Parents of autistic children with violent and challenging behaviour

[FlowerPower987]

Hi, I’m really struggling with my autistic stepson, he’s almost 11 and stays with us every other weekend. He is verbal and has a global learning difficulty.
We had a baby almost 3 months ago, and we have definitely noticed a change in his behaviour since the baby has come along. Initially he started off being very affectionate and loving towards her, but has slowly started to become aggressive, and will poke and jab her at any opportunity, he hit her with a pair of plastic scissors because her crying was annoying him but denied doing it when I challenged him on it (I saw it from the corner of my eye).
He now keeps talking about wanting to “kill her” in very graphic detail. My partner is at a loss what to do.
When challenged, my step son admits that this is bad behaviour but continues to do it. It’s now got to the point that I won’t let him near her unless I’m holding her. My partner has contacted his teacher and asked for a meeting.
I don’t think he has ever been given any appropriate discipline or boundaries, and just runs wild when he’s at ours.
He also lies a lot (says my son bullies him which isn’t true) and hurts my cats, which I just can’t tolerate!
. I feel so bad moaning about him and I’m trying my best to have patience, but I cannot tolerate him doing things to my baby and saying he wants to kill her. I’m so on edge and anxious.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Hi, I’m really struggling with my autistic stepson, he’s almost 11 and stays with us every other weekend. He is verbal and has a global learning difficulty.
We had a baby almost 3 months ago, and we have definitely noticed a change in his behaviour since the baby has come along. Initially he started off being very affectionate and loving towards her, but has slowly started to become aggressive, and will poke and jab her at any opportunity, he hit her with a pair of plastic scissors because her crying was annoying him but denied doing it when I challenged him on it (I saw it from the corner of my eye).
He now keeps talking about wanting to “kill her” in very graphic detail. My partner is at a loss what to do.
When challenged, my step son admits that this is bad behaviour but continues to do it. It’s now got to the point that I won’t let him near her unless I’m holding her. My partner has contacted his teacher and asked for a meeting.
I don’t think he has ever been given any appropriate discipline or boundaries, and just runs wild when he’s at ours.
He also lies a lot (says my son bullies him which isn’t true) and hurts my cats, which I just can’t tolerate!
. I feel so bad moaning about him and I’m trying my best to have patience, but I cannot tolerate him doing things to my baby and saying he wants to kill her. I’m so on edge and anxious.

I read this earlier and went to reply but chickened out. However, I noticed nobody has replied yet so I'll bite the bullet.

Unfortunately I think the situation you are dealing with is a safeguarding issue.

Firstly, don't panic!

Secondly, you've done absolutely the right thing by letting his teachers know. As much as you might not want it (and you don't indicate either way, so I'm applying my own bias and assumption, feel free to correct me!), you might need some assistance from 'outside' resources.

Thidly, as inconvenient as it will be, is there a way you and the baby could stay somewhere else when your step son visits?

Lastly, this won't be forever. I promise things will be better at some point.

You are among friends, nothing you say will shock us. It's ok to vent .

 

[avabella]

Hi, I’m really struggling with my autistic stepson, he’s almost 11 and stays with us every other weekend. He is verbal and has a global learning difficulty.
We had a baby almost 3 months ago, and we have definitely noticed a change in his behaviour since the baby has come along. Initially he started off being very affectionate and loving towards her, but has slowly started to become aggressive, and will poke and jab her at any opportunity, he hit her with a pair of plastic scissors because her crying was annoying him but denied doing it when I challenged him on it (I saw it from the corner of my eye).
He now keeps talking about wanting to “kill her” in very graphic detail. My partner is at a loss what to do.
When challenged, my step son admits that this is bad behaviour but continues to do it. It’s now got to the point that I won’t let him near her unless I’m holding her. My partner has contacted his teacher and asked for a meeting.
I don’t think he has ever been given any appropriate discipline or boundaries, and just runs wild when he’s at ours.
He also lies a lot (says my son bullies him which isn’t true) and hurts my cats, which I just can’t tolerate!
. I feel so bad moaning about him and I’m trying my best to have patience, but I cannot tolerate him doing things to my baby and saying he wants to kill her. I’m so on edge and anxious.

This sounds like such a stressful situation for all.

