Relationship issues and relationship talk

[neverbeeninfluenced]

This seems the right place to post this but it’s not a busy thread but here goes.

Married for 13 years, it’s not always a happy place but I thought I could put up with it and play the long game. Problem is that basically when he doesn’t get his own way my husband is a horrible manipulative bully. I find myself walking on egg shells so as not to create a situation but an incident yesterday has tipped me over the edge.
He wanted me to sew a button on his work trousers, it keeps popping off but he won’t do anything about getting some new bigger ones. They are work issued and he only has one pair so I don’t think this an unreasonable request. Anyway I was busy and didn’t have time to do it so he spat the dummy out. I very rarely ask him for help as it’s always banked etc and have just learnt how to be self sufficient in a marriage but straight away the nastiness comes out well don’t expect me to help with …..
I just walked away and went out of the house to do the things that meant I couldn’t do it. Came back and asked him did he want a drink and get a barrage of abuse. No I don’t want you to do anything for me, that shirt you bought me for my birthday you can stick up your arse etc your such a selfish cow I don’t want to do anything with you so I’ve cancelled the dinner we were going to on Saturday for my birthday.
I go into the room to talk to him but he just talks over me which gets me so frustrated that I start shouting. I know I’m in the wrong here but I just need to get my point across. Anyway at the point I make an angry head shake move, I was about 4 foot away from him and he bolts into my personal space and raises his hand and has a really angry nasty face. If you didn’t know him you’d think he was going to hit you but I know he wouldn’t hit me but this is a regular tactic to intimidate me. He’s 6’3” and I’m 5’7”. He says he did it as he was reacting to my physical threat - like Wtaf!
Sadly this didn’t end there because I didn’t back down and I started calling him a nasty bully. And then the next thing is he held up a turned on iron to the side of my face. Randomly at this point I feel he has crossed a line. I know reading this the line was crossed well before this.

He then apologised but again he manipulates it in that he is apologising for his reaction to me. Never actually taking ownership.
Basically if you had done as I asked I wouldn’t have got mad. If you hadn’t shouted I wouldn’t have have retaliated.

Basically how the heck do I get out of this.

 

[whoareyouu]

This seems the right place to post this but it’s not a busy thread but here goes.

Married for 13 years, it’s not always a happy place but I thought I could put up with it and play the long game. Problem is that basically when he doesn’t get his own way my husband is a horrible manipulative bully. I find myself walking on egg shells so as not to create a situation but an incident yesterday has tipped me over the edge.
He wanted me to sew a button on his work trousers, it keeps popping off but he won’t do anything about getting some new bigger ones. They are work issued and he only has one pair so I don’t think this an unreasonable request. Anyway I was busy and didn’t have time to do it so he spat the dummy out. I very rarely ask him for help as it’s always banked etc and have just learnt how to be self sufficient in a marriage but straight away the nastiness comes out well don’t expect me to help with …..
I just walked away and went out of the house to do the things that meant I couldn’t do it. Came back and asked him did he want a drink and get a barrage of abuse. No I don’t want you to do anything for me, that shirt you bought me for my birthday you can stick up your arse etc your such a selfish cow I don’t want to do anything with you so I’ve cancelled the dinner we were going to on Saturday for my birthday.
I go into the room to talk to him but he just talks over me which gets me so frustrated that I start shouting. I know I’m in the wrong here but I just need to get my point across. Anyway at the point I make an angry head shake move, I was about 4 foot away from him and he bolts into my personal space and raises his hand and has a really angry nasty face. If you didn’t know him you’d think he was going to hit you but I know he wouldn’t hit me but this is a regular tactic to intimidate me. He’s 6’3” and I’m 5’7”. He says he did it as he was reacting to my physical threat - like Wtaf!
Sadly this didn’t end there because I didn’t back down and I started calling him a nasty bully. And then the next thing is he held up a turned on iron to the side of my face. Randomly at this point I feel he has crossed a line. I know reading this the line was crossed well before this.

He then apologised but again he manipulates it in that he is apologising for his reaction to me. Never actually taking ownership.
Basically if you had done as I asked I wouldn’t have got mad. If you hadn’t shouted I wouldn’t have have retaliated.

