Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[Blurp]

I cant believe she wrote that. Absolutely do not lift a pan of hot oil off the oven if it is on fire.

Fires in the Kitchen : Firesafe.org.uk

The Fire Safety Advice Centre

www.firesafe.org.uk

The relevant quote:
"If a pan of food or chip pan catches fire do not attempt to remove it from the stove, it could give you terrible burns if incorrectly handled.
Turn off the heat if it is safe to do so, but never lean over the pan to the controls, switch off the supply at the meter if necessary."

Put the metal lid on if it is only smoking and is safe to do so, as this will smother the flames before they get going. Or throw a fire blanket over it, I 100% feel every kitchen should have a fire blanket in it, it can save lives. Do not throw water or use a standard fire extinguisher as the force of it will case the burning oil to spatter or explode outwards If the kitchen has a "Wet Chemical" extinguisher use that, they look like this in the UK:

View attachment 1737150

I've got a fire blanket up in my kitchen as well as in the caravan kitchen, conveniently to hand within easy reach of the cooker in each.

Oh, and Jack, just to point out that I AM a trained firefighter (as well as trained in how to fix a catastrophic leak in your ship should one occur as well as an NBCD incident and how to give CPR in a gas mask....) unlike you doing your charity day trip as a call handler. We had too much to do on our training to take PR pictures though.

 

[Hold my beans]

They deserve to be somewhere far nicer than here but I'm busy!

 

[HotesTilaire]

Hi guys

my £10 Xmas dwp payment came in, so I chose Little Sprouts, in Stockton On Tees, partly for the name and also coz I think Stockton is quite deprived

 

[FlirtyThirty]

What really rinses my rice is the lack of teaching in her recipes. I think this is something I’ve just had a lightbulb moment with. You can make really good, low cost meals if you know how to cook. And it’s not difficult. So a simple recipe for béchamel would be really valuable. And how to properly cook onions (fgs Jack, please)! Rather than the interchangeable herb nonsense an actual lesson on which herbs work with what and why. Of course she’d have to know this herself and it’s probably not as much fun as chucking some random pulses and fruit together so it’ll never happen but it would be so much more valuable for people who want to cook with less.

We should do a Tattle recipe book - maybe fix all the shite we're cooking??

 

[That Forensic Man]

I saw this and thought of you slop goblins
Today is pizza dough day

 

[Smol Pixel]

CONFIT 'DUCK' AND PEAR CASSOULET PART DEUX

It is now Post Slop and I feel strong enough to report back on the rest of the experience. Part un here.

Spoiler: Method for the cassoulet

Ok so we've got our 'duck' marinading in the fridge, now to tackle the cassoulet, which in Jackspeak means it has beans in it. Because of course it does. Let's slop to it.

Step 1. Make your 'base'

Jack's base is finely sliced onion, leek, celery and carrot. Now I'm no slop maven, but finely slicing is an odd term. Surely chopping a small dice would be more appropriate?? I try to slice the veggies as per the directions, but they end up much larger than I would normally chop them for a stew. Of course all these veggies get slung in a cold pan and the oil added later.

Jack's recipe stipulates a teaspoon of oil. And with my half recipe that means half a teaspoon of oil to cover a quite substantial amount of vegetables. It's sadder than the measly quarter tsp of coffee.

View attachment 1752360

The veggies are still drier than the Gobi desert but Jack wants me to cook them on a medium heat for 10 minutes until they soften.

10 minutes later...

View attachment 1752375

They look exactly the fucking same

Step 2. The rinsing of the beans.

Funnily enough, Jack doesn't ask you to use baked beans here, but I end up buying them cos I can't find cannellini or haricot beans anywhere (Jack states they are interchangeable). Maybe Norwegians are secret bean rinsers?? I find I'm quite excited to take part in this ancient ritual.

View attachment 1752382
Praise beans

Jack tells me to keep the liquid from the beans but I SHAN'T because I don't hate myself. The beans are added to the pan, along with the 'booze' (all alcohol is interchangeable) and the tomatoes. There is no cooking off of the wine, so the whole thing smells overwhelmingly of alcohol. I sprinkle in the herbs which add to the raw pungency, and then top off with the stock.