He most likely will be getting spooked by the unpredictable nature of a baby. Does he have ear defenders/headphones he can wear to take the frightening aspect out of baby crying? Maybe he could be involved in some of the routine aspects of babies life that are predictable i.e. feeding and then nap time?

Of course you are totally right to be wary and monitoring this carefully. He may say the words and describe situations, but the cognitive understanding of the actual actions may not be there.

 

[FlowerPower987]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it .
I posted about it on Netmums a few weeks ago but I haven’t had any responses .

His teachers have been concerned about his fixation with blood and murder for a couple of years now, to the point that they had to stop him from using red pens and crayons because he kept drawing blood and gore.
We think it stemmed from him accidentally watching ‘Chucky’ at his mum’s house and he’s now developed a degree of trauma from it.
His mum has a mild form of LD herself, and I know that she has her struggles with him, and IMO has not had the support that she should have had professionally.

I recognise that our baby coming along has likely triggered some insecurities and jealousy for him, and I have encouraged my partner to try and spend as much 1:1 time with him that he can.
We’ve also included him in helping care for the baby, but he starts off being gentle and then just gets rougher and rougher, I.e. he helps to wind her but then will start slapping her hard on the back. It’s like he knows what he’s doing and will push us to see how far he can go with it.
I want him to be involved in his baby sister’s life and I hate the idea of taking that time away from him, but my protective instincts of her obviously have to override that desire.

She can never settle properly when he’s with us either as he’s always waking her up either purposely or by accident as he is so loud, he has to have his iPad and the TV up on full blast and is always slamming doors and thundering up and down the stairs.
My partner is trying his best, but if I’m honest he isn’t always consistent with him and uses phrases and words that I don’t think his son can properly understand, such as “pack that in!” instead of something a bit more constructive like “I’ve asked you to stop”. His relationship with his ex wife was a strange dynamic and I don’t think that either of them were ever on the same page when it came to parenting their son, she was apparently very unattached and I’m wondering if some of it is learnt behaviour.
Anyway, it’s now getting to the point where I dread him coming to stay with us, and I honestly feel so awful saying that! . I can start to feel my anxiety building and I’m in a snappy mood.
I’m really hoping that speaking to his teachers will help, and they can offer some support and guidance.
My health visitor has also offered her support as she has experience of kids with LD (she used to work at his school coincidentally).
My fears are for the future, and how I can ensure my daughter is safe with her brother.
He’s a big strong lad and he doesn’t know his own strength, plus when puberty hits and he has crazy hormones, I just hope we can manage him and his behaviour.
I want to enjoy being a blended family and learn to love him again like I did when I first came into his life.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it .
I posted about it on Netmums a few weeks ago but I haven’t had any responses .

His teachers have been concerned about his fixation with blood and murder for a couple of years now, to the point that they had to stop him from using red pens and crayons because he kept drawing blood and gore.
We think it stemmed from him accidentally watching ‘Chucky’ at his mum’s house and he’s now developed a degree of trauma from it.
His mum has a mild form of LD herself, and I know that she has her struggles with him, and IMO has not had the support that she should have had professionally.

I recognise that our baby coming along has likely triggered some insecurities and jealousy for him, and I have encouraged my partner to try and spend as much 1:1 time with him that he can.
We’ve also included him in helping care for the baby, but he starts off being gentle and then just gets rougher and rougher, I.e. he helps to wind her but then will start slapping her hard on the back. It’s like he knows what he’s doing and will push us to see how far he can go with it.
I want him to be involved in his baby sister’s life and I hate the idea of taking that time away from him, but my protective instincts of her obviously have to override that desire.

She can never settle properly when he’s with us either as he’s always waking her up either purposely or by accident as he is so loud, he has to have his iPad and the TV up on full blast and is always slamming doors and thundering up and down the stairs.
My partner is trying his best, but if I’m honest he isn’t always consistent with him and uses phrases and words that I don’t think his son can properly understand, such as “pack that in!” instead of something a bit more constructive like “I’ve asked you to stop”. His relationship with his ex wife was a strange dynamic and I don’t think that either of them were ever on the same page when it came to parenting their son, she was apparently very unattached and I’m wondering if some of it is learnt behaviour.
Anyway, it’s now getting to the point where I dread him coming to stay with us, and I honestly feel so awful saying that! . I can start to feel my anxiety building and I’m in a snappy mood.
I’m really hoping that speaking to his teachers will help, and they can offer some support and guidance.
My health visitor has also offered her support as she has experience of kids with LD (she used to work at his school coincidentally).
My fears are for the future, and how I can ensure my daughter is safe with her brother.
He’s a big strong lad and he doesn’t know his own strength, plus when puberty hits and he has crazy hormones, I just hope we can manage him and his behaviour.
I want to enjoy being a blended family and learn to love him again like I did when I first came into his life.

