Geetbo
VIP Member
It makes me think of poppers. Once again highlighting the diversity of the canal I feel.
- Notice
Geetbo
VIP Member
If you have any enemies you could always use it to smash their windows?
VeniVidiVicki
VIP Member
4442 is what my mum taught me as basic cake batter (4oz each of butter/sugar/flour, 2 eggs).
She can’t cook
She has never tried to learn
She has made a living off exploiting the poor.
Lee Anderson was right.
Also I wonder if his position is informed by trying to make one of her slops?
She can’t cook
She has never tried to learn
She has made a living off exploiting the poor.
Lee Anderson was right.
Also I wonder if his position is informed by trying to make one of her slops?
Frauen,
I just forced another slice of the black forest cake on Hermann. He was not impressed, he was hoping for a Magnum.
I quote "wieso muss ich den Schrott essen?" (Why do I have to eat this junk)
Cooled down the cake is not great...very stodgy.
Still over half a cake to go...Not sure we will manage it....
I just forced another slice of the black forest cake on Hermann. He was not impressed, he was hoping for a Magnum.
I quote "wieso muss ich den Schrott essen?" (Why do I have to eat this junk)
Cooled down the cake is not great...very stodgy.
Still over half a cake to go...Not sure we will manage it....
MistyWindows
VIP Member
Good afternoon one and all!
I made the ‘Cakey Goodness Bread’ from Cooking on a Bootstrap (NOT shoestring) and the ‘Chicken Butter’ from Good Food for Bad Days.
So, the long and boring tale of this Slopalong includes me getting all the ingredients from my usual ‘big Sainsbury’s’ (that I drive to), then realising I had forgotten peanuts, so I got them from my rubbish and higher priced local Tesco (I live in the city centre, seriously though the ‘local Tesco’ shops hiking up prices can eat a pumple).
However, I based the costings on said ‘usual shop’, which is very fair of me tbf.
Wholemeal plain flour was something I would never usually buy (and was pretty expensive), guest lists it as just that with no mention of it being bread flour. The recipe uses plain white flour, not bread, which I was sceptical about.
I considered using Wholemeal bread flour, as I felt like that would give this recipe a fighting chance, but then thought that I probably shouldn’t be trying to help guest out, as shitty councils are somewhat of a sore subject to me currently.
So, fuck you Jack, no dice.
Anyway, I did have most of the ingredients in, although I got new yeast as I realised mine was expired, but I don’t feel generous about costing, so based it all on the cheapest you can get from Sainsbury’s as the big shop Ihike drive to for most of my groceries, as opposed to skipping that for stuff I had in, other than salt.
The first step of ridding salted peanuts of their saltiness ended up taking longer than I thought.
Incidentally, I did think I could buy unsalted peanuts on the cheap locally as my area is very multicultural, so raw ingredients can be bought in bulk for a really good price, but salted peanuts from supermarkets like Tesco are cheaper as it turns out. So fair enough there guest (why they’re in this recipe at all remains to be seen)
I soaked them for half an hour, before rinsing them thoroughly as instructed.
But, thing is, peanuts are greasy, they excrete grease, so drying them proved tricky, as I was trying to go by the recipes instructions which called for them to be dry.
“How dry?” You may ask, WFK. But soggy peanuts do not a dry do.
Blending them actually went better than I thought, thank god. Looks clumpy here but it broke up easily (like my ex haaaaaa)
I went on to add dry ingredients, including the salt I’d just spent an hour pouring down the drain.
(Sorry about the manky card, I haven't used my Superdrug card sinceI found out I should just shoplift I was about 17).
I had to make a well. I’m a guttersnipe and don’t know what this means… luckily Jack specified it’s a kind of hole.
Lyyyyyykkke a fanny m’lord?
I poured warm water and oil into my fanny (as usual)
The dough was so unworkable, and I can say wholeheartedly I really did try.
