- Notice
Ah sorry you’ve had to go through so much pain - and that it’s had that sort of impact on you and your relationship . What’s ‘DD’ if you’ll forgive me ignorance?
But you sound quite resigned to accepting things as they are. Are their steps you could take that might help ? And not just physical - maybe mental too? I understand the effect of the prolapse has changed it for you but sometimes after a trauma a lot of the consequences that seem purely physical can at least be helped by working through the impact it had on you mentally. I just think because of the way you talk about him - not just in love but in lust still, and that he doesn’t nag or make you feel bad about not having sex more, it sounds you have lots of good stuff to work with...hope I’m not sounding to presumptive, I accept I only know the very small amount you’ve shared but I hope you don’t feel offended by the therapy suggestion! I honestly think it sounds like you’re in a great relationship - lobster indeed
But you sound quite resigned to accepting things as they are. Are their steps you could take that might help ? And not just physical - maybe mental too? I understand the effect of the prolapse has changed it for you but sometimes after a trauma a lot of the consequences that seem purely physical can at least be helped by working through the impact it had on you mentally. I just think because of the way you talk about him - not just in love but in lust still, and that he doesn’t nag or make you feel bad about not having sex more, it sounds you have lots of good stuff to work with...hope I’m not sounding to presumptive, I accept I only know the very small amount you’ve shared but I hope you don’t feel offended by the therapy suggestion! I honestly think it sounds like you’re in a great relationship - lobster indeed
Boredinstagrammer29
Well-known member
I’m in a fairly new relationship and we didn’t feel compatible so we kind of stopped. I brought up the conversation. It was awkward, we each threw digs at each other but eventually came to the agreement to try a position he preferred when I was close to climax in the position that worked for me. That was all well and good but we avoided sex for 3 more weeks and we both said we were worried (and nervous to give it a go). I confined in my friend who offered me to watch a sex tape she had made with her long term partner, I thought why the hell not. It shocked me to see what another average couple get up to and realised I needed to make it a little more exciting. We had sex the next day and he also improved his communication during sex to tell me what he liked so I did it some more. I suppose our issues are different as we’re not great at communicating, trying new things and a little shy.
but anyway, he says not being into you isn’t the reason so can he communicate what is? I know with us we love each other but damn were tired we get up at 5:30am and have to walk the dogs each night so by 9pm we’re well and truly shattered. We can share what has worked for us but ultimately he needs to be a little more open about his libido with you
Hope that helps x
but anyway, he says not being into you isn’t the reason so can he communicate what is? I know with us we love each other but damn were tired we get up at 5:30am and have to walk the dogs each night so by 9pm we’re well and truly shattered. We can share what has worked for us but ultimately he needs to be a little more open about his libido with you
Hope that helps x
Pineapple22
Member
I agree with everyone else, you deserve so much better. I hope you find the strength to walk away and put yourself first. Learn to love being alone until you meet somebody who treats you well and makes you happy.No clue. In fact he doesn’t even have a job right now. I’ve also been having some really bad family problems over the last few weeks and I feel like he hasn’t supported me at allI understand some situations are hard to sympathise with but even so. I suppose I am afraid of being alone
SisterBliss
Active member
You didn’t waffle at all, it sounds like you are in a really tough place! What I’ve learned over the years is when things swamp you like that and the partner is less than helpful, it helps to turn to yourself and your kids. Exclude him from your expectations for emotional support, and focus on the basics, self-care, reduce spending, get a gentle routine with enough sleep and fresh air, talk with friends and family and if you can afford it, a counsellor, if not there are very good self-help books, like Brene Brown’s stuff. Have a look at Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion, she has an autistic son and she has used these techniques to help him, but they are just as powerful for anyone else, they helped me a lot! Very straight forward and effective. I hope you have a good GP and that your depression starts to lift soon as well. It can take time so be patient and focus on the small stuff. Things will get better, that much is certain in life, and time will come when you will know what to do about your relationship. All the best!Hi, this is my first post on here and it’s taken me a lot of courage to speak up. I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years married for 11, we have 3 boys (23, not his) 16 & 9. We haven’t had sex for around 2 years. We’ve had a lot of problems in the past, although he’s never admitted it but I’m convinced he’s had numerous affairs as I’ve always found out some texts off his phone (was always passworded and never knew the password, he just always used to fall asleep with his phone open) the last time almost broke us cos he lied when he said he was with a friend of ours and I knew he wasn’t. Anyways, we didn’t break up and since then I’ve been numb inside with regards to our relationship. I can’t even bare the thought of having sex with him or even kissing him. It bothers him as he says he’s a changed man now but I can’t forget. I think he’s quite happy to watch porn so doesn’t pressure me too much. I don’t love him like that anymore but we do get on so so well, we rarely argue anymore.
