Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

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Valiofthedolls

SocksMagoo said:
@Valiofthedolls the warning on the tinfoil had me and ing. Chapeau!
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I’m not going to mention it to my Old Harold, I’m just going to wait til he sees it and wonders why I’ve started leaving passive aggressive messages that treat him like an imbecile.

(Once I know he’s definitely seen the foil message, if he doesn’t say anything, I might up the ante by sticking messages elsewhere, like on the Persil saying “Laundry detergent: Do not put on cornflakes. WARNED”, or “Plastic bag: Do not put in oven. WARNED”.

I’m already figuring out how often I can sneak into everyday conversation that a well is “a sort of hole”)

He’s a lucky, lucky man.
 
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definitelynotvlad

This has made me genuinely cry with laughter, I was deceased at COLLEAGUES YOU SHALL NOT CROSS and read the rest from the afterlife. Thankyou for all you do, tender one xx
 
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Walkdengirl

That is truly awful, apart from the fact it's not a curry it's also so deficient in calories as to be dangerous. There is no way that would fill you even with added rice. You would be hungry in next to no time
 
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VeniVidiVicki

I mean, in one way, I don’t know why we’re surprised that all her recipes are shit and a massive fraud given that everything else she says she does is shit and a massive fraud. I suppose I had a small flickering hope that there was a reason for her success but that has now been snuffed out.

I feel a poem coming on.
 
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Walkdengirl

It makes me very angry that she has a voice and a book deal. When we were really hard up it wasn't that I couldn't cook, but I didn't have anything in the cupboard to cook! She has never been in that position ever, and she never will.

If I'd made any of these terrible recipes at that time I don't know what I would have done when it turned out inedible as I just couldn't afford to waste any food. I would have probably had to force it down and make something else for my husband and the kids.

ContentCrunch said:
Does she mean that awful fry lite emulsion in a spray bottle ~1cal per squirt but you need 25 squirts and it goes off in about a week.
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And it takes the non stick off your pans!
 
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SocksMagoo

Valiofthedolls said:
I’m not going to mention it to my Old Harold, I’m just going to wait til he sees it and wonders why I’ve started leaving passive aggressive messages that treat him like an imbecile.
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The thought of this has proper tickled me You must report back his reaction
 
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That Forensic Man

Full disclosure I just ate the whole Viennetta
It was alright but nothing to rant and rave about
Rating: 3 - Middle class
 
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Valiofthedolls

That Forensic Man said:
Full disclosure I just ate the whole Viennetta
It was alright but nothing to rant and rave about
Rating: 3 - Middle class
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But did you blend it with the juice from a tin of mandarins and the oil saved from a can of mackerel? Because if not, I think you might be doing Vienetta wrong.
 
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ChocolateMuffin

I should have said that I've made this back in the day, before her shiny eye and my eyes opening. Terrible. I pretended it was great due to being known as a rampant cookaholicwasteymucho (I have 2 portions of 5 day old kabanos and broad bean, erm, 'chilli' rotting away in the fridge as I type) I left it at the back of the fridge where it unfortunately got encased in an iceblock and had to be hacked out and binned on the unfreezing the fukt fridge day of 2020.
 
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dickanddom

It’s truly awful and I’m sorry that you had to go through this too. Perhaps a note about post-slop rehydration should be added to the end of the recipe, as well as a health and safety warning. Loving the work poster and the accidental SPATULAE pics.
 
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Valiofthedolls

Edit to spoiler cos it got long and I didn’t realize, sorry.
I feel like we’ve been bonded together by scalding salty horror, but in hindsight looking at yours again, a cursory glance at the recipes on BBC shit food and her blog show that apart from the scalding six minute oily cook, there are as usual differences in ingredients and method. (Making it all about me like our smol one, but) Thank fuck I didn’t see that milk was an option and decide to go full on Thunderdome with the risk of food poisoning by soaking my work pasta in milk for hours, then scalding myself with boiling milk before ingesting repugnant oily creamy saltiness.

@dickanddom BBC shite food version October 2015


Jack’s blog, also 2015, but in March, when she’d “given up her oven for Lent”. Because nothing quite exemplifies the 40 Days’ Temptation of Christ in the desert by Satan like performatively microwaving stinky inedible slop in the cluttered kitchen of Leggy’s big West London house for weeks on end while reminding people not to microwave metal.


