Sexless Relationships?

[ComeonLen]

Ok so this is a sensitive subject that I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about so I’m hoping some different perspectives might help me.

I’m in a long term relationship, my partner & me get on very well, we rarely argue and often cuddle and hold hands BUT we rarely have sex and it’s really affecting me.

It’s been an issue for us now for the last couple of years and no matter how much we talk about it and the reasons why we don’t have sex, nothing seems to improve. I also don’t have a crazy high sex drive, like once a week would be fine with me but literally months go by! and we don’t have kids so it’s not like we don’t get the opportunity!

He says that it’s because he’s tired or not in the right frame of mind, I’ve asked him point blank if he’s just not attracted to me anymore and he says that’s not the reason. It’s just massively knocking my confidence because I’m always the one asking him if he wants to have sex.

We’re both in our early thirties and got together early twenties so it sometimes makes me think that maybe we’ve just grown apart & we aren’t compatible in that way anymore. He’s an amazing person and I know he cares about me but I need to feel wanted by a partner.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so how did you get through it? Are you in a relationship now in which you don’t have sex and you’re happy? Asking for a friend

 

[bubbletea123]

Ok so this is a sensitive subject that I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about so I’m hoping some different perspectives might help me.

I’m in a long term relationship, my partner & me get on very well, we rarely argue and often cuddle and hold hands BUT we rarely have sex and it’s really affecting me.

It’s been an issue for us now for the last couple of years and no matter how much we talk about it and the reasons why we don’t have sex, nothing seems to improve. I also don’t have a crazy high sex drive, like once a week would be fine with me but literally months go by! and we don’t have kids so it’s not like we don’t get the opportunity!

He says that it’s because he’s tired or not in the right frame of mind, I’ve asked him point blank if he’s just not attracted to me anymore and he says that’s not the reason. It’s just massively knocking my confidence because I’m always the one asking him if he wants to have sex.

We’re both in our early thirties and got together early twenties so it sometimes makes me think that maybe we’ve just grown apart & we aren’t compatible in that way anymore. He’s an amazing person and I know he cares about me but I need to feel wanted by a partner.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so how did you get through it? Are you in a relationship now in which you don’t have sex and you’re happy? Asking for a friend

Ooh. This is a really sensitive topic and one that isn't really discussed. I am in a longterm relationship, we have been together for 6 years. We don't have sex much anymore but the reason is that I have endometriosis and the lesions cause pain during sex. We also got out of "routine", we moved and were very busy. I am quite nervous to have sex because the pain is unbearable. I am booked in for surgery for my endo next year so hoping that will improve the situation. Do you both work long hours? I know it isn't romantic but trying to "schedule" it can help. Haha.

 

[Boredinstagrammer29]

I’m in a fairly new relationship and we didn’t feel compatible so we kind of stopped. I brought up the conversation. It was awkward, we each threw digs at each other but eventually came to the agreement to try a position he preferred when I was close to climax in the position that worked for me. That was all well and good but we avoided sex for 3 more weeks and we both said we were worried (and nervous to give it a go). I confined in my friend who offered me to watch a sex tape she had made with her long term partner, I thought why the hell not. It shocked me to see what another average couple get up to and realised I needed to make it a little more exciting. We had sex the next day and he also improved his communication during sex to tell me what he liked so I did it some more. I suppose our issues are different as we’re not great at communicating, trying new things and a little shy.

but anyway, he says not being into you isn’t the reason so can he communicate what is? I know with us we love each other but damn were tired we get up at 5:30am and have to walk the dogs each night so by 9pm we’re well and truly shattered. We can share what has worked for us but ultimately he needs to be a little more open about his libido with you

Hope that helps x

 

[Twinkle485]

I’ve been with my partner for 13 years. We have children. We have sex every other month. He sleeps on the sofa most of the time. I don’t love him the way I did it’s 100% gone to loving a friend. I respect him a hell of a lot he works his a off for us I’d be devastated if we ended but only because I’ve known him forever and his there everyday. I think as we age we change I’m not who I was 13 years ago and neither is he.
I’m happy with the way things are though. If you aren’t and his not happy to make an effort have you thought of maybe an open relationship? Or even staying friends and dating other people?
Or flipping it he could have an undiagnosed medical condition? Even to the point of depression, for now get a toy until you can I guess do it more.
Also throwing it out there do you ever try to make the move on him or are you always leaving him to it? Some men really do have low sex drives.