We’re currently having debt problems, my youngest is going through assessments for autism and I’m suffering from clinical depression, I have piled on the weight since given up smoking 6 years ago, and I’m now suffering from psoriasis which effects my confidence so much. I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I don’t work, I’m studying at home for a degree with open uni, I’ve applied for jobs but I get so anxious and panic when I get offered an interview that I pull out. We’ve booked a holiday for turkey for June as we need the break but after that I think I need to sort something out. It’s not fair on either of us to keep going like this.
sorry for waffling
Seriously doesn't bother me I'd happily have it once a month.
My partner on the other hands like a dog on heat all the time. Cant even bend over with him trying to poke me. Weve been together 10+ years with two kids (ones 6m).
I don't feel great in my self, normally in pjs, not saved my legs in about 3 months, lucky if I get a quick shower a day.
If weve ever had a dry spell we normally spice it up, have date night, a few drinks, a new purchase of love honey (recommend a vibrating wand)
It is sad the amount of people on here that dont have the same amount of intimacy.
He even made a joke to the surgeon about it as I was being stitched up after the baby was born
But if there not interested and your not happy fuck them off. Start saving a little secretly for a few months and do it. Harder said than done I know.
My partner on the other hands like a dog on heat all the time. Cant even bend over with him trying to poke me. Weve been together 10+ years with two kids (ones 6m).
I don't feel great in my self, normally in pjs, not saved my legs in about 3 months, lucky if I get a quick shower a day.
If weve ever had a dry spell we normally spice it up, have date night, a few drinks, a new purchase of love honey (recommend a vibrating wand)
It is sad the amount of people on here that dont have the same amount of intimacy.
He even made a joke to the surgeon about it as I was being stitched up after the baby was born
But if there not interested and your not happy fuck them off. Start saving a little secretly for a few months and do it. Harder said than done I know.
ComeonLen
Member
Very very interesting point!
Feeling a bit like Scrooge when he wakes up on Christmas Morning & realises he’s not dead!Well yay for Xmas sex! Happy be was receptive and took the convo well
Met Xmas all round
TheWitchIsBack
VIP Member
I’ve been through the counselling process and prior to it I would make every excuse known to man to cancel, reschedule, not attend etc as I’m such a private person that the thought of it horrified me.You’ve made me cry guys lol. Thank you so so much for the comments. I am with a doctor for my depression and he has offered me counselling but I’ve said no, the thought of speaking to someone terrifies me. It took years to get help with my GP, I actually sobbed and balled my eyes out in front of him, I was so embarrassed. But I will definitely consider it the next time he offers. I get creams for my psoriasis but it’s steroid creams that I can only take when it flares up, I have inverted psoriasis too so being overweight does not help that at all! I’m changing my eating habits when the kids go back tomorrow, I’ve given myself a goal to lose weight before we go away in June. I know losing weight will help my confidence.
what someone said about him taking a back seat is exactly right - he works long hours, permanent nights, I cannot get him to do anything as ‘he works’. He don’t do bugger all with the kids, nothing to do with the house, just lays on the sofa when he’s home. I do appreciate that he brings in the money and works long hours but there’s only so much I can do on my own.
