Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[VeniVidiVicki]

I made the prune smoothie.

Full confession: I own this book (Tin Can Cook), I liked the concept, I think it could be a really clever book in the right hands. I was expecting chilli with tinned beans, lentil bolognese, nice curries that sort of thing. I like tinned fruit. I had tinned prunes at a hotel breakfast buffet and they were quite nice.

First the ingredients View attachment 1758669

Prunes £1
Oats £2
Milk £2.15

I halved the recipe and had lots of everything left over, the full recipe probably uses about a third of a tin of fruit.

Method
Put it all in the blender and blend

Result
View attachment 1758676

It formed a slightly lump liquid, and tasted really sweet and a bit like raw oats. It was edible but not great. I don't know the consequences of consuming raw oats.

Overall I just don't see the point. The prunes weren't that cheap, a banana would have made a better smoothie. The oats were a bit weird tasting. Given those ingredients I'd make porridge instead which would be more filling and warming.

Do people really donate tinned prunes to foodbanks? It seems like a bit of a dick move.

I will update on any side effects as they occur

Thank you for all that you do. Now please move that milk away from the edge of the counter!

 

[AyiaKnacker]

What really rinses my rice is the lack of teaching in her recipes. I think this is something I’ve just had a lightbulb moment with. You can make really good, low cost meals if you know how to cook. And it’s not difficult. So a simple recipe for béchamel would be really valuable. And how to properly cook onions (fgs Jack, please)! Rather than the interchangeable herb nonsense an actual lesson on which herbs work with what and why. Of course she’d have to know this herself and it’s probably not as much fun as chucking some random pulses and fruit together so it’ll never happen but it would be so much more valuable for people who want to cook with less.

How dare you! She teaches us that a well is a kind of hole.
WARNED.

 

[Clovis]

This seems like it might be the best place to ask this question, because it seems like the group has an entire collection of JM's books.

Does she tell her readers at any point how to grow cuttings (for example, the ends of green onions) to make more food and save seeds (eg squash both to eat and to grow the next year)? Anything like that?

Jack gardens as well as she cooks, dear tenderstem. This year alone she sowed tomatoes in June (never spoken of again), sowed radish seed thinking they were chard and claimed to have an eight year old chard plant which is botanically impossible.

Actually, it's probably a blessing Jack doesn't share her maverick gardening tips in the books. Monty Don can sleep soundly.

 

[blurstoftimes]

@crystaleyesd you are back with a bang! but as someone who has permanent nerve damage in two fingers from a bastard tin my heart was racing like Countryfile presenter Tom Heaps’ probably was when he realised jack was cooking his dinner

 

[VeniVidiVicki]

Well I finally got round to making the Courgette and Cheese Soda Bread from the free ebook last night

Spoiler: Step by step

This is the recipe I followed. As you can see, it is a very simple recipe which requires cooking for an extraordinarily long time. A whole HOUR which is why I’ve been putting it off.

Anyway, I duly assembled my ingredients.

I mixed the lemon juice and milk which she inexplicably says takes 10 minutes to turn into buttermilk when in fact it takes a minute or so. She also doesn’t tell you it turns into buttermilk at all - just that it’s magic. I think might be quite helpful - useful to understand why you’re doing something.
Anyway, I added the flour and bicarbonate to a big bowl and tipped in the courgette and cheese. She doesn’t say to grate your cheese but I did because I’m not an idiot

I mixed that in (not over mixing) and then added the milk into the centre (bit disappointed that she didn’t say ‘a well, a sort of hole‘ but you can’t have everything).
At this point it’s supposed to be a very sticky dough and when you tip it into the loaf tin you are supposed to shake the tin gently to get it into the corners.

As my dough was more stodgy than goopy, it wasn’t going to move anywhere as you can see so I had to poke it to get it to fill the tin.

When I pulled it out, it looked a lot better than expected! The knife came out cleanly after an hour, it had risen and I left it in the tin for 30 mins as specified before tipping it out to cool.

I cut a slice after that 30 mins. Still looking good!

The verdict.

It was more of a cake type texture than bread. Like banana bread so you have to cut it into quite thick slices. It has a good crunch on the top and is quite moist but not wet so not unpleasant in that sense. But it is just SO BLAND. It tastes of nothing. You can’t taste the cheese, there’s no salt or honey or mustard. It’s just completely pointless. It’s a waste of good cheese and of the power to run the oven.