View attachment 1752399
Sloptastic! But also fucking raw. Jack's two favourite textures.

Step 3. Cook for an hour(!)

This is highly extravagant for Jack. But seriously, SOMETHING has to soften these veg. By now it's 7pm and I'm hungry. But I must wait for the magic to happen. Time to drink some wine then.

One extremely long hour later...

View attachment 1752412

To be fair, things do look a lot more cooked now. But that acerbic raw smell from the wine and herbs lingers, somehow. There's about as much depth of flavour here as a dry cracker - I don't need to even taste it to tell. I've suddenly lost my appetite.

Step 4. Slice your pears and 'fold' them in.

I forget to do this. I've drunk too much wine on an empty stomach.

Step 5. Cook your jackfruit.

I'm hoping the jackfruit has absorbed some flavour after an hour in the fridge. And miraculously all that oil has disappeared . Jack tells me to discard the leftover marinade, but there is none, so I dump it all in a hot frying pan. It sizzles and actually smells quite appetising...

View attachment 1752434

As I'm frying all the oil the jackfruit has sucked up oozes out again. Despite this, it's the only bit of the dish with any structural integrity so I'm quite looking forward to trying it.

Jack once again asks me to 'fold' the jackfruit into the bean slop. I'm not sure this is necessary as this is not a cake - mixing it together will suffice.



Step 4 (again).

Fuck! I remember I forgot the pears!

Jack tells me she has no manners and drinks the juice from the tin. Well, when in Sloptown... (look away now @blurstoftimes whilst I put another appendage close to an open tin)

View attachment 1752456

Pears are 'folded' into the slop. I decide a little video might be nice of these defenceless pears sliding to their doom.


(apols for my music on in the background - probably breaking all manner of copyright laws. Also this video will self destruct in 24 hours)

Step ???. Lemon.

View attachment 1752504
This was supposed to go in somewhere.

Step 6. Sprinkle with breadcrumbs and POBP and SERVE.

Fuck, what have I done?

Spoiler: The finished dish

View attachment 1752521

I serve up a teeny weeny smol Jack portion. I'd mainlined a whole load of crisps while I was waiting for my slop so am no longer famished, but even if I hadn't my appetite drains away like bean juice down a plughole. Taking a deep breath, I bring the fork to my mouth...

Ingredients - N/A. Not sure it's fair to judge the cost of these ingredients given I live in a country famous for its high cost of living. The beans and veg would be quite cheap in the UK, and you'd likely stock things like soy sauce and tin toms. The wine is fucking pointless though - it's a waste of good wine and actively makes the dish worse because she doesn't cook off the alcohol.

Visual appeal - 1/5. The 'finely sliced' stuff is far too big. Perhaps I misunderstood Jack's instructions, but she should make it clear this should be a fine dice. Given that they never melt into the sauce because there's no oil to sweat them in, they just remain as turgid lumps whilst the beans turn to mush, giving the whole thing an aura of a mudslide aftermath. Meanwhile, the dry breadcrumbs are like a snowstorm in june (and not a Jack snowstorm either) - they shouldn't fucking be there.

Texture - 1/5. The jackfruit is the only saving grace in this (sorry frauen, I quite like it), but coated in the sauce it becomes claggy. The bean/veg 'cassoulet' is fucking disgusting, with hidden but perceptible lumps throughout. The pears are slimy - perhaps if they'd been cooked into the sauce instead of 'folded' in at the end they might have had a chance, but nope. The breadcrumbs make me cough up a lung.

Taste - 1/5. Again, the jackfruit is actually OK. The sugar and oil caramelises in the hot frying pan and creates crispy bits, and there's actually some flavour. Then you're forced to ruin it by dumping it into slop. The cassoulet (how dare you besmirch its good name, Jack) is both tasteless and too acidic (thank fuck I didn't add that lemon) from the wine and tomatoes, and the pears are just, well, they're fucking pears so they're sweet! Dire.

