Relationship advice

[Thelakes]

Yes it would be petty. Point out that you are compromising for his sake but don’t make it a situation where you use it to bargain, it’ll make it even more awkward if you do go when the time comes.
I would explain how you feel, use his party as an example of how he may feel. Do you not mix socially if you don’t know his best friend and he wouldn’t want to be there for your close friend? Do you not live together/it’s not long term as in the invite is for you and +1 rather than to you both?
I’d also explain that you can’t ‘maybe’ a wedding invite, they have to budget for every guest, create seating plans etc.

You are right about it being petty lol, i dont particularly like his group + best friend. I've spent plenty of time with them and we just don't click. Thanks, I did say I'll put him down as a No due to planning that wedding involves and I wouldn't want someone else to potentially lose a place! We've been seeing each other for 6 months or so and I've met all of his friends, been to parties etc, spent new years with them and he hasn't met mine yet. So the wedding would have been a good opportunity. So he would only come basically if it doesn't clash with something else he'd rather be doing which he hasn't got a date for but it will be the same month as the wedding

 

[JSK90]

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we are engaged but things have really taken a downward turn the past 10 months or so. It all started because we used to talk about children and marriage and it was something that we were very much on the same page about but then I noticed his responses in terms of children were giving me an inkling that he suddenly wasn't so keen. He already has a child from a previous relationship and I always said I would never date someone with children already but hey how here I am.

Eventually, he started saying things like "I want children BUT I need to achieve xyz" and then it moved onto "I don't know if I can promise you that we will have children". I felt like my world was falling apart because this is a big thing that I want. I would be over the moon with just one child but the more I have tried to discuss it, the more closed off he gets.

We started having arguments about stupid things... chores mainly and some issues where he said I was jealous of his mum because I was upset I wasn't invited on a family holiday last summer. My mood started to dip. We kept discussing marriage (we are having an Islamic wedding) and it kept getting pushed back and back and excuses like "I don't want you to feel trapped in a marriage if I decide I don't want children". As the arguments got more and more, he moved out. This happened about 8 months ago and it floored me. I have struggled to adapt to living separately and trying to adjust to a new style of relationship. I have become very depressed and angry and upset a lot of the time. Whenever I try and discuss that all these events that have happened have triggered my mental health decline, he gets defensive and says I am blaming him for my mental health and it is not fair to him and that I am responsible for my own happiness and it is too much pressure for me to put my happiness on him.

Lately, I have really been trying to soul search and wonder if this relationship is right for me. I love him dearly, but he just seems like he is closing off from me and unable to support me or understand even WHY I have declined in my wellbeing so much. He always says to be positive and that we have beautiful things to look forward to together, but if I don't know if we are headed for children in the future I don't know if I want to continue in this potentially dead end relationship. I tried to break up with him the day before nye because of the whole children thing but we were both very upset and he said if I have been feeling unwell mentally them I should not make any rash decisions and I should take time to think about it.

I have no doubt that he loves me, but I just don't think he loves me enough. And what is worse is that him saying he doesn't know if he wants children is making me resent his child.

We had another discussion about children last week and he said how can we be talking about children when the relationship is in the state it is in. He has a fear of having another child in a broken home and I think that is a big factor for his withdrawal. I said I understood what he was saying about our relationship not being stable enough to think about children now but for me the uncertainty was one of the reasons we had now come to this point!

I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of not meeting the right person. I was single for 4 years after an abusive relationship before I got into this one. I'm 33 this year. I have endometriosis and polycystic ovaries. Time and health is not on my side. I am so confused. I just started taking anti depressants to try and give me a clearer headspace to deal with what is going on. I haven't felt this down in a long time and I don't feel like I should feel this way in a relationship that is supposed to fulfil me.

Why is he so ambiguous and contradictory. One minute he wants children then the next he doesn't know if he does. On the day before nye when I tried to end it, it was because he specifically said for the first time "I don't want children". Now since we have spoken again he is saying if our relationship heals and gets into a place where we are strong and have shared values of how to raise a child together then he doesn't see why that cannot manifest for us. I am just so tired of being in my head all the time about this and I go from feeling like I am strong enough to break it off and start a fresh and then I feel weak again and like I don't want to live my life without him. I am just so confused.