 

[Bumblebee]

I’ve been with my partner over 20years and if im honest, if we never had sex again I wouldn’t be bothered.
It just doesn’t interest me. I go through the motions once or twice a week because it would be a big deal to him. I’m not that old. 43 and have never been hugely sexual. I’m not adventurous either. Hate oral sex (either way) I would much rather have a cuddle and a back rub. I find that much more intimate and loving than actual sex.

I don’t think I’m ‘normal’ but I don’t think it’s as unusual as you might think. A few friends have admitted that they just aren’t that into sex.

I joke that one of my famous crushes could enter the room and ravish me and I’d just ask him for a back rub.

 

[Veronica]

Ok so this is a sensitive subject that I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about so I’m hoping some different perspectives might help me.

I’m in a long term relationship, my partner & me get on very well, we rarely argue and often cuddle and hold hands BUT we rarely have sex and it’s really affecting me.

It’s been an issue for us now for the last couple of years and no matter how much we talk about it and the reasons why we don’t have sex, nothing seems to improve. I also don’t have a crazy high sex drive, like once a week would be fine with me but literally months go by! and we don’t have kids so it’s not like we don’t get the opportunity!

He says that it’s because he’s tired or not in the right frame of mind, I’ve asked him point blank if he’s just not attracted to me anymore and he says that’s not the reason. It’s just massively knocking my confidence because I’m always the one asking him if he wants to have sex.

We’re both in our early thirties and got together early twenties so it sometimes makes me think that maybe we’ve just grown apart & we aren’t compatible in that way anymore. He’s an amazing person and I know he cares about me but I need to feel wanted by a partner.

Has anyone been in a similar situation? If so how did you get through it? Are you in a relationship now in which you don’t have sex and you’re happy? Asking for a friend

I've been with my husband 20 years. I'm 42 and have 2 children. We've not had sex in almost 3 years.. He's not interested and struggled to climax which makes it feel like he is not attracted to me. I think it's been so long and we've lost that now I can't imagine ever getting it back. I wish we could but I can't see how. We have no physical contact at all these days. It's sad really.

 

[ComeonLen]

We don't have sex much anymore but the reason is that I have endometriosis and the lesions cause pain during sex.

This must be so hard to deal with, I really feel for you and I hope your partner is kind & understanding xx

I suppose our issues are different as we’re not great at communicating, trying new things and a little shy.

100% this - my partner is a lot more reserved and shy than I am, any new positions or anything we’ve tried it’s because I’ve researched and asked him if he’d like to try it. It feels quite one sided at the moment with me trying to come up with ideas and him being happy to try it but then it just fizzles off again.

 

[Boredinstagrammer29]

This must be so hard to deal with, I really feel for you and I hope your partner is kind & understanding xx



100% this - my partner is a lot more reserved and shy than I am, any new positions or anything we’ve tried it’s because I’ve researched and asked him if he’d like to try it. It feels quite one sided at the moment with me trying to come up with ideas and him being happy to try it but then it just fizzles off again.

maybe his libido has changed. We can all chat and support you but ultimately your partner has the answers. It’s such a sensitive issue to broach and may stem from somewhere you haven’t even thought of. Be gentle and try to have a chat with him

 

[Mercedes12]

I’ve been with my partner 2 years and the 2nd year our sex life has dwindled, especially since living together. We currently haven’t had sex for about 2 months - I think it’s a combination of novelty wearing off, being busy / tired and both having low sex drives. Because we’re both on the same page it doesn’t cause any issues (I think it would if one person wanted it more often than the other). Aside from a lack of sex life, we’re really happy and I know my partner is loyal. I would also never cheat in a million years.

I’ve got friends who said they have gone through similar phases with their partners and then their sex lives pick up for a while. Sadly I don’t know if it’s possible to keep that honeymoon period alive where you can’t keep your hands off each other

 

[bexgreen1983]

I have been with my husband for 14 years (married 5) we have not had sex since conceiving our second child... I'm gutted. I feel like he doesn't fancy me anymore

 

[ChrissyPoo]

Been with hubby for almost 10 years. We don't always have penetrative sex, as (like someone above) I have endometriosis and it can be extremely painful. However, we are intimate in other ways. Sometimes we can go through "dry spells", but we always pick up again and keep the spark going. I'd say we're just as attracted to each other as we were when we first met, but we're not at it like rabbits like we were back in the day, now that we have kids and demanding jobs.

