I did not. I touched it with the spoon. It gave me the boak. It wasn’t even off the heat more than a couple of minutes and decided to get a nice wee slimy coat on.
I did not. I touched it with the spoon. It gave me the boak. It wasn’t even off the heat more than a couple of minutes and decided to get a nice wee slimy coat on.Oh @EllaEm87 I can smell it from here.
Did you prod the skin with your finger? It looks like the portal to an unknown universe, one that makes a weird, distorted sci-fi sound...
Would you say overall a 1 - dire? Also very well slopped!Oh hell's teeth. I did manage to screw up the formatting. I am so sorry
Ratings:
Ingredients. 4. Decent ingredients. You could use the lentils, tomatoes and spices as a base for a lentil dhal and eat the mandarins for dessert.
Recipe. 2. Slightly dubious timings. Boiling anything lentil based hard for half an hour is going to render it into inedibility.
Visual appeal. 1. If you wanted to know what fake vomit looks like, here's how to make it. I often make and enjoy lentil dhal, but this is something else.
Texture. 1. It's more of a case of texture, what texture
Taste. 0, 0.5 if I am being generous. I'm not entirely sure what JM was aiming for when she concocted this recipe, but it sure wasn't taste. Take out the mandarins, seriously up the spices and cook the lentils a bit more gently and it might actually be vaguely edible. This isn't though and it's going in the bin when it's cooled down.
To be honest, the chaos formatting really added an edge to the chaos cooking. The added depth missing from sad mandarins came from HTML in the end.Oh hell's teeth. I did manage to screw up the formatting. I am so sorry
Ratings:
Ingredients. 4. Decent ingredients. You could use the lentils, tomatoes and spices as a base for a lentil dhal and eat the mandarins for dessert.
Recipe. 2. Slightly dubious timings. Boiling anything lentil based hard for half an hour is going to render it into inedibility.
Visual appeal. 1. If you wanted to know what fake vomit looks like, here's how to make it. I often make and enjoy lentil dhal, but this is something else.
Texture. 1. It's more of a case of texture, what texture
Taste. 0, 0.5 if I am being generous. I'm not entirely sure what JM was aiming for when she concocted this recipe, but it sure wasn't taste. Take out the mandarins, seriously up the spices and cook the lentils a bit more gently and it might actually be vaguely edible. This isn't though and it's going in the bin when it's cooled down.
I wouldn't even give it a 1 to be honest. That's implying there is at least an element of edibility. I would give it a 0 because quite frankly it's about as edible as dog shit.Would you say overall a 1 - dire? Also very well slopped!
It looked alright compared to Jack's version but that just shows that's not an indicator of edibility.
For the spoilers move the [/SP0ILER] to the end of that section, and the spoiler title for that section goes in the quote marks here [SP0ILER="xxxxxx"]
That was the point I reached for a bucket!"Oh wait,, it's grown a skin".
I have expired.
Well said smol one. This tagline for The Guardian writeup of the same seems a bit off "don't worry, you don't have to eat horrible ethnic ingredients!".A Treatise on Tinned Mandarins (2022), in light of recent recipes...
I found the JM variation on Feijoada (https://wiselivingmagazine.co.uk/fo...make-jack-monroes-take-on-brazilian-feijoada/) - usually a super-hearty Brazilian dish made with black beans and lots of chunks of pork and beef; the kind of thing that's actually reasonably easy to make on the cheap as it's traditionally made with cheap cuts of meat. I have Brazilian family members () who have made this for me and the important thing to understand is that it's a very solid, smoky, salty dish, and because of this it's sometimes served with slices of orange on the side to cut the denseness of the flavour.
In the JM version, the fucking tinned mandarins are cooked into the dish, boiling them down and rendering the sharpness of their citrus flavour completely useless, not to mention making an otherwise overcooked stewed meat...stew even more unpleasant*. I genuinely don't think she understands how flavours layer and work with each other. But more importantly, it is astonishing that this made it past editors, the marketing department, etc. There's some class-based thing that I can't quite articulate but where these publishing houses feel that poor people should be happy with whatever deranged combination of ingredients they're lucky to get their sad little hands on. Tinned stewing steak and mandarins? Sure!!! Imagine something like that finding it's way into something targeted at an upmarket audience.
*NB. I have not made this, I will not make this, but godspeed on any frau who wishes to attempt and prove me wrong.