You'll need help, from as many agencies as possible. Please don't be frightened of them.

This situation is an issue but you can manage it and in a way where you don't completely lose your mind.

Continue to give your step son love, give him firm boundaries when he is with you (these may not be the same as what other neurotypical families view as being firm), and as much as you can remove the issue (sadly that's the baby).

You can't teach him to cope with the noise beyond ear defenders or similar and his reactions aren't his fault.

I'd also advise short bursts of bonding. So if it's possible get your step son to help sterilise bottles (for instance, and at his level of understanding) whilst explaining caring for a vulnerable baby or when they are both calm, encourage some gentle contact.

 

[SforShortbread]

Hey guys, never ventured out of the tiktok section of tattle! But I'm so glad I found this thread! My little girl (5) not been diagnosed.. its a fighting battle to even get a referral right now. But I mean, I've nobody to talk to about this as people just put her down as a 'naughty child.' So I've just stopped discussing her for my own sanity to family members or friends.
My 5 yo sucked her thumb since being in the womb.. seemed to do ok in nursery but since becoming in school we've noticed more and more signs what ring autism to me. Reception time seemed easy for us compared to now. She was constantly on warnings at school for hurting children etc etc.. the violence then came to home where she would spit on you, punch you, nip you, scratch you etc.. she even said she doesn't like doing it, but when she did it to me in her dream it made her happy!
Shes in Y1 now and the violence has just got worse. I'm not the strongest person at all, and I'm terrified when she's a teenager she will beat the tit out of me, as well as her sister what is a every day occurance in this home.
Has anybody any tactics I can do? Or maybe ways to tackle it.. its just so difficult right now and the behaviour is from about one hour after waking and gradually gets worse throughout the day. To the point she makes me cry.

 

[FlowerPower987]

You'll need help, from as many agencies as possible. Please don't be frightened of them.

This situation is an issue but you can manage it and in a way where you don't completely lose your mind.

Continue to give your step son love, give him firm boundaries when he is with you (these may not be the same as what other neurotypical families view as being firm), and as much as you can remove the issue (sadly that's the baby).

You can't teach him to cope with the noise beyond ear defenders or similar and his reactions aren't his fault.

I'd also advise short bursts of bonding. So if it's possible get your step son to help sterilise bottles (for instance, and at his level of understanding) whilst explaining caring for a vulnerable baby or when they are both calm, encourage some gentle contact.

Which agencies would we need to need to go about contacting? (this is all so new to me, sorry )

Short bursts of bonding definitely sound like a good idea, like I said, I desperately want him to be involved in helping to care for her.
He likes to put her dummy back in her mouth when she cries which we always praise him for, amongst other helpful and gentle things that he does do for her.

It’s hard, as I have 3 other children who are neurotypical, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t parent him in the way that I parent them. I get frustrated because he doesn’t use manners or wash his hands after using the toilet (no matter how much we try and encourage it), and obviously with my own kids if they did this I would get really cross, but with him, I understand that this approach doesn’t necessarily work.
I feel so lost with it all, I lean on my partner for support and guidance but to be honest I think he feels as lost as I do sometimes, and he’s his own flesh and blood.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Which agencies would we need to need to go about contacting? (this is all so new to me, sorry )

Short bursts of bonding definitely sound like a good idea, like I said, I desperately want him to be involved in helping to care for her.
He likes to put her dummy back in her mouth when she cries which we always praise him for, amongst other helpful and gentle things that he does do for her.

It’s hard, as I have 3 other children who are neurotypical, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t parent him in the way that I parent them. I get frustrated because he doesn’t use manners or wash his hands after using the toilet (no matter how much we try and encourage it), and obviously with my own kids if they did this I would get really cross, but with him, I understand that this approach doesn’t necessarily work.
I feel so lost with it all, I lean on my partner for support and guidance but to be honest I think he feels as lost as I do sometimes, and he’s his own flesh and blood.