 

[Tommyb]

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we are engaged but things have really taken a downward turn the past 10 months or so. It all started because we used to talk about children and marriage and it was something that we were very much on the same page about but then I noticed his responses in terms of children were giving me an inkling that he suddenly wasn't so keen. He already has a child from a previous relationship and I always said I would never date someone with children already but hey how here I am.

Eventually, he started saying things like "I want children BUT I need to achieve xyz" and then it moved onto "I don't know if I can promise you that we will have children". I felt like my world was falling apart because this is a big thing that I want. I would be over the moon with just one child but the more I have tried to discuss it, the more closed off he gets.

We started having arguments about stupid things... chores mainly and some issues where he said I was jealous of his mum because I was upset I wasn't invited on a family holiday last summer. My mood started to dip. We kept discussing marriage (we are having an Islamic wedding) and it kept getting pushed back and back and excuses like "I don't want you to feel trapped in a marriage if I decide I don't want children". As the arguments got more and more, he moved out. This happened about 8 months ago and it floored me. I have struggled to adapt to living separately and trying to adjust to a new style of relationship. I have become very depressed and angry and upset a lot of the time. Whenever I try and discuss that all these events that have happened have triggered my mental health decline, he gets defensive and says I am blaming him for my mental health and it is not fair to him and that I am responsible for my own happiness and it is too much pressure for me to put my happiness on him.

Lately, I have really been trying to soul search and wonder if this relationship is right for me. I love him dearly, but he just seems like he is closing off from me and unable to support me or understand even WHY I have declined in my wellbeing so much. He always says to be positive and that we have beautiful things to look forward to together, but if I don't know if we are headed for children in the future I don't know if I want to continue in this potentially dead end relationship. I tried to break up with him the day before nye because of the whole children thing but we were both very upset and he said if I have been feeling unwell mentally them I should not make any rash decisions and I should take time to think about it.

I have no doubt that he loves me, but I just don't think he loves me enough. And what is worse is that him saying he doesn't know if he wants children is making me resent his child.

We had another discussion about children last week and he said how can we be talking about children when the relationship is in the state it is in. He has a fear of having another child in a broken home and I think that is a big factor for his withdrawal. I said I understood what he was saying about our relationship not being stable enough to think about children now but for me the uncertainty was one of the reasons we had now come to this point!

I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of not meeting the right person. I was single for 4 years after an abusive relationship before I got into this one. I'm 33 this year. I have endometriosis and polycystic ovaries. Time and health is not on my side. I am so confused. I just started taking anti depressants to try and give me a clearer headspace to deal with what is going on. I haven't felt this down in a long time and I don't feel like I should feel this way in a relationship that is supposed to fulfil me.

Why is he so ambiguous and contradictory. One minute he wants children then the next he doesn't know if he does. On the day before nye when I tried to end it, it was because he specifically said for the first time "I don't want children". Now since we have spoken again he is saying if our relationship heals and gets into a place where we are strong and have shared values of how to raise a child together then he doesn't see why that cannot manifest for us. I am just so tired of being in my head all the time about this and I go from feeling like I am strong enough to break it off and start a fresh and then I feel weak again and like I don't want to live my life without him. I am just so confused.

Oh love. He is telling you and showing you who he is. You need to believe him.

Please don't waste any more time if children is what you want. It's absolutely not too late.

You need to go completely cold turkey and stop talking to him. With some distance and time I think your mental health will improve. Being constantly given a glimmer of hope and then have it come crashing down again and again is always going to be detrimental to your mental health. This relationship is going backwards and honestly it shouldn't be this hard. It's not fair to you and it's time to put yourself first. Xx

 

[littlepup]

I have been with my partner for 2.5 years and we are engaged but things have really taken a downward turn the past 10 months or so. It all started because we used to talk about children and marriage and it was something that we were very much on the same page about but then I noticed his responses in terms of children were giving me an inkling that he suddenly wasn't so keen. He already has a child from a previous relationship and I always said I would never date someone with children already but hey how here I am.