What I will say is that everything was done at my pace, I was always made to feel comfortable, I trusted the people I was speaking to and never felt judged. I had built it into this terrifying process in my mind but ultimately it saved my life and it has helped me in so many ways. It can be a frightening prospect getting the ball rolling with it but if you don’t like it you don’t need to go back.
You’ve spoken to us on here and presumably felt a bit better from our responses and we’re not trained professionals!
Good luck with losing weight too, focussing on living healthier can definitely go a long way to helping your mind.
Youngmum29
Member
My husband and I have been together 10 years. We have 2 kids and he works night shifts so obviously Our situation is a bit different to yours, but, we are polar opposites when it comes to sex. He’d honestly do it 6 times a day if he could whereas I’m happy to do it a few times a week or less.
Communication is absolutely key and we spent a long time not openly discussing why we were both unhappy with our sex lives. we talk about it now without judgement but it does take a toll on us sometimes because we can’t find a happy medium.
I would suggest couples therapy if there’s no obvious reason behind your lack of a sex life. Opening up is going to be crucial to getting to the root of the problem.
Good luck!
Communication is absolutely key and we spent a long time not openly discussing why we were both unhappy with our sex lives. we talk about it now without judgement but it does take a toll on us sometimes because we can’t find a happy medium.
I would suggest couples therapy if there’s no obvious reason behind your lack of a sex life. Opening up is going to be crucial to getting to the root of the problem.
Good luck!
Riggs
Member
Great that things have worked out for you and hope it continues that way. Glad that just by being more communicative and open minded has also given yku
Doesn’t sound like he’s being very nice to you at all and no-one should have to put up with that in life never mind in a relationship. The fact his mum doesn’t know about you after so long should speak volumes about how much he values you. Sorry you have had to go through that.Thanks for your adviceHis mum doesn’t even know about me
It sounds like you and your husband have so many positives in your relationship. Have the surgery, get things back to where they were (and can still be). I know it’s not as simple as that but from what you’ve said I’m sure you won’t regret having the surgery. I’ve had a couple of big ops which have made such a difference to my life so I’m a big advocater of making changes if you can.
JellyWobbles
VIP Member
I’m in my late 20s, have 2 kids.
Me and my husbands sex life was almost dead in the water after a bad bowt of depression and lack of self confidence (from me) it was frustrating for us both but upsetting as I felt I was letting him down. I spoke candidly to him and said we both (mostly, I) need to make more effort. I bought some sex toys and I actually had the Depo shot which just changed everything. It’s gave us a new lease of life and spontaneity now we don’t have to fiddle with condoms.
Things are going well! Either way I hope you can figure things out. A lot of people just aren’t that bothered for it. X
Me and my husbands sex life was almost dead in the water after a bad bowt of depression and lack of self confidence (from me) it was frustrating for us both but upsetting as I felt I was letting him down. I spoke candidly to him and said we both (mostly, I) need to make more effort. I bought some sex toys and I actually had the Depo shot which just changed everything. It’s gave us a new lease of life and spontaneity now we don’t have to fiddle with condoms.
Things are going well! Either way I hope you can figure things out. A lot of people just aren’t that bothered for it. X
ComeonLen
Member
Ok so this is a sensitive subject that I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about so I’m hoping some different perspectives might help me.
I’m in a long term relationship, my partner & me get on very well, we rarely argue and often cuddle and hold hands BUT we rarely have sex and it’s really affecting me.
It’s been an issue for us now for the last couple of years and no matter how much we talk about it and the reasons why we don’t have sex, nothing seems to improve. I also don’t have a crazy high sex drive, like once a week would be fine with me but literally months go by! and we don’t have kids so it’s not like we don’t get the opportunity!
He says that it’s because he’s tired or not in the right frame of mind, I’ve asked him point blank if he’s just not attracted to me anymore and he says that’s not the reason. It’s just massively knocking my confidence because I’m always the one asking him if he wants to have sex.
