BIRTHDAY SURPRISE HOLIDAY AWAY VLOG RECRAP
We open with it being Sina's birthday and I swear Anna makes more of of a fuss over that dog than she ever does with any of her children. The doggos make Alessia cry but Anna couldn't care less. The Witch says that they watch a tv show or a movie once a night, and the night before, they binged....and Anna brags that she stayed up
until 11pm. Probably unheard of for her. LOL. In the background, Alessia says "I don't want weetabix" to which the Witch replies, "oh, it's Saturday, you can have something else.... look...it's chocolate croissant day." As if they only get them on the weekends. Anna then imitates Albi's parking and complains that the poor dogs were parking...and that Albi peed in the house and she had to clean it up. OMG. The kids were just given chocolate croissants, yeah? This is followed up by a bowl of chocolate cereal. Wonderful.
Jonathan talks to the camera and tells us that they're going to a Spa as Anna's birthday surprise. They have to go away, because he can't 'get out of parent mode' when he's in the same town as the kids. I don't have kids so I don't relate, but I'd argue that most parents are even more concerned when they leave the kids with a new nanny?
Poor Alessia is scolded for going up the stairs with a bottle of nail polish and spilling it. Anna is whining that she didn't want THAT for her birthday. I really hope Alessia isn't getting a cold while Anna talks to Eduardo. Anna keeps talking about the carpet - I mean, honestly, you have four kids and six dogs - there will be stains! Accept it already that you don't live in fucking Elle Decoration.
For some reason Anna dictates Eduardo how to spell the message on her birthday card... surely, Jonathan could have helped? It makes it seem like she's making her child write whatever she wants to hear! LOL.
Jonathan then tells Anna to pack a bag for their surprise. She's immediately having a meltdown because he makes it sound like they are going on a boat and she "doesn't like boats." So she's reluctant to even pack, that ungrateful witch.
Jonathan tells the camera how he picked a hotel with an outdoor spa. Smart choice in November, right? "You need to turn off Mom mode." Aw. Bless. This woman has no Mom Mode. There's a Witch Mode. And there's a Princess Mode. Emilia is crying when they are leaving and Alessia wanted to com. Anna's laughing off. That's your Mom mode right there. Jonathan asks "are all the postcodes in Germany the same?" What kind of moronic question is that? Obviously not!!! They talk about an old trip with a nudist spa. I'm tuning out because, yeah. What I did catch was Anna saying "I let my kids see me naked all the time." Umm....WHY?! I mean, surely, it can happen, but... 'all the time'? Eww. Then Jonathan chimes in "I've seen you naked a few times." To which she replies "You don't as much." Okay. That settles that. I didn't think she'd let him mount her all that often but... if the kids get to see her naked more... I mean...what...?! Why? Where? HOW? Jonathan says "a man's body can be quite scary to a child." WHAT? Seriously what?! Anna "I remember vividly taking baths with my Mom...and then sometimes taking showers with my dad and for some reason...the male form...is kinda scary. Maybe only for girls...?" I'm so grossed out by this entire conversation. I'm sure my dad bathed me when I was a child, but we certainly weren't in the shower together at the same time. If you do it with a baby as a matter of convenience, maybe... but with a child that is old enough to remember it? And remembers being scared of the naked dad? WHAT THE FUCK.
Their destination is Pennyhill Park, a 5* Resort Hotel. They do a room tour, there's a awkward couple scene where Jonathan pretends to bite Anna's shoulder because he's hungry. I'm just grossed out and so is Anna. Then they're lounging by the pool and Anna is on her phone the entire time. Jonathan is looking forward to his 40s cause his 30s were so great. There's a super dumb conversation about ageing, then we see Jonathan with his robe oben and I need some bleach for my eyes. Jonathan opens some Champagne for Anna's birthday... but...the Mrs doesn't even drink any. She however gets very excited about the cups at the Hotel. Afterwards they are off to to dinner and Jonathan creeps on the kids via spy cam on their walk to dinner.
In the next scene they are in bed and Anna has taken her make-up off... it always makes me laugh - her pale, rosy face...that is a complete different color than her foundation. And the final scene is them waking up...I guess...it's the next day, Anna has makeup on and says "I'm not ovulating" and it's somehow teased that she forgot her mini pill or something? God help us all.