Eventually, he started saying things like "I want children BUT I need to achieve xyz" and then it moved onto "I don't know if I can promise you that we will have children". I felt like my world was falling apart because this is a big thing that I want. I would be over the moon with just one child but the more I have tried to discuss it, the more closed off he gets.

We started having arguments about stupid things... chores mainly and some issues where he said I was jealous of his mum because I was upset I wasn't invited on a family holiday last summer. My mood started to dip. We kept discussing marriage (we are having an Islamic wedding) and it kept getting pushed back and back and excuses like "I don't want you to feel trapped in a marriage if I decide I don't want children". As the arguments got more and more, he moved out. This happened about 8 months ago and it floored me. I have struggled to adapt to living separately and trying to adjust to a new style of relationship. I have become very depressed and angry and upset a lot of the time. Whenever I try and discuss that all these events that have happened have triggered my mental health decline, he gets defensive and says I am blaming him for my mental health and it is not fair to him and that I am responsible for my own happiness and it is too much pressure for me to put my happiness on him.

Lately, I have really been trying to soul search and wonder if this relationship is right for me. I love him dearly, but he just seems like he is closing off from me and unable to support me or understand even WHY I have declined in my wellbeing so much. He always says to be positive and that we have beautiful things to look forward to together, but if I don't know if we are headed for children in the future I don't know if I want to continue in this potentially dead end relationship. I tried to break up with him the day before nye because of the whole children thing but we were both very upset and he said if I have been feeling unwell mentally them I should not make any rash decisions and I should take time to think about it.

I have no doubt that he loves me, but I just don't think he loves me enough. And what is worse is that him saying he doesn't know if he wants children is making me resent his child.

We had another discussion about children last week and he said how can we be talking about children when the relationship is in the state it is in. He has a fear of having another child in a broken home and I think that is a big factor for his withdrawal. I said I understood what he was saying about our relationship not being stable enough to think about children now but for me the uncertainty was one of the reasons we had now come to this point!

I just don't know what to do. I'm scared of being alone. I'm scared of not meeting the right person. I was single for 4 years after an abusive relationship before I got into this one. I'm 33 this year. I have endometriosis and polycystic ovaries. Time and health is not on my side. I am so confused. I just started taking anti depressants to try and give me a clearer headspace to deal with what is going on. I haven't felt this down in a long time and I don't feel like I should feel this way in a relationship that is supposed to fulfil me.

Why is he so ambiguous and contradictory. One minute he wants children then the next he doesn't know if he does. On the day before nye when I tried to end it, it was because he specifically said for the first time "I don't want children". Now since we have spoken again he is saying if our relationship heals and gets into a place where we are strong and have shared values of how to raise a child together then he doesn't see why that cannot manifest for us. I am just so tired of being in my head all the time about this and I go from feeling like I am strong enough to break it off and start a fresh and then I feel weak again and like I don't want to live my life without him. I am just so confused.

Two things I would ask yourself questions around
.
Does he make you unhappy more than he makes you happy? When was the last time he truly made you feel happy? You can be valued, supported, loved but not happy.

Can you live without children because he doesn’t want them? What if you needed fertility treatment, would he be the person you could do that journey with? How far would he be prepared to go if you needed help, could you support him and him you in that?
If you split up and you never went on to have children would you think the split was a mistake or would you still be happy it was the correct decision? Is he the person you want by your side of the path to children doesn’t run smoothly because of not you’ll only build more resentments and feel more invested so it’s harder to walk away from.

To me it sounds as though the relationship is broken and despite trying hard to fix it, something isn’t working. I promise you that you can be alone and you can learn to live without him. Also that if you break up and you’re truly meant to be together you will find each other again in the future, but you need to be happy in yourself first. To stop needing him and just want him. Being alone is much better than being with someone and feeling alone anyway because they don’t live you the way you need to be loved. Never stay in a relationship because it’s better than being alone because that’s settling and you owe yourself more than that in life. You can love someone without being right for each other in a relationship.
I agree with the other poster, cut off contact for 30 days minimum. You can’t look forward or even see a clear path if you’re constantly being pulled backwards.

