And I can concur that every single bleeping word of the above happened - she’s not even exaggerating one bit.A little Christmas pantomime for you all…
Now this is the story all about how,
hundom imploded and burnt to the ground.
I’d like to take a moment, just sit right there,
I’ll tell you how Nikki went from a throne to a chair…
Once upon a time there was a lovely glittery far away land called hundom. All the huns came together to worship their master and create a ‘women supporting women’ community. Overseen by their ruler Queen Nikki.
All started well in hundom. Although their common enemy at this point was from a far off land called tattle. The huns did not like tattle. They knew the population of this land was far more intelligent and this rattled the huns. Dorothy red shoes in particular had upset the huns. Dorothy had shared an opinion about prison guard lisa and her piss take wishlist. This had ruffled the huns, who decided Dorothy needed to get laid and if she has something to say she should use her real name and ‘say it with chest’.
Other than this all was well in hundom. There were tales of bowel movements and dildos galore. All was going swimmingly. 1000s of messages were flying backwards and forwards day and night.
Their next grapple was being called a cult. This angered the huns. But the chat of how great the master is flowed and cheered the huns up no end. Queen nikki even created a discount code for her perfume business of ‘rachisqueen’ for her fellow huns. All was merry and bright.
Rumour quickly circulated through hundom that VCJR was among them and all hell broke loose. Nikki spent 2 hours searching who was following patreon and cross referencing with the hundom register to try and kick her out but alas this was no avail. They decided VCJR should be allowed to stay to see how ‘women support other women’ first hand.
Many of these hun had never heard of the little much more astute world called tattle before and went for a day visit to see how the intellectually more superior lived. They seemed surprised by some of the revelations.
By this time a hierarchy had formed in hundom. Queen Nikki reining over her subjects. The 6 diehard huns were next in line. The second tier of about 10. Then occasional commenters and lurkers. This suited their little cult just fine and the fun and frolics and chat of cheese intolerance and moaning about partners continued.
Just then a new enemy was encountered. A troll from the land of tattle had infuriated them. That troll went by the name of Emily chambers. Emily had threatened to report the master’s nursery. Well, the huns took umbrage to this. They decided they would search out Emily and take matters into their own hands. They thought they tracked Emily down and were going to do some reporting of their own.
There was a rather pleasant second tier hun who was the budget version of dipsydoodle. This hun did recaps at the end of everyday. Well, this cheeky little hun suddenly left the group without so much as a goodbye, thank you or duck you. Just vanished. The diehard huns decided she must be a troll. In fact, they decided she was none other than Dorothy red shoes. They scoured the hun chat to see exactly when she left and if this coincided with their very own troll hunt. They even compared writing styles. You see, the huns are not very bright, it didn’t occur to them that Dorothy isn’t even one of the patreon spies on tattle, this little fact mattered not to the huns. She was Dorothy and that was that.
The bargain bin dipsydoodle then reappeared and they gushed over how they’d missed her and made her promise to never ever leave again. Surprisingly no more was said about her being Dorothy, apparently they didn’t fancy ‘saying it with chest’ themselves. Women supporting women.
A brief and welcome distraction came in the form of tattle discussing hundom. There was offence taken in abundance by jessibuns comment about them being from council estates. In fact I believe the huns referred to her as a ‘entitled Braggy little bleep’.
A diehard hun’s husband, let’s call him Dim Derek, decided he was going to infiltrate the land of tattle. He pondered for ages over his cunning plan. Derek did little voice notes saying how he was ‘really going to show those tattle trolls’, what was he going to do I hear you ask. Well, I’ll tell you. Derek wrote the longest paragraph he has ever written in his dopey little life, bless him. His poor little simple fingers must have been aching, he was going to post it to tattle and call them all cunts and ask what their problem was. Sat with a big grin on his gormless little face Derek excitedly posted this to tattle, ready for the hun praise to rain down upon him and…. Instant ban! Epic fail Derek!
After another failed attempt Derek decided he was going to start a rave thread for the master.
Before this could happen. Derek was stopped in his tracks. The much brighter beings from tattle had cleared the prison wishlist. Every. Single. Item. Gone. Poof, vanished into thin air. Tears ensued from Lisa and a big old ‘I don’t know why I bother’ while, I’d imagine, flinging her arms in the air in despair for dramatic effect. Her kids, sorry I mean the prison babies, Christmas had been ruined. The master had promised her this would work! Now she had nothing, no presents, no tree, not so much as a bauble.
A diehard hun had the bright idea that she would open up her personal PayPal for all the huns to send a small donation to buy a pre-lit Christmas tree for the prison. Now this hun clearly wasn’t paying attention in scam lesson 101. She kept tabs on every penny that was sent, provided minute by minute updates and when the target was hit sent a big STOP message. Sent proof of buying the tree, where it was sent and proof of delivery on arrival. This hun was a big disappointment to the master. A very big disappointment indeed. Had she taught her nothing?!
Unfortunately some huns did not understand the stop message and still sent more money. Disappointment hun told everyone how much had been sent and by whom and that she wasn’t comfortable with it. Queen Nikki courageously stepped up. ‘Send me the money’ she cried. ‘In fact everyone send me money’ she selflessly took the excess money and put her personal bank details on the WhatsApp stories for all the huns to send her money. This came with the promise that she personally would buy the prison babies the presents they so desperately needed with the money and send everything to the prison. What a hero!! Meanwhile, prison guard Lisa set up a new wishlist that only hundom could see. So why Nikki was needed is a mystery. A mystery that will most probably never be solved. This new wishlist was shared every god damn day until the end of time with sob stories and promises of photos of all the good that had been done. Along with occasional praise at what a difference they were making and how wonderful they were. The huns lapped it up! Sent their money to Nikki and bought gifts a-plenty from the wishlist. After all it’s women supporting women, right? This was going to be a marvellous Christmas for all. (except the huns that were now skint).
