Sexless Relationships?

[SisterBliss]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years and we’ve not had sex for at least 18 months. At first it was all the excuses tiredness, depression, money, etc (all his end) but things have improved and nothing has happened. He’s never even said I love you He said he can’t love me as I don’t love myself which isn’t true. He says he cares about me but is not in love with me and never has been. We don’t even kiss anymore. Well I kiss him but nothing from him. He says I’m free to leave and find someone else but I don’t understand the situation and it breaks my heart. I’m almost 28 and he is 35 and I feel like we should be progressing but it’s not. He’s not depressed or anything either so it’s just me

Be very careful. By logic, if this is how he feels, he should have left of his own accord. The fact he stayed, is giving you a cold shoulder and gaslighting you about your self-esteem sounds like deliberate manipulation and passive aggressive controlling behaviour. If I were you I’d get out of that relationship asap, even if he begs you to stay, even if it breaks your heart now. You will get over it, but every year spent with that kind of person will make it harder. Like others have said, you deserve warmth, love, loyalty, support, intimacy and you need to be free to accept it from someone more worthy of your time. Don’t let some asshole play mind games on you. All the best! xx

 

[Bumblebee]

I’ve been with my partner over 20years and if im honest, if we never had sex again I wouldn’t be bothered.
It just doesn’t interest me. I go through the motions once or twice a week because it would be a big deal to him. I’m not that old. 43 and have never been hugely sexual. I’m not adventurous either. Hate oral sex (either way) I would much rather have a cuddle and a back rub. I find that much more intimate and loving than actual sex.

I don’t think I’m ‘normal’ but I don’t think it’s as unusual as you might think. A few friends have admitted that they just aren’t that into sex.

I joke that one of my famous crushes could enter the room and ravish me and I’d just ask him for a back rub.

 

[ComeonLen]

I just want to say a big thanks to everyone who has responded, it’s really comforting to know you’re not alone in your experience and that things can potentially improve.

Also happy to report that this horny bitch got laid last night after a gentle conversation with the Mr

I was being stubborn by refusing to always be the one to suggest sex because I felt like it was a knock to my ego or coming across as a desperate nag but when we talked about it my partner said he wanted to be held accountable for things more as he can get one track minded with work (his work is incredibly unpredictable and there’s always something kicking off).

I’m definitely going to try to relax a bit more and not panic or assume our relationship is doomed because we’ve not had sex in a while but I’m also going to try and be a bit more straight up with telling my guy that it’s business time! Xx

 

[Be More Pacific]

we are five years married, and our sex life is very busy. we have make a dairy and we count every time when we had sex. from the first day to till we had sex 2367 times. we both are crazy for sex.

Are you Ross from Friends?

 

[Dizzy]

To the OP and to others who are struggling with this - do you still kiss your partners? I mean properly kiss? Kissing is really intimate but I think it's often overlooked and under rated. Just going back to basics and spending time kissing can be really hot!

 

[PineappleQueen19]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years and we’ve not had sex for at least 18 months. At first it was all the excuses tiredness, depression, money, etc (all his end) but things have improved and nothing has happened. He’s never even said I love you He said he can’t love me as I don’t love myself which isn’t true. He says he cares about me but is not in love with me and never has been. We don’t even kiss anymore. Well I kiss him but nothing from him. He says I’m free to leave and find someone else but I don’t understand the situation and it breaks my heart. I’m almost 28 and he is 35 and I feel like we should be progressing but it’s not. He’s not depressed or anything either so it’s just me

You deserve affection, love, desire, and everything else your heart wants x

 

[lipsticktaser]

You deserve affection, love, desire, and everything else your heart wants x

What pineapple said.
you should be with someone who loves you x

 

[Looney toons]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years and we’ve not had sex for at least 18 months. At first it was all the excuses tiredness, depression, money, etc (all his end) but things have improved and nothing has happened. He’s never even said I love you He said he can’t love me as I don’t love myself which isn’t true. He says he cares about me but is not in love with me and never has been. We don’t even kiss anymore. Well I kiss him but nothing from him. He says I’m free to leave and find someone else but I don’t understand the situation and it breaks my heart. I’m almost 28 and he is 35 and I feel like we should be progressing but it’s not. He’s not depressed or anything either so it’s just me

As the saying goes hes just not that into you.. Break free and find your true love you deserve better love. Drop him he ain't interested, run free

 

[Prodcon21]

we are five years married, and our sex life is very busy. we have make a dairy and we count every time when we had sex. from the first day to till we had sex 2367 times. we both are crazy for sex.