Basically how the heck do I get out of this.

OK. First of all, know none of this is your fault and you can and will get through this.

Have you told anyone IRL?
Are there any children involved?
Do you share assets? Like a purchased home etc.
Do you have the financial ability to leave?

I have been there. I wasn’t married and he didn’t physically hit me but it was exactly as you describe, even down to the button incident.

Please contact Women’s Aid.

 

[klarakluckbag]

You seem to be justifying his behaviour because he doesn't "physically" hurt you. Does he need to hurt you before you feel that you can walk away?
I've been in this type of situation. You think that it's not quite bad enough, or that it will get better over time...which it won't.
It's quite telling how you've mentioned "playing the long game" more than once, I guess that's not working out as planned? You, and your child, can have a better life than this. You may not live in such a big home (although it doesn't mean that he can either), you may not have as much money, you may struggle for a time. But I can promise you that you and your child will have a vastly improved quality of life when you are away from this man.

I can also promise you that this type of behaviour always gets worse. It always escalates. You don't need to wait until it does.
Stay safe

 

[lockdown sux]

YOU ARE NOT WASTING POLUCE TIME ! Your safety is a priority.
Dont feel bad that he is in custody he brought it on himself. Even if you get the key back he could have copies. Get a new lock.

 

[givemethenight]

Thank you for your comments.
I’ve took steps to build up a support network and told a friend so I now feel like I’ve got support network and somebody to go to.

On Monday I sent him a message as I’ve often found this to be the best way to make him listen. He has an adult daughter from a previous marriage and I just asked him what he’d do if she said her boyfriend had held an iron to her face. He didn’t respond. When he got back from work I said have you seen my message.
His response was why are you bringing this up now I thought we’d settled it yesterday. Sorry I was sick of arguing after having a hot iron held up to my face. Him - it wasn’t hot. Erm yes it was as I felt the heat in my face. Well you put your face in the way of the iron. Yes so apparently in his version I put my head on the ironing board while he was ironing. Sure the police will believe that story!

I don’t know whether I’m being naive but I actually don’t feel like he would ever physically hurt me so I’m actually not afraid as such (appreciate this sounds stupid and naive). He thinks he is threatening me but I see him for what he is which is a bully who is using his size to intimidate and get his own way and actually he is coward.

Whether or not he would actually physically hurt you doesn’t really make a difference - the threat of violence is disgusting. And the fact he lacks any accountability and tries to split hairs with you over how bad it was and what actually happened is crazy - any normal and rational person would be absolutely horrified if they behaved that way and would be falling over backwards to apologise and make it up to you - not try and gaslight you into thinking it didn’t happen how you know it did, or to try to minimise it.

It’s still abuse. I’m sorry

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

He turned up again so the police have dealt with it now: thank you for all your advice xxx

 

[Captainmouse]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

You need to contact womans aid for help

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

Well done for getting the police to deal with. You are not wasting their time, please don’t think that. It’s an awful situation for you. Can you get your locks changed today?

Thank you x
I feel so bad though, he’s in custody. He needs help he turns into a different person when he’s been drinking, it’s really sad.
Yeah can get them changed today, the police id get my key etc for me x

 

[whoareyouu]

i was with this man and was blinded by him thought he was the one, turned out from day 1 he was cheating, he used to turn on the sob story every Friday when my wages got paid so I would end up lending him money but never once got a penny back, it makes me sick as it’s in to the thousands, just sort of moved himself in my home and never contributed anything. Found out he is a cocaine addict. I cut contact about 5/6 months ago and have nothing to do with him but since Christmas time he keeps driving round past my house multiple times a night, comes into the street and has been stood at the bottom of my path (all at 12/1am & he will be under the influence), he’s also going out of his way to bring me up to people calling me every name under the sun, he caused trouble for me at work and I’ve lost my work.
I don’t know what to do about this situation anymore or how to deal with it, I feel creeped out and paranoid all the time as if I’m being watched.
I don’t understand his game. Can anyone offer any advice how to maybe deal with this thanks x

Please contact the police.