I tried it with some manchego and butter and it was still really boring and tasteless. I toasted a slice this morning as she suggests and ate it with marmite. It doesn’t toast well so it’s not good for that. You wouldn’t be able to make cheese toasties with it which is her other suggestion as it’s too wet and the crust breaks away. She says to spread it with marmalade. I don’t like marmalade so I’m not going to do that. But I’m not sure that would save it.

Score

I guess I’d give it a 2.5? It’s about the most insipid thing I’ve ever eaten. It’s sadness in a loaf shape.

For my contribution to eradicating food poverty today, I’m taking a big bag of food to a woman with a disabled husband and a sick baby who asked for help in a Facebook group I’m in. I won’t give her the rest of my horrid loaf as I’m sure she won’t want it either. I’ll mix it with an egg and give it to the dog.

 

[Lazarus]

Update:
Rather than waste the Scrappy Stock Steptoe’s drawers stock, I decided to put it to good use in this evenings dinner.
I made a very nice leek and cheddar orzotto (recipe card from Waitrose).
At least something positive came out of it. This portion alone fed me, Mr Laz, our neighbour, the tree surgeon, 6 hungry, hardworking labourers and SB. Mr Laz has some for lunch tomorrow and Geoff at the Community Kitchen has 4 plastic tubs worth, with allergens written in RED BLOCK CAPS.

house still smells.

 

[WhyYouCry?]

I think I'm ready to re-enter the fray.

I'm going to try to make Brown Bread Icecream because it's icecream: how bad can it be?

Are you familiar with Jack Monroe’s work?

 

[Lostcat]

I genuinely couldn't believe that was the full recipe, and had to go back and check. You made it better, you added onion and bit of garlic!

1 x 400g tin of cannellini beans
2 chicken stock cubes
1 tbsp lemon juice
plenty of black pepper

That's not a soup recipe, that's just heating up beans in very salty water. Your recommended daily allowance of salt is 6g maximum, if this is for two people then that's 1 stock cube each. If we go by a standard Knorr Chicken stock cube that's almost 3.5g of salt per person, in one very small meal.

That's dangerous for children or folk with medical conditions, and exceedingly unhealthy for the rest of us! I'm horrified that (a) she thinks this is a reasonable recipe, and (b) it passed any sort of quality/health checks when going through the publishing process. It's outrageously bad!

Also, the Advertising Standards Authority and Trade Descriptions Act might have something to say about calling this chicken and cannellini bean soup when there's no chicken in it. If you were selling it you'd probably have to name it "Chicken Flavoured Cannellini Bean Soup".

 

[ContentCrunch]

Hello sloppers

I’m making cat space brownies this morning.

ingredients:
1-2 Inexplicable eggs
Hammered at your own risk tin of tuna
2tbsp cat nip
Salmon oil or coconut oil all oils are interchangeable if your tuna is in oil all the better
100g (ish) gluten free flour

combine till cake like mixture, bake till a skewer comes out clean. Garnish with licky-lix and extra catnip. Enjoy your cats being off their tits all afternoon

It reads just like a Jack recipe doesn’t it?! 🪐

Spoiler: One smol step for cats…

Spoiler: One giant leap for space kitties

fresh out the oven waiting to decorate

 

[Lucky Escape]

Found where all the small cloves of garlic end up

View attachment 1735191

Wow, I just read that recipe for the first time:

What?! So if she knows that she should do that, why doesn't she ever mention it in any of her published recipes??

 

[Lazarus]

This just fills me with rage again that Jack is recommending this to people who have little money to spend. It’s infuriating. Just an utter waste of money and food (not by you tenderstem).

also these dogs have made my day.

I don’t think anyone would disagree with you, but the Slopalong threads are, IMO, an excellent public health warning and the funniest pages on the whole internet.

 

[Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn]

Not sure if the video will work. A lovely sound effect of the placenta. Only for the brave. You have been warned!

 

[overdueanadventure]

I think I'm ready to re-enter the fray.

I'm going to try to make Brown Bread Icecream because it's icecream: how bad can it be?

