Slopalong #2 You can’t polish a turd, but you can cover it in parsley

I've just chucked the remaining 2/3 of the goulash. I had intended to use it as the base for something else, but the over-cooked beans have all disintegrated and it's just too grim. It's food waste collection day tomorrow, so out it went.

Perhaps I should have added salt to the leftovers to stop the beans soaking up any more moisture. Or maybe I could have picked most of the beans out - they'd have absorbed most of the burnt taste, so I would probably have been left with a fairly decent tomato sauce to re-use. But I did neither of those things, so it was all wasted.

Total cost of this recipe (excluding energy):
87p for Mutti Polpa tomatoes, as part of a 6-pack
95p for Ocado organic kidney beans
50p for M&S baked beans
55p for 15g out of a 70g tin of La Chinata dulce paprika
17p for a small Ocado organic brown onion
5p estimated for a fat garlic clove (what does she do with the thin ones?) and the cooking oil
99p for Deliveroo delivery fee
99p for Deliveroo service fee
£2.69 for Deliveroo rider tip
£15.95 for 4 Boneless Chicken Thighs (Hot) + 2x Regular Spicy Rice sides from Nandos

Total cost: £23.71

I'm planning on doing another Slopalong this weekend coming, so will add up the combined cost and make a matching donation to a non-Jack-enabling foodbank at the end of it all.

MavisBeacon said:

I had some more of the pina colada bread for breakfast and yet again feel a bit sick. It's so stodgy, even toasted, but I hate food waste.
I've also been reflecting on the recipe, which says to drain off the pineapple juice, but then add 100ml water to the coconut milk. WHY NOT JUST ADD THE PINEAPPLE JUICE??
I mean, it's overly sloppy anyway and needs less liquid in the recipe, but it's a shocking example of waste. Same for the recipe in Tin Can't Cook where she tells you to drain off the gravy from a tin of steak and then has no ideas about what to do with it. IT'S FUCKING GRAVY, YOU IDIOT, YOU POUR IT ON FOOD AND IT MAKES IT NICER.
It's genuinely infuriating how little she thinks about overall meal planning and home economics.

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Personally, I would put out the bread for the birds - they would appreciate it.
I think it's astonishing how she’s never been questioned on the actual recipes - or maybe she has, and I haven't seen it. She can't cook.

ThatsNotMyKitten said:

I'm sure she did. There's an excellent example of this on Jay Rayner's Instagram. The photos of the food at the restaurants he reviews are done properly by a photographer after he's been there. He went to some awful restaurant that he slam
med and when the photographer went to take photos they produced beautiful looking things. He called them out on it and I think compared them with the phone snaps he took on the night.

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Here it is, from the Guardian with some of his pics at the bottom. The restaurant was €€€€ too
Edit: @House of Carbonara agreed- she can’t cook, her ‘recipes’ are thrown together nonsense that makes no sense and clearly haven’t been tested, and she doesn’t understand basics of flavour profiles, cooking methods, portion sizes, nutrition or ingredients. She’s NEVER been called out on this and instead has been utterly enabled. It’s truly appalling.

Lazarus said:

It’s shameful. Truly.

Between this and her unpaid advocacy work that has never seen the light of day, it’s all a massive fraud. It’s unsurprising yet so sorely disappointing at the same time.
In truth we know desperately poor people aren’t relying on her but at the same time that’s who she pretends she’s aiming for. Those who are desperate wouldn’t take a chance on her recipes and those who are looking to cut a few corners can afford to buy the books whilst firmly in the knowledge they’ll never have to try the recipes exactly as written because they can afford better, and paying Jack absolves their conscience of actually doing something that brings them into contact with actual poor people.

It’s easier to turn a blind eye and pretend she’s helping, than it is to acknowledge she’s done nothing and then have to do something yourself.

Sorry for the massive rant.

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People are still recommending her recipes on mumsnet (and possibly other forums too), on a thread where the OP is asking for very cheap meals because they have hardly any money to get through the month.
If these people have tried the recipes and genuinely like them, then fair enough. I just don't see it myself though.

I

hoopdedoo said:

Clearly @Tabitha D 's version is fake because she cut the mushrooms in half. If she had left them whole, just as Saint Jack of the Kitchen has decreed, her curry would be the proper size and would also be RED.

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thought all mushrooms are grated?

overdueanadventure said:

I was just looking at some of the reviews on BBC Good Food and someone gave 5 stars to the
Chicken, sausage & prune pie

but reading it, it sounds like they pretty much changed all the proportions and cooked it their own way.

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I’ve made successful versions of Jack’s peach and chickpea curry and the mixed bean goulash, but like this person, I made quite a few alterations. One of which being to add a LOT more seasoning.

Darling nefarious ninnies, I am about to sign up to volunteer for this. I am incensed at the damage JM is inflicted and is inflicting, and want to do something to help. It's all done remotely, doesn't matter where you are.

