Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[kachoochoo]

View attachment 3401081

"Sadness in his eyes"

 

[hoopdedoo]

Perhaps you could turn the cake into the base for a trifle? Would probably transform into something reasonably with kirsch/whisky poured onto it, then custard and more fruits?

I think drowning it in alcohol and piling custard and fruit atop it is the only feasible outcome for this poor cake.

 

[NellieBoo]

I know the answer to this because it's Jack but surely, if she wants to help people on a tight budget, it would be better to do cake recipes using packet mixes with lots of ideas to jazz them up? Asda's sponge mix is 45p. I used to bake a lot when my son was small and also make family birthday cakes - it's really expensive!

 

[UnPickled]

I did the Con-a-nation quiche but posted in the main thread like a ninny. Links to each post for your convenience.

https://tattle.life/threads/jack-monroe-497-jack-monroes-con-a-nation-quiche.38874/post-14960978

Jack Monroe #497 Jack Monroe's Con-a-nation Quiche

I thought she could sew? I deffo remember some "gorgeous creation" that she planned to sell hanging on the back of a door..... That multi-pack vest with a bit old curtain tacked to it and proudly displayed on the back of a door will never not be funny.

tattle.life

Jack Monroe #497 Jack Monroe's Con-a-nation Quiche

Oh bloody hell, look out when she catches up, Boys in Scrubs. The “wee pocket rocket” has a new strapline to lure you in on Tinder. (ss @Marmalade Atkins) FML Jackie gal you know Linda is a big old lezza don’t ya?

tattle.life

Jack Monroe #497 Jack Monroe's Con-a-nation Quiche

Does this mean.... It's not very good? Absolutely!

tattle.life

Jack Monroe #497 Jack Monroe's Con-a-nation Quiche

This one perfectly illustrates how small it is. Look at it compared to the tub of baking beans 😂😭 Serves 8-10 full sized men who work down the pit all day.

tattle.life

 

[Fleasyweezy]

Are we allowed to have multiple attempts at the same recipe? I’ll do the pangrattato too if so

I’m going to throw my eBay chapeau in the ring & try the banana pancakes since I have some very ripe bananas that I can sacrifice for the grifty cause. Although, since chopping boards are an optional nice to have, I may have some explaining to do as to the multiple score marks in the work surface after I’ve completed all that fine & forensic slicing

Well the executive summary is: unpleasant and salty

Chicken and cannellini Soup:

1. I found some beans to use

View attachment 1837816

2. I had some concerns about wasting food in the midst of a cost of living crisis so I made a few tweaks to Jack’s recipe so the food wouldn’t have to binned. (Sorry if this breaks some slopalong rules, I will try harder next time)

3. I fried the additional items of: onion, garlic and herbs in a pan. I used a pan without a lid for the full Jack experience

View attachment 1837823

4. I couldn’t bring myself to use the bean water. The best before date was 2024 but I bought these beans over a year ago during a short lived Ottelenghi phase, which I had to abandon because sourcing all the ingredients was a full time job.

5. In with the chicken stock cube water

6. I wasn’t sure about blending, but did want to try to stick to the Jack experience. Luckily I had a blender, I’m not sure what the recommended substitution is in Grifty Kitchen, perhaps run over the soup with a lawnmower.
View attachment 1837829

7. soup slopping time.

View attachment 1837831

Essentially it was a bowl of stock, there was some flavour from the garlic and herbs that I added. Beans don’t have a taste and by blending them their texture and heartiness was negated.

It was a pointless bowl of slop, also zero chicken taste. In conclusion I wish I had ottolenghed the beans!

Run over the soup with a lawnmower

 

[HotesTilaire]

Thank you, dear hearts. I’ll try liquid gold first, later in the week. Wasn’t Liquid Gold the name of amyl nitrate? Teenage hijinks memories unlocked!
I wonder if this stuff will make me see everything in green and give me a headache?

 

[Nonah]

Thank you. The Bean Juice Meringues please.

Cursed sentence.

 

[Witchfinder Sargeant]

Just posting some more book recipes for the wiki table.

Spoiler: A Year in 120 Recipes

Jack, people have been putting courgettes in cake since for ever. You just have to look at any Womens' Institute cookbook to go "ah, these ladies really grasp the concept of (1) a glut and (2) children who are deeply suspicious of anything green." Just because you only became aware of it last week doesn't mean it's new, it just means you don't know anything.

 

[Lazarus]

Chapeau tender bongo. Molly’s face has quite honestly ended me.
someone phone my parents and tell them their youngest child has expired

I’m beginning to wonder if Jack was seriously viewing it in a positive light when she said ‘sometimes I surprise myself’ with this one. I simply can’t get over this combination.