This is a wind up surely?

 

[lipsticktaser]

Our sex life has dwindled too. Life just gets in the way. It’s the waiting Togo to bed, you’re tired, not feeling sexy in your pjs.
Then it’s a week, then a month, then two.
I don’t know how to fix it but it’s been so long I’ve lost the mojo. Doesn’t help that I’ve put on a tonne of weight and feel like an ugly heffer.
We kiss, we cuddle. Just don’t have time to spend to reconnect intimately.

 

[sarahboo]

My boyfriend and I have been together for just over 3 years and we’ve not had sex for at least 18 months. At first it was all the excuses tiredness, depression, money, etc (all his end) but things have improved and nothing has happened. He’s never even said I love you He said he can’t love me as I don’t love myself which isn’t true. He says he cares about me but is not in love with me and never has been. We don’t even kiss anymore. Well I kiss him but nothing from him. He says I’m free to leave and find someone else but I don’t understand the situation and it breaks my heart. I’m almost 28 and he is 35 and I feel like we should be progressing but it’s not. He’s not depressed or anything either so it’s just me

Just to confirm what everyone else is saying, you deserve to be loved & to have all the lovely things you want out of a relationship! I'd be seriously concerned if my OH hadn't said he loves me in three years of being together and said I could leave and find someone else, that seems quite manipulative to me but don't want to comment further as I don't know the ins and outs of your relationship! Personally, I don't like myself very much & put myself down all the time, my OH says this can be difficult for him sometimes but that's never stopped him loving me, that just seems like an excuse to pin it on you rather than his own issues. You deserve love & affection & someone who puts in the same time, energy & devotion you do to the relationship.

 

[ohok]

I was in this situation with my partner of (almost) 7 years.

It might be a different issue to the one you’re having, but I wanted to have sex with people but just not him. I loved him dearly as a friend but the intimacy just wasn’t there. For ages we blamed this and that - MH, finances etc but those things improved and the sex never came back.

We split this year and it was really hard because I didn’t want to lose my best friend. Our relationship hasn’t really changed though except we live in different houses now, we still have dinner together and stare at our phones in front of the TV twice a week

 

[nobrains]

Been with my hubby for 8 years. We used to have sex alot, then I got pregnant with our son and it dwindled. Our son is now 16 months and we've had sex 3 times since he was born. We have a mixture of problems 1) I dont feel confident because I never get time to 'prepare' 2) my husband doesnt come to bed he stays up playing on his xbox,when we have had sex he's gotten up after and gone to play it which makes me feel abandoned and cheap 3) I don't know if I am attracted to him anymore. I love him but I'm pretty sure it's more of a friendship love. I know I am capable of 'fancying' someone as I see men often and think wow but not about hubby. We've had issues besides sex and then sex has come up and he refuses to seperate as we have a house etc. I don't know what to do. I also feel like I wouldn't find anyone again because no one would want me.


P.S. sorry I felt like I was writing in a diary or something. Ive never been able to write or speak about how I feel. It's cathartic

 

[Veronica]

Ok so this is a sensitive subject that I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about so I’m hoping some different perspectives might help me.

I’m in a long term relationship, my partner & me get on very well, we rarely argue and often cuddle and hold hands BUT we rarely have sex and it’s really affecting me.

It’s been an issue for us now for the last couple of years and no matter how much we talk about it and the reasons why we don’t have sex, nothing seems to improve. I also don’t have a crazy high sex drive, like once a week would be fine with me but literally months go by! and we don’t have kids so it’s not like we don’t get the opportunity!

He says that it’s because he’s tired or not in the right frame of mind, I’ve asked him point blank if he’s just not attracted to me anymore and he says that’s not the reason. It’s just massively knocking my confidence because I’m always the one asking him if he wants to have sex.

We’re both in our early thirties and got together early twenties so it sometimes makes me think that maybe we’ve just grown apart & we aren’t compatible in that way anymore. He’s an amazing person and I know he cares about me but I need to feel wanted by a partner.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so how did you get through it? Are you in a relationship now in which you don’t have sex and you’re happy? Asking for a friend

I've been with my husband 20 years. I'm 42 and have 2 children. We've not had sex in almost 3 years.. He's not interested and struggled to climax which makes it feel like he is not attracted to me. I think it's been so long and we've lost that now I can't imagine ever getting it back. I wish we could but I can't see how. We have no physical contact at all these days. It's sad really.

