Sexless Relationships?

[TheWitchIsBack]

Hi, this is my first post on here and it’s taken me a lot of courage to speak up. I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years married for 11, we have 3 boys (23, not his) 16 & 9. We haven’t had sex for around 2 years. We’ve had a lot of problems in the past, although he’s never admitted it but I’m convinced he’s had numerous affairs as I’ve always found out some texts off his phone (was always passworded and never knew the password, he just always used to fall asleep with his phone open) the last time almost broke us cos he lied when he said he was with a friend of ours and I knew he wasn’t. Anyways, we didn’t break up and since then I’ve been numb inside with regards to our relationship. I can’t even bare the thought of having sex with him or even kissing him. It bothers him as he says he’s a changed man now but I can’t forget. I think he’s quite happy to watch porn so doesn’t pressure me too much. I don’t love him like that anymore but we do get on so so well, we rarely argue anymore.
We’re currently having debt problems, my youngest is going through assessments for autism and I’m suffering from clinical depression, I have piled on the weight since given up smoking 6 years ago, and I’m now suffering from psoriasis which effects my confidence so much. I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I don’t work, I’m studying at home for a degree with open uni, I’ve applied for jobs but I get so anxious and panic when I get offered an interview that I pull out . We’ve booked a holiday for turkey for June as we need the break but after that I think I need to sort something out. It’s not fair on either of us to keep going like this.
sorry for waffling

You have a lot going on and it’s no wonder you’re feeling this way and I can’t imagine what you’re going through.

It’s a lot to try and tackle all of this at the one time and will be understandably overwhelming so my advice would be to break it into manageable chunks, and start with yourself first.

You’ve stated you’ve been diagnosed with depression - is there a way for you to access counselling or some form of treatment that could potentially help? I know from experience that trying to tackle life problems with a head that’s not in the best place can make everything feel 100x worse.

Have you been to the doctor to review your treatment for your skin?

Try and be kind to yourself, you’re going through so much with your son, and your husband that I bet your own well-being has taken a real back seat. Work on you, take your time and try and change what’s within your remit to change at this time. It would be easy to tell you to leave but it’s not that simple when there’s debt, self confidence issues and a child with additional needs, so work on being the strongest possible version of yourself as everything else can come on the back of that. And notice I said strongest and not strong - cause believe me you’re already strong!!!

 

[SisterBliss]

Hi, this is my first post on here and it’s taken me a lot of courage to speak up. I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years married for 11, we have 3 boys (23, not his) 16 & 9. We haven’t had sex for around 2 years. We’ve had a lot of problems in the past, although he’s never admitted it but I’m convinced he’s had numerous affairs as I’ve always found out some texts off his phone (was always passworded and never knew the password, he just always used to fall asleep with his phone open) the last time almost broke us cos he lied when he said he was with a friend of ours and I knew he wasn’t. Anyways, we didn’t break up and since then I’ve been numb inside with regards to our relationship. I can’t even bare the thought of having sex with him or even kissing him. It bothers him as he says he’s a changed man now but I can’t forget. I think he’s quite happy to watch porn so doesn’t pressure me too much. I don’t love him like that anymore but we do get on so so well, we rarely argue anymore.
We’re currently having debt problems, my youngest is going through assessments for autism and I’m suffering from clinical depression, I have piled on the weight since given up smoking 6 years ago, and I’m now suffering from psoriasis which effects my confidence so much. I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I don’t work, I’m studying at home for a degree with open uni, I’ve applied for jobs but I get so anxious and panic when I get offered an interview that I pull out . We’ve booked a holiday for turkey for June as we need the break but after that I think I need to sort something out. It’s not fair on either of us to keep going like this.
sorry for waffling

You didn’t waffle at all, it sounds like you are in a really tough place! What I’ve learned over the years is when things swamp you like that and the partner is less than helpful, it helps to turn to yourself and your kids. Exclude him from your expectations for emotional support, and focus on the basics, self-care, reduce spending, get a gentle routine with enough sleep and fresh air, talk with friends and family and if you can afford it, a counsellor, if not there are very good self-help books, like Brene Brown’s stuff. Have a look at Kristin Neff’s work on self-compassion, she has an autistic son and she has used these techniques to help him, but they are just as powerful for anyone else, they helped me a lot! Very straight forward and effective. I hope you have a good GP and that your depression starts to lift soon as well. It can take time so be patient and focus on the small stuff. Things will get better, that much is certain in life, and time will come when you will know what to do about your relationship. All the best!