Overall - 1/5. I wish I'd been a fly on the wall when a pampered Countryfile presenter had to choke this down and pretend to like it. Jack says she was sheepish about the recipe because she'd made it up on the fly and hadn't even had a chance to taste it before she served it up on national TV (sadly there is no evidence of this) - apparently this meal was enough to convince her this 'recipe' belonged in a cookbook and one can only assume she never cooked it again

I did eat it because it was my dinner. Unfortunately, despite halving the recipe, there's fucking loads left. What's this? A Jack recipe with larger than average portions?? Just my luck I'll be desperately attempting to add some depth of flavour before it becomes my sad lunch tomorrow in the form of some chanterelle stock and smoked paprika, but I suspect it simply cannot be saved. Fuck you, Jack.

She’s obsessed with “finely slicing” things. She must just think it sounds cheffy.

Chapeau on some well slopped ingredients. Unsurprising that it was Not Good.

Spoiler: OT: French trivia

Unrelated but my fave bit of French trivia (inspired by your beautiful numbering): in France, Jaws was called Les Dents de la Mer (Teeth of the Sea), but when Jaws 2 came out they hit a snag because Les Dents de la Mer Deux sounds like Les Dents de la Merde (Teeth of the Shit), so they had to call it Les Dents de la Mer Deuxieme Partie. Makes me lol every time I think of it.

 

[kachoochoo]

prefacing this with i had to make my own lemon curd due to lidl not carrying it (bbc good food recipe, pretty much "melt butter, lemon and sugar together, then beat in an egg")

and i haven't weighed anything, I'm using the vague rule of thumb that a tbsp is around 25g/1oz

I've halved the amounts of everything, tbh, cos i don't want to waste too much

here we go


ingredients assembled, including the homemade lemon curd that does not perform well (but that's on me)

oats, actually i forgot to halve this, this is 4 tbsp of oats, still kinda meagre, no? the recipe calls for 60g of oats for 2. yikes

YOGHURT

assembled and ive never been more embarrassed in my whole life by the abject failure of my lemon curd (this is not jack's fault)

but this is still after 50 mins at 160

gonna try some now

fuck me

i really thought it'd be a solid one, but it is in fact a WET* one!

(*shout out to ma girl john whaite's barmaid pal that time on strictly who screamed "I'M WET!!!" in response to one of his dances in the final)

as with everything that gets a big buildup it's just so blah

bland af, it needs sugar badly. well, it mostly tastes of raspberries and a bit of lemon

I'm just glad that it didn't end up as a hard one, i couldn't have coped with that

in conclusion, put whatever you fucking like in porridge, don't try to make this

 

[heastlanda]

Forgot to say earlier but I have donated £30 to my local food pantry. The food pantry sells food at below cost price for those who are in need. No screenshot I am afraid because it'll instantly reveal where I live if I did.

 

[Clarends]

Oh my God Dinner

Oh My God Dinner, 28p

Oh My God Dinner (or, ‘I Was Going To Make Pasta Alla Genovese And Then I Remembered That Sodding Courgette Rolling Around In My Fridge…’) 55p for 2 portions, or just under 28p ea…

cookingonabootstrap.com

Spoiler

Jack's ingredients 10 years ago (my herbs slightly different as I shopped from a different version but interchangeable don't you know.

70g bacon, 11p (£1.09/670g)
1 chilli (free, grows on my window ledge)
80g spaghetti, 6p (39p/500g)
Fistful each parsley, mint, basil (free, grows on my window ledge)
10ml lemon juice, 2p (60p/250ml)
50g green beans, 7p (£1.40/kg, frozen)
20g Brie, 11p (£1.09/200g)
1 garlic clove, 3p (46p for 2 bulbs with average 8 cloves each)
1/2 courgette, 15p (£1.80/kg, 6 in my bag)

The title suggests food you've got knocking around.

I just had:
garlic
spaghetti
Bottled lemon juice.