 

[Alexi92]

Be very careful. By logic, if this is how he feels, he should have left of his own accord. The fact he stayed, is giving you a cold shoulder and gaslighting you about your self-esteem sounds like deliberate manipulation and passive aggressive controlling behaviour. If I were you I’d get out of that relationship asap, even if he begs you to stay, even if it breaks your heart now. You will get over it, but every year spent with that kind of person will make it harder. Like others have said, you deserve warmth, love, loyalty, support, intimacy and you need to be free to accept it from someone more worthy of your time. Don’t let some asshole play mind games on you. All the best! xx

Thanks for your advice It’s just hard as he’s a really nice person and has lots of friends and I look forward to seeing him but he’s so cold towards me when it comes to romance intimacy love etc His mum doesn’t even know about me

 

[spirals]

Been married 20 years, 2 kids. Have had sex once in the last 9 years. The time before that is when we conceived our son.
It's terrible. Mostly I just put it out of my mind or take care of myself. Now that the children are older (9 and 15) I am trying to find the courage to walk away. I have tried talking to him about it but he is simply not interested. Tested his testosterone and it was fine. The worst thing is not the lack of intimacy but the fact that he doesn't give a crap that I am unhappy and refuses to discuss it. I do love him otherwise I would have left a long time ago.

 

[midnightrose]

I think relationships can survive without sex...

 

[ChrissyPoo]

Been with hubby for almost 10 years. We don't always have penetrative sex, as (like someone above) I have endometriosis and it can be extremely painful. However, we are intimate in other ways. Sometimes we can go through "dry spells", but we always pick up again and keep the spark going. I'd say we're just as attracted to each other as we were when we first met, but we're not at it like rabbits like we were back in the day, now that we have kids and demanding jobs.

We both feel so much better after intimacy. It's definitely a huge stress reliever

Probably TMI but hubby is a fan of LoveHoney lingerie, so buying something from there once in a while helps too

 

[Greencatfysh]

Hi, this is my first post on here and it’s taken me a lot of courage to speak up. I’ve been with my husband for almost 18 years married for 11, we have 3 boys (23, not his) 16 & 9. We haven’t had sex for around 2 years. We’ve had a lot of problems in the past, although he’s never admitted it but I’m convinced he’s had numerous affairs as I’ve always found out some texts off his phone (was always passworded and never knew the password, he just always used to fall asleep with his phone open) the last time almost broke us cos he lied when he said he was with a friend of ours and I knew he wasn’t. Anyways, we didn’t break up and since then I’ve been numb inside with regards to our relationship. I can’t even bare the thought of having sex with him or even kissing him. It bothers him as he says he’s a changed man now but I can’t forget. I think he’s quite happy to watch porn so doesn’t pressure me too much. I don’t love him like that anymore but we do get on so so well, we rarely argue anymore.
We’re currently having debt problems, my youngest is going through assessments for autism and I’m suffering from clinical depression, I have piled on the weight since given up smoking 6 years ago, and I’m now suffering from psoriasis which effects my confidence so much. I honestly don’t know what to do, I feel stuck. I don’t work, I’m studying at home for a degree with open uni, I’ve applied for jobs but I get so anxious and panic when I get offered an interview that I pull out . We’ve booked a holiday for turkey for June as we need the break but after that I think I need to sort something out. It’s not fair on either of us to keep going like this.
sorry for waffling

I can’t comment on this in much detail as you are going through more than I ever did. But after ending a relationship of 6 years with someone I thought I’d marry, the pure relief and elation that comes from being single and independent after all of that, crying and being miserable all day, outweighs any wish I’d had that we could have stayed together or any love I felt for him. Don’t underestimate yourself and what you can achieve and don’t be scared to be alone, because ultimately you won’t be. And if eventually you meet someone else, that’s just a cherry on top

 

[Mercedes12]

I’ve been with my partner 2 years and the 2nd year our sex life has dwindled, especially since living together. We currently haven’t had sex for about 2 months - I think it’s a combination of novelty wearing off, being busy / tired and both having low sex drives. Because we’re both on the same page it doesn’t cause any issues (I think it would if one person wanted it more often than the other). Aside from a lack of sex life, we’re really happy and I know my partner is loyal. I would also never cheat in a million years.

I’ve got friends who said they have gone through similar phases with their partners and then their sex lives pick up for a while. Sadly I don’t know if it’s possible to keep that honeymoon period alive where you can’t keep your hands off each other