Relationship issues and relationship talk

[Codiaeum]

Well done for calling the police, that must have taken a lot of courage! You will never waste their time, your safety is priority and the fact that he was taken into custody shows that the behavior is wrong in many levels. You did not do this to him, remember that - it is his behavior and his drinking. He might see it as a signal that he needs help with the alcohol, he might not. It is not your job to be that help or make him accept help.

Good point about changing the locks in case of a copy of your keys. I’d also advise to get a cheap camera to monitor your door. That can also help,you in case he shows up again and you can document it and call the police without needing to interact with him. Please consider telling someone at work, in case he shows up there again.

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

I’m definitely getting a camera and got the locks changed. I still feel bad, I do love him, but he was scaring me when he’d had a drink
I don’t know what the police are going to do but they said he’s now on bail and can’t contact me or come to my address etc. I’ve told them I don’t want to give a statement or take it further.
I’m gutted this didn’t work out, I won’t put myself out there ever again, I’m just going to be alone, it’s easier that way x

 

[Erling Haaland]

I’m definitely getting a camera and got the locks changed. I still feel bad, I do love him, but he was scaring me when he’d had a drink
I don’t know what the police are going to do but they said he’s now on bail and can’t contact me or come to my address etc. I’ve told them I don’t want to give a statement or take it further.
I’m gutted this didn’t work out, I won’t put myself out there ever again, I’m just going to be alone, it’s easier that way x

I hope everything is ok now. Everything you described about that situation was terrifying. Please don’t let him worm his way back in again xxxx

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

I hope everything is ok now. Everything you described about that situation was terrifying. Please don’t let him worm his way back in again xxxx

Thank you xx
I won’t, as much as I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t think he’d contact me anyway, he will be livid that he got arrested, especially if they can prove he was drink driving. He’ll lose his job if they can, and it will make things very difficult for him having his son. I can imagine he’ll hate me now x

 

[YeahBrackie]

Thank you xx
I won’t, as much as I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t think he’d contact me anyway, he will be livid that he got arrested, especially if they can prove he was drink driving. He’ll lose his job if they can, and it will make things very difficult for him having his son. I can imagine he’ll hate me now x

How are you doing now? I hope you're okay

 

[whoareyouu]

Thank you xx
I won’t, as much as I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t think he’d contact me anyway, he will be livid that he got arrested, especially if they can prove he was drink driving. He’ll lose his job if they can, and it will make things very difficult for him having his son. I can imagine he’ll hate me now x

Maybe so, but he needs to sort himself out for the sake of his son. He’s a grown adult and he made the choice to drink despite knowing it turns him into a monster.
I was with someone who was the same when he drank but would never take responsibility for himself and seek help. He then ended up being an awful human being and it was 6 years of abuse which has ducked me up for life, basically. X

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

How are you doing now? I hope you're okay

Hey I’m ok, thank you for asking. Had some family things happen end of this week too which has kept me occupied. Still feel sad it came to this xx

 

[InkHeart]

Hi Tattlers. I have a question about physical abuse, so I will put it behind a cut

Spoiler: Tw: hitting

If a guy hit you on the bum a lot, to the point where it was really painful and you often had to run away, or walk around not turning your back to him, would you consider that violence?

I guess I never thought of it that way, because he passed it off like it was sexual teasing and he always grinned when he did it. But it really hurt, it didn't feel like a normal slap on the bum. And he knew I was always trying to get away or not turn my back to him. Today I was just wondering is this any different than being slapped across the face?

 

[Codiaeum]

Hi Tattlers. I have a question about physical abuse, so I will put it behind a cut

Spoiler: Tw: hitting

If a guy hit you on the bum a lot, to the point where it was really painful and you often had to run away, or walk around not turning your back to him, would you consider that violence?

I guess I never thought of it that way, because he passed it off like it was sexual teasing and he always grinned when he did it. But it really hurt, it didn't feel like a normal slap on the bum. And he knew I was always trying to get away or not turn my back to him. Today I was just wondering is this any different than being slapped across the face?

I'll put my answer behind a spoiler as well:

Spoiler: spoiler

Yes, this would count as violence. It does not matter where you have been slapped, whether he meant it in a sexual fashion or that he was laughing, the key point is: it hurt you. You were actively trying to avoid being with your back towards him or even trying to get out of reach. You did not consent to being slapped.
Please, if you have not already, remove yourself from this man

 

[InkHeart]

I'll put my answer behind a spoiler as well:

Spoiler: spoiler

Yes, this would count as violence. It does not matter where you have been slapped, whether he meant it in a sexual fashion or that he was laughing, the key point is: it hurt you. You were actively trying to avoid being with your back towards him or even trying to get out of reach. You did not consent to being slapped.
Please, if you have not already, remove yourself from this man

Thank you so much. I have already left this man. I loved him very much and I thought he was a good guy who had attachment issues that stopped him from being a good partner. Lately I've been coming to terms with the fact he was abusive.

I don't know why, but the other day, I realised out of the blue that he did actually hit me, I just for some reason didn't categorise it in that way.

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

 

[Captainmouse]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

You need to contact womans aid for help

 

[whoareyouu]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

No, it isn’t normal behaviour from him.

I went through something similar and it took an intervention staged by my mam involving a woman who went through the same as me to realise how ducked it all was. You cannot help this man. He is saying he is going to blame you. He is literally going to try to implicate you to save his own skin. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care for you, he is a parasite. I would speak to the police again and advise what he is saying to you.