March 2015

Marmite mac-n-cheese in a mug, 36p (MICROWAVE)

Friends will know that my Marmite obsession is almost as out of control as my peanut butter obsession. In leaner times, I would substitute Marmite, which was well out of my budget range, for a past…
cookingonabootstrap.com
October 2015

Microwave mac ’n’ cheese recipe | Good Food

Pasta, pronto! Jack Monroe's easiest ever macaroni and cheese makes a delicious solo supper or packed lunch – just pop it in the microwave at work
www.bbcgoodfood.com
Also, there is nothing nutritious about this. I think I’d just go for a pot noodle and not risk life, limb and my fingerprints (though I think I might now know why Essex PoPo never found the culprits for ‘asbestos fingers’ Jack’s burglaries or the culprits for the burglars’ return of bikes and DEAD immigrant Le Creuset).
I’m not sure how we could do this, but I’d love it if we could somehow calculate all the money we’ve collectively wasted on the ingredients for these inedible/repulsive “meals” and treats (cakes etc beyond your 3 meals a day) Eg £350 total cost for X recipes, X number of which (one at this time, the Shskshuka) are actually worth repeating/edible/suitable to feed yourself or your family.

Including what’s in our “larders” and costed for how much it costs to buy the fucking oil/herbs/spices in the first place and then the amount used, not the fucking bullshit cost of Marmite that you take a teaspoon to Asda so they can fill 1/2 of your teaspoon with 3p worth. Mine was inexpensive in the grand scheme of things, but between us we’ve squandered hundreds of pounds already.
 
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Madonna_Claws

Lazarus said:
Fucking hell, I want to know more about your pals!!
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They were famous-ish in the 90s 🔺️🔺️🔺️ (should have been way bigger imho but there you go) and there's all sorts of related paraphernalia in the house, as well as very distinctive curtains, wallpaper etc that anyone who's visited them may recognise.

I also don't want them to know I am conducting nefarious food experiments while they are away and thus have access to a proper cooker, plus I don't know how to work the extractor fan... Whilst I suspect the recipe will end up slop(py), it ~ought~ to be edible. Famous last words and all that...

Quick update: there's STILL a hint of a lingering honk of bastard sardines. Pilchards are nicer, and at least they taste of something. Really. For the fishcakes, just use spuds and pilchards (plus the tomato sauce they come in) - that's all you need, no lemon juice, no parsley, and NO OIL as that's what made them slimy. I'm hardly Delia Smith myself (wrong football name for starters) butTWAT OFF Jack, you hopeless bint.
 
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ChocolateMuffin

I am sure everyone can donate to a local food bank if they want.
 
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hoopdedoo

Clearly @Tabitha D 's version is fake because she cut the mushrooms in half. If she had left them whole, just as Saint Jack of the Kitchen has decreed, her curry would be the proper size and would also be RED.
 
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HotesTilaire

We need smellovision for this episode of through’t keyhole
 
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Witchfinder Sargeant

Geetbo said:
Incredibly I think she is even worse at baking than cooking.

Most of the slops are shit but probably edible. The cakes are just claggy bricks.
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She has no understanding of baking, which is a science, not an art. You need precise mixtures of ingredients or your cake turns into a brick. She doesn't understand and doesn't care to educate herself, she just comes out with any old bollocks and calls it done.

Cake mix is designed to be cooked following the pack instructions, you can't just stir it into a can of custard and expect the same results.

If you're making a vegan cake you can't just swap out the apple sauce egg replacement for marmalade, just because they're both made out of fruit and sugar.

She's ignorant and careless and isn't interested in the end result, partly because she hates food and partly because she's cooking down to a price point and not up to a standard, so everything gets stripped down to the bare bones, she doesn't understand why ingredient X is there but if she leaves it in it means the end result is too expensive so out it goes, too bad you've just spent your last £2.50 on the ingredients for what you hoped would be a nice birthday cake for your child, she doesn't give a tuppeny fuck and it makes me so angry.
 
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House of Carbonara

Walkdengirl said:
That is truly awful, apart from the fact it's not a curry it's also so deficient in calories as to be dangerous. There is no way that would fill you even with added rice. You would be hungry in next to no time
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This! Suddenly realised that she *knows* her portions are ridiculous - didn't she post, not so long ago, that she had to have porridge after having her dinner because 75g of pasta and half a courgette is not enough for an adult? Disingenuous t*at.
Also curious about what kind of mushrooms she used - those in the pic look like shiitake, drowned in sieved tomato sauce. She wouldn't stage fake pics now, surely??
 
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