 

[Jerseymiss]

I've been with my husband for 6 years and married for 5 months. And we never have sex, to the point of last year we only had sex 5 times the whole of last year, 3 of which was on honeymoon. We have 3 children but they aren't really the problem. It's him. He just isn't interested. I've tried loads of things to spice it, and I've tried speaking about it but again he just isn't interested.

I'm in my late 20's and I honestly worry I've made a mistake marrying him especially. Cause I don't want to be in sexless marriage. It's so isolating and lonely. It's like living with a friend. Not even a best friend.

 

[Che Guevara]

You’ve made me cry guys lol. Thank you so so much for the comments. I am with a doctor for my depression and he has offered me counselling but I’ve said no, the thought of speaking to someone terrifies me. It took years to get help with my GP, I actually sobbed and balled my eyes out in front of him, I was so embarrassed. But I will definitely consider it the next time he offers. I get creams for my psoriasis but it’s steroid creams that I can only take when it flares up, I have inverted psoriasis too so being overweight does not help that at all! I’m changing my eating habits when the kids go back tomorrow, I’ve given myself a goal to lose weight before we go away in June. I know losing weight will help my confidence.
what someone said about him taking a back seat is exactly right - he works long hours, permanent nights, I cannot get him to do anything as ‘he works’. He don’t do bugger all with the kids, nothing to do with the house, just lays on the sofa when he’s home. I do appreciate that he brings in the money and works long hours but there’s only so much I can do on my own.

 

[SisterBliss]

You’ve made me cry guys lol. Thank you so so much for the comments. I am with a doctor for my depression and he has offered me counselling but I’ve said no, the thought of speaking to someone terrifies me. It took years to get help with my GP, I actually sobbed and balled my eyes out in front of him, I was so embarrassed. But I will definitely consider it the next time he offers. I get creams for my psoriasis but it’s steroid creams that I can only take when it flares up, I have inverted psoriasis too so being overweight does not help that at all! I’m changing my eating habits when the kids go back tomorrow, I’ve given myself a goal to lose weight before we go away in June. I know losing weight will help my confidence.
what someone said about him taking a back seat is exactly right - he works long hours, permanent nights, I cannot get him to do anything as ‘he works’. He don’t do bugger all with the kids, nothing to do with the house, just lays on the sofa when he’s home. I do appreciate that he brings in the money and works long hours but there’s only so much I can do on my own.

Don’t wait for the doctor to offer again, make an appointment and ask for a referral. It’ll probably be to Mind so it takes a while to get an appointment. And don’t be embarassed, GPs see at leas several patients with depression a day, your reaction sound perfectly normal, so while I totally understand why you felt embarrassed, the doctor for sure didn’t see it that way, he was probably glad to know what was wrong amd that he was able to help you.

 

[TheWitchIsBack]

You’ve made me cry guys lol. Thank you so so much for the comments. I am with a doctor for my depression and he has offered me counselling but I’ve said no, the thought of speaking to someone terrifies me. It took years to get help with my GP, I actually sobbed and balled my eyes out in front of him, I was so embarrassed. But I will definitely consider it the next time he offers. I get creams for my psoriasis but it’s steroid creams that I can only take when it flares up, I have inverted psoriasis too so being overweight does not help that at all! I’m changing my eating habits when the kids go back tomorrow, I’ve given myself a goal to lose weight before we go away in June. I know losing weight will help my confidence.
what someone said about him taking a back seat is exactly right - he works long hours, permanent nights, I cannot get him to do anything as ‘he works’. He don’t do bugger all with the kids, nothing to do with the house, just lays on the sofa when he’s home. I do appreciate that he brings in the money and works long hours but there’s only so much I can do on my own.

I’ve been through the counselling process and prior to it I would make every excuse known to man to cancel, reschedule, not attend etc as I’m such a private person that the thought of it horrified me.

What I will say is that everything was done at my pace, I was always made to feel comfortable, I trusted the people I was speaking to and never felt judged. I had built it into this terrifying process in my mind but ultimately it saved my life and it has helped me in so many ways. It can be a frightening prospect getting the ball rolling with it but if you don’t like it you don’t need to go back.

You’ve spoken to us on here and presumably felt a bit better from our responses and we’re not trained professionals!

Good luck with losing weight too, focussing on living healthier can definitely go a long way to helping your mind.

 

[ComeonLen]

I've been with my husband for 6 years and married for 5 months. And we never have sex, to the point of last year we only had sex 5 times the whole of last year, 3 of which was on honeymoon. We have 3 children but they aren't really the problem. It's him. He just isn't interested. I've tried loads of things to spice it, and I've tried speaking about it but again he just isn't interested.