 

[JSK90]

Two things I would ask yourself questions around



.



Does he make you unhappy more than he makes you happy? When was the last time he truly made you feel happy? You can be valued, supported, loved but not happy.

Can you live without children because he doesn’t want them? What if you needed fertility treatment, would he be the person you could do that journey with? How far would he be prepared to go if you needed help, could you support him and him you in that?

If you split up and you never went on to have children would you think the split was a mistake or would you still be happy it was the correct decision? Is he the person you want by your side of the path to children doesn’t run smoothly because of not you’ll only build more resentments and feel more invested so it’s harder to walk away from.

To me it sounds as though the relationship is broken and despite trying hard to fix it, something isn’t working. I promise you that you can be alone and you can learn to live without him. Also that if you break up and you’re truly meant to be together you will find each other again in the future, but you need to be happy in yourself first. To stop needing him and just want him. Being alone is much better than being with someone and feeling alone anyway because they don’t live you the way you need to be loved. Never stay in a relationship because it’s better than being alone because that’s settling and you owe yourself more than that in life. You can love someone without being right for each other in a relationship.

I agree with the other poster, cut off contact for 30 days minimum. You can’t look forward or even see a clear path if you’re constantly being pulled backwards.

Thank you for the advice both, I know the relationship is going backwards and it really has caused me lots of stress and emotional turmoil.

Right now, I am almost always unhappy with him because he is just not treating me how I deserve to be treated.

I don't want to choose to sacrifice my desire to have children for him and I don't see why I should. He certainly isn't so great and isn't showing me that he is worthy of even considering doing that for. If I couldn't conceive, I wouldn't want to go down the route of ivf etc.. I would just accept that children was not meant for me.

If we split and I ended up having no children, I would definitely think that all this would have been for nothing. All this drama.. I would regret the decision to split if I never had children. And even more so if I ever found out that HE had gone on to have more children with someone else.

He said last night I just need to accept all these changes and "lower my expectations". Excuse me, no I do not need to lower my expectations for anyone, rather I should find someone who lives up to them and actually follows through with what they say they want to achieve with me, instead of a little boy who backs out and squirms his way out of things.

Every day, I feel like I am seeing more light. I just need a little bit more of a push and I will leave him.

 

[TheSlayer]

[/QUOTE]
He said last night I just need to accept all these changes and "lower my expectations".
[/QUOTE]

Um, would he lower his expectations? What are his expectations?

It sounds like he has a very different future envisaged to the one you have and apologies if that sounds harsh, I (being on the other side) have doubts

 

[NewOlive]

I made a post before and got so many helpful and lovely comments the community here is so nice! I don’t really have anyone I can talk to about this subject so thought I’d maybe try and see if anyone has any thoughts.

I’ve been with my partner for a few years now, things are starting to move forwards and are looking at houses/moving in very soon. I guess I’m having a bit of cold feet and am unsure if I’m with the right person. I love him and he has my heart, but going forwards I’m just not sure. We don’t have much in common, I am not entirely sure what we will do together all the time, things will always be a struggle financially, I don’t trust him 100% as in if he goes out for a night or something I do feel anxious and don’t have trust in him after a few mistakes he has made previously in our relationship. It feels like a bit of a gamble like it could go well, but I also see it potentially ending in disaster. He is not the most mature person at his age (28)

I have a friend, who I’ve known and been best friends with for a good 10+ years. I was his first love and although I didn’t feel the same we remained very close and I’m starting to possibly catch feelings for him. (There is 0 cheating going on I’m not acting upon anything at all and have told my partner I am having doubts and he knows all) I can’t help but think my life with him would be better, I know without a doubt he would stay loyal and be the most amazing father, we have a lot more in common and I don’t feel anxious about living with him at all I know we’d fit together from diet/tidiness/decorating style/lifestyle all the little things I don’t have in common with my partner that worry’s me. (I’m a country outdoors farmy person like him, whereas my partner is more a city boy to put it simply which is completely fine just worry we have different dreams and one of us will have to sacrifice and not get what we want)

when I look into the future, in all honesty I feel so much more confident/sure of the future I would have with my best friend. Although there isn’t that sparks flying romance I have with my partner, there is more trust, I feel he may know and understand me and my needs and wants more than my partners, we have spent so long building the bond we have I feel it’s unbreakable, and honestly I do spend more time with him than my partner due to us having similar hobbies, and I know without a doubt I can make him happy- With my partner, I just don’t know. I do have doubts I will be all he wants and that he’ll stay forever I do worry about being enough for him, there is a lot of worries! But at the same time, I’ve always felt a spark with him, I just don’t know if that’s enough.

