Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

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All I can see in that video (bar the vibrator ) is a dog trying to get off the sofa and away from Jack, and Jack desperately trying to pull her back down to make it look like a cute ‘wrestle’.
 
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Oooh she's not very popular on mumsnet I'm assuming that wasn't always the case?
It’s quite odd - previously, any thread on Jack over on Mumsnet tended to get zapped. Lately, there’s been a real change over there. Largely due to Tattle, I might add. Funny to see that they’re following the Slopalong too!

That sounds more like Jack.
 
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Dear god what did I just watch? I’m typing this with my actual finger bones because I’m entirely inside out now. She has no idea what it’s like to be a person.
 
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Orrrrrr yoU cOulD ChoP ThE VeG tHeN hEaT tHe oiL nEaR thE EnD omg
ETA: far too late
 
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Delurking from the well (a kind of hole) to say thank-you Frauen und Herren for this thread. I mean, whatever, the internet is *full* of narcissistic grifters putting on a role, but I am E N R A G E D that the people who can least afford it will be wasting time and money on her nonsense, not least as we head into this grim grim winter. I truly hope that someone on or adjacent to these threads who works in media or food publishing is able to do something with the recipe trials here to quietly put her work to bed. Like others, I am antsy that a full public reckoning would only fuel the Tory line of ‘See! No povvos anywhere, only lying single mums’.

I don’t think my soul is stout enough to join you all in en-sloppening BUT can report back from my only foray into flavourtown hell, the “”””Keralan“”””” aubergine and chickpea curry (https://cookingonabootstrap.com/2014/05/28/aubergine-and-chickpea-curry/). Of course it was inedible, but comments below on *why* this recipe is such a travesty. FEEL MY AUBERGINE RAGE.

* Aubergines are both expensive and difficult to cook. They suck up a ton of oil (so not necessarily good value for a theoretically low-cost meal). If you mess up how you cook them, they are inedible - just unpleasantly chewy spongy lumps; not even the bland/horrible texture of much of her food but actually something that can’t be eaten. So YOU WOULD THINK that if you’re going to introduce aubergines you would make DARN SURE that you had written a recipe that would result in an EDIBLE MEAL *and* give people confidence to cook aubergines again. Unfortunately - nein, nein mein lieblings.

* The recipe starts with salting the aubergines in a way which is both a) bizarre (wet aubergine????? Generally you would slice it and leave with salt on in a colander) and b) unnecessary as most modern varieties of aubergines have had the bitterness bred out. I *really* want to know which recipe she nicked / adapted this method from.

* Once again: onion and oil in a cold pan, then a *tiny* amount of spice. We’ve covered the horrors of the former point, but I am SO angry about how she treats spice here. Spices need to actually cook! Not just “a little” but enough to mellow them and make them tasty. It feels like JM is some kind of low-budget artificial intelligence model, trained on the language of cooking but not the meaning. If you're selling yourself as a low-budget cook then surely there's a real educational remit to this so people can get the best out of limited ingredients *and* be confident enough to make adaptations around their own cooking???

* Also what is mustard doing in there? Is this some misguided nod to Ash Sarkar’s Fish Finger Bhorta (delicious, would cook again)? Where is the ginger or the fennel or the coconut milk or anything that would actually give this the flavour profile of a Keralan curry????? WORDS MEAN THINGS.

* How big should the aubergine ‘chunks’ be? In the picture (possibly a lie) they look quite wee so should cook quickly, but ‘chunks’ could mean anything. Also wet aubergines will not easily fry in that tiny amount of oil, ALSO aubergines need to be pretty robustly cooked all the way through before any more sauce ingredients are added - otherwise they’ll just soak up other liquids but just remain hot and raw (like me). “Browning the edges” is a fool’s game and I am no fool!

* Then the final round of tomatoes and cook down, which *only* works when you have a strong enough flavour base to cook into the sauce.

* Final insult: the URL says 'aubergine and chickpea curry' (which would at least add protein) but the chickpeas had made a break for freedom by the time the recipe was uploaded.

Honestly, I made this and halfway through thought I was losing my mind - I am a good and confident cook, and yet still doubted myself because the recipe was so bananas that I thought I was missing something. I truly can’t tell if the accompanying photo is of the dish - it seems like too much red chili for what’s on offer, and yet the aubergine seems pretty raw (see how it holds its shape?) so who knows.

GUTEN NACHT, and thank you for letting me rant.
 
