Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

[Sweetpea2]

Frauen,
I just forced another slice of the black forest cake on Hermann. He was not impressed, he was hoping for a Magnum.
I quote "wieso muss ich den Schrott essen?" (Why do I have to eat this junk)

Cooled down the cake is not great...very stodgy.
Still over half a cake to go...Not sure we will manage it....

 

[wintercynic]

This has really fucked me off today. Watching the slopalong is very amusing until you see that out in the wild, people are still recommending her - this is in a disability FB group.

 

[Knit one Pearl one]

A bonus treat for you. The 'sauce' in action, after simmering for 30 minutes.

I'm sure I can hear it slop.

 

[MancBee]

I was going to write up my notes about the peach drizzle cake recipe that I made for the thread, but time is just not my friend at the moment. My OH (still here etc etc) said why don't I just post the pictures, they tell the whole story. So a brief overview followed by pictures it is.

I stuck to the recipe to the letter, no variation whatsoever. The cake mixture looked OK until I added the peaches. The peach to cake ratio was way out.

It started to bake OK, but then it sort of erupted and jelly like mixture bubbled out.

The cake fell to bits, tasted absolutely disgusting, a sort of slimy over sweet strange taste, with a horrible aftertaste. Why does all her food have a nasty aftertaste? It ended in the bin.

Anyways here are the pictures, behind a spoiler as there's lots. For some reason I can't put them behind a spoiler...so enjoy.

ETA Can a mod spoiler the pics please?

 

[lurkerfrau]

Ugh. Had the worst heartburn of my life at 4am. Lardy buns, we are not friends.

 

[lurkerfrau]

It’s slop o’clock, slop fans!

Today I’m baking Lardy Buns, which just so happens to be my new pet name for myself. I’ve gone with the recipe from Cooking On A Bootstrap which favours plain flour and yeast, as opposed to variations online where she unfathomably uses both self raising AND yeast. I want this recipe to actually work so I’m going for what appears to be the more sensible version.

Spoiler: “Ingredients”

I had everything except the lard which was 41p

Spoiler: Method

She starts off by blooming her yeast in warm water before adding it to the ingredients. Seems a bit of an arse about tit way of doing it. Why not just add it to the dry ingredients and then add the warm water to the bowl like you would in any other recipe? Unnecessary faffing.

Made my well which she explains is a “sort of hole”. So helpful. So forensic.

Then I added the yeast water, butter and lard. So, so much lard. And the rest of the water to get a dough.

It did smell nice and cinamonny at this point but I honestly can’t emphasis how much of this mass is just pure lard. I did some kneading and the dough came together nice and easily. Felt springy, as she described. At this stage, it’s all quite orokising

Back in the bowl and left to prove, covered over and left somewhere warm. The instructions are much better than the woeful proving instructions that went with the horrendous courgette bread.
Here it is before proving.

And after - she says to leave it for an hour or until doubled in size. It probably took

Then it’s time to form the buns by rolling the dough out, cutting into strips and rolling up.

The recipe is meant to make six buns but as you can see, I got a couple of wee ones too. She then says you can brush with egg if you want. I am a fancy gal so I did some brushing and it’s just as well, because the next instruction is to sprinkle with sugar and without the egg wash, I can’t see how the sugar would cost the buns. They aren’t particularly sticky to touch.

The recipe calls for 50g of sugar - this is so much sugar to sprinkle on this many buns, but what do I know?

So much sugar.
Into the oven they go

Spoiler: The results

Some early investigations revealed they were quite underdone in the middle so I stuck them back in for a bit. The resulting buns are a bit overdone on the outside but at least the lardy innards are cooked through.

taste test to follow…

 

[Emmapism]

"Unpleasant and salty'

When Jack makes a soup match her personality

 

[Falkor]

Thread title by @MavisBeacon nominated by @traumatised sideboard - you win your choice of any of the slops cooked in thread 2.

For those who've stumbled on this thread by accident, it's a spin-off of the Jack Monroe threads where Tattlers are cooking their way through Jack's seven cookbooks in a vain attempt to find one edible recipe that works without tweaking. We're not doing well so far... Links to all the slops are in the Wiki on the Slopalong page.

Carry on slopping, everyone!

 

[FlirtyThirty]

Yay! I might have a little online mooch today to see if I can find where she might have stolen that from and buggered up the write up because SOMETHING (as well as flavour) was definitely missing….go well, pal.

Quoting myself like a ninny to say there’s quite a lot of variations on aubergine and red lentil curry’s but only Jack calls hers a vindaloo.
This is what makes a vindaloo sauce by the way:

Jacks didn’t use any of those things. Note especially the COCONUT MILK. Other recipes recommend a tin of tomatoes because YOU NEED THE ACTUAL LIQUID, not just Jacks imaginary slop.
Seriously she’s an insult to food.
Oh and I found her recipe on her website and look at the picture and compare it to mine. HA.

You can barely even see my poor aubergine and where are all her fucking onions and garlic lumps?!

Rage.