 

[Codiaeum]

Well done for calling the police, that must have taken a lot of courage! You will never waste their time, your safety is priority and the fact that he was taken into custody shows that the behavior is wrong in many levels. You did not do this to him, remember that - it is his behavior and his drinking. He might see it as a signal that he needs help with the alcohol, he might not. It is not your job to be that help or make him accept help.

Good point about changing the locks in case of a copy of your keys. I’d also advise to get a cheap camera to monitor your door. That can also help,you in case he shows up again and you can document it and call the police without needing to interact with him. Please consider telling someone at work, in case he shows up there again.

 

[givemethenight]

This seems the right place to post this but it’s not a busy thread but here goes.

Married for 13 years, it’s not always a happy place but I thought I could put up with it and play the long game. Problem is that basically when he doesn’t get his own way my husband is a horrible manipulative bully. I find myself walking on egg shells so as not to create a situation but an incident yesterday has tipped me over the edge.
He wanted me to sew a button on his work trousers, it keeps popping off but he won’t do anything about getting some new bigger ones. They are work issued and he only has one pair so I don’t think this an unreasonable request. Anyway I was busy and didn’t have time to do it so he spat the dummy out. I very rarely ask him for help as it’s always banked etc and have just learnt how to be self sufficient in a marriage but straight away the nastiness comes out well don’t expect me to help with …..
I just walked away and went out of the house to do the things that meant I couldn’t do it. Came back and asked him did he want a drink and get a barrage of abuse. No I don’t want you to do anything for me, that shirt you bought me for my birthday you can stick up your arse etc your such a selfish cow I don’t want to do anything with you so I’ve cancelled the dinner we were going to on Saturday for my birthday.
I go into the room to talk to him but he just talks over me which gets me so frustrated that I start shouting. I know I’m in the wrong here but I just need to get my point across. Anyway at the point I make an angry head shake move, I was about 4 foot away from him and he bolts into my personal space and raises his hand and has a really angry nasty face. If you didn’t know him you’d think he was going to hit you but I know he wouldn’t hit me but this is a regular tactic to intimidate me. He’s 6’3” and I’m 5’7”. He says he did it as he was reacting to my physical threat - like Wtaf!
Sadly this didn’t end there because I didn’t back down and I started calling him a nasty bully. And then the next thing is he held up a turned on iron to the side of my face. Randomly at this point I feel he has crossed a line. I know reading this the line was crossed well before this.

He then apologised but again he manipulates it in that he is apologising for his reaction to me. Never actually taking ownership.
Basically if you had done as I asked I wouldn’t have got mad. If you hadn’t shouted I wouldn’t have have retaliated.

Basically how the heck do I get out of this.

This is really really frightening. The iron?! Oh my lord.

It must be a horrible environment to live in walking on eggshells like this. You say you’ve stayed together mainly for your child, but children are not stupid and they will be picking up on this and may be damaged by it.

I’m sorry to say, but if this behaviour is not a one off, it does seem like you are past the point of no return. No-one should be living under the threat of violence (and really awful violence) with someone who is supposed to love and protect you.

I’ve not been in this situation myself and so don’t feel qualified to offer and more advice, but just wanted to validate your feelings and let you know his behaviour is not normal and completely unacceptable. X

 

[margaretta]

Thank you for your comments.
I’ve took steps to build up a support network and told a friend so I now feel like I’ve got support network and somebody to go to.

On Monday I sent him a message as I’ve often found this to be the best way to make him listen. He has an adult daughter from a previous marriage and I just asked him what he’d do if she said her boyfriend had held an iron to her face. He didn’t respond. When he got back from work I said have you seen my message.
His response was why are you bringing this up now I thought we’d settled it yesterday. Sorry I was sick of arguing after having a hot iron held up to my face. Him - it wasn’t hot. Erm yes it was as I felt the heat in my face. Well you put your face in the way of the iron. Yes so apparently in his version I put my head on the ironing board while he was ironing. Sure the police will believe that story!

I don’t know whether I’m being naive but I actually don’t feel like he would ever physically hurt me so I’m actually not afraid as such (appreciate this sounds stupid and naive). He thinks he is threatening me but I see him for what he is which is a bully who is using his size to intimidate and get his own way and actually he is coward.