You're doing amazingly already. You're being kind and understanding in the face of what is a really stressful situation.

Does your step son have a paediatrician he sees regularly? They would be the first port of call.

The school might point you in direction of Family Connect or similar.

If you have a local Sendiass you should contact them and see what they advise, they are really helpful.

Be reassured that you're doing everything right.

 

[Justhereforthebantslll]

What is your relationship likw with your stepson? I wonder if whilsy his dad had 1:2:1 time with also making sure you do too. Purely because whilst I understand you’re busy now if he’s had some form of bond wirh you, then suddenly your busy wirh baby (totally understandable!) and so he’s with his dad more. That might affect him. Maybe your partner could take baby and you and him could do something he enjoys?

Hey guys, never ventured out of the tiktok section of tattle! But I'm so glad I found this thread! My little girl (5) not been diagnosed.. its a fighting battle to even get a referral right now. But I mean, I've nobody to talk to about this as people just put her down as a 'naughty child.' So I've just stopped discussing her for my own sanity to family members or friends.
My 5 yo sucked her thumb since being in the womb.. seemed to do ok in nursery but since becoming in school we've noticed more and more signs what ring autism to me. Reception time seemed easy for us compared to now. She was constantly on warnings at school for hurting children etc etc.. the violence then came to home where she would spit on you, punch you, nip you, scratch you etc.. she even said she doesn't like doing it, but when she did it to me in her dream it made her happy!
Shes in Y1 now and the violence has just got worse. I'm not the strongest person at all, and I'm terrified when she's a teenager she will beat the tit out of me, as well as her sister what is a every day occurance in this home.
Has anybody any tactics I can do? Or maybe ways to tackle it.. its just so difficult right now and the behaviour is from about one hour after waking and gradually gets worse throughout the day. To the point she makes me cry.

it sounda Likw maybe she masks? My daughter also has similar issues. Have school mentioned how she is?
---

What is your relationship likw with your stepson? I wonder if whilsy his dad had 1:2:1 time with also making sure you do too. Purely because whilst I understand you’re busy now if he’s had some form of bond wirh you, then suddenly your busy wirh baby (totally understandable!) and so he’s with his dad more. That might affect him. Maybe your partner could take baby and you and him could do something he enjoys?

Hey guys, never ventured out of the tiktok section of tattle! But I'm so glad I found this thread! My little girl (5) not been diagnosed.. its a fighting battle to even get a referral right now. But I mean, I've nobody to talk to about this as people just put her down as a 'naughty child.' So I've just stopped discussing her for my own sanity to family members or friends.
My 5 yo sucked her thumb since being in the womb.. seemed to do ok in nursery but since becoming in school we've noticed more and more signs what ring autism to me. Reception time seemed easy for us compared to now. She was constantly on warnings at school for hurting children etc etc.. the violence then came to home where she would spit on you, punch you, nip you, scratch you etc.. she even said she doesn't like doing it, but when she did it to me in her dream it made her happy!
Shes in Y1 now and the violence has just got worse. I'm not the strongest person at all, and I'm terrified when she's a teenager she will beat the tit out of me, as well as her sister what is a every day occurance in this home.
Has anybody any tactics I can do? Or maybe ways to tackle it.. its just so difficult right now and the behaviour is from about one hour after waking and gradually gets worse throughout the day. To the point she makes me cry.

it sounda Likw maybe she masks? My daughter also has similar issues. Have school mentioned how she is?

 

[avabella]

Which agencies would we need to need to go about contacting? (this is all so new to me, sorry )

Short bursts of bonding definitely sound like a good idea, like I said, I desperately want him to be involved in helping to care for her.
He likes to put her dummy back in her mouth when she cries which we always praise him for, amongst other helpful and gentle things that he does do for her.

It’s hard, as I have 3 other children who are neurotypical, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t parent him in the way that I parent them. I get frustrated because he doesn’t use manners or wash his hands after using the toilet (no matter how much we try and encourage it), and obviously with my own kids if they did this I would get really cross, but with him, I understand that this approach doesn’t necessarily work.
I feel so lost with it all, I lean on my partner for support and guidance but to be honest I think he feels as lost as I do sometimes, and he’s his own flesh and blood.