As much as I hate to be that girl, I love them both. In completely different ways, and I don’t know who I should be with. I’ve always been happy alone and know what I want, but this I just can’t figure out.

If anyone has some friendly advice would be much appreciated, I do want to stress there’s 0 cheating emotional or physical both parties know the situation, I am trying to do best by everyone but it is a tricky subject and is very hard to talk and ask for advice without getting judged too much

Any update

 

[LittleRoots]

Any update

Not the best update which I feel quite nervous to admit, things have been on and off with my boyfriend, for some reason I just feel drawn to him and he has my heart despite there being a lack of trust and different opinions on most things so have been trying to make things work with him. I find myself wondering if I made the right choice a lot, as he can be a bit clueless and Immature which frustrates me sometimes.
I’m defiantly and over thinker and planner so am trying to just relax and enjoy the moment and see where it takes me rather than trying to plan out every single move in my life. I’m a little lost, late 20’s are so difficult!

 

[happylife32]

I’m in a similar predicament to OP. But I’m not ready to share full details really.
How do people know their partner is ‘the one’?
And is it possible that the one provides both excitement/passion/security/worships the ground you walk on/respects you and provides the love and care you require? Or do you just settle for some of these things? I’m in my early thirties and I have a tendency to rush into a relationship and I’m quite needy. As settled as I feel, something is niggling in the back of my brain.

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

@Mr Paul Barry John Allen there you go luv. Pour your heart out on here and we’ll listen to you

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

@Mr Paul Barry John Allen there you go luv. Pour your heart out on here and we’ll listen to you

I'm new to this thread but I need some help
I haven't seen this guy in like 5 years and he's been out of a relationship the last 6 months.
He messaged me with the usual, oh I just want to be friends, but it's escalated so quickly.
But the problem, we've tried to meet up a few times and it's the usual balls, oh I'm nervous etc.
I'm so so torn, last night we had an incredible chat for hours and it feels so right.

But I don't know what to do, do I make him make an effort? It's always me messaging and I don't want to seem desperate

First deep feelings I've had for someone in such a long time and I'm not sure what I should do.

Should I give him an ultimatum? If so, I've no idea what, I just don't want my feelings hurt lol men are so complicated

Tagging you @AFlyOnYourWall because I wished I could update you personally

 

[tomato_paste]

last night we had an incredible chat for hours and it feels so right.

Sound like the chat is the only thing that feels right? You haven't seen each other and he keeps pulling out right?

I would definitely stop messaging him first and go cold towards him. But even if that stirs him into action, would you really want a partner that is showing up for you only when there's a threat of you pulling away? Sounds exhausting to be honest.

Chatting is easy. Very, very easy.

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

Sound like the chat is the only thing that feels right? You haven't seen each other and he keeps pulling out right?

I would definitely stop messaging him first and go cold towards him. But even if that stirs him into action, would you really want a partner that is showing up for you only when there's a threat of you pulling away? Sounds exhausting to be honest.

Chatting is easy. Very, very easy.

Yup! I haven't seen him in like 5 years, so I guess I wanted to give him a chance.

Yeah, only spoke to him once today, seems more interested going to Snoop Dogg tonight so yeah.

I was gonna chat to him when he's free, but now I'm not even sure to be honest.

I'll see what happens tomorrow.

 

[plonkington]

I'm new to this thread but I need some help
I haven't seen this guy in like 5 years and he's been out of a relationship the last 6 months.
He messaged me with the usual, oh I just want to be friends, but it's escalated so quickly.
But the problem, we've tried to meet up a few times and it's the usual balls, oh I'm nervous etc.
I'm so so torn, last night we had an incredible chat for hours and it feels so right.

