Relationship help

[Keepitw0nky]

I won’t tell you what you should do, but if I imagine myself in the same situation I would end it. Your relationship and quality time with your daughter and family are invaluable and no1 priority, if someone doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to understand that and not be a cry baby about it that’s their problem. He doesn’t sound willing to adapt so why are you expected to.

 

[LittleMy]

Thank you for your replies
Well it’s happened again, I went out to meet her for peace, she wanted to come up so I lied and met her elsewhere, not seen her in 2 weeks for various reasons, we did pop back with my mum too, he’s all lovely when she’s around but she knows, (mum) .
it’s ridiculous and I’ve had enough, I’m not going to post here no more about it, it’s hard to Know what to do, as tomorrow he will no doubt be lovely until the next time, trust me I love my daughter with all my heart

I can tell you love your daughter very much, and as you say, it’s hard to know what to do when he’s being otherwise charming. I just think it’s a shame you feel you have to meet up with your daughter elsewhere because of what your partner thinks. There shouldn’t be an atmosphere, your partner should accept your relationship with your daughter. I hope it all works out well for you, whatever you decide to do x

 

[TheWitchIsBack]

Just wanted some other people’s views as I’ve no one to talk to , I’ve been with my partner 2 years, he has no children, when we met he never wanted to meet my daughter she’s 20, didn’t want to come round etc (she’s since moved out into her own place)
He’s a bit of a quiet one only his mum and brother in his little circle, he’s never wanted to go to parties/bbq/ or meet my family, in fact he’s only met my parents and brother and one friend (I’ve a big family)
Just lately we’ve been arguing , take yesterday, my daughter works long hours I was passing hers and brought some of her washing home, she’s in a flat so no drying place, I’m still not working so time on my hands (that’s another thing we row about) he says to me, why are you doing it what about the electric
It’s like it’s just him and his family and mine doesn’t matter, in fact when we met he said it’s just us, no mention of my daughter, I don’t even know if this makes any sence just needed to sound off .

This is the start of controlling and manipulative behaviour... this will only get worse over time until you’ve been isolated from the people you love. Run a mile and do it fast!!!!

 

[Raininvain]

I think you need to leave him OP, your daughter is much more important than him. He sounds abusive to me and trying to isolate you. I'd start making arrangements to move on, see a solicitor etc. Theres thousands of men out there who will treat you better than this guy does. It sounds like theres something wrong with him.
Your boyfriend should have stayed single if he was going to carry on like this and just had casual realtionships. If you buy a house with someone, enter into a relationship etc, then obviously you need to make an effort with that persons family. Just fuck him off.

 

[Keepitw0nky]

I deep down know what I need to do (I think) but then we do have good times, his family are lovely, he’s done and bought a lot for the house, moneys a big part with me not working I know which if tables were turned I’d find it hard , I feel like it’s 1 step forward 10 back

Usually when you’re unsure about someone there’s a reason why, and 98% of the time that reason won’t change. This is a bit dramatic but it’s how I reason things myself sometimes- imagine god forbid something happened to one of your close family members, would you regret not spending as much time with them or that the time you have spent was dictated/tainted by someone else? A partner should add to your life not take away x

 

[Daisybell88]

You shouldn't have to juggle your relationship with him and your relationships with your mother and daughter - a good partner wouldn't try and make you. At the end of the day, your daughter was there before him and she'll be there after him too.

The fact that you say he doesn't care if you're upset is so concerning too, what kind of partner can't support someone when they're upset?

Ultimately its your choice and its so easy to sit at a keyboard and say you need to end it, but for the sake of your own mental health and your relationship with your daughter, its something you need to give some serious thought.

 

[Rockin' Robin]

It’s not really relationship help but I’m posting this on behalf of a friend. My friend had liked this guy for about a year now, they have had a sort of “friends with benefits” situation for a while and she has started to like him. She doesn’t know whether to tell him or not because she is quite certain he only wants her for “friends with benefits” but she thinks he must like her to some extent to keep sleeping with her? I’ve tried to give my advice that she should tell him if she really feels she wants to but to be prepared for his answer which likely will not be what she is looking for

Unless this man expresses an interest in the friend other than physical, I would tell her not to waste her time. She should meet other people, who want something more than this man is offering. Life is too short to hanker after something you can't have.

 

[Makeupartist23]

Just wanted to share my story which is similar to yours a bit my mom dated a man who never had children and honestly didn’t understand the dynamic I actually lived with my mom and her partner who from the moment he moved in wanted my mom to himself and made it very aware he has never wanted children however that did change unfortunately down to my mothers age never happened.

There was me the eldest and my younger sister and brother from the moment he moved in it was a very much a him and us vibe instead of my mom taking us to school I would have to and this man didn’t want my mom getting out of bed before a certain time over time the relationship got worse and unfortunately did turn abusive he did end up hitting my mom and she did throw him out only to have him back a few days later. This became a pattern.

They are still very much together almost ten years later and I honestly pity her I’m currently 8 months pregnant with my first child her first grandson she had made comments about babysitting and her partner has made comments about it being there chance to be parents and constantly calls my baby there son it’s very strained when I’m alone with the partner although nice to each other I don’t trust him as far as I could throw him he too struggles with social engagements and that’s very apparent with family get togethers.I know I couldn’t trust the partner alone with my child and I end up feeling sick knowing my baby would be in his presence and because of that my son may potentially lose out on memories with his nan. In turn she will lose out on time with her grandson as the relationship has become strained due to her relationship with the partner.

i don’t want to upset you just wanted to give you a possible glimpse in the future I have no doubt your daughter is aware of how your partner feels even if she doesn’t voice it to keep the peace and maybe she will have a baby one day too I just hope she doesn’t feel like I do now where you know there’s no way of fixing things I do hope you keep the strong relationship and I have no doubt you love your daughter.

