Ninnies, it's time for me to tackle the enticingly-named "Tinestrone."
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Because I'm following the recipe to the letter, I duly tip the chopped onion and garlic into a cold pan and drizzle over the oil. This feels as unnatural to me as wearing socks on my hands and pants on my head, but who am I to question the wisdom of a 7x cookbook author who's cooked for MARY PORTAS, for fuck's sake?
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I didn't mention that I had to add the carrots at the same time as the onion and garlic, but that's what the recipe said, so that's what I did. Jack tells me to stir over a medium heat for around five minutes "to start to soften the veg." The veg that's tinned? And therefore already soft? OK then.
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In go the tomatoes, stock and dried mixed herbs. I'm sure half a teaspoon of herbage will impart the rich depth of flavour Jack's recipes are so renowned for. I crank up the heat until everything's bubbling, then reduce to a simmer. At this stage I'm still unsure how this is going to turn out, but the appearance of the pan contents doesn't inspire much optimism.
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Now comes the most essential step in any slop recipe - The Rinsing. I'm not sure whether to douse the beans or spaghetti first, so in authentic Jack fashion, I choose the path of least effort and decide to rinse them all together.
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What am I doing with my life?
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With every dribble of sauce that disappears down the plughole, I fear I'm straying further from God's light. Still, I persist. Into the pan with the beans 'n' hoops, both of which retain the vestiges of a radioactive orange glow despite having been rinsed as thoroughly as Jack's Twitter followers.
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I'm now instructed to cook for a further ten minutes, "until the beans have softened and it's looking good." As THE BASTARDING BEANS ARE ALREADY SOFT (this is my aneurysm) and I suspect I could wait until the heat death of the universe without managing to achieve the latter, ten minutes it is.
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That'll do.
(I did a minor chaos when trying to take the pic but I think the tide mark adds to the overall effect.)
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The best thing I can say about this is that it isn't completely inedible. In fact, with a bit (a lot) of tweaking, a longer cooking time and some more seasoning/flavourings, you'd probably end up with a decent pan of soup. But in its current incarnation it doesn't taste like I'm eating minestrone; it tastes like I'm eating rinsed beans and hoops in a watery, vaguely tomatoey broth. It tastes of nothing. The onions are still crunchy. The herbs might as well not even be part of the recipe, because you sure as hell can't detect them. I can't help but wonder whether not rinsing the sauce from the beans would have given it more flavour. I suppose we'll never know, because the only way I'm ever making this again is in some kind of post-apocalyptic scenario.
You can buy a tin of minestrone at Jack's favourite supermarket for as little as 55p:
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In contrast, I spent £2.45 on the beans, hoops, toms and carrots (I already had the oil, garlic, stock cube and mixed herbs in). In the interests of FORENSIC costings, I probably should have bought the basics versions of the tinned ingredients, but I suspect the finished dish would have tasted even worse. Why would anyone choose to make this when the combined cost of the ingredients is more than four times as much, it takes more effort, lacks nutrients, and doesn't taste anywhere near as good as the bought versions?
I'm fortunate enough to have enough disposable income that I can afford to spend a little on experimental recipes. People on low incomes and foodbank users (who make up Jack's target audience, according to her) don't have this luxury. I'm honestly angry on their behalf, because they deserve so much better than this.
Here, you're using four tins to make two portions of a single meal. Why? No doubt Jack's defence would be "What if someone got these in their foodbank parcel and had no idea what to do with them?" To that I'd say this: you'd be better off using the tinned tomatoes, onion, garlic and herbs to make a simple pasta sauce, have the spaghetti hoops on toast, the beans on a jacket potato, and the carrots simply boiled and served with something else. OK, those are basic and not very exciting meal ideas, but at least you'd be using four tins for four different meals, not wasting them by combining them into one slop that frankly isn't worth the time, effort or expense.
Verdict: 2 - Terrible