We’re both in our early thirties and got together early twenties so it sometimes makes me think that maybe we’ve just grown apart & we aren’t compatible in that way anymore. He’s an amazing person and I know he cares about me but I need to feel wanted by a partner.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so how did you get through it? Are you in a relationship now in which you don’t have sex and you’re happy? Asking for a friend
I’m in a long term relationship, my partner & me get on very well, we rarely argue and often cuddle and hold hands BUT we rarely have sex and it’s really affecting me.
It’s been an issue for us now for the last couple of years and no matter how much we talk about it and the reasons why we don’t have sex, nothing seems to improve. I also don’t have a crazy high sex drive, like once a week would be fine with me but literally months go by! and we don’t have kids so it’s not like we don’t get the opportunity!
He says that it’s because he’s tired or not in the right frame of mind, I’ve asked him point blank if he’s just not attracted to me anymore and he says that’s not the reason. It’s just massively knocking my confidence because I’m always the one asking him if he wants to have sex.
We’re both in our early thirties and got together early twenties so it sometimes makes me think that maybe we’ve just grown apart & we aren’t compatible in that way anymore. He’s an amazing person and I know he cares about me but I need to feel wanted by a partner.
Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so how did you get through it? Are you in a relationship now in which you don’t have sex and you’re happy? Asking for a friend
No clue. In fact he doesn’t even have a job right now. I’ve also been having some really bad family problems over the last few weeks and I feel like he hasn’t supported me at all
I understand some situations are hard to sympathise with but even so. I suppose I am afraid of being alone Thanks for the advice
I’ve told her about her turning 40 not being a deal breaker when it comes to kids but she thinks if/when she leaves by the time she finds someone new.. dates a while.. she’ll be too old. Adopt is what I told her if she’s set on kids! Yeah she is already resenting him and I think that’s going to get worse as these months pass. Haha I asked her what she’d tell me if I was her and she said “bullshit, you’d have bailed after 6 months” To be fair I probably would have. They just need to break it off imo. Sad all around though.Thank youAs the saying goes hes just not that into you.. Break free and find your true love you deserve better love. Drop him he ain't interested, run free
For me sex was so much better once I had a baby....not sure why but it was easier to orgasm and just better (had c sections tho!) the frequency has changed and it’s probably once every few weeks, tiredness, and just generally finding the time x
SisterBliss
Active member
Don’t wait for the doctor to offer again, make an appointment and ask for a referral. It’ll probably be to Mind so it takes a while to get an appointment. And don’t be embarassed, GPs see at leas several patients with depression a day, your reaction sound perfectly normal, so while I totally understand why you felt embarrassed, the doctor for sure didn’t see it that way, he was probably glad to know what was wrong amd that he was able to help you.You’ve made me cry guys lol. Thank you so so much for the comments. I am with a doctor for my depression and he has offered me counselling but I’ve said no, the thought of speaking to someone terrifies me. It took years to get help with my GP, I actually sobbed and balled my eyes out in front of him, I was so embarrassed. But I will definitely consider it the next time he offers. I get creams for my psoriasis but it’s steroid creams that I can only take when it flares up, I have inverted psoriasis too so being overweight does not help that at all! I’m changing my eating habits when the kids go back tomorrow, I’ve given myself a goal to lose weight before we go away in June. I know losing weight will help my confidence.
what someone said about him taking a back seat is exactly right - he works long hours, permanent nights, I cannot get him to do anything as ‘he works’. He don’t do bugger all with the kids, nothing to do with the house, just lays on the sofa when he’s home. I do appreciate that he brings in the money and works long hours but there’s only so much I can do on my own.
Riggs
Member
Long may it continue and hope things continue on the up for you and you have a fantastic Christmas together and get that intimate time you crave.Feeling a bit like Scrooge when he wakes up on Christmas Morning & realises he’s not dead!
bubbletea123
VIP Member
If your sex drive is low, try taking Maca vitamin. It can help!