I had a spine chilling moment when a woman I knew told me, with a completely straight face, that she invited her abuser round to her safe house because she was ‘lonely’. Never mind that he came close to killing her before that, had to flee for her life & she spent months in temporary accommodation under she was housed at a safe distance over 200 miles away. She chose to have his child after he had beaten her & had coercive sex with her (yes, it is rape but she couldn’t hear that). She brought him right back into the heart of the family.
The thought that she might sit with her ‘difficult’ feelings, thank her lucky stars that she, & her two small children, were free to have a safe life & make new friends counted for nothing. Alas, she then went on to have another child with a different man who after a while beat her up. More police intervention, more social services involvement, another safe house & a huge amount of upset for three small children.
I now understand what Erin Pizzey meant when she stated that some women are equal partners in the abusive relationship. The tragedy is that children are brought up in this dysfunctional family dynamic.
What it is about having a child within a few months of a new relationship? Sealing the deal?
Is having a child so soon a form of commitment rather than a marriage as a statement & rite of passage?
Why when a woman barely knows the man does she make a commitment to him, by having a child, in no time at all?
I’m a card carrying social liberal, but life has shown me that I have grew up with rose tinted spex on & I find myself less tolerant as I see for myself the plight of children subject to the vagaries of selfish parenting & short term choices taken.
To get back on topic ... I give you Katie & Kerry.
This is the bit I struggled to get. She told me that she thought the new guy would be a good provider - as is her father -but she made that decision based on the flimsiest of evidence, mostly what he told her. That she should wait to get to know him better before bringing him into the home & meeting her children, let alone shag him, just did not register.
Back on topic - do some celebs & their quick-fire baby making set an example for others to follow or do they reflect society’s values in general?
According to Tom Bowers speaking on LBC this morning, Mosley paid five prostitutes to Nazi uniforms & speak German during the orgy.
Judge much? There's a lot more going on than 'she invited her abuser round to her safe house because she was ‘lonely’ '
what must have brought her to a point in her life that she would make this shattering decision rather than 'sit with her ‘difficult’ feelings, thank her lucky stars'.
Have you ever felt so desperate, worthless and alone that you would choose to be in a situation or with a person who could feasibly kill you?
How many addicts and vulnerable people are damaged partly because they *can't* sit with their difficult feelings?
Why do people repeatedly turn to drugs and alcohol when those difficult feelings come up?
Or turn to self harm, shopping, gambling, dangerous situations or binge eating?
Why does someone who's been repeatedly abused seek out the abuse again and again? Why are there patterns to destructive behaviour?
Rose tinted specs and a Liberal attitude are fine but they are not getting to the root of any of the issues.
In order to help the children we have to help the parents.
The services who support dv victims are very limited, these people need as much input as someone in rehab but there just aren't enough resources and until the root cause is treated people will return again and again to what hurts them. Its familiarity which is perversely comfortable. They feel its all they're worth, it's all they understand or they believe this time it will be different. They have nobody else to support them.
And a million other reasons why
I recommend Gabor Mate as a starting point if you want to learn more about how to compassionately support people with trauma and self destructive behaviours.
Eta : Reading this kind of thing could be enough to send women back to the person who hurts them, thinking everyone thinks bad of them.
it's very easy for an abuser and groomer to reassure that person that he is on their side and the only one who really understands etc. It's not crystal clear
Sure she will have help, but when the kid is 20 she will be 70. She thanks science for allowing her to have a child at her age, but what about the child you are bringing into the world? Selfish bint!