I'm in my late 20's and I honestly worry I've made a mistake marrying him especially. Cause I don't want to be in sexless marriage. It's so isolating and lonely. It's like living with a friend. Not even a best friend.

You’re a young girl in your late 20s, I’ve only a few years on you and honestly if the relationship ended for you now you’ve still got PLENTY of time to find someone else. I’m not saying ditch him without perhaps trying to save the relationship first but if you’re already freaking out about making a mistake then please don’t settle for an unfulfilled life. I’m trying my best with my partner but he knows that if we haven’t sorted it out by the time I reach 34/35 I’m outta here. I want children and I’m not wasting my time with someone who won’t have sex with me in the first place to make them!!

 

[Laur91]

No clue. In fact he doesn’t even have a job right now. I’ve also been having some really bad family problems over the last few weeks and I feel like he hasn’t supported me at all I understand some situations are hard to sympathise with but even so. I suppose I am afraid of being alone

you are more than enough on your own though the fact that you’ve survived the last 3 years in a loveless relationship just shows how strong you are as a person, you’re still standing and have a lot to give by the sounds of it so you will make it alone and you will meet someone one day who shows you all the things he isn’t showing you and it will all be worth it. Don’t forget we only get one life, in years to come you don’t want to look back and think you lived YOUR life for him because you won’t get another shot at it. I’m the same age as you and we have our lives ahead of us, we’ve not peaked yet!

 

[Pineapple22]

No clue. In fact he doesn’t even have a job right now. I’ve also been having some really bad family problems over the last few weeks and I feel like he hasn’t supported me at all I understand some situations are hard to sympathise with but even so. I suppose I am afraid of being alone

I agree with everyone else, you deserve so much better. I hope you find the strength to walk away and put yourself first. Learn to love being alone until you meet somebody who treats you well and makes you happy.

 

[Riggs]

I must ask a question, from someone who doesn’t have children and admittedly is slightly more nervous to after reading this thread..why does the arrival of children seem to instantly put people off having sex with their partners/realise they don’t fancy them anymore etc? Is it the exhaustion or do you see someone differently after having a child with them? I always assumed it would make you see them differently but in a positive way yet a lot of these comments are negative?

Also to add to my previous reply, I even created a thread about it myself called 'How to fit it in when you have kids?' just for reassurance (and funny stories) of other couples that struggle to find time (or places to fit it in).

I think it’s very common for women to not be bothered about sex but find it very unusual when men aren’t (talking from experience with friends) most of my friends male partners that don’t want sex have either turned out to be gay or having an affair

I have been shocked at the sheer number of relationships on here where its the man not being interested in sex.

I suppose I am afraid of being alone

So many people have this fear but better to be on your own and in charge of your own life than have someone else bringing you down with their negativity and causing you more problems.

Hi, this is my first post on here and it’s taken me a lot of courage to speak up. I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years married for 11, we have 3 boys (23, not his) 16 & 9. We haven’t had sex for around 2 years. We’ve had a lot of problems in the past, although he’s never admitted it but I’m convinced he’s had numerous affairs as I’ve always found out some texts off his phone (was always passworded and never knew the password, he just always used to fall asleep with his phone open) the last time almost broke us cos he lied when he said he was with a friend of ours and I knew he wasn’t. Anyways, we didn’t break up and since then I’ve been numb inside with regards to our relationship. I can’t even bare the thought of having sex with him or even kissing him. It bothers him as he says he’s a changed man now but I can’t forget. I think he’s quite happy to watch porn so doesn’t pressure me too much. I don’t love him like that anymore but we do get on so so well, we rarely argue anymore.

We’re currently having debt problems, my youngest is going through assessments for autism and I’m suffering from clinical depression, I have piled on the weight since given up smoking 6 years ago, and I’m now suffering from psoriasis which effects my confidence so much. I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I don’t work, I’m studying at home for a degree with open uni, I’ve applied for jobs but I get so anxious and panic when I get offered an interview that I pull out . We’ve booked a holiday for turkey for June as we need the break but after that I think I need to sort something out. It’s not fair on either of us to keep going like this.
sorry for waffling

If you are convinced he has had affairs then that trust is gone, you will think that regardless and its a slippery slope when you start to lose that trust. Every time he stays out late, works late, opens a message or takes a call out of a room you are going to be on edge and thats no way to live for anyone. The fact that you can no longer even entertain the thought of having sex with him or even so much as kiss him speaks volumes about where your 'relationship' is now. Neither of you can be happy in this situation and while you are still civil it might be worth calling time on it if you truly dont fancy him at all anymore and keeping a freindship at least before you start to resent one another.