The recipe says to knead for ‘a few minutes’ and I tell you fraus, I did this with all my might for at least fifteen minutes before I ended up with this:
It was so dense and stiff (like my ex haaaaaa) and really hard to knead.
She says you should be able to poke a hole in it and see it spring back.
It didn’t do this, even after a lot of kneading, it was the texture of slightly dry salt dough.
I could actually make a sad face in it.
I was done with trying harder than guest ever has in her life, so used @Walkdengirl ‘s recommended method of proving, as my whole flat is colder than a witch’s tit.
In the wretched thing went, and the method did seem to work really well! I’ll be using it in the future, so thank you Tenderheart.
The rise was much better than I was expecting.
Although it must be said, if I had gone full throttle and used guest’s suggested method I might have set my flat on fire.
I had to apparently cut it once down the middle, with a deep cm cut, I’ve never done with bread before.
I thought it would probably end up looking like a vag, that was optimistic.
Yeah… prolapse.
At this point it did actually smell quite nice, and was hollow to a thumping after the recommended 40 minutes, so I was uncharacteristically hopeful.
Seems cooked!
Thing is, I can’t really show you this through photos, it was awful.
Cakey, it certainly was not.
It was brittle, crumbled everywhere as soon as you touched it. it was so dense, as soon as you pinched it, it was like soggy dough again (I’ve seen enough Great British Bake Off to know that’s not good), it’s very crunchy too.
How on earth this is meant to resemble soft cake and/or bread I don’t know.
Initial taste is just this awful, overwhelming bitterness (like my ex haaaaa) and then you get hints of Wholemeal bread, then rancid bitterness again.
It also stinks, I had to chuck it straight in the outside bin because it was turning my stomach, after I ate a couple of slices my whole mouth was claggy and dry. It felt very uncomfortable and I was drinking lime cordial and sparkling water glass after glass, I still felt like I could feel and taste the bread in my mouth hours later.
I’ll post the other half of this, including ratings later, but I have to say somehow this bread was more disgusting than the blended chicken I made.
Please give me a chance to compose myself, then I’ll post the other half of this xxx
I made the ‘Cakey Goodness Bread’ from Cooking on a Bootstrap (NOT shoestring) and the ‘Chicken Butter’ from Good Food for Bad Days.
So, the long and boring tale of this Slopalong includes me getting all the ingredients from my usual ‘big Sainsbury’s’ (that I drive to), then realising I had forgotten peanuts, so I got them from my rubbish and higher priced local Tesco (I live in the city centre, seriously though the ‘local Tesco’ shops hiking up prices can eat a pumple).
However, I based the costings on said ‘usual shop’, which is very fair of me tbf.
Wholemeal plain flour was something I would never usually buy (and was pretty expensive), guest lists it as just that with no mention of it being bread flour. The recipe uses plain white flour, not bread, which I was sceptical about.
I considered using Wholemeal bread flour, as I felt like that would give this recipe a fighting chance, but then thought that I probably shouldn’t be trying to help guest out, as shitty councils are somewhat of a sore subject to me currently.
So, fuck you Jack, no dice.
Anyway, I did have most of the ingredients in, although I got new yeast as I realised mine was expired, but I don’t feel generous about costing, so based it all on the cheapest you can get from Sainsbury’s as the big shop I
The first step of ridding salted peanuts of their saltiness ended up taking longer than I thought.
Incidentally, I did think I could buy unsalted peanuts on the cheap locally as my area is very multicultural, so raw ingredients can be bought in bulk for a really good price, but salted peanuts from supermarkets like Tesco are cheaper as it turns out. So fair enough there guest (why they’re in this recipe at all remains to be seen)
I soaked them for half an hour, before rinsing them thoroughly as instructed.
But, thing is, peanuts are greasy, they excrete grease, so drying them proved tricky, as I was trying to go by the recipes instructions which called for them to be dry.