It was at this time that a message from the master announcing that she was receiving screen shots from tattle and it was making her poorly. She made an official request that hundom become a tattle free zone. She didn’t want the huns discussing or screen shotting their intellectual superiors from that moment forward. It enraged queen Nikki that the master had been upset and her wrath echoed through the narrow halls of hundom. A statement was quickly released by the palace ‘Hear ye, hear ye. It is hereby announced that from this moment on any mention of the brighter, more knowledgeable world of tattle shall result in instant banishment from hundom. The master shall not be questioned’
A deafening silence fell over hundom. The diehards were no where to be seen. The second tier occasionally peeked out of their hiding places to check if all was ok yet, but ok it was not. The occasional contributors made small talk but it all felt very dark and eerie in hundom. From that day forward the glitter was gone and a dark cloud loomed overhead, like a symbolic threat from the master.
So where were the huns? Were the diehards making their own smaller group? Had they been pushed too far? Did they think queen Nikki had actually been the wicked witch dressed up as the queen? No, surely not I hear you cry! This group is about women supporting women after all.
It was around this time that Nikki officially changed her name to reflect her self proclaimed royalty. With the huns hard earned cash in her pocket the power was really going to her head. Reminders of this rule and that rule flying about continuously. New rules added on the hour every hour. The huns heads were spinning. Threats of banishment for anyone who didn’t tow the line. She was ruling with an iron fist. This was not going to end well. All was no longer merry and bright.
The mood was briefly lifted by a second tier posting pictures of a Facebook selling page with tacky Chanel furniture up for sale. Oh how the huns laughed and mocked the Crystal encrusted lamps and Chanel embroidered placemats. It was all hun fun and games for a brief moment until a diehard burst back through the doors announcing, ‘you lot are no better than the trolls’. Well, world war 3 broke out! Calling each other trolls, leaving the group, queen Nikki implementing new rule after new rule to try and calm things down. The one that posted the selling page left hundom slamming the door behind her in rage. It calmed down for a short while. Just why the diehard took such umbrage to this is unknown. Maybe her house is filled with such tasteful Chanel furniture. Maybe they had inadvertently stumbled across her selling page. Who knows, or even dares to dream.
Just then, a diehard, probably the most popular in hundom, thought not enough attention was being paid to her and declared ‘if you’re going to break into smaller groups and slag me off, make sure it won’t get back to me’ weeeell, she was then threatening to leave too, everyone was up in arms, no amount of new rules nikki was throwing around was calming things down! Hun harmony was well and truly over. It lasted… About a week! ‘Women supporting women’ right there.
Amongst the chaos Nikki implemented a new rule that they aren’t allowed to advertise their small businesses on the page anymore. The huns all do things like scentsy or Avon. She loves a new rule does Nikki. A hun obviously missed this among the barrage of new rules. She was asked for details of her business, she obliged and Nikki removed her instantly. I’m sure it was just a coincidence that this particular hun had the same perfume business as Nikki. But remember, women supporting women.
3rd December 2022 started out like any other in hundom. Bit of small talk about misbehaving kids. Talk of what the day might bring but no one NO ONE could predict that this would be the day that would change hundom forever. The dark cloud that had been looming was about to burst in spectacular fashion.
It started with a few sly digs in nikki’s direction such as ‘I’m not sure we’re allowed to talk about that’ and ‘be careful I wouldn’t want you to get banned’. Then the feistiest of the diehards just went for the jugular ‘we’re not your bleeping subjects Nikki, we don’t need a ruler. We can talk about tattle if we want’ so basically just duck off with your rules. Well, Nikki came back fighting she said her and the master had decided that anyone who mentioned tattle would not only be banished from hundom but also removed from patreon! A collective gasp at this latest announcement could be heard from neighbouring kingdoms. Nikki thought the huns would surrender after this revolution but she was very very wrong. Screams of ‘well duck the both of you’ could be heard far and wide. The diehards said that they wanted no part and they would cancel their patreon subscriptions themselves and leave hundom forever. If the master didn’t want their money then duck her too! They threw a little ‘and you’re a bastard for removing perfume hun’ in for good measure. They would not be dictated to by Nikki or the master any longer. Nikki had to admit defeat. She repented, apologised profusely for her actions. She said that the master had turned on her too. She had accused queen Nikki of creating hundom only to discuss tattle and expressed great annoyance about this. Nikki felt there were underlying tones that the master thought she, queen Nikki herself, might be a troll!!
At this point I felt like my time in hundom had come to an end. There was the threat of more dramas on the edge of eruption as I left. Dethroned Nikki was being asked constantly how much money was collected for the prison babies and what she’d bought/if she’d sent it yet. Nikki was deflecting these messages and knocking them away like Serena Williams at a Wimbledon final but they kept coming thick and fast. Lisa (who still shared the wishlist multiple times a day) was subtly coaxed ‘we’d love to see that photo you promised’ but nothing was forthcoming. In fact both Nikki and Lisa were deadly silent on exactly what had been collected and where the money was.
So I packed up my girl gang T-shirts and Gucci glasses (they are standard issue) And joined the stampede for the exit in the days that followed.
Although a part of me wishes that I hung around for the sequel. ‘The huns and their big bums (that don’t fit in REBL tracksuits)’ coz it sounds like a corker!
And that my friends is a very good example of how women should not treat other women. All this happened in just over a week.
There’s been rows a plenty since the ones you’ve described in this too Charlie. How I wish we could identify each other to confer
love the write up, best seller right there xx 