We both feel so much better after intimacy. It's definitely a huge stress reliever

Probably TMI but hubby is a fan of LoveHoney lingerie, so buying something from there once in a while helps too

 

[Dizzy]

I'm sorry to hear you're having problems, I know how much pressure problems with sex can put on a relationship. My first marriage ended largely down to issues with sex. Thankfully I'm now in a much happier relationship with a great sex life which I really do cherish and appreciate. I guess the point I'm making is that you need to be honest with yourself and your OH. Do you still want to have sex with your partner? Do you miss it? Personally a sexless relationship wouldn't work for me, I think sex is incredibly important and can't be substituted by anything else. It was only by finishing my first marriage and starting this relationship that I realized how much I'd missed it. I hope you find some answers.

 

[SisterBliss]

I’m really sorry you are struggling with this issue, I know how you feel. My hubby and I love each other very much, but some years ago I got seriously ill and for many years we simply couldn’t have sex because I was too poorly. I’m still not at 100%, and he is working three jobs to keep us prosperous and comfortable and most of the time he is exhausted. So even though we had great sex life for many years, things have been a struggle for a while now. But what helps is we talk honestly about it, we try our best, and we share intimacy and affection in other ways when sex is not on the table. So while I’m not saying that it doesn’t affect my self-esteem and sense of security sometimes, it really helps to be open, loving and on the same page. If you can’t achieve that by yourselves, then I would recommend counselling, it might help air out the issues and it might help you grow as a couple. Best of luck! xx

 

[Dizzy]

To the OP and to others who are struggling with this - do you still kiss your partners? I mean properly kiss? Kissing is really intimate but I think it's often overlooked and under rated. Just going back to basics and spending time kissing can be really hot!

 

[Youngmum29]

My husband and I have been together 10 years. We have 2 kids and he works night shifts so obviously Our situation is a bit different to yours, but, we are polar opposites when it comes to sex. He’d honestly do it 6 times a day if he could whereas I’m happy to do it a few times a week or less.

Communication is absolutely key and we spent a long time not openly discussing why we were both unhappy with our sex lives. we talk about it now without judgement but it does take a toll on us sometimes because we can’t find a happy medium.

I would suggest couples therapy if there’s no obvious reason behind your lack of a sex life. Opening up is going to be crucial to getting to the root of the problem.
Good luck!

 

[lipsticktaser]

Our sex life has dwindled too. Life just gets in the way. It’s the waiting Togo to bed, you’re tired, not feeling sexy in your pjs.
Then it’s a week, then a month, then two.
I don’t know how to fix it but it’s been so long I’ve lost the mojo. Doesn’t help that I’ve put on a tonne of weight and feel like an weird heffer.
We kiss, we cuddle. Just don’t have time to spend to reconnect intimately.

 

[Veronica]

Our sex life has dwindled too. Life just gets in the way. It’s the waiting Togo to bed, you’re tired, not feeling sexy in your pjs.
Then it’s a week, then a month, then two.
I don’t know how to fix it but it’s been so long I’ve lost the mojo. Doesn’t help that I’ve put on a tonne of weight and feel like an weird heffer.
We kiss, we cuddle. Just don’t have time to spend to reconnect intimately.

Yep totally get this.

 

[Horatio]

Wow, to me this thread is even more interesting than the ‘how much do you earn’ one. An even less discussed topic.

I think there can be so much pressure put on sex in a relationship- how much you should be having, what you should be doing - it can become a real neuroses for people, when it should be the most natural thing. The more you can relax with your partner, listen to your instincts and get out of your head, usually the better results.

That and communication as others have said. To not be embarrassed to say what you like and don’t like and not resent or pressure the other person either. When I was younger I hated giving head because I thought my mouth was too small and had so much anxiety that it was ‘expected.’ I always felt and still do that a blow job is about the most intimate thing you can do - more so than regular penetrative sex. But since getting older with a more understanding partner who would never pressure me into it, I’ve found it not such a terrifying thing after all...

Sorry I know I’m a little off topic. But I’ve also been in a relationship in my twenties when we barely had sex - at an age you’d expect we would. Again though that came down to an inability to relax. And we actually began having much more sex as time went on. But no one would ever have guessed.

Of course I don’t have experience of sex ending in a serious long term as was originally discussed. But I think if you are still affectionate - cuddles, kisses etc then you definitely still have lots to work with. If you barely touch one another, something special is lost but doesn’t mean it can’t be got back. But either way, it has to be addressed or the relationship will die. Not that you have to have sex, if you’re both happy with other types of intimacy or whatever works for you both, then great. But you have to be on the same page.

