night.
He has a football season ticket & goes every Saturday.
This morning I asked if he would like to go for a walk together while the weather is nice, he said he’s going the gym.
He’s off work on good Friday (he’s going to football) & also off bank holiday Monday (again he’s going to football)
I feel low on his list of priorities
I feel lost & lonely

One of the words you wrote stood out to me, it wasn't lonely, it wasn't depression, it was partner. If we pause and think about this word, it kind of makes you think of a double act, or a couple, or a bikini ......

So when you ask, am I unreasonable to want to be part of something, no you aren't.

If you consider a bikini, you could wear the top with a pair of shorts, you could wear the bottoms as underwear if the rest was in the wash, it doesn't have to be a 2 part thing, that can only function or be of use when worn together. Just as two people in a relationship can be themselves as well as part of that couple. So you can have your own time, own thing, still being a couple.

The problem being, you aren't a bikini, you are a real person, with feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams. For things to work, you have to have some ground rules, some deal breakers and have an understanding of the other person.

If your partner likes distance, doing their own thing and it becomes them 90% of the time, but you are someone who likes to share, talk, hug, walk holding hands, share a giggle at a film.... then you two may not be entirely compatible. This is when it comes down to compromise.

Right now, you are dealing with a lot, it's fair that you would want some support, care, time from someone close to you. Even though your partner works away, they want some "me" time when they are back, but where is your time as a couple?

If you feel able and I know right now, you may feel very low, would you be able to raise this with your Partner? Check in with them, see how you both feel about things, they may not be even aware that you need them more right now.

 

[Melian]

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m currently off sick from work due to depression & anxiety. I’ve on medication & now on the waiting list for more intensive CBT.
My partner works away from home, he leaves on Sunday night or early hours Monday to travel down to work & gets home on Friday night.
He has a football season ticket & goes every Saturday.
This morning I asked if he would like to go for a walk together while the weather is nice, he said he’s going the gym.
He’s off work on good Friday (he’s going to football) & also off bank holiday Monday (again he’s going to football)
I feel low on his list of priorities
I feel lost & lonely

Why can't the gym wait?

 

[BettyCrockerr]

Am I being unreasonable?

I’m currently off sick from work due to depression & anxiety. I’ve on medication & now on the waiting list for more intensive CBT.
My partner works away from home, he leaves on Sunday night or early hours Monday to travel down to work & gets home on Friday night.
He has a football season ticket & goes every Saturday.
This morning I asked if he would like to go for a walk together while the weather is nice, he said he’s going the gym.
He’s off work on good Friday (he’s going to football) & also off bank holiday Monday (again he’s going to football)
I feel low on his list of priorities
I feel lost & lonely

So he’s away Monday - Friday. Then he’s out all day on Saturday at the football. And then he’s at the gym? How long has this been going on for? Is it a short time arrangement with an end date in sight or is this how his work is all the time for the foreseeable?

 

[TheGlossy]

I am so annoyed and hurt today.

As I explained on numerous previous posts, I was slammed at work with various "ad hoc" projects I was forced to take on on top of my workload unlike the rest of my team. Never have I ever received a "thank you" or a word of appreciation from management.

Today, some co-worker of was asked to set up a training for a product that's already been released and the manager sent an email to him cc'ing two MDs saying: "Thanks for your leadership on this, it's highly appreciated".

I worked my behind off all of 2021 with crazy hours to absorb all these projects, have been working through my grief bending over and backwards to them and I never got as much as a "thanks" for anything.

I know it's bad I should be happy for this person, but the amount of work I've put in on projects I had to handle on my own and seeing other people being appreciated really hurts. I don't cry easily but this threw me over the edge.

 

[newaccount2022]

I am so annoyed and hurt today.

As I explained on numerous previous posts, I was slammed at work with various "ad hoc" projects I was forced to take on on top of my workload unlike the rest of my team. Never have I ever received a "thank you" or a word of appreciation from management.

Today, some co-worker of was asked to set up a training for a product that's already been released and the manager sent an email to him cc'ing two MDs saying: "Thanks for your leadership on this, it's highly appreciated".

I worked my behind off all of 2021 with crazy hours to absorb all these projects, have been working through my grief bending over and backwards to them and I never got as much as a "thanks" for anything.

I know it's bad I should be happy for this person, but the amount of work I've put in on projects I had to handle on my own and seeing other people being appreciated really hurts. I don't cry easily but this threw me over the edge.

I feel for you!! How frustrating... It's ridiculous that we all have the same amount of hours in the work day yet some of us are expected to shoulder a lot more work for no thanks, and others are praised and lauded for every tiny thing they do.

 

[TheGlossy]

I feel for you!! How frustrating... It's ridiculous that we all have the same amount of hours in the work day yet some of us are expected to shoulder a lot more work for no thanks, and others are praised and lauded for every tiny thing they do.

That's it. There is a double standard here. Those who deliver above expectations get more work as a reward and those who stick to the bare minimum get applauded every single time they do something extra. I'm the only female in my team on top of this and seeing this type of favouritism is really hurtful, especially as this job has caused my mental and physical health to significantly decline.

I'm looking for a new job with a possible move overseas, so I should not care but this hurts nonetheless because it's crystal clear no matter what I do, I'll never stand a chance in this company.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I am so annoyed and hurt today.

As I explained on numerous previous posts, I was slammed at work with various "ad hoc" projects I was forced to take on on top of my workload unlike the rest of my team. Never have I ever received a "thank you" or a word of appreciation from management.

Today, some co-worker of was asked to set up a training for a product that's already been released and the manager sent an email to him cc'ing two MDs saying: "Thanks for your leadership on this, it's highly appreciated".

I worked my behind off all of 2021 with crazy hours to absorb all these projects, have been working through my grief bending over and backwards to them and I never got as much as a "thanks" for anything.

I know it's bad I should be happy for this person, but the amount of work I've put in on projects I had to handle on my own and seeing other people being appreciated really hurts. I don't cry easily but this threw me over the edge.

duck them. duck them all. Get out and never look back

 

[TheGlossy]

duck them. duck them all. Get out and never look back

I honestly don't know what's preventing me from resigning on the spot at this stage. This is the last nail in the coffin. I've clearly seen far more than what I needed to see.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

I honestly don't know what's preventing me from resigning on the spot at this stage. This is the last nail in the coffin. I've clearly seen far more than what I needed to see.

Just tell them to go duck themselves!!! There is nothing more satisfying than walking out of a job that’s making you miserable. You just need to do
It. Stop taking their tit. They treat you like dirt. Stop allowing them to do so.