Also, get Dad on the case to step up and put some appropriate boundaries in place. This is your special time to enjoy your new born baby and to me, it sounds like you are pulling most of the weight here. He should be showing up and intervening, making sure that your postpartum phase is as stress free as possible.

Re: hand washing etc - would the little boy respond to visual reminders? Like a story board strip with 'toilet first, then hands washed'? Or, for times when he wants to put the babies dummy back in etc, I'd say 'hands washed, then touch the baby, that's the rule'. Setting the boundary early on and being consistent with it will hopefully make it a habit.

I feel for you, I really do. You are doing so much but it does sound like you need support and not to take all of this on your own.

 

[FlowerPower987]

Also, get Dad on the case to step up and put some appropriate boundaries in place. This is your special time to enjoy your new born baby and to me, it sounds like you are pulling most of the weight here. He should be showing up and intervening, making sure that your postpartum phase is as stress free as possible.

Re: hand washing etc - would the little boy respond to visual reminders? Like a story board strip with 'toilet first, then hands washed'? Or, for times when he wants to put the babies dummy back in etc, I'd say 'hands washed, then touch the baby, that's the rule'. Setting the boundary early on and being consistent with it will hopefully make it a habit.

I feel for you, I really do. You are doing so much but it does sound like you need support and not to take all of this on your own.

I have had times when I have become very resentful and angry with my partner, especially during my pregnancy and this postpartum period.
I’ve been left to look after his son a lot whilst he (my partner) continues his outside hobbies, and it’s not been easy especially when I was pregnant and I had my other children to look after (one of them is insulin dependent diabetic).
I told him that there was no way I could look after his son once the baby came along, I don’t want him to give up his hobbies but I just wish he would prioritise us a bit more sometimes.
He now pays my eldest who is 16, to look after his son when he’s out doing his stuff. She’s brilliant with him and very patient, and also loves the money!, but deep down it doesn’t sit right with me. If his ex new this was happening, I know for a fact that she would not be happy!!.
I’m constantly advising him on how he should be treating/discipling/raising his son, and sometimes I get really pissed off that I’m telling a grown man how to bring up his own kid! (even though I have no clue about how to manage a child with autism and LD).
There’s been so many times that I’ve laid in bed in the morning listening to his son smashing and breaking things downstairs in my house and my partner is fast asleep next to me snoring and completely oblivious! I’ve then had to go down and intervene, and then when I’ve cried with frustration he wonders why!.
His son is constantly hurting my cats and now they hide under the bed when he’s here, my partner thinks it’s amusing.
Instead of laughing about it, he needs to be teaching and encouraging him to be gentle with animals, I’ve tried my hardest to demonstrate how to stroke them nicely but without my partner doing it too, he’s not going to learn or take me seriously.
Just this morning, I went downstairs to put the washing on (baby and partner fast asleep in bed) my step son was already downstairs, I then heard him run up the stairs and all I could think was that he was going to jump straight on to our bed (as he often does) and my stomach dropped, I ran up after him and luckily he hadn’t jumped on the bed , but had woken our baby up. I was shaking and my heart was pounding from the adrenaline, and that is the state that I’m in constantly on edge!.

His lack of basic hygiene worries me too, I.e. the lack of hand washing, he doesn’t always brush his teeth (again partner is inconsistent), I found poo on the bathroom floor yesterday. Again, it just feels like me doing all the encouraging. I think my partner feels like I’m bugging his son to wash his hands too
much, but it’s something that really bothers me!.
His diet is poor, high sugary cereal for breakfast, takeaways, he’s constantly asking for junk food, again I’ve tried to advise but it can’t be my place to keep going on about it all of the time.

Sorry for the rant!