She totally hates food... and is a crap cook.Right people. Here are the results of Jack's Red lentils and mandarin curry. Hopefully I haven't managed to screw up the formatting.
View attachment 1729974View attachment 1729977Part 1. The ingredients
So I went to Tesco this morning for the ingredients. The spices I already have and the marmite and vitalite are for something different. Total cost= £4.02 or £1 a portion. 26p a portion my arse.
View attachment 1730000View attachment 1730001Part 2. The lentils
The recipe said to weigh out 150g lentils, so I did. Doesn't seem like much but I haven't published 7 cookbooks so what would I know? They were then simmered vigorously for 10 mins and rinsed. Upon rinsing, the lentils that had already turned to mush ended up going down the plughole.
View attachment 1730009Part 3. In the pan.
Then I was supposed to put the lentils back in the pan, heat them up again and add the rest of the ingredients. So I did. At this point in time, it really isn't smelling that great and the dog has already disappeared from the kitchen. Usually she hangs around incase there's something for her.
View attachment 1730014Part 4. Won't somebody think of the lentils??
The whole concoction is then supposed to be cranked up on high and boiled for another 20 mins. Leaving aside how much gas it would cost for 30 mins, the lentils are about to get boiled into oblivion. Still, I am sticking to the recipe faithfully so.....
View attachment 1730025View attachment 1730029Part 5. Ding ding, time's up
Top screenshot is Jack's version, bottom photo is mine. At this point it has a smell vaguely reminiscent of my circus toilet cleaner. Interesting as that wasn't the effect I was going for but as I've had to wait half an hour for my lunch to cook, I'm getting beyond hungry. Dog still nowhere to be seen
View attachment 1730034Part 6. The proof is in the tasting
Time for a taste. Please excuse the black chunky handled spoon. Unlike JM I genuinely have RA. It's a choice between a fat hands spoon (as my kids call it) or a thin handled spoon and not being able to pick the spoon up in the first place. I didn't have any fancy backing paper but seeing as it's nearly Christmas I thought an Asda bag for life would add a festive twist. Although it looks like quite a lot, there is only 1 ladle full of curry in the bowl. The only person this is going to be a generous serving for is one of my son's lego people. Dog still nowhere to be seen. So I take a generous spoonful because I'm beyond hungry. Well fuck me this is quite possibly the most disgusting thing I have ever eaten. Somehow it has a really nasty metallic taste. I can't taste any of the chilli, turmeric, cumin or anything else. If anyone wants to know what sadness and misery tastes like it's this. Jack must really hate food or be a really crap cook. No-one in their right mind would ever think that mandarins, lentils and tomatoes would be anything other than disgusting. The only thing I can think this would be useful for would be as some of that fake vomit you used to be able to buy in joke shops.
Ratings to follow.
Holy Batman she actually says to heat the oil in the pan for her McMuffin recipe but then ruins the good advice by telling the reader to toast the muffins in the oven when doing so in a toaster would be much cheaper.JCMP please tender one x
I found a couple of fascinating recipes on that website from Veganish
"I want filth and goo, but you may think otherwise"
Indeed
The Big Jack from Vegan(ish) by Jack Monroe
Sometimes I am overcome with a sense of culinary mischief; a need to meddle in tried-and-tested popular dishes to see if I can recreate my own versions of them. This is one of those times. The usua...app.ckbk.com Breakfast MuckMuffin from Vegan(ish) by Jack Monroe
I started with a standard McMuffin as my point of reference for this recipe, thinking I would recreate the beef patty and egg in a white muffin with a slice of American cheese. It’s not where I end...app.ckbk.com
BIB - I was reading the post and thought that looks okay...Why oh whyyyy does she use the word “slop” in her recipes?! Absolutely revolting
The dog’s food definitely looks more appetising!
Bravo, but I think you may be a can adrift on your maths - I make your shopping total £7.97, which makes the mince, onion and gravy granules option look even more appealing!Right so. Mince and onions with notions, eh?
I apologise in advance. This will nowhere near be as witty as some Frauens work. I’m on my phone and it’s complicated!
View attachment 1729877
Off I went to Morrisons to collect the things I didn’t have.
There were no cheap mince and onions tins, and only one mid range. The recipe called for two so I had to go spenny.
View attachment 1729882
View attachment 1729885
View attachment 1729886
Total cost to buy the ingredients I didn’t have was £5.48
View attachment 1729887
So the slopping began. And Frauen, this really was slopping.