 

[traumatised sideboard]

@lurkerfrau dissecting the bun is the most menacing thing I've seen since the pudding with the chainsaw massacre in the background.

 

[That Forensic Man]

I have not been in the fire service for many years, but is carrying a hot pan of hot oil advisable? I was taught to move it off the heat and put the lid on it.
The bit about not pouring cold water on it is sound, I'll give her that.

View attachment 1737133

This is such dangerously bad advice, if any water or the wet towel touches the oil it's gonna flash meaning you'd drop the pan and it's gonna explode everywhere including all over you
Using a wet tea towel on the handle means all the heat will be transferred to your hand, compared to a dry towel or nothing, so you're more likely to pick it up and then realise it's too hot to hold (because of the wet towel) and then drop it.
And she's so extraordinarily fire conscious as to routinely leave flammable objects on the gas hob and put stupid little cabinet locks on doors, what an absolute twat.

Omg the hot oil advice! Can we add that to the list of dangerous things she’s promoted in the kitchen as well as the botulism etc?

Yes, absolutely x

I just made That Man's sweet potato, spinach & chick pea meecrowaaahveeee curry from his £1 meals selection. It is beautiful.
He's so clever because he grates the base ingredients which has the effect of allowing it to cook fast but with intense flavour. All timings and processes worked to the letter for me and my equipment. Just realised it is vegan too if you don't add the optional yoghurt (which I haven't bothered with) and it is a substantial meal for two; more for less-greedy people. Obviously it's been thoroughly researched and tested - lovely, I recommend.

ps @That Forensic Man , I donated 3 advent calendars from my kids to the local foodbank following their specific appeal plus ketchup and sugar - £4.50 cash value (I already had sugar and ketchup at home to donate so haven't included that value). Also just a minor FORENSIC detail I know you'll want corrected, my rillettes was from the Asda version of Tin Can Cook, thank you my dear x

eta: vegan clarification

Thankyou tender one!

 

[Cheekymonk3y]

@That Forensic Man I have decided that I would like to downgrade my upside fish pie to a 2- Terrible, please dear heart x

I must have been in a good mood on the day I cooked it because I was very generous with a 3 - every time I think back to eating it, I get indigestion due to the copious amounts of raw and crunchy chunks of celery, which was the dominating flavour of the whole thing.
There was not enough fish in the recipe for 4 people and it definitely was not a 15 min meal as stated by our Jackie.

I mean it should have actually been called celery in ‘sauce’ on tasteless instant mashed potato with fish.

 

[IcanSpellBéchamel]

I remember childminding a small kid who set about making a cake by putting two eggs on one side of an old set of balance scales and then weighing the ingredients against them as her mum had taught her. I was boggled and impressed in equal measure. And the cake was delicious.

That’s how my grandmother taught me to make a cake, and I must have been very young as she died when I was seven.

 

[overdueanadventure]

Disappointingly I didn't get opportunity to test the Brown Bread Ice Cream on my ex-husband. On the bright side, this was because his visit was fleeting.

I've had some more today and son tried it too. He thought it was "quite nice".

The cat also stuck her face in his bowl afterwards and seemed satisfied with her theft. But then, cats, any food thieved is the best food. (Insert Jack joke here.)

I'm torn between giving it a 4 and a 3. It deserves more points than the Cuban-Inspired Beef stew I did, as although it was alright in taste, I never could face another portion of that, and it went in the bin eventually.

But an "inhale greedily" seems excessive as it's just pleasant. It tastes mostly of cream (or bread).

However, I do feel like I might like to try making other ice cream recipes in future (probably not Jack's) so it's been good that way.

So a 3.75, just to be awkward

 

[veryfondoftea]

Good morning all, donation made today, on pay day as promised. Turns out all the food banks near me are Trussell so I donated to a local homelessness charity instead, because fuck Trussell and their JM enabling. There’s the spirit!

Thanks for all you do, sloppers.

 

[Nonah]

Omg the hot oil advice! Can we add that to the list of dangerous things she’s promoted in the kitchen as well as the botulism etc?

It’s terrifying! Why would you suggest anyone walk anywhere with a pan of oil that’s about to go on fire?! It’s a scenario from the first ten minutes of an episode of Casualty!