I’ve mentioned before that me and Mr Laz have a friend who cooks the weirdest food combinations ever; she really tries - that much you can tell, but it’s just overkill and flavours that don’t compliment each other. Even her dinner last night was more appealing than the and combo! It was:

Tonight's supper: baby onions, radishes and cauliflower florets marinated in Cumin/Coriander & Mustard seeds, Turmeric, Garlic, Chilli flakes, Smoked Chipotle, Alho Salsa, Grains of Paradise, Wild Garlic salt & Tellicherry Black Peppercorns with olive oil and oven roasted with leftover Gammon drizzled with Calvo Nero Wild Garlic Pesto & Parmesan cheese xx

 

[FlusterCuck]

So here they are - not overly offensive looking
View attachment 1741302

the small ones are basically rock hard missiles that could smash a window with a flick of the wrist

The bigger ones are hard on the outside but still quite soft in the middle. Very stodgy. They don’t hold together particularly well. They taste of cinamon and sugar. They are basically ok?

Can I give them a 2.5?





View attachment 1741321

This makes me sad, a properly made Lardy cake is an unctuous, flaky decadent treat.

 

[HotesTilaire]

I want slut spaghetti to go with my slapper semolina now. Also who the fuck is leaving Nigella for that braying horse Trinny

Charles Saatchi the abusive domestic abuser

Thought I'd give a few more simple recipes a go

Peanut butter hot chocolate

PEANUT BUTTER HOT CHOCOLATE

Sometimes I make things that I love so much, I savour them slowly, wondering how I’ll ever bring myself to eat anything else again. This is one of those moments – one of those silent mo…

cookingonabootstrap.com

I used the microwave method for this one, had to buy the chocolate and peanut butter but would normally have these in so it should've been completely free.
It says to first microwave the water (50ml), chocolate (3 squares) and peanut butter (1 heaped tbsp) for 20 seconds but doesn't say on what setting so I just went with high (900W).
Then stir, add half the milk (75 of 150ml) and nuke it for another 20 seconds (again assumed high).
Then repeat for the other half of the milk (so 60 seconds total).
At this point it should be done but was barely warm, nowhere near hot chocolate temp. So I put it in for another 40 seconds.

The drink itself is a solid 3 - middle class, very heavy on the peanut butter to chocolate ratio for my tastes, nothing special to warrant inhalation. Can't call it terrible despite missing instructions and not enough heating time.
When she calls it peanut butter hot chocolate she means it. I'd probably double the chocolate to balance it back out, while increasing the volume to a proper mug full 300+ml.

It makes 200ml so the pic of a full Denby mug which would be 300-350ml or at least 50-75% 344% more than this to be taking liberties. The mug was of course found in a charity shop for 75p, as discussed in the comments.
The recipe states "makes one mug, easily, dangerously doubled" but it doesn't make 'one mug easily' Jack you prick.
This one isn't even costed so not sure why she decided to make a tiny portion again. But it's probably because at ~300 calories for 200ml it's more calorific than almost all of the actual meals we've tried!

I'd be interested in seeing the book volume @Notmycat (A Year in 120 Recipes)

View attachment 1736428
View attachment 1736429
View attachment 1736431
View attachment 1736432

Microwave mini egg hot chocolate

Microwave mini egg hot chocolate

cookingonabootstrap.com

This one just needs 8 mini eggs and 200ml milk (small portion again, big surprise) but I can't find mini eggs in November for love nor money. I even checked Cadbury puddings, cake bars and cakes to salvage them but no luck.
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).

They usually come out the day after Xmas. I once saw them on Xmas eve, which made an excellent talking/tutting point for my Nan.

 

[That Forensic Man]

@That Forensic Man for your charity tally! In honour of the slopathon, today I donated £9 worth of shopping essentials to my local foodbank/community shop. Thank you matched betting profits!

Will do another drop in the new year

@That Forensic Man I made my donation to the foodbank collection in Lidl today, can you put me down for £10 please? I went with baby wipes, tampons, pads, tinned chilli and cereal. It was an eclectic mix, for sure.

Thank you dear hearts, the total is now £1005.78 !!

 

[pumbilical cord]

Uncooked flour can harbour e.coli. if her cake recipes are causing uncooked batter that's more danger jack to contend with.

 

[LadyGarden]

Hello again Frauen und Herren.

I've avoided this thread after the sheer embarrassment of awarding a 4 to Jack's Daal and then discovering I added too much spice, hence it being quite tasty Absolute chaos.

I now feel strong enough to potentially attempt another slop and will be FORENSIC by thrice checking the ingredients.

Happy to attempt a veggie/vegan/fish-based recipe (not fish paste though, completed it mate and it was pretty rank). Any suggestions welcomed otherwise I will peruse the Wiki for ideas.