I've been with my husband for 6 years and married for 5 months. And we never have sex, to the point of last year we only had sex 5 times the whole of last year, 3 of which was on honeymoon. We have 3 children but they aren't really the problem. It's him. He just isn't interested. I've tried loads of things to spice it, and I've tried speaking about it but again he just isn't interested.

I'm in my late 20's and I honestly worry I've made a mistake marrying him especially. Cause I don't want to be in sexless marriage. It's so isolating and lonely. It's like living with a friend. Not even a best friend.

Thats a VERY young age to have a partner who simply isnt interested, especially when you have tried to spice things up and speak about it. Most partners would massively appreciate that sort of effort.

 

[SisterBliss]

My heart goes out especially to all the young women on here whose male partners are disinterested in being intimate with them. I know this is a touchy topic for men but with all the evidence that shows porn consumption is affecting relationships negatively, through giving men unrealistic expectations, damaging intimacy and even affecting them (and especially young men) physically to the point of destroying their libido and causing erectile dysfunction especially when faced with a real life partner, this issue might be worth exploring. Porn‘s been everywhere and easily accessible for almost two decades now, and the entire generation of young men has a very high risk of being addicted to it from a young age, research shows that boys as young as 11 are viewing the most violent content (which research shows is the most damaging) and it’s possible that normal sexual development is being stunted. There is a way out of that predicament but it usually requires therapy, so it might be worth talking to your partner and finding out whether this is something that’s affected them, and whether they’d be willing to seek help.

 

[Be More Pacific]

we are five years married, and our sex life is very busy. we have make a dairy and we count every time when we had sex. from the first day to till we had sex 2367 times. we both are crazy for sex.

Are you Ross from Friends?

 

[bubbletea123]

If your sex drive is low, try taking Maca vitamin. It can help!

 

[Prodcon21]

we are five years married, and our sex life is very busy. we have make a dairy and we count every time when we had sex. from the first day to till we had sex 2367 times. we both are crazy for sex.

This is a wind up surely?

 

[Greysanatomyfan]

I must ask a question, from someone who doesn’t have children and admittedly is slightly more nervous to after reading this thread..why does the arrival of children seem to instantly put people off having sex with their partners/realise they don’t fancy them anymore etc? Is it the exhaustion or do you see someone differently after having a child with them? I always assumed it would make you see them differently but in a positive way yet a lot of these comments are negative?

When I had my son my partner wouldn’t have sex with me when I was pregnant which I was absolutely fine with as I was ill most of the way through it but after my son was born I had an emergency c section but once I was feeling better and had stopped bleeding around 8 later we had sex for the first time and it wasn’t the best I was really self conscious but it got better I started to get to grips with the fact my body had changed but my partner didn’t care about my stomach being a bit wobbly he loves me just the same having a child does change your sex life but don’t let it put you off they don’t change it forever my son was sleeping through by 8 weeks and our sex live had gone back to normal by 3/4 months

Fast forward 4 years later my son still sleeps through yay but my partner works long hours now so we don’t have sex as much as we would like I’m tired he’s tired most nights cuddling in and sleeping are actually better than trying to have sex when you’re shattered and can’t be arsed it’s not kids that affect your sex life it’s just life in general but we still kiss and cuddled he tells me he loves me everyday it’s just finding the energy late at night that’s the problem we’ve booked a night away so I’m going to Ann summers to find some nice underwear making the most of the 2 child free nights we have coming up I’m even making sure I have a coffee before bed just so I can actually stay awake longer than I manage at home

But no my partner doesn’t see me any different now I’m a mum than he did before if I’m honest he actually loves the fact I’ve got a more curvy figure now which makes me feel good about myself

 

[Lynseyp]

This is a wind up surely?

I don't know what's worse the fact they've had sex 2367 times or the fact she's counted it
Got to be a wind up

 

[elloelloello]

we are five years married, and our sex life is very busy. we have make a dairy and we count every time when we had sex. from the first day to till we had sex 2367 times. we both are crazy for sex.

I remember my first boyfriend.

 

[Skyeball]

I'm early 40s, he's mid 40's and we've been together 24 years.
It's not that often. Sometimes it's once a month, though we'd both prefer more. Try for once a fortnight
He works a combination of very early day shifts and night shifts, I get up at 5:45am, start work at 7am and we have three kids.
One is an adult and also works early rotating shifts, so is upstairs before us or at home all day when we're both in and just for a extra kick in teeth, my periods are 10 to 12 day events. They're evil, I'm permanently anaemic.
When we do get to it, it's amazing. Worth waiting for!
The post vasectomy required 24 sessions is becoming an issue, so we made a video in a very locked down file to help him out a bit.
At least we both still fancy each other after all this time. That's good right?

