Slopalong: Cooking with Jack Monroe

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Kittypops

Same here! I'll be making a donation too. My local independent foodbank says cash helps them run their van, which I'd never thought about.

And I'm really looking forward to cooking something good today.

Good luck to all slop slingers to come!
 
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ContentCrunch

Breakfast sardines egg and spinach

1 tin of sardines (55p)
1 egg totally free because I bought them last week
Any spinach I had some night-beet salad which contained some spinach leaves. So I painstakingly picked them out

choose a mug with a fat bottom, no mention of greasing it with anything so… be prepared to scrape egg off

the recipe says crack your egg and pierce the yolk with something sharp to avoid explosionoes . This pencil looked pretty sharp

we are then instructed to open the sardines and save the oil… being a greedy goblin she eats the whole tin! But you don’t have to dear hearts look at the pitiful amount of oil really not worth saving is it?

do not cover with foil under any circumstances do you know how many 999 calls she took from people setting fire to themselves with foil in the microwave? No use cling film and fuck biggest dave cover the egg and pierce with something sharp

she says 30 second bursts mine took 90

my five year old came in from upstairs and said mummy I can smell cat food upstairs what’s that horrid smell?

we only like sardines
 
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ForgettyBetty

Yes the tang of old fish skins is due to the bicarb. I know this because I sometimes drink it (reflux) and it is disgusting.
 
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BlendedSlop

It's time.

Ninnies, it's time for me to tackle the enticingly-named "Tinestrone."



Because I'm following the recipe to the letter, I duly tip the chopped onion and garlic into a cold pan and drizzle over the oil. This feels as unnatural to me as wearing socks on my hands and pants on my head, but who am I to question the wisdom of a 7x cookbook author who's cooked for MARY PORTAS, for fuck's sake?



I didn't mention that I had to add the carrots at the same time as the onion and garlic, but that's what the recipe said, so that's what I did. Jack tells me to stir over a medium heat for around five minutes "to start to soften the veg." The veg that's tinned? And therefore already soft? OK then.



In go the tomatoes, stock and dried mixed herbs. I'm sure half a teaspoon of herbage will impart the rich depth of flavour Jack's recipes are so renowned for. I crank up the heat until everything's bubbling, then reduce to a simmer. At this stage I'm still unsure how this is going to turn out, but the appearance of the pan contents doesn't inspire much optimism.



Now comes the most essential step in any slop recipe - The Rinsing. I'm not sure whether to douse the beans or spaghetti first, so in authentic Jack fashion, I choose the path of least effort and decide to rinse them all together.



What am I doing with my life?



With every dribble of sauce that disappears down the plughole, I fear I'm straying further from God's light. Still, I persist. Into the pan with the beans 'n' hoops, both of which retain the vestiges of a radioactive orange glow despite having been rinsed as thoroughly as Jack's Twitter followers.



I'm now instructed to cook for a further ten minutes, "until the beans have softened and it's looking good." As THE BASTARDING BEANS ARE ALREADY SOFT (this is my aneurysm) and I suspect I could wait until the heat death of the universe without managing to achieve the latter, ten minutes it is.



That'll do.
(I did a minor chaos when trying to take the pic but I think the tide mark adds to the overall effect.)



The best thing I can say about this is that it isn't completely inedible. In fact, with a bit (a lot) of tweaking, a longer cooking time and some more seasoning/flavourings, you'd probably end up with a decent pan of soup. But in its current incarnation it doesn't taste like I'm eating minestrone; it tastes like I'm eating rinsed beans and hoops in a watery, vaguely tomatoey broth. It tastes of nothing. The onions are still crunchy. The herbs might as well not even be part of the recipe, because you sure as hell can't detect them. I can't help but wonder whether not rinsing the sauce from the beans would have given it more flavour. I suppose we'll never know, because the only way I'm ever making this again is in some kind of post-apocalyptic scenario.

You can buy a tin of minestrone at Jack's favourite supermarket for as little as 55p:



In contrast, I spent £2.45 on the beans, hoops, toms and carrots (I already had the oil, garlic, stock cube and mixed herbs in). In the interests of FORENSIC costings, I probably should have bought the basics versions of the tinned ingredients, but I suspect the finished dish would have tasted even worse. Why would anyone choose to make this when the combined cost of the ingredients is more than four times as much, it takes more effort, lacks nutrients, and doesn't taste anywhere near as good as the bought versions?

I'm fortunate enough to have enough disposable income that I can afford to spend a little on experimental recipes. People on low incomes and foodbank users (who make up Jack's target audience, according to her) don't have this luxury. I'm honestly angry on their behalf, because they deserve so much better than this.

Here, you're using four tins to make two portions of a single meal. Why? No doubt Jack's defence would be "What if someone got these in their foodbank parcel and had no idea what to do with them?" To that I'd say this: you'd be better off using the tinned tomatoes, onion, garlic and herbs to make a simple pasta sauce, have the spaghetti hoops on toast, the beans on a jacket potato, and the carrots simply boiled and served with something else. OK, those are basic and not very exciting meal ideas, but at least you'd be using four tins for four different meals, not wasting them by combining them into one slop that frankly isn't worth the time, effort or expense.