“How dry?” You may ask, WFK. But soggy peanuts do not a dry do.
Blending them actually went better than I thought, thank god. Looks clumpy here but it broke up easily (like my ex haaaaaa)
I went on to add dry ingredients, including the salt I’d just spent an hour pouring down the drain.
(Sorry about the manky card, I haven't used my Superdrug card since
I had to make a well. I’m a guttersnipe and don’t know what this means… luckily Jack specified it’s a kind of hole.
Lyyyyyykkke a fanny m’lord?
I poured warm water and oil into my fanny (as usual)
The dough was so unworkable, and I can say wholeheartedly I really did try.
The recipe says to knead for ‘a few minutes’ and I tell you fraus, I did this with all my might for at least fifteen minutes before I ended up with this:
It was so dense and stiff (like my ex haaaaaa) and really hard to knead.
She says you should be able to poke a hole in it and see it spring back.
It didn’t do this, even after a lot of kneading, it was the texture of slightly dry salt dough.
I could actually make a sad face in it.
I was done with trying harder than guest ever has in her life, so used @Walkdengirl ‘s recommended method of proving, as my whole flat is colder than a witch’s tit.
In the wretched thing went, and the method did seem to work really well! I’ll be using it in the future, so thank you Tenderheart.
The rise was much better than I was expecting.
Although it must be said, if I had gone full throttle and used guest’s suggested method I might have set my flat on fire.
I had to apparently cut it once down the middle, with a deep cm cut, I’ve never done with bread before.
I thought it would probably end up looking like a vag, that was optimistic.
Yeah… prolapse.
At this point it did actually smell quite nice, and was hollow to a thumping after the recommended 40 minutes, so I was uncharacteristically hopeful.
Seems cooked!
Thing is, I can’t really show you this through photos, it was awful.
Cakey, it certainly was not.
It was brittle, crumbled everywhere as soon as you touched it. it was so dense, as soon as you pinched it, it was like soggy dough again (I’ve seen enough Great British Bake Off to know that’s not good), it’s very crunchy too.
How on earth this is meant to resemble soft cake and/or bread I don’t know.
Initial taste is just this awful, overwhelming bitterness (like my ex haaaaa) and then you get hints of Wholemeal bread, then rancid bitterness again.
It also stinks, I had to chuck it straight in the outside bin because it was turning my stomach, after I ate a couple of slices my whole mouth was claggy and dry. It felt very uncomfortable and I was drinking lime cordial and sparkling water glass after glass, I still felt like I could feel and taste the bread in my mouth hours later.
I’ll post the other half of this, including ratings later, but I have to say somehow this bread was more disgusting than the blended chicken I made.
Please give me a chance to compose myself, then I’ll post the other half of this xxx
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wintercynic
Chatty Member
This has really fucked me off today. Watching the slopalong is very amusing until you see that out in the wild, people are still recommending her - this is in a disability FB group.
Knit one Pearl one
VIP Member
A bonus treat for you. The 'sauce' in action, after simmering for 30 minutes.
I'm sure I can hear it slop.
I'm sure I can hear it slop.
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MancBee
VIP Member
I was going to write up my notes about the peach drizzle cake recipe that I made for the thread, but time is just not my friend at the moment. My OH (still here etc etc) said why don't I just post the pictures, they tell the whole story. So a brief overview followed by pictures it is.
I stuck to the recipe to the letter, no variation whatsoever. The cake mixture looked OK until I added the peaches. The peach to cake ratio was way out.
It started to bake OK, but then it sort of erupted and jelly like mixture bubbled out.
The cake fell to bits, tasted absolutely disgusting, a sort of slimy over sweet strange taste, with a horrible aftertaste. Why does all her food have a nasty aftertaste? It ended in the bin.
Anyways here are the pictures, behind a spoiler as there's lots. For some reason I can't put them behind a spoiler...so enjoy.
ETA Can a mod spoiler the pics please?