 

[EiiiEiiiO]

I’m conflicted about posting because it’s not my story to tell but since it’s anonymous .. my cousin (my best friend) is going through this now.
I’m reading others posts so hoping it may help me to help her.
Her and her husband have been married for 7 years and haven’t had sex for 2.5years. They don’t kiss, or have any sort of intimacy at all.
We speak daily so I know how she’s feeling about it.. she’s frustrated, angry and lost. Unfortunately they have had conversations about it and it’s not gotten better. It started when she was taking some classes and working part time.. she was stressed and grumpy.. and so he kind of gave her space so she could “deal” w her stressors. The thing is that a month or two passed, then 6 months.. then a year etc.
she did attempt to initiate sex but he didn’t “respond” .. I.e. he couldn’t get it up. She was so mortified and felt so upset because she was hurt. She felt like he wasn’t attracted to her anymore . So that was the only and last time she tried initiating it. They have spoken about it and he says it’s not her but he is having issues with arousal. He went to a therapist..twice.
They set a deadline for January (this past month) and if nothing had changed they would separate. Nothing has changed and yet they haven’t made a move. She’s angry and resentful because she turns 40 in April and feels like she’s wasted all these years, doesn’t have a family (and w her age she feels that’s out now)...
I feel badly for her and for him. And I know I’m only getting her side of it .. it just makes me sad because they really are good together. They’re respectful and good friends but that’s not enough (IMO) like she says it’s like living with her brother.
I’m always going to support her no matter what happens but I’m at a point where I don’t know what to say. I told her she and he have to go to therapy together to work it out, that’s their only chance in my opinion. But being that they haven’t gone I told her that in my opinion was it was time to just break it off. This was a couple days ago..
I’m not sure if I should push her more to try but IMO when nothing has changed how long do you wait?

 

[Mayday]

I’m conflicted about posting because it’s not my story to tell but since it’s anonymous .. my cousin (my best friend) is going through this now.
I’m reading others posts so hoping it may help me to help her.
Her and her husband have been married for 7 years and haven’t had sex for 2.5years. They don’t kiss, or have any sort of intimacy at all.
We speak daily so I know how she’s feeling about it.. she’s frustrated, angry and lost. Unfortunately they have had conversations about it and it’s not gotten better. It started when she was taking some classes and working part time.. she was stressed and grumpy.. and so he kind of gave her space so she could “deal” w her stressors. The thing is that a month or two passed, then 6 months.. then a year etc.
she did attempt to initiate sex but he didn’t “respond” .. I.e. he couldn’t get it up. She was so mortified and felt so upset because she was hurt. She felt like he wasn’t attracted to her anymore . So that was the only and last time she tried initiating it. They have spoken about it and he says it’s not her but he is having issues with arousal. He went to a therapist..twice.
They set a deadline for January (this past month) and if nothing had changed they would separate. Nothing has changed and yet they haven’t made a move. She’s angry and resentful because she turns 40 in April and feels like she’s wasted all these years, doesn’t have a family (and w her age she feels that’s out now)...
I feel badly for her and for him. And I know I’m only getting her side of it .. it just makes me sad because they really are good together. They’re respectful and good friends but that’s not enough (IMO) like she says it’s like living with her brother.
I’m always going to support her no matter what happens but I’m at a point where I don’t know what to say. I told her she and he have to go to therapy together to work it out, that’s their only chance in my opinion. But being that they haven’t gone I told her that in my opinion was it was time to just break it off. This was a couple days ago..
I’m not sure if I should push her more to try but IMO when nothing has changed how long do you wait?

I would just be supportive and say you'll be there whatever she decides.

Maybe mention the having kids thing - is it still something she wants? I know you said she's worried with her age that it won't happen, but its not impossible. I know some people who had a kid in their early 40s, without IVF (although that is always an option), or she could always adopt of foster if thats something she's open to? It sounds as though this wouldn't be a possibility with her current partner, so would she be happy missing out (not that having kids is everything, but if its something she still wants) on that and staying with him, or do you think she'd resent him for it at some point?

I would also maybe say, if this was anyone else in that situation, what would she tell them? I think sometimes, we can be good at giving advice to others and telling them what we'd do in a situation, but not actually following through ourselves. If it was you in that situation, I doubt she'd tell you to stay right?