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What else was her restaurant parlace clanger? Wasn’t it that dishoom wasn’t a chain?
Yes, absolutely. In restaurant parlance it's not a chain, except when she made a dal on DKL and mentioned that there's a chain of restaurants called Dishoom who cook their dal for 24 hours, in which case it's definitely a chain. Schrodinger's chain.
 
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I'd been looking out for this as it's the only Jack recipe I've ever made, fairly certain I used risotto rice and more mushroom. We had it with pork tenderloin wrapped in pate and prosciutto, it was definitely edible but then I've also never made it again so that should probably tell me something.
 
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Yes, absolutely. In restaurant parlance it's not a chain, except when she made a dal on DKL and mentioned that there's a chain of restaurants called Dishoom who cook their dal for 24 hours, in which case it's definitely a chain. Schrodinger's chain.
Absolutely hysterical. It was a chain basically straight away as there were 2/3 more in London not long after the first one opened? Given that she was literally in another branch in another city, how was she so snippy
 
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I'm quite the expert chopper. But sometimes I prep everything and then pretend I'm on a cookery show with my bowls of ingredients. Not DKL though, obviously because that was TERRIBLE.
 
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Sorry for the suspense peeps. Write up to come
In the morning. I’m currently in bed cuddling a bottle of pink Gaviscon
 
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I’m pleased to say my Old Harold is fully supportive of my slopathon. I’ve been pulling radiators off the walls for a few years now due to my frustration at JM’s antics so if anything, it is a relief for him that I’ve finally signed up here! When I told him that I was going to join in the slopalong, he looked at me and said “the gnocchi?” I hadn’t realised just how much I’ve mithered on about it for years!

Saturday morning is booked out for forensically adding my contribution to this thread. I’ve made a donation to a local food bank in advance to offset my future wasteful culinary crimes.

I love that this thread has given so many of us long time lurkers the impetus to make ourselves known. Chapeau!
 
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I lost my receipt but I bought £13.95 of tesco stuff for a local food bank.
Found it!

These were items that they were specifically requesting BTW. I've squigged details in case a squig attempts to track me down. WARNED.

 
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She does other very archaic things like using minute amounts of spice and blanching/soaking her bacon (a common thing in old recipes to rid it of excess salt that modern curing techniques have rendered unnecessary), I would think that she must be following pre-1970s cookbooks for certain recipes.

Marguerite Pattens' "Cookery In Colour", the work of Elizabeth David, Julia Childs "The French Chef" and other 1950-70s cookbooks do that sort of thing, which was the right advice at the time. The lack of spices is understandable from a post-war rationing point of view, they were gently introducing new things to a population used to very bland, very dull meals. Also, they use butter and salt, and lollop in onions and garlic, tomatoes and cream, which kind of makes up for the lack of spice. They use the right cuts of meat, fresh veg, and aren't afraid to cook things for 2.5 hours to get maximum tastiness.

Jack has taken some of these recipes, kept in the lack of spice and the workarounds for things that might still have been rationed, but removed all the lovely stuff that is too expensive, like the butter, the cream, the slow cooking that leads to savoury goodness. But she has not replaced those missing things with anything modern and good and cheap.

And so you get these strange unbalanced recipes, where you can see the bones of the original recipe, but the whole thing is hollowed out and rendered useless because she doesn't understand the basics of cooking on the same level that the original chef did.
 
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Re: aubergines, I fully agree and am a little worried about having signed up for the moussaka (which I am making tomorrow). It’s going to be an absolute travesty isn’t it
 
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I hope someone who doesn't go on these threads watches it with no context
Lol you massive deviant. It would be like Blair Witch “found documentary footage” stuff that would utterly terrify people the world over.

On the plus side, you’d deservedly become a millionaire, just like Jack (allegedly, according to the internet M’Lud) but for actual talent and services to Pickin’ Balls and cinematography.

Just imagine if you encountered that in the wild. Inexplicable meats, and
Raspy whisssspered Boulevvvvvvaaaaard in your ear as you fall asleep

As a Welsh Frau, let me just say that Uncle Bryn and I are FULLY SUPPORTIVE of this endeavor (and we both apologize for the terrible vid quality, it was the best I could find)
Slopportunity’s Gone with the gnocchi, Gwen!
 
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Can someone clever put me down for lemon roasted sardines please.
Off work tomorrow and I need something to make my house smell like fanny, don't ask why. Thanks
 
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