Relationship help

[Frenchie]

Well I was going to post how he was lovely to my daughter the other week helped her out etc, she then pops in and he’s back to square one We had a chat and he says this place don’t feel like his (fair enough I shared with my ex) but no hope of moving and he knew this when he moved in, said he feels unimportant to my daughter, even the dog said he wants his own kids, she’s not his.

 

[Pot2PeeIn]

My mother got with a man who didn’t have his own children- he never understood the dynamics. Never would.

 

[ada-lovelace]

Sorry this is my partner, it’s a long story !

When I told him (my partner) she was pregnant he was livid, didn’t talk to me!

Please leave him frenchie, go to citizens advice if it’s money etc you’re worried about. My mum was with someone who wasn’t interested whatsoever with her children and it all ended in tears.
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I know what I need to do; I am working a 30 hour week can anyone help with knowing if I’d get financial help being single?

You’d probably be entitled to universal credit if you left him, it depends how much you’re earning? What’s your salary?

 

[Frenchie]

Omg, why are you still with him? Kick him out. Enjoy your life, spend time with your daughter she will need you more than ever and enjoy your gran baby once they arrive.

You've been posting about how shit he is for 4 years?? I cannot understand why he's not living in his mums spare room at this point. Where did he live before he moved in with you and your daughter moved out?!

His mums spare room!!

 

[Frenchie]

I deep down know what I need to do (I think) but then we do have good times, his family are lovely, he’s done and bought a lot for the house, moneys a big part with me not working I know which if tables were turned I’d find it hard , I feel like it’s 1 step forward 10 back

 

[Frenchie]

@Frenchie , aside from the other good advice youve had, one thing that leapt out at me is you say he explains it by saying he wants a child of his own, but do you want more children? I can't help thinking that it sounds controlling and like he's using it as a plausible sounding excuse because he knows his attitude towards your daughter is off.

Maybe 10 years ago yes but tbh I’m not sure now

 

[emm]

Thats what I was thinking sick of having big arguments then going back to like it never happened because I know I would be bloody soul destroying to do but either way I'm screwed living with a partner that takes piss never do anything together etc or fighting to get my investment back he didn't pay the deposit my dad gifted me it. Partner put nothing in i paid legal fees etc he just pay half of bills and mortgage but he wants half of everything

good luck, you have a good case if your dad gave you money etc as that is easily proven. ugh you def sound better of without him!

 

[Frenchie]

Thank you, I’m not sure I said this without looking back but his dad died when he was 16, maybe that’s had an impact, I’m not sure but I know I need to sort this one way or another

 

[emm]

Question has anyone been in a relationship break up with a mortgage involved? How did you draw the line with the arguements and decide to sell up etc I really need to know how people get the strength to do it

i dont want to be very negative but withiut a marriage contract this js a total minefield... my friend who is a family lawyer spends a lot of time on this and has always insisted that none of her friends ever buy somewhere without being married first as a lot of it without that contract can just come down to how good your lawyer is... my advice is the best lawyer you can get

 

[Hello Kitty]

It’s not really relationship help but I’m posting this on behalf of a friend. My friend had liked this guy for about a year now, they have had a sort of “friends with benefits” situation for a while and she has started to like him. She doesn’t know whether to tell him or not because she is quite certain he only wants her for “friends with benefits” but she thinks he must like her to some extent to keep sleeping with her? I’ve tried to give my advice that she should tell him if she really feels she wants to but to be prepared for his answer which likely will not be what she is looking for

This happened to me years ago - we knew from the start that it we was only 'friends with benefits' and he even said he finished with his last girlfriend as it was getting too serious and he didn't want that. He was a really great guy with an amazing career and I appreciated that he was so honest, but I did start to have feelings for him and it went from the FWB stage to texting him as if we was seeing eachother.

Unless this man expresses an interest in the friend other than physical, I would tell her not to waste her time. She should meet other people, who want something more than this man is offering. Life is too short to hanker after something you can't have.

Agree with this!

 

[Frenchie]

I echo what everyone here has said but also wanted to ask, What has your daughter said about it?