The recipe told me to fling everything in a pan. There was no mention of stirring but stir I did, because I am not a criminal. I did question the logic of adding more onions when onions are already present but who am I to judge?
View attachment 1729893View attachment 1729894
View attachment 1729895
View attachment 1729896
Then we had the slow simmer for 20 minutes. The only thing I can take from this is that something definitely reduced, but it wasn’t the amount of liquid. I could see very little in the way of solids in this pan.
Just looked like gravy tbh. Smelt overpoweringly of red wine.
View attachment 1729898
So, it’s cooked! I’m ready to eat! Let me just prepare some bread… oh wait…
It’s grown a skin. Nice.
View attachment 1729906
I power on and plate up. Here’s the finished product!
View attachment 1729909Shit sorry, that’s the dogs food. More visible texture though.
Whoops. HERE is the finished product:
View attachment 1729912
It just resembles watery slop. Same consistency too.
So, taste? Overpoweringly of red wine, with a bitter after taste. I couldn’t manage more than a couple of teaspoonfuls. DIRE.
And it struck me as such a waste. Mince, onions and gravy granules comes to around £5, which is cheaper than this shite, and more substantial. What planet is this woman on? This is literal slop. And why add red wine? It totally drowns out any other potential flavour in the dish. Honestly, grim.
Charity payment incoming. Slop outgoing (to the bin)
It would be interesting if Miguel/Jamie Oliver have any recipes for the same kind of meal as Jack, to see someone do both and compare themI wonder if once we exhaust all Jacks terrible recipes we ought to try some decent budget ones? Just to show that you can make good food on a budget.
Poor people don’t have toasters, it’s obvious you’ve never been thrashing and wailing on the floor in poverty. Do you want her to just stop breathing?Holy Batman she actually says to heat the oil in the pan for her McMuffin recipe but then ruins the good advice by telling the reader to toast the muffins in the oven when doing so in a toaster would be much cheaper.
Maths was never my strong point. You could say I’m not terribly forensic.Bravo, but I think you may be a can adrift on your maths - I make your shopping total £7.97, which makes the mince, onion and gravy granules option look even more appealing!
Kids felt tip pens in my case. Unfortunately the purple didn't wash off as well as the others. I had to do the school run with the word arse on my knuckles. I made sure I kept my hand in my pocket while I was on the playground.Its a tough call, but I think my favourite thing about Slopalong is imagining all the fraus busily scrawling twattoos all over their arms before they begin
Its looks like you had a run in with norovirus. Honestly pet, god will be giving you a free pass into heaven for this.Right so. Mince and onions with notions, eh?
I apologise in advance. This will nowhere near be as witty as some Frauens work. I’m on my phone and it’s complicated!
View attachment 1729877
Off I went to Morrisons to collect the things I didn’t have.
There were no cheap mince and onions tins, and only one mid range. The recipe called for two so I had to go spenny.
View attachment 1729882
View attachment 1729885
View attachment 1729886
Total cost to buy the ingredients I didn’t have was £5.48
View attachment 1729887
So the slopping began. And Frauen, this really was slopping.
The recipe told me to fling everything in a pan. There was no mention of stirring but stir I did, because I am not a criminal. I did question the logic of adding more onions when onions are already present but who am I to judge?
View attachment 1729893View attachment 1729894
View attachment 1729895
View attachment 1729896
Then we had the slow simmer for 20 minutes. The only thing I can take from this is that something definitely reduced, but it wasn’t the amount of liquid. I could see very little in the way of solids in this pan.
Just looked like gravy tbh. Smelt overpoweringly of red wine.
View attachment 1729898
So, it’s cooked! I’m ready to eat! Let me just prepare some bread… oh wait…
It’s grown a skin. Nice.
View attachment 1729906
I power on and plate up. Here’s the finished product!
View attachment 1729909Shit sorry, that’s the dogs food. More visible texture though.
Whoops. HERE is the finished product:
View attachment 1729912
It just resembles watery slop. Same consistency too.
So, taste? Overpoweringly of red wine, with a bitter after taste. I couldn’t manage more than a couple of teaspoonfuls. DIRE.
And it struck me as such a waste. Mince, onions and gravy granules comes to around £5, which is cheaper than this shite, and more substantial. What planet is this woman on? This is literal slop. And why add red wine? It totally drowns out any other potential flavour in the dish. Honestly, grim.
Charity payment incoming. Slop outgoing (to the bin)
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