Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

HotesTilaire · Jan 10, 2023

I don’t think I’ve ever cooked anything at gas mark 3!
40 mins on a low-medium heat
https://giphy.com/dILrAu24mU729pxPYN
A cursory look at Google shows baked oats recipes usually contain an egg…has someone tried to sub lemon curd for an egg?

kachoochoo · Jan 10, 2023

addendum

ive washed up, put everything away and there's some weird fucking gunk still in my sink and I am fully blaming the boring old coke hag

ChickenPorridge · Jan 10, 2023

kachoochoo said:
yup, this is the recipe which specifies 60g of oats for 2 servings. i genuinely did think it would turn out dry and crusty, instead of how it did - bland slop and a massive waste of raspberries (i don't do most fruit and veg but I love raspberries)

View attachment 1870157

also here's me packing up the leftovers for our brekky tomorrow. and it looks so much worse somehow!

it tastes of nothing!!

View attachment 1870168

Looks absolutely vile. The best looking part of the whole thing was undoubtedly your homemade lemon curd - which I will be giving a go (I've got a lemon tree*! Fancy! Always meaning to try lemon recipes).

*ETA I should say it's really my LANDLORD'S, not mine. I RENT!

That Forensic Man · Jan 10, 2023

kachoochoo said:
prefacing this with i had to make my own lemon curd due to lidl not carrying it (bbc good food recipe, pretty much "melt butter, lemon and sugar together, then beat in an egg")

and i haven't weighed anything, I'm using the vague rule of thumb that a tbsp is around 25g/1oz

I've halved the amounts of everything, tbh, cos i don't want to waste too much

here we go

ingredients assembled, including the homemade lemon curd that does not perform well (but that's on me)

View attachment 1869924

oats, actually i forgot to halve this, this is 4 tbsp of oats, still kinda meagre, no? the recipe calls for 60g of oats for 2. yikes
View attachment 1869930

YOGHURT

View attachment 1869935

assembled and ive never been more embarrassed in my whole life by the abject failure of my lemon curd (this is not jack's fault)

View attachment 1869953
but this is still after 50 mins at 160

gonna try some now

fuck me

i really thought it'd be a solid one, but it is in fact a WET* one!

View attachment 1869999

(*shout out to ma girl john whaite's barmaid pal that time on strictly who screamed "I'M WET!!!" in response to one of his dances in the final)

as with everything that gets a big buildup it's just so blah

bland af, it needs sugar badly. well, it mostly tastes of raspberries and a bit of lemon

I'm just glad that it didn't end up as a hard one, i couldn't have coped with that

in conclusion, put whatever you fucking like in porridge, don't try to make this

Now that's a proper Jackslop!
What is your rating dear heart?

0 - Dog shit
1- Dire
2 - Terrible
3 - Middle class
4 - Inhale greedily
5 - Ovary groaner
S - Stolen

kachoochoo · Jan 10, 2023

That Forensic Man said:
Now that's a proper Jackslop!
What is your rating dear heart?

0 - Dog shit
1- Dire
2 - Terrible
3 - Middle class
4 - Inhale greedily
5 - Ovary groaner
S - Stolen

oh it's a dire 1 absolutely x

Lazarus · Jan 10, 2023

@kachoochoo did you and your buttered tenderstem have this for breakfast today?

kachoochoo · Jan 11, 2023

Lazarus said:
@kachoochoo did you and your buttered tenderstem have this for breakfast today?

we ended up having it this morning

mr kcc's review was as follows

"insipid"
"needed half a kilo of sugar"
"bit of a faff for not much reward"

which, lbr, sums up a lot of jack's repertoire

Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn · Jan 11, 2023

@Notmycat Im going to attempt the ‘Placenta Pudding’ (Berry Bread Pudding). I’ve got your screenshot of the recipe. It says you can add sugar - see tip. The tip talks about custard. Is there another page with a tip of how much sugar to add? Otherwise I’m going to make it as stated no sugar. Am scared. But I do live near one of the filming locations of Call the Midwife so maybe it won’t be all bad.

Notmycat · Jan 11, 2023

Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn said:
@Notmycat Im going to attempt the ‘Placenta Pudding’ (Berry Bread Pudding). I’ve got your screenshot of the recipe. It says you can add sugar - see tip. The tip talks about custard. Is there another page with a tip of how much sugar to add? Otherwise I’m going to make it as stated no sugar. Am scared. But I do live near one of the filming locations of Call the Midwife so maybe it won’t be all bad.

Ive just gone thru the ebook forensically, do you want me to stop breathing???

That said while it does refer in the recipe to a tip about sugar, there is no tip in the ebook about sugar at all, so I wish you well, godspeed my friend. Ill write messages on twitter about how you are getting on in ICU and use that as a reason not to fulfil my paetron

kachoochoo · Jan 11, 2023

Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn said:
@Notmycat Im going to attempt the ‘Placenta Pudding’ (Berry Bread Pudding). I’ve got your screenshot of the recipe. It says you can add sugar - see tip. The tip talks about custard. Is there another page with a tip of how much sugar to add? Otherwise I’m going to make it as stated no sugar. Am scared. But I do live near one of the filming locations of Call the Midwife so maybe it won’t be all bad.

take it from me - ADD SUGAR

mr kcc's final thoughts on the oats were

"no criticism on you, but it wasn't visually appealing. it looked like someone had been ill"

GladysMcHaggis · Jan 11, 2023

HotesTilaire said:
I don’t think I’ve ever cooked anything at gas mark 3!
40 mins on a low-medium heat
https://giphy.com/dILrAu24mU729pxPYN
A cursory look at Google shows baked oats recipes usually contain an egg…has someone tried to sub lemon curd for an egg?