You cannot be in touch with or help this man. Please, I beg of you.

You are trauma bonded. I remember screaming and crying on the floor begging my ex not to leave. I told myself I’d be better. I tried to change every single element of myself to stop him reacting. I believed that if only I was better that he’d be happier. All I had done wrong is try to give everything to a man who was using me and didn’t care for me.

I met someone new a year after my ex moved out and not once has he raised his voice, called me a name or made me feel unsafe. I know I’m ducked up now because I see that normal behaviour as something special when it should be the standard.

You have got this babe and I’m hear to listen and help as much as I can. You CAN do this. X

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

No, it isn’t normal behaviour from him.

I went through something similar and it took an intervention staged by my mam involving a woman who went through the same as me to realise how ducked it all was. You cannot help this man. He is saying he is going to blame you. He is literally going to try to implicate you to save his own skin. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care for you, he is a parasite. I would speak to the police again and advise what he is saying to you.

You cannot be in touch with or help this man. Please, I beg of you.

You are trauma bonded. I remember screaming and crying on the floor begging my ex not to leave. I told myself I’d be better. I tried to change every single element of myself to stop him reacting. I believed that if only I was better that he’d be happier. All I had done wrong is try to give everything to a man who was using me and didn’t care for me.

I met someone new a year after my ex moved out and not once has he raised his voice, called me a name or made me feel unsafe. I know I’m ducked up now because I see that normal behaviour as something special when it should be the standard.

You have got this babe and I’m hear to listen and help as much as I can. You CAN do this. X

Thanks so much xx
Hearing what you went through made me feel so sad for you, it’s mad how I can see how wrong it is when reading what someone else has gone through, yet when it comes to yourself you just can’t see it
I feel really sad for him, it’s so wrong.
I’ve never had a nice relationship, even my marriage of 11 years, I just took it and thought that was how life was. It’s taken me 10 years after divorce to be in a proper relationship again, and after this one I don’t think I could do it again
I’m glad you’ve found someone who treats you how you should be treated. I agree, it should come as standard. I always seem to get “you just want to be treated like a princess”, and I don’t, I just want to be treated right and with respect

 

[LouBug19]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

Reading this has reminded me of what happened with my ex. I got him arrested when he had been drinking as he was kicking off, threatening to kill me etc. He was arrested the sunday morning and I felt relieved but by the Monday after people even telling me to leave him and the police advising me that he might kill me i took him back. He was on bail and he came back to live with me and I had to hide him for months. I didn't want him prosecuted and made it clear I wouldn't turn up for any trial. He blamed me for everything, asking why I told the police what he did and I was thinking because you did?! I honestly regret every decision I made in that time. I cared about him too much, I wanted the best for him and that ducked me up. He died 3 years later and that also ruined me and I wish I had listened to all those people telling me to run. So I would say to you stay away from him. He will never change and you will regret this decision.

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Reading this has reminded me of what happened with my ex. I got him arrested when he had been drinking as he was kicking off, threatening to kill me etc. He was arrested the sunday morning and I felt relieved but by the Monday after people even telling me to leave him and the police advising me that he might kill me i took him back. He was on bail and he came back to live with me and I had to hide him for months. I didn't want him prosecuted and made it clear I wouldn't turn up for any trial. He blamed me for everything, asking why I told the police what he did and I was thinking because you did?! I honestly regret every decision I made in that time. I cared about him too much, I wanted the best for him and that ducked me up. He died 3 years later and that also ruined me and I wish I had listened to all those people telling me to run. So I would say to you stay away from him. He will never change and you will regret this decision.

I’m so sorry you went through that. They never admit they’re in the wrong and take responsibility for their actions.
I’ve told him I’m done and won’t be trying to help him further. His response was I’ve bought you a candle. Just another attempt to keep me dangling.
I’ve never felt so drained in my life. Can’t wait until all this is behind me and I only have myself to worry about x

 

[LouBug19]

I’m so sorry you went through that. They never admit they’re in the wrong and take responsibility for their actions.
I’ve told him I’m done and won’t be trying to help him further. His response was I’ve bought you a candle. Just another attempt to keep me dangling.
I’ve never felt so drained in my life. Can’t wait until all this is behind me and I only have myself to worry about x

I look back now and think what was i thinking? Im now I'm a healthy happy relationship where I feel safe and loved. That's all I wanted in life. They will drag you down to their level and use anything to keep you but unfortunately alcohol makes them very selfish people who only care about themselves. I never wanted him to die but in all honesty it was my only escape out of that relationship. It's so draining and im sending my love to you. Look after yourself and just remember what he has put you through.

 

[Erling Haaland]

My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc

without wanting to sound harsh, he clearly hates you. What exactly are you getting from this ‘relationship’?

i agree you need to contact Women’s Aid ‍🩹

 

[Meringue22]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

I think calling your local Domestic Abuse helpline would be useful. Also, as others have suggested, women’s aid x

 

[lallallalalalalalala]

So many of you on this thread are having such an awful time, but so glad you're getting support and advice.

I feel so silly writing this one but I'm considering leaving a good man just because I have no sex drive any more. We have been together fifteen years,since teenagers, and have two young kids - 2 & 4. I don't want to have sex very often. He wants it. He never forces me - but there's just this sad, angry air in our house all the time because he feels rejected by me and angry I don't want him. I don't know how to change how I feel. I don't know how to change how he feels. I keep thinking the only solution is to walk away from him so he can find someone who matches his desire. But that would really cause problems for our children. Help!