 

[That Forensic Man]

Thought I'd give a few more simple recipes a go

Peanut butter hot chocolate

Private Site

I used the microwave method for this one, had to buy the chocolate and peanut butter but would normally have these in so it should've been completely free.
It says to first microwave the water (50ml), chocolate (3 squares) and peanut butter (1 heaped tbsp) for 20 seconds but doesn't say on what setting so I just went with high (900W).
Then stir, add half the milk (75 of 150ml) and nuke it for another 20 seconds (again assumed high).
Then repeat for the other half of the milk (so 60 seconds total).
At this point it should be done but was barely warm, nowhere near hot chocolate temp. So I put it in for another 40 seconds.

The drink itself is a solid 3 - middle class, very heavy on the peanut butter to chocolate ratio for my tastes, nothing special to warrant inhalation. Can't call it terrible despite missing instructions and not enough heating time.
When she calls it peanut butter hot chocolate she means it. I'd probably double the chocolate to balance it back out, while increasing the volume to a proper mug full 300+ml.

It makes 200ml so the pic of a full Denby mug which would be 300-350ml or at least 50-75% 344% more than this to be taking liberties. The mug was of course found in a charity shop for 75p, as discussed in the comments.
The recipe states "makes one mug, easily, dangerously doubled" but it doesn't make 'one mug easily' Jack you prick.
This one isn't even costed so not sure why she decided to make a tiny portion again. But it's probably because at ~300 calories for 200ml it's more calorific than almost all of the actual meals we've tried!

I'd be interested in seeing the book volume @Notmycat (A Year in 120 Recipes)

Microwave mini egg hot chocolate

Private Site

This one just needs 8 mini eggs and 200ml milk (small portion again, big surprise) but I can't find mini eggs in November for love nor money. I even checked Cadbury puddings, cake bars and cakes to salvage them but no luck.
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).

 

[Winthropp Tuesday]

Last night I made Jacks Lemon Curd Sponge Puddings. I picked this recipe as I had every ingredient already so it was FREE and I thought such a simple recipe may actually work. Spoiler, it did not.

https://cookingonabootstrap.com/2013/04/05/lemon-curd-sponge-puddings-24p/

Spoiler: Ingredients

100g self raising flour
70g butter
2 eggs
50g sugar
Splash of lemon juice
8 heaped teaspoons of lemon curd

It doesn’t mention what size eggs or what kind of sugar. I went with the large eggs I had and caster sugar.

View attachment 1733670

Spoiler: Process

First mix the butter and sugar. Add the lemon juice (It’s pointless adding the suggested “few shakes of lemon juice” as you can’t taste it)

Then add eggs and flour -

View attachment 1733676

View attachment 1733690

“Mix well with a fork or wooden spoon to create a smooth, glossy batter.”

View attachment 1733677

It was fairly smooth but beating in the eggs then flour would have been better.


View attachment 1733698

The method says to add a generous dollop of lemon curd and the recipe states 8 teaspoons so I added 2 teaspoons to each bowl.

Next add the cake batter on top till 2/3 full

View attachment 1733699

Spoiler: Oh they’re oozing

Jack says to cook them for 30 minutes. After 10 I had a peeky mink through the oven glass and they looked like this

View attachment 1733703

Well that’s the baking tray fucked

View attachment 1733720

Another 10 minutes went by and they were cooked. Another 10 minutes as suggested would have burnt them

Spoiler: The Result

View attachment 1733723
(just realised I used cake forks instead of spoons but all cutlery is interchangeable)


View attachment 1733728

They look ok but the burnt lemon curd on top isn’t good and the sponge has a really weird texture.

Spoiler: Have this instead

View attachment 1733743

Ingredients - I had everything so not sure on the cost but 6 ingredients isn’t bad. Marked down for not stating which sugar or size of egg to use. Also needs more lemon juice. 3/5

Recipe - Easy to follow but, according to google as I’m no baker, the eggs/flour should have been beaten in to avoid the eggy flavour. Plus maybe putting the lemon curd in the middle might have stopped it either oozing out or sticking to the bottom. 30 minutes cooking time is too long. 2/5

Visual Appeal - Seen worse seen better. 3/5

Texture - Like rubbery sponge but also wet and hard at the same time! 0/5

Taste - Egg. Inexplicably eggy. With the slightest hint of lemon at the end. I fear I’ll be tasting this for days like our poor @MancBee and his soup.
0/5

Overall - 1/5 DIRE. I could have just about forced it down if someone made it for me and I had to be polite.
OH rated it 0 dogshit, couldn’t have eaten it even to be nice!

The fat/flour/sugar ratio is all to cock in that recipe, so no wonder they turned out as they did. I know there are lots of different cake/sponge pudding recipes out there but as a rule, it's usually always the same amount of all dry ingredients plus however many eggs.

So for that recipe, it should be 100g each of flour/fat/sugar plus the two eggs. The other way to do it to make it work would be to weigh the two eggs in their shells and then weigh out the same amount of flour/fat/sugar (so if your eggs weigh 107g each for instance, then the same weight of your flour, fat, sugar)

Cutting the fat/sugar isn't being economical, it's spoiling the ship for a ha'porth of tar - no wonder you ended up with rubbery biscuits... HOW CAN SHE DARE DO THIS TO FOOD AND IT GET PUBLISHED???