Well done to having the courage to post what is going on.

I am sorry to say that you are being slightly naive thinking he will never take it a step further and you need to remove yourself and your child from this abusive marriage as soon as possible.

Abuse takes many forms, not just physical, and even though you may have your own income, any controlling money matters could be counted as coercive control.

Domestic violence should now have a higher priority with the police and if I were you, i would contact the Refuge helpline for advice on your exit plan.

Just because he hasn’t hit you yet, doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to hit you, or isn’t capable of hitting you. This situation feels so volatile that reading it, it feels like when rather than if.

Do keep a secret diary, maybe with your friend, and diarise every incident of abuse - and it is abuse - as you will likely need it when negotiating a settlement and access. Whatever you do, don’t have it anywhere where he may find it.

Sending you many hugs xxx

 

[Quarrantinemadness]

I’m definitely getting a camera and got the locks changed. I still feel bad, I do love him, but he was scaring me when he’d had a drink
I don’t know what the police are going to do but they said he’s now on bail and can’t contact me or come to my address etc. I’ve told them I don’t want to give a statement or take it further.
I’m gutted this didn’t work out, I won’t put myself out there ever again, I’m just going to be alone, it’s easier that way x

 

[whoareyouu]

Gosh, thank you so much for ‘validating’ what I’m feeling. In situations like this there I feel the perpetrator makes the victim feel like they are to blame. He wouldn’t have done it if I had just sewn on the button. He got in my personal space as he thought I was getting into his first etc
Friends know he is a bit of a dick
We do have a child - this has always been the reason I was happy to play the long game and sacrifice my happiness as long as our child wasn’t impacted
We do have a house but with this I feel like he’s financially bullied me. In that he got a redundancy so paid off the mortgage so in his eyes most of the house is his.
I do have some savings and I do work - thankfully

Once again. Thank you

Honestly, I’ve been there and it puts you in a place where you blame yourself by thinking ‘if I’d done that he would be happy’ but men like that are never happy. It’s never enough.

I am glad to hear you have some means to support yourself if you leave. I would suggest speaking to a solicitor also. You will have equal rights to the property unless otherwise documented. My ex was entitled to 50% of my equity despite the house only being in my name.

I’m guessing you haven’t told your friends because you don’t want them to judge him? As sometimes it’s OK and you think it will be fine if you just ‘do better’?

You can do this.

 

[InkHeart]

I'll put my answer behind a spoiler as well:

Spoiler: spoiler

Yes, this would count as violence. It does not matter where you have been slapped, whether he meant it in a sexual fashion or that he was laughing, the key point is: it hurt you. You were actively trying to avoid being with your back towards him or even trying to get out of reach. You did not consent to being slapped.
Please, if you have not already, remove yourself from this man

Thank you so much. I have already left this man. I loved him very much and I thought he was a good guy who had attachment issues that stopped him from being a good partner. Lately I've been coming to terms with the fact he was abusive.

I don't know why, but the other day, I realised out of the blue that he did actually hit me, I just for some reason didn't categorise it in that way.

 

[qqwertyy]

It really should just be as easy as block his number, change the locks and call the police if he turns up. Thank god you don’t live with him.

But as we all know the most dangerous time when you’re involved with an abusive man is when you try to leave. I agree that you might need to contact a women’s organisation to help you to do it properly.

 

[whoareyouu]

You seem to be justifying his behaviour because he doesn't "physically" hurt you. Does he need to hurt you before you feel that you can walk away?
I've been in this type of situation. You think that it's not quite bad enough, or that it will get better over time...which it won't.
It's quite telling how you've mentioned "playing the long game" more than once, I guess that's not working out as planned? You, and your child, can have a better life than this. You may not live in such a big home (although it doesn't mean that he can either), you may not have as much money, you may struggle for a time. But I can promise you that you and your child will have a vastly improved quality of life when you are away from this man.

I can also promise you that this type of behaviour always gets worse. It always escalates. You don't need to wait until it does.
Stay safe

Exactly this. I didn’t see it as abuse because he hadn’t hit me…yet. He damaged the house, threw things at me and damaged my things. He didn’t put the iron to my face. That’s sick and I’m concerned about you.