 

[ComeonLen]

I just want to say a big thanks to everyone who has responded, it’s really comforting to know you’re not alone in your experience and that things can potentially improve.

Also happy to report that this horny witch got laid last night after a gentle conversation with the Mr

I was being stubborn by refusing to always be the one to suggest sex because I felt like it was a knock to my ego or coming across as a desperate nag but when we talked about it my partner said he wanted to be held accountable for things more as he can get one track minded with work (his work is incredibly unpredictable and there’s always something kicking off).

I’m definitely going to try to relax a bit more and not panic or assume our relationship is doomed because we’ve not had sex in a while but I’m also going to try and be a bit more straight up with telling my guy that it’s business time! Xx

 

[Riggs]

I think there can be so much pressure put on sex in a relationship- how much you should be having, what you should be doing - it can become a real neuroses for people, when it should be the most natural thing. The more you can relax with your partner, listen to your instincts and get out of your head, usually the better results.

I agree and the more you feel pressured the less you actually WANT it in what would be considered a natural organic way. Feeling pushed into thinking you MUST have sex a set amount of times to be classed as a normal relationship isnt going to result in great enjoyable sex. If you feel like you are just ticking it off for that time period and it has reset the clock until you feel its been long enough to have to do it again to be on a normal sex life schedule then it will become a chore instead.

That and communication as others have said. To not be embarrassed to say what you like and don’t like and not resent or pressure the other person either. When I was younger I hated giving head because I thought my mouth was too small and had so much anxiety that it was ‘expected.’ I always felt and still do that a blow job is about the most intimate thing you can do - more so than regular penetrative sex. But since getting older with a more understanding partner who would never pressure me into it, I’ve found it not such a terrifying thing after all...

I find far too many people are self concious these days and people are too shy to say what they want and what they enjoy. I totally agree that oral sex is the single most intimate thing you can do and not something that should be taken or given lightly. It takes trust, understanding and patience and I know so many women that have been flat out intimidated that much by it that they simply refuse to do it.

Sex is messy it isnt how its portrayed in movies or on TV and people need to not take that aspect so seriously and just do what they want to do and have a laugh about things. Ive tried explaining this too my wife too as shes really self concious about it and rarely lets me give her oral either because shes really self concious about it.

Of course I don’t have experience of sex ending in a serious long term as was originally discussed. But I think if you are still affectionate - cuddles, kisses etc then you definitely still have lots to work with. If you barely touch one another, something special is lost but doesn’t mean it can’t be got back. But either way, it has to be addressed or the relationship will die. Not that you have to have sex, if you’re both happy with other types of intimacy or whatever works for you both, then great. But you have to be on the same page.

Everyone always goes on about how the honeymoon period fades and sex gets less frequent when you have been together longer. That might be true but its usually because you see each other all the time the chance of sex is always there so its not as exciting. Also life takes over as you get older and bills and pressure in other areas of life mount up.

However where most people fall down is 'As you said' intimacy over sex, if you arent touching, kissing and being intimate in more ways than a simple quick sex session every now and again it doesnt tend to have the same emotional connection over time.

Ive said it to people before that when you are first together you are essentially 'peacocking' and trying to show yourself off to the other person and pulling out everything in your locker to impress them but over time thats an unrealistic standard you are setting that you cant keep up. Once that stage fades and you dont feel such a need to impress once you have them they start to think you have gone off them because you arent throwing every sexual move you know at them all at once. However if someone was confident enough to do them when they were first together and barely knew the other person why is it that suddenly people lack the confidence once they have been together a little while?

I just want to say a big thanks to everyone who has responded, it’s really comforting to know you’re not alone in your experience and that things can potentially improve.

Also happy to report that this horny witch got laid last night after a gentle conversation with the Mr

I was being stubborn by refusing to always be the one to suggest sex because I felt like it was a knock to my ego or coming across as a desperate nag but when we talked about it my partner said he wanted to be held accountable for things more as he can get one track minded with work (his work is incredibly unpredictable and there’s always something kicking off).

I’m definitely going to try to relax a bit more and not panic or assume our relationship is doomed because we’ve not had sex in a while but I’m also going to try and be a bit more straight up with telling my guy that it’s business time! Xx

Very happy to hear that and nice that all it took was some communication and a gentle nudge. Keep us informed and throw in any tips you pick up on the way incase anyone else finds themselves in a situation like this.