 

[MavisBeacon]

Oh my dear tender hearts THANKSPACEYOU! I am overjoyed at winning the thread title and will be wearing an ostentatious ballgown that makes my tits look weird for the awards ceremony.

Oh, I win some slop you say? In which case I'll sneak in beforehand in some unflattering traaazers and a saggy top that makes my tits look weird and then do a runner. Toot toot!

In other news, I am trying to persuade Mr Beacon to try another slop, but he is more interested in actually trying to make an edible pina colada bread, the weirdo.

Feel free to nominate a slop for us, and I'll see if I can make him go for it.

 

[Gentlemensrelish]

4442 is what my mum taught me as basic cake batter (4oz each of butter/sugar/flour, 2 eggs).

She can’t cook
She has never tried to learn
She has made a living off exploiting the poor.

Lee Anderson was right.

Also I wonder if his position is informed by trying to make one of her slops?

Thought you were still talking about your mum for a minute there. Bit harsh.

 

[threetintender]

Here is my mea culpa, ninnies. I’m condemned to wasting food in the form of Chicken Liver Bolognaise. I haven’t made it yet because I can’t find any sodding chicken livers anywhere near. I have just remembered that there is a farm shop / butchery about 12 miles away but I’m not driving there just for chicken livers so will wait for a bit (until pay day) when I can pick up some other stuff for Christmas as well. Watch this space / bin.

 

[Blurp]

I cant believe she wrote that. Absolutely do not lift a pan of hot oil off the oven if it is on fire.

Fires in the Kitchen : Firesafe.org.uk

The Fire Safety Advice Centre

www.firesafe.org.uk

The relevant quote:
"If a pan of food or chip pan catches fire do not attempt to remove it from the stove, it could give you terrible burns if incorrectly handled.
Turn off the heat if it is safe to do so, but never lean over the pan to the controls, switch off the supply at the meter if necessary."

Put the metal lid on if it is only smoking and is safe to do so, as this will smother the flames before they get going. Or throw a fire blanket over it, I 100% feel every kitchen should have a fire blanket in it, it can save lives. Do not throw water or use a standard fire extinguisher as the force of it will case the burning oil to spatter or explode outwards If the kitchen has a "Wet Chemical" extinguisher use that, they look like this in the UK:

View attachment 1737150

I've got a fire blanket up in my kitchen as well as in the caravan kitchen, conveniently to hand within easy reach of the cooker in each.

Oh, and Jack, just to point out that I AM a trained firefighter (as well as trained in how to fix a catastrophic leak in your ship should one occur as well as an NBCD incident and how to give CPR in a gas mask....) unlike you doing your charity day trip as a call handler. We had too much to do on our training to take PR pictures though.

 

[FlirtyThirty]

What really rinses my rice is the lack of teaching in her recipes. I think this is something I’ve just had a lightbulb moment with. You can make really good, low cost meals if you know how to cook. And it’s not difficult. So a simple recipe for béchamel would be really valuable. And how to properly cook onions (fgs Jack, please)! Rather than the interchangeable herb nonsense an actual lesson on which herbs work with what and why. Of course she’d have to know this herself and it’s probably not as much fun as chucking some random pulses and fruit together so it’ll never happen but it would be so much more valuable for people who want to cook with less.

We should do a Tattle recipe book - maybe fix all the shite we're cooking??

 

[That Forensic Man]

I saw this and thought of you slop goblins
Today is pizza dough day

 

[kachoochoo]

prefacing this with i had to make my own lemon curd due to lidl not carrying it (bbc good food recipe, pretty much "melt butter, lemon and sugar together, then beat in an egg")

and i haven't weighed anything, I'm using the vague rule of thumb that a tbsp is around 25g/1oz

I've halved the amounts of everything, tbh, cos i don't want to waste too much

here we go


ingredients assembled, including the homemade lemon curd that does not perform well (but that's on me)

oats, actually i forgot to halve this, this is 4 tbsp of oats, still kinda meagre, no? the recipe calls for 60g of oats for 2. yikes

YOGHURT

assembled and ive never been more embarrassed in my whole life by the abject failure of my lemon curd (this is not jack's fault)

but this is still after 50 mins at 160

gonna try some now

fuck me

i really thought it'd be a solid one, but it is in fact a WET* one!

(*shout out to ma girl john whaite's barmaid pal that time on strictly who screamed "I'M WET!!!" in response to one of his dances in the final)

as with everything that gets a big buildup it's just so blah

bland af, it needs sugar badly. well, it mostly tastes of raspberries and a bit of lemon

I'm just glad that it didn't end up as a hard one, i couldn't have coped with that

in conclusion, put whatever you fucking like in porridge, don't try to make this

 

[HotesTilaire]

Hi guys

my £10 Xmas dwp payment came in, so I chose Little Sprouts, in Stockton On Tees, partly for the name and also coz I think Stockton is quite deprived

 

[heastlanda]

Forgot to say earlier but I have donated £30 to my local food pantry. The food pantry sells food at below cost price for those who are in need. No screenshot I am afraid because it'll instantly reveal where I live if I did.