House of Carbonara said:

Personally, I would put out the bread for the birds - they would appreciate it.
I think it's astonishing how she’s never been questioned on the actual recipes - or maybe she has, and I haven't seen it. She can't cook.

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We live in a brand new house and the idiot birds haven't figured out we have a garden or a bird feeder yet so I fear it would just end up as mush on the grass
Mr Beacon has given up on it as it's making him feel unwell. I soldiered on and had some more for a posh lunch with smoked salmon and Phili Light.
Noted side effect: pineapple flavoured burps

ThatsNotMyKitten said:

I thought this! I thought it looked maybe like a mini Portobello? Really doesn't look like a bog standard mushroom. And how is her sauce so red?

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I think she used a shop-bought red curry paste TBH. And I’ve concluded that she fakes a lot of her photographs.

MavisBeacon said:

I've also been reflecting on the recipe, which says to drain off the pineapple juice, but then add 100ml water to the coconut milk. WHY NOT JUST ADD THE PINEAPPLE JUICE??

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Careful now, pineapple juice has FLAVOUR. Anything could happen.

It’s the gram flour pancake all over again, where she instructed the victim to squeeze the liquid from a courgette before adding 250ml of water.

How the fuck has she got here?

Sorry but that prune pie review reads like it was written by Jack

With tweaks, I imagine it's possible to make her meals edible. But people eating way more of it than they should? Ah fuck all the way off. I don't buy it.

Tabitha D said:

I think she used a shop-bought red curry paste TBH. And I’ve concluded that she fakes a lot of her photographs.

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I've been looking for the screenshots of the mushroom red curry recipe and can't find them but I did notice when I read them that in the ingredients she listed (and priced in) passata but in the method she stated tomato puree. The equivalent amount of tomato puree rather than passata would give a richer colour, flavour and body but would cost more. Accidental mistake in the ingredients list or deliberate attempt to lower the cost?

Marj24 said:

I've been looking for the screenshots of the mushroom red curry recipe and can't find them but I did notice when I read them that in the ingredients she listed (and priced in) passata but in the method she stated tomato puree. The equivalent amount of tomato puree rather than passata would give a richer colour, flavour and body but would cost more. Accidental mistake in the ingredients list or deliberate attempt to lower the cost?

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The amount given was more appropriate for puree than for passata, too. I think you're onto something with the deliberate attempt to lower the cost...

Lucky Escape said:

The amount given was more appropriate for puree than for passata, too. I think you're onto something with the deliberate attempt to lower the cost...

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Or she’s just thick, knows nothing about food and thinks they’re the same thing.
Even with tomato purée the recipe would have been tasteless and nothing like a proper red curry, but at least it would have been red I guess!

That Forensic Man said:

Hot and spicy, oh dear. Then again Jack is the person who puts 1 tsp chilli flakes in a VINDALOO and nothing else
This comparison shot might be one of the worst as well, notice Jack's spoon to bowl size ratio here.
Could (must?) her version be fake?

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The thing that's really starting to irk me is the number of times her recipes are just plain WRONG in what they say e.g. "hot eggy mess" (despite the eggs being stone cold) or "hot and spicy" (despite the only heat or spices coming from 1/4 tsp chilli flakes).

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As my mother used to say “it looks like she stood at the door and threw the chilli flakes in”

(Also adaptable for Tia Maria measures in her case )

WhyYouCry? said:

Or she’s just thick, knows nothing about food and thinks they’re the same thing.
Even with tomato purée the recipe would have been tasteless and nothing like a proper red curry, but at least it would have been red I guess!

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Cochineal

Sister is out on Thursday night so the coast is clear for my slop along contribution with no explanation required! Off to Lidl I yomp.

As an aside, and soz if already suggested, but would it be worth tracking the contributions made to charity as part of this project? I don't think we should necessarily include details of individuals fraus, or even charities, but a running total might be nice. It would be so lovely to know, and is the kind of thing that could be picked up by MSM. Don't want to add more to @That Forensic Man's hefty workload however, and not volunteering myself (wouldn't have a clue, mate).

Also, I really like how donations have been suggested and volunteered by fraus with no pressure on others to do the same. Times are tough, my darlings.

What a lovely lot you are.

Now, eff off xx

Marj24 said:

I've been looking for the screenshots of the mushroom red curry recipe and can't find them but I did notice when I read them that in the ingredients she listed (and priced in) passata but in the method she stated tomato puree. The equivalent amount of tomato puree rather than passata would give a richer colour, flavour and body but would cost more. Accidental mistake in the ingredients list or deliberate attempt to lower the cost?

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Nah, she mis-copied (if that's a word) someone else's recipe.

I do sincerely love how so many fully-grown Frauen und Herren are having to slop covertly so as to avoid the otherwise inevitable consternation of their Harolds and Harriets.

Canal!
I made another one from Tin Can’t Cook, yes I DID!

It’s actually edible - yes, really!!

Guess why..?
It doesn’t involve any cooking whatsoever plus it’s stolen! Hahaaaa

Will upload soon TOOT TOOT