I stuck to the recipe to the letter, no variation whatsoever. The cake mixture looked OK until I added the peaches. The peach to cake ratio was way out.
It started to bake OK, but then it sort of erupted and jelly like mixture bubbled out.
The cake fell to bits, tasted absolutely disgusting, a sort of slimy over sweet strange taste, with a horrible aftertaste. Why does all her food have a nasty aftertaste? It ended in the bin.
Anyways here are the pictures, behind a spoiler as there's lots. For some reason I can't put them behind a spoiler...so enjoy.
ETA Can a mod spoiler the pics please?
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Falkor
VIP Member
Thread title by @MavisBeacon nominated by @traumatised sideboard - you win your choice of any of the slops cooked in thread 2.
For those who've stumbled on this thread by accident, it's a spin-off of the Jack Monroe threads where Tattlers are cooking their way through Jack's seven cookbooks in a vain attempt to find one edible recipe that works without tweaking. We're not doing well so far... Links to all the slops are in the Wiki on the Slopalong page.
Carry on slopping, everyone!
For those who've stumbled on this thread by accident, it's a spin-off of the Jack Monroe threads where Tattlers are cooking their way through Jack's seven cookbooks in a vain attempt to find one edible recipe that works without tweaking. We're not doing well so far... Links to all the slops are in the Wiki on the Slopalong page.
Carry on slopping, everyone!
FlirtyThirty
VIP Member
Quoting myself like a ninny to say there’s quite a lot of variations on aubergine and red lentil curry’s but only Jack calls hers a vindaloo.
This is what makes a vindaloo sauce by the way:
Jacks didn’t use any of those things. Note especially the COCONUT MILK. Other recipes recommend a tin of tomatoes because YOU NEED THE ACTUAL LIQUID, not just Jacks imaginary slop.
Seriously she’s an insult to food.
Oh and I found her recipe on her website and look at the picture and compare it to mine. HA.
You can barely even see my poor aubergine and where are all her fucking onions and garlic lumps?!
Rage.
lurkerfrau
Active member
Ugh. Had the worst heartburn of my life at 4am. Lardy buns, we are not friends.
lurkerfrau
Active member
It’s slop o’clock, slop fans!
Today I’m baking Lardy Buns, which just so happens to be my new pet name for myself. I’ve gone with the recipe from Cooking On A Bootstrap which favours plain flour and yeast, as opposed to variations online where she unfathomably uses both self raising AND yeast. I want this recipe to actually work so I’m going for what appears to be the more sensible version.
I had everything except the lard which was 41p
Today I’m baking Lardy Buns, which just so happens to be my new pet name for myself. I’ve gone with the recipe from Cooking On A Bootstrap which favours plain flour and yeast, as opposed to variations online where she unfathomably uses both self raising AND yeast. I want this recipe to actually work so I’m going for what appears to be the more sensible version.
I had everything except the lard which was 41p
She starts off by blooming her yeast in warm water before adding it to the ingredients. Seems a bit of an arse about tit way of doing it. Why not just add it to the dry ingredients and then add the warm water to the bowl like you would in any other recipe? Unnecessary faffing.
Made my well which she explains is a “sort of hole”. So helpful. So forensic.
Then I added the yeast water, butter and lard. So, so much lard. And the rest of the water to get a dough.
It did smell nice and cinamonny at this point but I honestly can’t emphasis how much of this mass is just pure lard. I did some kneading and the dough came together nice and easily. Felt springy, as she described. At this stage, it’s all quite orokising
Back in the bowl and left to prove, covered over and left somewhere warm. The instructions are much better than the woeful proving instructions that went with the horrendous courgette bread.
Here it is before proving.
And after - she says to leave it for an hour or until doubled in size. It probably took
Then it’s time to form the buns by rolling the dough out, cutting into strips and rolling up.