But I don't know what to do, do I make him make an effort? It's always me messaging and I don't want to seem desperate

First deep feelings I've had for someone in such a long time and I'm not sure what I should do.

Should I give him an ultimatum? If so, I've no idea what, I just don't want my feelings hurt lol men are so complicated

Tagging you @AFlyOnYourWall because I wished I could update you personally

So if I’ve read it right he’s the one cancelling on you?
sounds as though he’s just not into you that way, you’re a good friend/time filler until the next one comes along. I wouldn’t waste your time hanging on to the thought of what could be. No harm in continuing your conversations as long as you’re able to leave it at that. Good luck!

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

I'm new to this thread but I need some help
I haven't seen this guy in like 5 years and he's been out of a relationship the last 6 months.
He messaged me with the usual, oh I just want to be friends, but it's escalated so quickly.
But the problem, we've tried to meet up a few times and it's the usual balls, oh I'm nervous etc.
I'm so so torn, last night we had an incredible chat for hours and it feels so right.

But I don't know what to do, do I make him make an effort? It's always me messaging and I don't want to seem desperate

First deep feelings I've had for someone in such a long time and I'm not sure what I should do.

Should I give him an ultimatum? If so, I've no idea what, I just don't want my feelings hurt lol men are so complicated

Tagging you @AFlyOnYourWall because I wished I could update you personally

Let him do all the chasing. You’re worth more than that. If he wants you, he’ll come and get you. Don’t risk getting your feelings heart unless you know he’s definitely interested. If it’s any consolation, I shaved my lady bits and bum hole in preparation for seeing Mr Lova Lova tonight, and he cancelled on me because he’s got the shits. Happy Wednesday

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

Let him do all the chasing. You’re worth more than that. If he wants you, he’ll come and get you. Don’t risk getting your feelings heart unless you know he’s definitely interested. If it’s any consolation, I shaved my lady bits and bum hole in preparation for seeing Mr Lova Lova tonight, and he cancelled on me because he’s got the shits. Happy Wednesday

OMG he's actually supposed to be coming out to play tonight, we sat up til like 3am last night just chatting and I think he's definitely putting effort in now

I also think he's thinks he's gonna get his hole tonight so might be very disappointed

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

@AFlyOnYourWall - UPDATE, so he won't come out because he's hungover, twice now I've been stood up.

I don't know how to tell him to just go, this is so crap and feels like I'm having the piss took outta me

Going through enough as it is, just feel so let down by him.

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

@AFlyOnYourWall - UPDATE, so he won't come out because he's hungover, twice now I've been stood up.

I don't know how to tell him to just go, this is so crap and feels like I'm having the piss took outta me

Going through enough as it is, just feel so let down by him.

What a bastard. Honestly he’s not worth it. If this is how he’s making you feel before you’ve even officially started dating, imagine the hurt he could potentially cause you if it progressed to a relationship. You’re worth so much more than that I would take a step back, and no matter how tempted you are, don’t chase him or be the first to reach out and message

 

[Mr Paul Barry John Allen]

What a bastard. Honestly he’s not worth it. If this is how he’s making you feel before you’ve even officially started dating, imagine the hurt he could potentially cause you if it progressed to a relationship. You’re worth so much more than that I would take a step back, and no matter how tempted you are, don’t chase him or be the first to reach out and message

Yup, I don't get it because he kept me up mainly all last night going on about how excited he was to come hang out etc, let me get a shower etc for him to be all yeah I'm too hungover and can't be fucked.

Lit asked him what he wants from this and no response lol, I've blocked him for my own sanity, but it's just so unfair because I know I done nothing wrong

 

[AFlyOnYourWall]

Yup, I don't get it because he kept me up mainly all last night going on about how excited he was to come hang out etc, let me get a shower etc for him to be all yeah I'm too hungover and can't be fucked.

Lit asked him what he wants from this and no response lol, I've blocked him for my own sanity, but it's just so unfair because I know I done nothing wrong

Men are the worst. Try not to dwell on it. He’s shown you early on what a dick he is. What age is he?