 

[Frenchie]

Hey here I am again!!!

Well I’m going to be a nanny!! Daughter is pregnant , I’m over the moon! Her relationship sadly isn’t going great, and she could be facing life single mum, partner says he doesn’t want to be a babysitter, wants a life isn’t interested, she will always need me blaa blaa, god why are men aresoles!!!!

 

[emm]

Hey here I am again!!!

Well I’m going to be a nanny!! Daughter is pregnant , I’m over the moon! Her relationship sadly isn’t going great, and she could be facing life single mum, partner says he doesn’t want to be a babysitter, wants a life isn’t interested, she will always need me blaa blaa, god why are men aresoles!!!!

God he sounds awful, imagine describing being with your own child as babysitting, she's better rid of him.

Congrats on becoming (or soon to be) a nanny!

 

[Frenchie]

That sounds really tough Frenchie

do you live together? it’s strange he doesn’t want to meet the people who are really important to you esp your daughter!

I don’t really have any advise to offer but do you see yourself being with him for the long run?

Thank you for replying

yes we live together, he’s lovely to her when she’s here but doesn’t want her here if that makes sence? He wants children too maybe that’s the reason
I want to see a future but I’m so sad majority of the time

 

[Frenchie]

Thank you for your replies
Well it’s happened again, I went out to meet her for peace, she wanted to come up so I lied and met her elsewhere, not seen her in 2 weeks for various reasons, we did pop back with my mum too, he’s all lovely when she’s around but she knows, (mum) .
it’s ridiculous and I’ve had enough, I’m not going to post here no more about it, it’s hard to Know what to do, as tomorrow he will no doubt be lovely until the next time, trust me I love my daughter with all my heart

 

[saltandvinegarcrisps]

His mums spare room!!

Girl, pack his bags.

 

[emm]

imagine you did hVe another chikd with this man, how would it work with your daughter? family holidays, xmas etc but without her? he would isolate her even further imo

 

[Forfoxsake]

@Frenchie , aside from the other good advice youve had, one thing that leapt out at me is you say he explains it by saying he wants a child of his own, but do you want more children? I can't help thinking that it sounds controlling and like he's using it as a plausible sounding excuse because he knows his attitude towards your daughter is off.

 

[Frenchie]

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he is aloof and not concerned with meeting your family? Is there a reason why he is so wary of you giving your daughter some attention and doing favours for her? Both him and your family are important to you, and he shouldn't make you feel like you have to choose.

He says he doesn’t like meeting people etc, I’d almost say he’s like the black sheep of his family, Likes to keep his circle small , I have mentioned it but he doesn’t seem bothered he’s not very good with emotions doesn’t care if I’m upset, he doesn’t think about people’s emotions I don’t think .
If she comes round, it’s always ‘hmmmmm well she will be here ages’ I’m always clock watching so she doesn’t leave late, it’s horrible.
My mum and daughter came round the other afternoon, he made it very clear in a roundabout way we need to go to see his mum, so my family got ready and went .

 

[Frenchie]

Could he be on the spectrum somewhere? Not wanting to meeting new people, not aware of others feelings and not good with emotions are all traits

Do you know what I said this to him, he agreed with me , I think it’s definitely something to look into, thank you

 

[HelloStereo]

Thank you for replying

yes we live together, he’s lovely to her when she’s here but doesn’t want her here if that makes sence? He wants children too maybe that’s the reason
I want to see a future but I’m so sad majority of the time

Have you talked to him about how it makes you feel when he is aloof and not concerned with meeting your family? Is there a reason why he is so wary of you giving your daughter some attention and doing favours for her? Both him and your family are important to you, and he shouldn't make you feel like you have to choose.

 

[Frenchie]

Well he’s basically saying my daughters not his, he has nothing to do with her etc etc, That we are realistically not going to have a baby and he wants one

Well he’s basically saying my daughters not his, he has nothing to do with her etc etc, That we are realistically not going to have a baby and he wants one

Tells me to go see her (he doesn’t want her here)

Well he’s basically saying my daughters not his, he has nothing to do with her etc etc, That we are realistically not going to have a baby and he wants one

Tells me to go see her (he doesn’t want her here)

 

[littlepup]

Congratulations re becoming a Nanna!

Re your OH, It’s text book abuse to try to separate people from their loved ones. To break down your support network and relationships so you become entirely reliant on him. And from your previous posts about him doing a lot for the house, the money situation, you are despite holding on to your relationships, which will I doubt still be impacted.
That on top of his lack of empathy toward you, implying you’re a drain (reading between the lines there), having a lot of self importance and dismissing your family while making his important… this is all emotional abuse.
Are you working now? If not, could you try to, to regain some independence? Take steps toward getting yourself into a situation where you can confidently get rid of him?

Warning Signs of Isolation and Emotional Abuse | Get Help | Therapy Tampa Florida — Collaborative Therapeutic Services

While isolation may be difficult to detect, it’s not impossible to recognize. Here are six warning signs that your partner is isolating you from your support network.

www.therapycts.com