So from Sainsbury’s , and calculating the cost basted on whether or not I will use the leftovers.

Bacon 1.35 yes so 37p
Corgettes 1.15 yes but resent the expense compared with other veg she could have suggested 30p
Brie 2.20 - yes but expensive more than the cheddar I usually buy 40p

Basil no. Gone manky even before I've written up. And not keen on slime pesto. And it's imported probably on a plane
Parsley. Probably most will be wasted 80p.
Chillies at a struggle unless I freeze them. Say 30p

Green beans frozen. Will use 10p

method

Ok apart from saying frying pan then sauté pan. I don't even know what that is.
And chopping herbs in a cup with scissors. I didn't do that. Used knife and board.And not saying if spaghetti water should be salted.

Verdict

In Friends Joey thinks he is talking on the phone to Estelle when she is dead. (in fact it's Phoebe) Joey says "What's it like there?" Phoebe looks round the phone booth and says "It's all right"

Well this was all right.

Well that's my verdict. Nothing special. Left over veg and growing herbs with spaghetti a good idea, and sauce from brie is quite nice. She could have said what veg you could use with this and if cheap cheese would work.

And it was a modest (in size not price) meal for one.

Oh my god it's dinner suggested to me when you've been busy and not prepared and prep something easy from what you got.

That's fair enough, and spaghetti and veg with a sauce made on brie is fair enough, fits the bill.

IF YOU HAVE GOT THOSE INGREDIENTS IN.

Which I hadn't. So it was neither quick nor cheap.


Incidentally in the comments she was pulled up for only 40 gms per portion. She replied saying she wrote this when things were tough and in future she'd recommend 70 gm

 

[Lostcat]

I forgot to add to the Dressing Gown Sausage Stew post, but I made a donation to a homeless charity in Glasgow. This lot run soup kitchens in the city centre, and have a place that houses around 30 previously homeless people for extended periods of time, teaching them some trade/retail skills and helping them get back on their feet.

I also gave £10 worth of food to Glasgow North East foodbank, which had a donation point in the Tesco supermarket I bought the ingredients from.

 

[MistyWindows]

I feel so bad, I’ve forgotten to post about the blended chicken
I’m sorry fraus, this is the granola all over again isn’t it? I have had a very busy and drama filled month though, so you’re not allowed to complain otherwise you’re a hateful far right arsehole… that’s how it works right?

Okay, to quote Bob Mortimer “my memory is fleeting, a bit like a mouse’s tear on a hot griddle”, but I’ll do my best!
Credit to @Notmycat for the recipe, you legend 🩵

Chicken Butter from Shit Food for Days

I didn’t want to be wasteful, so obviously did not use the whole packet as I was instructed to do I was making jambalaya anyway, which I like using cooked chicken for, so only used one thigh piece for this recipe.
I didn’t trust her method of cooking them, you’re meant to add salt and pepper, then raw dog them in the oven no oil no nuffin, after 30 minutes she says to cover and then cook for 20 more minutes.
I understand that you’re not aiming for crispy skin, as I suppose in theory you need moister from the skin to blend? But anyway this poor doomed piece was cooked separately from the others, which had oil and herbs, crispy skin but still moist and was delicious.

I think she was going for a pate vibe with this recipe. I’ve never made and don’t like it, but even I know that you use offal right? Chicken liver pate. You can’t just blend thigh, or as she casually suggests, breast and get the same creamy effect?
Let’s see (spoiler alert, you can’t).

Here it is! I needed more mayo than the recipe called for, I initially used the recommended amount for six pieces and only had one, it didn’t worked so I added a little more, otherwise it would not have blended in my magicbullet.
The result was a bit like tuna mayo, only very bland and powdery. It does taste sour from the vinegar too, not pleasant and I feel bad for anyone who wasted SIX chicken thighs making this.

Adding it to the peanut misery bread didn’t improve anything, just a generally sad experience. There’s nothing comforting or ‘buttery’ about this, it’s just sad.