Slop well, dear hearts x

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

OMG @Amanda Lin - I had to go back and reread the ‘recipe‘ because I couldn’t believe that it could literally be heating up and mashing some beans wirh chicken stock cubes.

How naive I was

 

[I'm not actually here]

I'm here from the future. This recipe is from Tin Cant Camp... WILD.

Total cost 2d.

Pond/sea^ water
Some alphabetti spagetti, rinsed
Far too much Bovril for flavour (1/8th tsp, adjust to taste)

Rating - 1, as in Minus

ETA it isn't actually alphabetti spagetti. It is some miniscule foreign pasta letters and that is the smollest teaspoon ever. Honest.

I am now returning to the picket line.

Well I finally got round to making the Courgette and Cheese Soda Bread from the free ebook last night

Spoiler: Step by step

View attachment 1884385
This is the recipe I followed. As you can see, it is a very simple recipe which requires cooking for an extraordinarily long time. A whole HOUR which is why I’ve been putting it off.

Anyway, I duly assembled my ingredients.
View attachment 1884383

I mixed the lemon juice and milk which she inexplicably says takes 10 minutes to turn into buttermilk when in fact it takes a minute or so. She also doesn’t tell you it turns into buttermilk at all - just that it’s magic. I think might be quite helpful - useful to understand why you’re doing something.
Anyway, I added the flour and bicarbonate to a big bowl and tipped in the courgette and cheese. She doesn’t say to grate your cheese but I did because I’m not an idiot

View attachment 1884398
I mixed that in (not over mixing) and then added the milk into the centre (bit disappointed that she didn’t say ‘a well, a sort of hole‘ but you can’t have everything).
At this point it’s supposed to be a very sticky dough and when you tip it into the loaf tin you are supposed to shake the tin gently to get it into the corners.

As my dough was more stodgy than goopy, it wasn’t going to move anywhere as you can see so I had to poke it to get it to fill the tin.

View attachment 1884408

When I pulled it out, it looked a lot better than expected! The knife came out cleanly after an hour, it had risen and I left it in the tin for 30 mins as specified before tipping it out to cool.

View attachment 1884416

I cut a slice after that 30 mins. Still looking good!
View attachment 1884417

The verdict.

It was more of a cake type texture than bread. Like banana bread so you have to cut it into quite thick slices. It has a good crunch on the top and is quite moist but not wet so not unpleasant in that sense. But it is just SO BLAND. It tastes of nothing. You can’t taste the cheese, there’s no salt or honey or mustard. It’s just completely pointless. It’s a waste of good cheese and of the power to run the oven.

I tried it with some manchego and butter and it was still really boring and tasteless. I toasted a slice this morning as she suggests and ate it with marmite. It doesn’t toast well so it’s not good for that. You wouldn’t be able to make cheese toasties with it which is her other suggestion as it’s too wet and the crust breaks away. She says to spread it with marmalade. I don’t like marmalade so I’m not going to do that. But I’m not sure that would save it.

Score

I guess I’d give it a 2.5? It’s about the most insipid thing I’ve ever eaten. It’s sadness in a loaf shape.

For my contribution to eradicating food poverty today, I’m taking a big bag of food to a woman with a disabled husband and a sick baby who asked for help in a Facebook group I’m in. I won’t give her the rest of my horrid loaf as I’m sure she won’t want it either. I’ll mix it with an egg and give it to the dog.

Poor dog.

 

[Nottonightbabe]

Best of luck @Nonah. Looking forward to see your results

FFS that's what they're actually called I thought @Nonah was being funny

 

[Anyfulekno]

updated jack's hazard slops list:

Letting rice sit on the side for ages instead of cooling quickly - allows lots of Bacillus cereus bacteria to grow and give you the shits/food poisoning peanut milk rice pudding
frying tinned potatoes - they can explode due to the water content hot nicoise
storing/infusing herbs in oil - risk of botulism Whoa F*ck Dressing
Microwaving stone fruits to ripen - explodey, doesn't work, could fuck up your microwave microwave ripening fruits
sprout scones because cooked (painstakingly) by the instructions they are fucking raw
Beer battered sardines: advocates that in case of carrying a flaming pan of hot oil outside while holding it with a wet dishcloth is a good/fire service approved idea ...NEVER do this, place a damp NOT sopping wet teatowel over the top to smother the flames or use a fire extinguisher if you're fancy. Risk of SEVERE burns and immolating your shitty bungalow using her method

Not sure if the wiki has been updated with these, i can do it if noone minds me tinkering

 

[Darvos]

Also, what in the name of dire proofreading is this?

I know it’s Veganish, but an egg in an aquafaba meringue recipe? Un oeuf, already.

 

[Hold my beans]

Molly's reaction needs to be the first reply every time some idiot posts how amazing Jack’s peach and shitpea curry is