 

[whoareyouu]

Hi everyone, posted here before about my ex partner. Since I posted I haven’t been allowed to see him as he’s on bail, but we have spoken secretly because I’m pathetic and feel like he needs help.
I told the police I didn’t want to support a prosecution or provide a statement. It appears they are nearing the end of their investigation and are referring the case to the CPS, so they believe they have grounds to prosecute for DV.
My ex has said that he’s just going to blame me so they don’t take it further and tell them it was all my fault that he used to call me all kinds of names, threatened to destroy me for cheating on numerous occasions (I have NEVER cheated, it’s all in his head when he’s drunk) turning up at my house at all hours hammered shouting at me etc
I’ve been through every single one of our messages and I’ve never been like that to him, but for some reason I’m worried.
I can’t seem to grasp that I’m not in the wrong, and that it wasn’t right the way he was speaking to me. He’s adamant that none of what he’s said or done matters because he hasn’t physically hit me.
I feel like I need help, like counselling. I’ve had to give up my career due to ill health so only work a few hours a week now in a basic job, so I can’t be affording £100 a session counselling, but then I can’t go to my GP for NHS help because they have me down as living at my parents house (I lied as I don’t want to move surgery) and letters always end up being sent there despite me saying I don’t want letters.
when I was in really bad health in and out of hospital my mum would always open the letters to help me out remembering appointments and procedures etc, so now she just opens all letters sent there as they’re all medical. I can’t suddenly say don’t open my letters as she’ll know something is wrong. I just know a letter would slip through the net and end up on their doormat!
I feel like I’ve got nowhere to turn. I’m questioning myself, like is it normal for a partner to be like he was, and have I been too sensitive? But then at the same time surely his messages and actions were not right if the police are referring to the CPS?
Why do I care more about helping my ex than my own sanity and well being? Why can’t I just turn my back on him?
Sorry if none of this makes sense x

No, it isn’t normal behaviour from him.

I went through something similar and it took an intervention staged by my mam involving a woman who went through the same as me to realise how fucked it all was. You cannot help this man. He is saying he is going to blame you. He is literally going to try to implicate you to save his own skin. He doesn’t love you, he doesn’t care for you, he is a parasite. I would speak to the police again and advise what he is saying to you.

You cannot be in touch with or help this man. Please, I beg of you.

You are trauma bonded. I remember screaming and crying on the floor begging my ex not to leave. I told myself I’d be better. I tried to change every single element of myself to stop him reacting. I believed that if only I was better that he’d be happier. All I had done wrong is try to give everything to a man who was using me and didn’t care for me.

I met someone new a year after my ex moved out and not once has he raised his voice, called me a name or made me feel unsafe. I know I’m fucked up now because I see that normal behaviour as something special when it should be the standard.

You have got this babe and I’m hear to listen and help as much as I can. You CAN do this. X

 

[LouBug19]

I have spoken to them once when I did a Clare’s law after one episode of him turning up drunk one morning. They asked me about his behaviour etc and I told them how he is, they asked if I wanted to take it further, so I said no, but because I’ve made them aware and it’s concerning behaviour it will come up should anyone make a Clare’s law application in the future

Your safety matters, whether that be changing the locks or blocking him but if he is just going to turn up then thats concerning. My best advice would be to phone the police. I phoned the police when my ex kicked off in the house, he smashed up things and threatened to kill me. He was drunk so I thought he might sleep it off but in the morning he still hadn't calmed down so I had no choice. They turned up very quickly, arrested him and kept him in overnight. He was issued bail conditions not to contact me or enter my street. Stupid me though allowed him another chance (something I really regret now) and all I can say if that someone like that won't change, especially with drink. I can relate to you so much with the tears making us feel guilty because we care. Trust me when I saw you'll be better off in the long term doing this.

 

[Captainmouse]

Thank you I will do x
I know, he’s turned up plastered in the morning before now shouting and being agressive. Not really, no one knows what he’s like as I’ve only told one person. I’ve got animals I can’t leave either. I’ve put the catch thing on the door so it can’t be opened xx

You need to change the locks so he can’t get in when you are out