The recipe is meant to make six buns but as you can see, I got a couple of wee ones too. She then says you can brush with egg if you want. I am a fancy gal so I did some brushing and it’s just as well, because the next instruction is to sprinkle with sugar and without the egg wash, I can’t see how the sugar would cost the buns. They aren’t particularly sticky to touch.
The recipe calls for 50g of sugar - this is so much sugar to sprinkle on this many buns, but what do I know?
So much sugar.
Into the oven they go
Made my well which she explains is a “sort of hole”. So helpful. So forensic.
Then I added the yeast water, butter and lard. So, so much lard. And the rest of the water to get a dough.
It did smell nice and cinamonny at this point but I honestly can’t emphasis how much of this mass is just pure lard. I did some kneading and the dough came together nice and easily. Felt springy, as she described. At this stage, it’s all quite orokising
Back in the bowl and left to prove, covered over and left somewhere warm. The instructions are much better than the woeful proving instructions that went with the horrendous courgette bread.
Here it is before proving.
And after - she says to leave it for an hour or until doubled in size. It probably took
Then it’s time to form the buns by rolling the dough out, cutting into strips and rolling up.
The recipe is meant to make six buns but as you can see, I got a couple of wee ones too. She then says you can brush with egg if you want. I am a fancy gal so I did some brushing and it’s just as well, because the next instruction is to sprinkle with sugar and without the egg wash, I can’t see how the sugar would cost the buns. They aren’t particularly sticky to touch.
Into the oven they go
Some early investigations revealed they were quite underdone in the middle so I stuck them back in for a bit. The resulting buns are a bit overdone on the outside but at least the lardy innards are cooked through.
taste test to follow…
taste test to follow…
Winthropp Tuesday
VIP Member
The fat/flour/sugar ratio is all to cock in that recipe, so no wonder they turned out as they did. I know there are lots of different cake/sponge pudding recipes out there but as a rule, it's usually always the same amount of all dry ingredients plus however many eggs.
So for that recipe, it should be 100g each of flour/fat/sugar plus the two eggs. The other way to do it to make it work would be to weigh the two eggs in their shells and then weigh out the same amount of flour/fat/sugar (so if your eggs weigh 107g each for instance, then the same weight of your flour, fat, sugar)
Cutting the fat/sugar isn't being economical, it's spoiling the ship for a ha'porth of tar - no wonder you ended up with rubbery biscuits... HOW CAN SHE DARE DO THIS TO FOOD AND IT GET PUBLISHED???
MavisBeacon
VIP Member
Oh my dear tender hearts THANKSPACEYOU! I am overjoyed at winning the thread title and will be wearing an ostentatious ballgown that makes my tits look weird for the awards ceremony.
Oh, I win some slop you say? In which case I'll sneak in beforehand in some unflattering traaazers and a saggy top that makes my tits look weird and then do a runner. Toot toot!
In other news, I am trying to persuade Mr Beacon to try another slop, but he is more interested in actually trying to make an edible pina colada bread, the weirdo.
Feel free to nominate a slop for us, and I'll see if I can make him go for it.
Oh, I win some slop you say? In which case I'll sneak in beforehand in some unflattering traaazers and a saggy top that makes my tits look weird and then do a runner. Toot toot!
In other news, I am trying to persuade Mr Beacon to try another slop, but he is more interested in actually trying to make an edible pina colada bread, the weirdo.
Feel free to nominate a slop for us, and I'll see if I can make him go for it.
Nottonightbabe
VIP Member
That Forensic Man
VIP Member
Thought I'd give a few more simple recipes a go
Peanut butter hot chocolate
cookingonabootstrap.com
I used the microwave method for this one, had to buy the chocolate and peanut butter but would normally have these in so it should've been completely free.
It says to first microwave the water (50ml), chocolate (3 squares) and peanut butter (1 heaped tbsp) for 20 seconds but doesn't say on what setting so I just went with high (900W).
Then stir, add half the milk (75 of 150ml) and nuke it for another 20 seconds (again assumed high).