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I have had times when I have become very resentful and angry with my partner, especially during my pregnancy and this postpartum period.
I’ve been left to look after his son a lot whilst he (my partner) continues his outside hobbies, and it’s not been easy especially when I was pregnant and I had my other children to look after (one of them is insulin dependent diabetic).
I told him that there was no way I could look after his son once the baby came along, I don’t want him to give up his hobbies but I just wish he would prioritise us a bit more sometimes.
He now pays my eldest who is 16, to look after his son when he’s out doing his stuff. She’s brilliant with him and very patient, and also loves the money!, but deep down it doesn’t sit right with me. If his ex new this was happening, I know for a fact that she would not be happy!!.
I’m constantly advising him on how he should be treating/discipling/raising his son, and sometimes I get really pissed off that I’m telling a grown man how to bring up his own kid! (even though I have no clue about how to manage a child with autism and LD).
There’s been so many times that I’ve laid in bed in the morning listening to his son smashing and breaking things downstairs in my house and my partner is fast asleep next to me snoring and completely oblivious! I’ve then had to go down and intervene, and then when I’ve cried with frustration he wonders why!.
His son is constantly hurting my cats and now they hide under the bed when he’s here, my partner thinks it’s amusing.
Instead of laughing about it, he needs to be teaching and encouraging him to be gentle with animals, I’ve tried my hardest to demonstrate how to stroke them nicely but without my partner doing it too, he’s not going to learn or take me seriously.
Just this morning, I went downstairs to put the washing on (baby and partner fast asleep in bed) my step son was already downstairs, I then heard him run up the stairs and all I could think was that he was going to jump straight on to our bed (as he often does) and my stomach dropped, I ran up after him and luckily he hadn’t jumped on the bed , but had woken our baby up. I was shaking and my heart was pounding from the adrenaline, and that is the state that I’m in constantly on edge!.

His lack of basic hygiene worries me too, I.e. the lack of hand washing, he doesn’t always brush his teeth (again partner is inconsistent), I found poo on the bathroom floor yesterday. Again, it just feels like me doing all the encouraging. I think my partner feels like I’m bugging his son to wash his hands too
much, but it’s something that really bothers me!.
His diet is poor, high sugary cereal for breakfast, takeaways, he’s constantly asking for junk food, again I’ve tried to advise but it can’t be my place to keep going on about it all of the time.

Sorry for the rant!

That all sounds tremendously difficult. Your partner needs to step up but I have no idea how you can get him to so, given everything you've already tried. You're carrying far too much a this point, no wonder you feel resentful.

 

[and nothing happens]

Does your partner have additional needs too? I only ask as you said his ex-wife does and it seems a little unusual that a neurotypical person would be with someone who has a learning difficulty. That might also explain why your partner themselves doesn’t see anything wrong with your stepson not washing, hurting the cats etc. I’ve no advice but just wanted to say I think you’re doing a great job of holding it all together and wanting better for your stepson.

 

[avabella]

I have had times when I have become very resentful and angry with my partner, especially during my pregnancy and this postpartum period.
I’ve been left to look after his son a lot whilst he (my partner) continues his outside hobbies, and it’s not been easy especially when I was pregnant and I had my other children to look after (one of them is insulin dependent diabetic).
I told him that there was no way I could look after his son once the baby came along, I don’t want him to give up his hobbies but I just wish he would prioritise us a bit more sometimes.
He now pays my eldest who is 16, to look after his son when he’s out doing his stuff. She’s brilliant with him and very patient, and also loves the money!, but deep down it doesn’t sit right with me. If his ex new this was happening, I know for a fact that she would not be happy!!.
I’m constantly advising him on how he should be treating/discipling/raising his son, and sometimes I get really pissed off that I’m telling a grown man how to bring up his own kid! (even though I have no clue about how to manage a child with autism and LD).
There’s been so many times that I’ve laid in bed in the morning listening to his son smashing and breaking things downstairs in my house and my partner is fast asleep next to me snoring and completely oblivious! I’ve then had to go down and intervene, and then when I’ve cried with frustration he wonders why!.
His son is constantly hurting my cats and now they hide under the bed when he’s here, my partner thinks it’s amusing.
Instead of laughing about it, he needs to be teaching and encouraging him to be gentle with animals, I’ve tried my hardest to demonstrate how to stroke them nicely but without my partner doing it too, he’s not going to learn or take me seriously.
Just this morning, I went downstairs to put the washing on (baby and partner fast asleep in bed) my step son was already downstairs, I then heard him run up the stairs and all I could think was that he was going to jump straight on to our bed (as he often does) and my stomach dropped, I ran up after him and luckily he hadn’t jumped on the bed , but had woken our baby up. I was shaking and my heart was pounding from the adrenaline, and that is the state that I’m in constantly on edge!.