Mistydog liked it and ate the lot, then again she’s been known to enjoy eating her own poo when given the opportunity, so maybe not the best advocate.

I’m going to have a look at the rating system and give the prices, so with my track record look forward to that in a month!

Lots of love

 

[Winthropp Tuesday]

Thanks @Winthropp Tuesday. I don’t really do any cooking or baking so didn’t know about the ratio thing, my OH (who does all the cooking and hasn’t LEFT) purposely didn’t give me any tips so I’d follow it exactly. Weighing the eggs and doing the same weight seems like a sensible and easy way to remember it. I presume she made the weights lower to keep the cost down even more

Please try it @Esiren I’m intrigued to see if it’s any better that way!

And this is why she shouldn’t be anywhere near writing recipes or cookbooks.

You followed the method and ingredients exactly - and you’ve ended up wasting time, resources and energy on something that could have been really easily rectified with proper editing and testing.

Imagine having little to no budget - deciding to make that for a treat and it going wrong. You’d be heartbroken. I’m so cross at her for this.

 

[Smol Pixel]

Note to self: delete old slopalong pics from camera roll so you don’t get confronted with this “memory” by the apple algorithm

 

[That Forensic Man]

Made a few improvements to the wiki slop goblins.
First the recipe links are now in the Source column because there's often multiple sources, was making the Recipe column very messy. Some of the book versions aren't linked because we don't have a copy of them yet (request from @Notmycat if desired).
All the online recipes are archived in case Jack decides to delete them spoil our fun.
I've been through and checked if online ones are in a book and also if book ones are on her website, and if so added them in.
e.g. unf*ckupable pizza dough I found on the website but turns out it's also in COAB.

Second is all the recipes we plan to do or have done are ticked off in the book recipes spoilers/drop downs.
So we can see at a glance which we've tried when selecting new slops, rather than having to scour the massive table
I'll keep both of these things up to date as we go now.

Also there is a total for slops completed (rated) and donations at the bottom of the table.

Here's a graph update, terrible is having notions.

Spoiler: for the wiki

Also a few duplicates I noticed in the list, it's fine but I thought I should point them out:

@Madonna_Claws Mince and onions with notions has been slopped by EllaEm87.
@KweanOfMean Red Lentil and Mandarin Curry has been slopped by heastlanda.

@Bugger13 and @Justacatindisguise you are both down to do Yorkies.
@StatusWoe and @BlossomKil you are both down to do Get up and go smoothie.

 

[AyiaKnacker]

Why you cry?
Jacksiop try.
Why you wail?
Jacslop fail.
Why you grin?
Jackslop in bin.
Why you shout.
Jackslop come out.
Why you glum?
It hurt my bum.

Spoiler

I’m still working a 100 hour week reading Slopalong no. 1, so if another ninny has already penned a similar rhyme, i apologise and will pay penance by making a slop.

 

[binkbonk]

Fraus, I went out for dinner the other night and got this. Is the pineapple eye a threat? Have I been ?

 

[Zelda]

Hey ninnies

Life is a bit stressful and hectic right now. Nothing dramatic, just that I'm so BUSY I barely have time to count my Cotswolds. Not sure when I'll get to do my slop. Especially I am trying to do it when Old Harold is out of the way. He'll mither (correctly) about wasting good food.

I bet you can't wait to find out how the gram flour pasta will turn out!

I'm catching up on all your adventures - you're definitely encouraging me to give my worktops and hob a proper scrub

In the meantime, I've made a contribution to an excellent charity in Leeds who help homeless people. Keep on slopping dear hearts and tender ones.

 

[Captainmouse]

I think the sloppies should have an award for hardest working emoji
poor guy

 

[Lazarus]

To be honest, I think the only way I’m getting rid of the smell is to burn the house down.
Do we know any people who are, or were in the fire service?

 

[HotesTilaire]

Lads guess what? I’m spring cleaning atm and I just so happen to have
3 carabiners
An s hook
An old muslin cloth
how about we do some hack-a-longs?