Well played Flirtatious one, great job, and beautiful pooch too.Well, that was an hour of my life I'll never get back.
Firstly I gathered up my ingredients. I had most things, and as I decided to cook the slop at my sisters, I borrowed some bits off her. Namely the cinnamon and two different types of vinegar - the recipe calls for 'oil' and 'vinegar' without specifying type. She only had a little bit of malt and a little apple cider, so those it was. All vinegars are interchangeable, right?
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Started off by peeling the garlic and slicing the onion. Into the cold 'oil' they went - the specification was 'a little' oil, but I put in enough to actually do the job of starting to soften the onions because I KNOW HOW TO COOK.
This seemed like a lot of onion.
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I cooked it til it was softening, then added SIX FAT CLOVES of garlic, unadorned. Then chucked in the elusive and wily aubergine (they must have been forewarned of their fate, RIP aubergine, go well lad) Then I added half a tsp of cinnamon, chilli flakes, cumin seeds and ONE EIGHTH of a teaspoon of fennel seeds wtf. Stirred.
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At this point I was instructed to add half a cup of water 'about 125ml' and 'crank up the heat' while I put the lentils on. There were no further instructions as to what to do with the mix while the lentils were cooking for 12 minutes. Lads, the water was immediately slurped up by the poor aubergine so I stirred like fuck to stop it burning and wrecking my sisters pan. There was a pervasive smell of cinnamon in the air.
The lentils were also playing silly buggers - having been instructed to 'cover with water' which I did, no depth specified, they immediately absorbed it all in their efforts to produce their 'scum' (her words not mine) I had to add a lot more water 'covering' them was not enough.
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Lentils: scummy, but not as scummy as Jack.
Cooked lentils were rinsed like beans and then plopped in to the onion concoction which had been stirred to death.
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Stirred it all up like a pro and added the two tbsp of tomato puree, and the one of each vinegar. Cinnamon smell briefly replaced by chip shop smell.
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At this point the recipe says 'bring to the boil'. Bring what to the boil? This is not slop by any means. There's no liquid left, this is dryer than a Saharan Nun's hooha. I quote 'It should take 10 more minutes to meld into this glossy, orange, spicy goodness, and the liquid should thicken to an unctuous sauce.' WHAT LIQUID, JACK?! THERE IS NO FUCKING LIQUID.
So I was forced to deviate from the recipe and I added half a pint of water.
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At least it looked a bit curry-ish at this point, though those garlic cloves were concerning me. Are we supposed to eat them like that? Hmm.
So I cooked it for another ten minutes, and this was the end result. Are you ready for your close up?
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Jack adds this stupid instruction at this point, and again I howl WHAT. LIQUID. HOW CAN IT BE TOO WATERY?!?!?!?!
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I portioned out half (though apparently this can serve four)
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My sister shrieked at the state of my nail in this pic, fraus how I laughed. It's pen. Authentic though right?
So then I had to try it. The first forkful was all onion. Crunchy onion. I could actually taste the chilli, so there's some warmth. That was about it though. I tried a bit of aubergine, it just mooshed in my mouth with a sad tasteless splat. All I was getting was chilli. Absolutely no flavour of curry. I managed another bit of onion, but wasn't even getting any of the cinnamon. My stomach started to hurt a bit at this point because of the amount of pretty much still raw onion.
Sister observed taste test and said 'I'm not eating that shit' and stormed out the house, returning with this!!!
Modelled by well kempt doggo Jasper. Jasper is salty as he is not allowed this delight and also he hasn't been near the kitchen to beg since I put the slop on (telling in itself!)
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Well. I used an online calculator to analyze this 'recipe'...
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It's not good, is it? 185 calories. Fuck you Jack, you'd need to eat TWO packets of microwave rice with this to make it up to say 650 calories. Even with the 'greedy' eating of half that's only 370 calories and it's ALL FUCKING ONION.
My stomach is growling unhappily and I only had a few mouthfuls. The rest will be going in the bin. What a colossal waste of food and time and energy. I'm fucking furious she's getting away with this. I can afford to now have another meal (thanks sis and Charlie B) but what if this was your only dinner option? Raging.
Score: 1 - dire.
I'd like to introduce 0 - dogshit, but if I was in dire straits, I could force myself to eat this, but I think it would make me ill. Also dogshit probably actually tastes like *something*.
i love - actually LOVE this thread but it makes me so furious that people continue to buy into this shit, knowing it helps nobody.
nutritional content interesting too - especially as the calorie content is <200 per portion and Jack served hers with a portion of spinach after a 6m run. Very concerned this was allowed past an editor.