His lack of basic hygiene worries me too, I.e. the lack of hand washing, he doesn’t always brush his teeth (again partner is inconsistent), I found poo on the bathroom floor yesterday. Again, it just feels like me doing all the encouraging. I think my partner feels like I’m bugging his son to wash his hands too
much, but it’s something that really bothers me!.
His diet is poor, high sugary cereal for breakfast, takeaways, he’s constantly asking for junk food, again I’ve tried to advise but it can’t be my place to keep going on about it all of the time.

Sorry for the rant!

Goodness, this just all sounds so difficult. Blended families are so difficult at the best of times but when you add something like this into the mix it can complicate things so much more. To put it bluntly, your partner is taking the piss. You've just had a baby - hobbies don't exist at the moment, end of. And I will die on that hill.

What do you think would help here? I'd take a long think about what you wanted and go from there on setting some boundaries and laying down some basic rules that will help you feel more secure (in your own home!!) and begin to properly enjoy this newborn phase. Baby will pick up on stresses and if you are feeding yourself etc then it'll begin to affect supply.

I absolutely applaud you for wanting to change things and try to understand the little boy, I really do. But to do it with no support and what sounds like also no appreciation is just not on.

 

[FlowerPower987]

Goodness, this just all sounds so difficult. Blended families are so difficult at the best of times but when you add something like this into the mix it can complicate things so much more. To put it bluntly, your partner is taking the piss. You've just had a baby - hobbies don't exist at the moment, end of. And I will die on that hill.

What do you think would help here? I'd take a long think about what you wanted and go from there on setting some boundaries and laying down some basic rules that will help you feel more secure (in your own home!!) and begin to properly enjoy this newborn phase. Baby will pick up on stresses and if you are feeding yourself etc then it'll begin to affect supply.

I absolutely applaud you for wanting to change things and try to understand the little boy, I really do. But to do it with no support and what sounds like also no appreciation is just not on.

You are so right -literally about everything .
He’s been taking the piss since I was pregnant, and I really struggled with my mood because of it (couldn’t enjoy the latter parts of my pregnancy).
A week after she was born, he was out and about doing his own thing, and I had never felt so unloved, lonely, disrespected or unappreciated (hormones certainly didn’t help), I ended up texting him and saying it was over if things didn’t change and I absolutely meant it.
I think it did shock him, and he’s the type of person that you have to literally SPELL it out to him otherwise he’ll have no idea, the same as what I have to do with his son. If I don’t tell him that his son’s behaviour is bothering me, then he’ll just blindly let him carry on and will be so blasé about it.
He’s got better with showing his love and appreciation for me, but I’ve still got my work cut out I think.
And regarding babies feeding off stress, today my baby has been so unsettled to the point she was inconsolable and screaming (it was horrible), luckily a bath calmed her down, but I’m sure my stress levels haven’t helped her.
Tonight after my step-son had gone home, I tried to speak to my partner about everything, and I said that I’m struggling and worried for the future. He was very defensive of his son’s behaviour (I know this is natural) and said that we shouldn’t take his violent threats seriously
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Does your partner have additional needs too? I only ask as you said his ex-wife does and it seems a little unusual that a neurotypical person would be with someone who has a learning difficulty. That might also explain why your partner themselves doesn’t see anything wrong with your stepson not washing, hurting the cats etc. I’ve no advice but just wanted to say I think you’re doing a great job of holding it all together and wanting better for your stepson.

He hasn’t, but I’ve known him over 20 years now, and I was very surprised when he first started a relationship with her, as she really wasn’t the type of woman that he would normally go for.
On reflection now, he said he got together with her for all the wrong reasons and ended up settling and eventually feeling trapped.
As I mentioned previously, their marriage was a strange dynamic and she was apparently very unattached when their son was born. It was more like 2 mates trying to raise a child who quite obviously had additional needs from early on.
I think it’s only now, since we’ve had our own baby, that he’s suddenly realised how dysfunctional things were for them as new parents, and how this could have impacted his son’s development.
It’s almost like he has to learn to be a parent and partner all over again.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

My son (13) got a place at a SEN school last school year, he went for a month which went really well. He attended school more times in that four weeks than he had in the last two years. Unfortunately there was an issue with transport so he had to stop for a while.

He's just started back and I had really high hopes for it. He did two days and then on Friday refused to go. He's now saying he hates the school and won't go back.