Verdict: 2 - Terrible
 
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Geetbo

I am glad someone has finally made spunksagne.

The “ragu” bit looked almost ok tbf. But obviously by the final picture nature had reasserted itself and it was fucking awful.
 
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F

Foxvint

8 quid for lasagne is well expensive. Plus time and oven cost. You can get the Tesco finest or fancy Charlie Bingham 1 for less than that or 2 large fish an chips down the chippy. I am gobsmacked by these results. She is to food what Harold Shipman was to health care
 
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OwlRightsReserved

God this thread is hilarious. I lost it at @Lazarus ' egg on the botulism pesto. Chapeau, frauen.

I would pick another recipe to try, but after the stretchy hummus incident, I don't think I can face it.
 
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ForgettyBetty

I think she's used one of those mini loaf tins instead and just photographed it close up to look full size and niceish
 
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Valiofthedolls

Inspired by @dickanddom slopalong entry and mention of the work version of delicious microwave Marmite pasta, even though it is Sunday today and my proper slopalong is next weekend, I have decided to do an impromptu test of the work version.

I perform this deed in service of all commuter fraus out there in Tattle-land who, when I report back on how delicious it is, will be inspired for your work luncheons tomorrow.
I’m using the information from her blog. Here’s the recipe, and the instructions for how to do a work version.
As she doesn’t specify quantities of oil, I’ll just use the same amount as the original butter. Here are my ingredients. They’re FANCY as it is Sunday after all, and I feel like spoiling myself in honour of ex Sunday School teacher Jack.
First, I measure out two teaspoons of oil and half a teaspoon of marmite.

Then I weigh out the cheddar cheese (it has strawberries in it because-it’s my Old Harold’s and all I had to hand) and pasta FORENSICALLY converting it to ounces for my American drug dealer scales and taking the container weight into account.



At this point, I decided to be a bit MAVERICK and instead of grating the cheese per the instructions, to chop it into a line using a credit card Dollar Tree gift card. My Jack inspiration is coming thick and fast this morning! (I PAINSTAKINGLY cleansed said card first and again afterwards)

I then added the cheese to the oil and marmite and decanted it into a smaller container which I have placed atop the pasta container for photographic purposes. To be clear, even if I had grated the cheese, this would in no way resemble a “paste” as Jack claims.

Now, here is something I have saved to share with you all. As it is very first thing in the morning here and I am going out for a cycle, I am going to FORENSICALLY recreate my work commute by cycling the exact distance of 5.4 miles . Here it is, going into my bike bag for the journey. (Fear not, I noticed after taking the pic that the lid hadn’t quite sealed so rectified this before my bag was softly, gently marauded by oozy oil and marmite)

I SHAN’T be taking a mug with me because it doesn’t fit the modern workplace should be well equipped for a busy working frau’s mug needs.

I shall now recreate my commute cycling downhill all the way and closing my eyes at all roundabouts*, so I am truly Jack inspired today. Upon my return I shall sit this delicious mixture atop my smol desk (as the beauty of it according to Jack is that it does not need refrigeration, so I SHAN’T put it in my big American Fridge that costs £500 a month to run), place some pens in my breast pocket, and eagerly await the luncheon hour (and potential scalding/burns). I shall report back later.

*not really. We don’t have roundabouts. I will cycle very safely to bring you a delicious mug luncheon fit for a king the very best of working fraus everywhere.
 
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House of Carbonara

Weeell, at least kitty enjoyed breakfast!
 
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Griftymcgriftface

You know this is the type of thing that the daily Mail should put in a click bait article. They love rinsing random mumsnet threads and this is far better.
 
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NellieBoo

Mmmmm. I bet your house smells lovely. Microwaved tinned sardines. Yum.
 
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ForgettyBetty

MavisBeacon said:
Frauen, we're going in!
Ingredients for pina colada bread sourced from the little shop in the village, along with some nice brioche buns in case it's inedible and a finger of fudge because why not...
Click to expand...
£6 ffs, you can buy three or four nice 6-portion cakes/brioche loaves for that
 
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NellieBoo

MavisBeacon said:
Frauen, we're going in!
Ingredients for pina colada bread sourced from the little shop in the village, along with some nice brioche buns in case it's inedible and a finger of fudge because why not...
Click to expand...
Oh you naughty, nefarious ninnie. You bought Jacks flour .
 
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Valiofthedolls

NellieBoo said:
'Restaurant quality dish'. Chinny reckon.
Click to expand...
If someone wants to tackle a restaurant quality dish, they could do the delicious Ivy-esque salad this version of counter sitting Jack served up in a Vice magazine interview in 2019. It’s allegedly from Tin Can Cook.
 
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Slop n slide

The pencil
 
Reactions: 34
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