She hasn’t really as he doesn’t make it that obvious in front of her, funnily enough she gets on well with him

 

[Frenchie]

I think you know what you need to do.
Are you scared of being alone and perhaps think being with him is better than being with no one?
If your daughter were in this situation what advice would you give her?
I wouldnt waste another second of my precious time on this man child.
Life is short believe me, don't spend it being unhappy.

Your right, he’s said tonight he wants his own family, it’s nothing to do with my daughter, he needs to decide what he should do

 

[Frenchie]

Thank you everyone, it’s just a rotten situation that I do know I need to get out of, it’s like I’m finding myself hiding baby things for my grandchild, I’ve shown him nothing as that will be wrong, he’s not in the slightest bit interested, calls me ‘granny’ and he can’t believe he’s going out with a granny!
Yes and I can’t bloody wait but he’s spoils my happiness

 

[littlepup]

I’m minimum wage xx

Try this benefits calculator https://www.entitledto.co.uk/?

 

[Frenchie]

At the end of the day only you can make a decision. It’s clear you love your daughter and spending time with your family. I hope you work something out.

Thank you x

 

[Frenchie]

Sorry a lurker here but I had to reply. Please leave him I’m the daughter of someone who was married to a narcissist with no social skills who isolated our mum and made us feel very unwanted. He was friendly enough infront of our mum but a total shitbag when it was just us and made it very clear our mum was ‘his’. It became abusive and we had to help our mum leave him and thank fuck she did. Please protect your relationship with your daughter it should be the priority.

I think this is what he is, a narcissist , I’ve been doing my research and he has all the traits
things are getting tough again, I’ve been quite poorly and he’s shown no empathy to me, he’s also started to be …..look at me, I’m good, I’m the best etc, it’s very draining and I’m at a loss what to do.

 

[Interestingbitsnbats]

good luck, you have a good case if your dad gave you money etc as that is easily proven. ugh you def sound better of without him!

Easier said than done he never sees my point of view everytime it's me out of order says the most hurtful things and I don't think he loves me anymore its just about owning etc

 

[Frenchie]

Just wanted to share my story which is similar to yours a bit my mom dated a man who never had children and honestly didn’t understand the dynamic I actually lived with my mom and her partner who from the moment he moved in wanted my mom to himself and made it very aware he has never wanted children however that did change unfortunately down to my mothers age never happened.

There was me the eldest and my younger sister and brother from the moment he moved in it was a very much a him and us vibe instead of my mom taking us to school I would have to and this man didn’t want my mom getting out of bed before a certain time over time the relationship got worse and unfortunately did turn abusive he did end up hitting my mom and she did throw him out only to have him back a few days later. This became a pattern.

They are still very much together almost ten years later and I honestly pity her I’m currently 8 months pregnant with my first child her first grandson she had made comments about babysitting and her partner has made comments about it being there chance to be parents and constantly calls my baby there son it’s very strained when I’m alone with the partner although nice to each other I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him he too struggles with social engagements and that’s very apparent with family get togethers.I know I couldn’t trust the partner alone with my child and I end up feeling sick knowing my baby would be in his presence and because of that my son may potentially lose out on memories with his nan. In turn she will lose out on time with her grandson as the relationship has become strained due to her relationship with the partner.

i don’t want to upset you just wanted to give you a possible glimpse in the future I have no doubt your daughter is aware of how your partner feels even if she doesn’t voice it to keep the peace and maybe she will have a baby one day too I just hope she doesn’t feel like I do now where you know there’s no way of fixing things I do hope you keep the strong relationship and I have no doubt you love your daughter.

Thank you so much for your post, I’m sorry you’ve gone through it, I really don’t know what to say I’m at a loss what to think and do xx

 

[Tricham]

Could he be on the spectrum somewhere? Not wanting to meeting new people, not aware of others feelings and not good with emotions are all traits

My hubby is on the spectrum and this thought did enter my head too.

 

[Interestingbitsnbats]

Question has anyone been in a relationship break up with a mortgage involved? How did you draw the line with the arguements and decide to sell up etc I really need to know how people get the strength to do it