Prior to this he was at the point of permanent exclusion from his mainstream secondary because of his behaviour on the very few days/part days he did attend. He says he wants to go back there. Obviously this isn't an option because they can't meet need.

What on earth do I do now?

 

[avabella]

My son (13) got a place at a SEN school last school year, he went for a month which went really well. He attended school more times in that four weeks than he had in the last two years. Unfortunately there was an issue with transport so he had to stop for a while.

He's just started back and I had really high hopes for it. He did two days and then on Friday refused to go. He's now saying he hates the school and won't go back.

Prior to this he was at the point of permanent exclusion from his mainstream secondary because of his behaviour on the very few days/part days he did attend. He says he wants to go back there. Obviously this isn't an option because they can't meet need.

What on earth do I do now?

It sounds like it was a little bit too much, too soon. What is his understanding / ability like to have a conversation/plan around how many days per week to build up etc? Could you start with attending just a Friday for example, then build up to add in more subjects etc. It can be a marathon not a sprint which can feel frustrating I know.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

It sounds like it was a little bit too much, too soon. What is his understanding / ability like to have a conversation/plan around how many days per week to build up etc? Could you start with attending just a Friday for example, then build up to add in more subjects etc. It can be a marathon not a sprint which can feel frustrating I know.

That's a really good idea, thank you! That's something he'd be able to understand and would potentially make him feel more in control. His need to be in control is a big factor in all aspects of life.

He is very anxious but he is unable to recognise that and the anxiety presents as anger with violent outbursts. Unfortunately this means he's getting into fights with other students. The school is for students with autism and ADHD who have those types of behavioural challenges so as you can imagine, there's plenty of opportunity for that to happen.

I'm worried he's fixed on not going there now. I'm also concerned he'll lose his transport allocation if he isn't attending regularly. There's absolutely no way I'd be able to get him there as it's over an hour away and I work full time. It all feels a bit overwhelming. The advice I'd give to someone would be to deal with each issue as it happens and don't worry about things that haven't happened yet. It seems I'm not very good at taking my own advice though!

 

[avabella]

That's a really good idea, thank you! That's something he'd be able to understand and would potentially make him feel more in control. His need to be in control is a big factor in all aspects of life.

He is very anxious but he is unable to recognise that and the anxiety presents as anger with violent outbursts. Unfortunately this means he's getting into fights with other students. The school is for students with autism and ADHD who have those types of behavioural challenges so as you can imagine, there's plenty of opportunity for that to happen.

I'm worried he's fixed on not going there now. I'm also concerned he'll lose his transport allocation if he isn't attending regularly. There's absolutely no way I'd be able to get him there as it's over an hour away and I work full time. It all feels a bit overwhelming. The advice I'd give to someone would be to deal with each issue as it happens and don't worry about things that haven't happened yet. It seems I'm not very good at taking my own advice though!

Has school or any support staff ever worked on 5 point scale with him? You could do it at home too, the book is on Amazon. Helps to work through what does anxiety feel like, what should I do when I feel like x.y.z and what should others do to help the situation.
re the transport - if you guys all came up with a plan together, for example only attending on a Friday until October holidays, the transport could plan their allocation around that and only send the taxi on the Friday. I think it would need to be a plan that everyone was involved in.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Has school or any support staff ever worked on 5 point scale with him? You could do it at home too, the book is on Amazon. Helps to work through what does anxiety feel like, what should I do when I feel like x.y.z and what should others do to help the situation.
re the transport - if you guys all came up with a plan together, for example only attending on a Friday until October holidays, the transport could plan their allocation around that and only send the taxi on the Friday. I think it would need to be a plan that everyone was involved in.

His junior school did five point scale work with him and we already use it at home (it's a work in progress as the various holes in my walls attest to). Fortunately I'm fairly clued up on that sort of stuff as my eldest is also autistic.

There's a lot of info in his EHCP around anxiety and what can be done to to help him calm down as well. His new school seem really hot on helping the students to recognise their emotions and learn coping strategies to help prevent explosion.

You've offered some really helpful, sensible advice that now you've said it seem obvious. I think I'm so strung out by it that I've lost the ability to think through the problem properly which is a bit frustrating as I'm usually a solutions person.

Thanks for your help, I'm feeling a bit more positive and have a much clearer idea of how to approach the conversation with the school tomorrow.