Thank god it's not just me - I always thought baked oats had eggs in but hadn't googled to check!

Looked bloody rank @kachoochoo but I'm sure your lemon curd was the best bit. If it's any consolation I'm still not over the mandarin Roman Pasta.

kachoochoo · Jan 11, 2023

GladysMcHaggis said:
Thank god it's not just me - I always thought baked oats had eggs in but hadn't googled to check!

Looked bloody rank @kachoochoo but I'm sure your lemon curd was the best bit. If it's any consolation I'm still not over the mandarin Roman Pasta.

nope, no egg except the one in the lemon curd

i really don't understand why ppl keep saying my lemon curd was the best bit... it was liquid, not even a curd!

OH!!!

against the backdrop of the oats, i suppose it might have been ok

for me, the raspberries and then the added sugar to make it palatable were the best bits

Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn · Jan 12, 2023

OH has just come home early. He knows nothing of this site and nothing of Jack, he doesn’t really do social media.

He’s looked in the oven and asked why I’ve got a placenta cooking in there

Berry Bread Pudding (aka Placenta Pudding)
I made this for a dinner party for 12 strangers, having travelled all day with the main course held in my bare hands as I’ve no money for a rucksack. When I arrived at the party I realised I had left the pudding at home in my kitchen 300 miles away. I had taken several trains, a pedalo and a zip wire to get here so couldn’t go back and retrieve the pudding. Whilst pondering all this I happened to step in a puddle and lo and behold a bag of frozen berries and a loaf of bread were bobbing gently in the puddle. Hallelujah the day had been saved.
Or
I had bread and frozen berries in the freezer

Ingredients
400g frozen mixed berries
8 slices cheap white bread
Spread for greasing

instructions
Cook the berries in a saucepan over a medium heat for 15 minutes don’t let it boil. Cut the bread on to quarters then each quarter in to quarters. It’s a lot of bread. So so much bread.

then add the bread pieces to the saucepan. So much bread!

leave to soak for 15 minutes

put in a greased 20cm tin she says to pour out excess juice there wasn’t any bake for 40 minutes

The pudding tastes absolutely disgusting. I stuck to the original recipe and didn’t add any sugar. Im
Not sure sugar would save it. The texture is both gloopy and solid at the same time The flavour is just weird. Kind of bready and stodgy with a weird aftertaste. Not exactly bitter like I was expecting. Just weird. I can’t quite explain it. OH won’t go anywhere near it. Unicorn offspring who will normally eat pretty much anything poked it and won’t even try a tiny bit.

MavisBeacon · Jan 12, 2023

Jaysus that looks absolutely revolting. My sympathies.

zetta buttons · Jan 12, 2023

Wtf. Berries and bread, baked?

Is there a picture of what she thinks it should look like?

wintercynic · Jan 12, 2023

Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn said:
OH has just come home early. He knows nothing of this site and nothing of Jack, he doesn’t really do social media.

He’s looked in the oven and asked why I’ve got a placenta cooking in there

Berry Bread Pudding (aka Placenta Pudding)
I made this for a dinner party for 12 strangers, having travelled all day with the main course held in my bare hands as I’ve no money for a rucksack. When I arrived at the party I realised I had left the pudding at home in my kitchen 300 miles away. I had taken several trains, a pedalo and a zip wire to get here so couldn’t go back and retrieve the pudding. Whilst pondering all this I happened to step in a puddle and lo and behold a bag of frozen berries and a loaf of bread were bobbing gently in the puddle. Hallelujah the day had been saved.
Or
I had bread and frozen berries in the freezer

Ingredients
400g frozen mixed berries
8 slices cheap white bread
Spread for greasing
View attachment 1876703

instructions
Cook the berries in a saucepan over a medium heat for 15 minutes don’t let it boil. Cut the bread on to quarters then each quarter in to quarters. It’s a lot of bread. So so much bread.
View attachment 1876710 View attachment 1876712

then add the bread pieces to the saucepan. So much bread!
View attachment 1876713

leave to soak for 15 minutes View attachment 1876714

put in a greased 20cm tin she says to pour out excess juice there wasn’t any bake for 40 minutes View attachment 1876715
View attachment 1876720

The pudding tastes absolutely disgusting. I stuck to the original recipe and didn’t add any sugar. Im
Not sure sugar would save it. The texture is both gloopy and solid at the same time The flavour is just weird. Kind of bready and stodgy with a weird aftertaste. Not exactly bitter like I was expecting. Just weird. I can’t quite explain it. OH won’t go anywhere near it. Unicorn offspring who will normally eat pretty much anything poked it and won’t even try a tiny bit.

I think the thing my cat puked up last week looked more appetising and that regurgitation had a mouse tail visible.

Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn · Jan 12, 2023

Not sure if the video will work. A lovely sound effect of the placenta. Only for the brave. You have been warned!

Toffee finger · Jan 12, 2023

Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn said:
Not sure if the video will work. A lovely sound effect of the placenta. Only for the brave. You have been warned!

LJC why did I look?! Well done for being brave enough to make it

Gl1tt3rUn1c0rn · Jan 12, 2023

zetta buttons said:
Wtf. Berries and bread, baked?

Is there a picture of what she thinks it should look like?

This is what it should look like, my attempt is not far off that.

Just to note I’ve donated my time and various food items to a local charity. I won’t name it as it’s

Blurp · Jan 12, 2023

It looks like a mashup between summer pudding and bread and butter pudding but arsed up as usual. Summer pudding has a higher berry to bread ratio as well as sugar, and bread and butter pudding has custard for moisture (I make an ace B&BP with stollen and homemade custard). I'm sure that something could be done with the idea but not in the mad pixie-botherer's hands.

Slopalong #3 She doesn't understand beans

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