Then repeat for the other half of the milk (so 60 seconds total).
At this point it should be done but was barely warm, nowhere near hot chocolate temp. So I put it in for another 40 seconds.
The drink itself is a solid 3 - middle class, very heavy on the peanut butter to chocolate ratio for my tastes, nothing special to warrant inhalation. Can't call it terrible despite missing instructions and not enough heating time.
When she calls it peanut butter hot chocolate she means it. I'd probably double the chocolate to balance it back out, while increasing the volume to a proper mug full 300+ml.
It makes 200ml so the pic of a full Denby mug which would be 300-350ml or at least50-75% 344% more than this to be taking liberties. The mug was of course found in a charity shop for 75p, as discussed in the comments.
The recipe states "makes one mug, easily, dangerously doubled" but it doesn't make 'one mug easily' Jack you prick.
This one isn't even costed so not sure why she decided to make a tiny portion again. But it's probably because at ~300 calories for 200ml it's more calorific than almost all of the actual meals we've tried!
I'd be interested in seeing the book volume @Notmycat (A Year in 120 Recipes)
Microwave mini egg hot chocolate
cookingonabootstrap.com
This one just needs 8 mini eggs and 200ml milk (small portion again, big surprise) but I can't find mini eggs in November for love nor money. I even checked Cadbury puddings, cake bars and cakes to salvage them but no luck.
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).
Peanut butter hot chocolate
PEANUT BUTTER HOT CHOCOLATE
Sometimes I make things that I love so much, I savour them slowly, wondering how I’ll ever bring myself to eat anything else again. This is one of those moments – one of those silent mo…
cookingonabootstrap.com
It says to first microwave the water (50ml), chocolate (3 squares) and peanut butter (1 heaped tbsp) for 20 seconds but doesn't say on what setting so I just went with high (900W).
Then stir, add half the milk (75 of 150ml) and nuke it for another 20 seconds (again assumed high).
Then repeat for the other half of the milk (so 60 seconds total).
At this point it should be done but was barely warm, nowhere near hot chocolate temp. So I put it in for another 40 seconds.
The drink itself is a solid 3 - middle class, very heavy on the peanut butter to chocolate ratio for my tastes, nothing special to warrant inhalation. Can't call it terrible despite missing instructions and not enough heating time.
When she calls it peanut butter hot chocolate she means it. I'd probably double the chocolate to balance it back out, while increasing the volume to a proper mug full 300+ml.
It makes 200ml so the pic of a full Denby mug which would be 300-350ml or at least
The recipe states "makes one mug, easily, dangerously doubled" but it doesn't make 'one mug easily' Jack you prick.
This one isn't even costed so not sure why she decided to make a tiny portion again. But it's probably because at ~300 calories for 200ml it's more calorific than almost all of the actual meals we've tried!
I'd be interested in seeing the book volume @Notmycat (A Year in 120 Recipes)
Microwave mini egg hot chocolate
Microwave mini egg hot chocolate
cookingonabootstrap.com
This one says half power for 60 seconds x3 which sounds a little low again.
But if I can find some mini eggs I'll give this a go (the things I do for the canal eh).
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Nottonightbabe
VIP Member
Gentlemensrelish
Chatty Member
Thought you were still talking about your mum for a minute there. Bit harsh.
threetintender
Active member
Here is my mea culpa, ninnies. I’m condemned to wasting food in the form of Chicken Liver Bolognaise. I haven’t made it yet because I can’t find any sodding chicken livers anywhere near. I have just remembered that there is a farm shop / butchery about 12 miles away 
but I’m not driving there just for chicken livers so will wait for a bit (until pay day) when I can pick up some other stuff for Christmas as well. Watch this space / bin.
but I’m not driving there just for chicken livers so will wait for a bit (until pay day) when I can pick up some other stuff for Christmas as well. Watch this space / bin.