Parents of autistic children with violent and challenging behaviour

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Three of mine are autistic. Two of them have ADHD as well. My 12 yr old is extremely hard to handle at the moment. School refusal, rudeness, oppositional behaviour, swearing, smashing things in meltdown, doesn't sleep and has been violent to me and his siblings. I'm desperately trying to secure him an EHCP and a place at a specialist school. The future currently seems quite bleak if I'm honest.

I look at families enjoying peaceful, fun days out together and wish my family could have that. The last day out we had ended with my child using the worst language possible at the top of his voice and the first day of our most recent holiday he punched a hole in the caravan wall during a meltdown. I feel so desperately sad for his siblings having to experience this and sad for him because he's so anxious a lot of the time. He can't be enjoying life either.

My eldest is an adult now but he had huge difficulties with anger management throughout his life (but without the oppositional behaviour, school refusal and rudeness. He just had a lot of extreme meltdowns). I didn't ever expect to have to go through it all again but worse. I was a teenage mum so have spent my entire adult life dealing with this stuff and although obviously having children was my choice and I love them dearly, I'm just so sick of the relentless struggle and wonder if there's ever going to be any enjoyment in life.

Sorry for the pity party. It's hard to talk about this stuff to people in real life as I find a lot of people don't fully understand it.

 

[Meg78]

Hi, I posted in this thread almost a year ago now, and sadly things haven’t got any better, if anything they’ve got much worse .
My step-son’s behaviour has worsened, and I’m
still terrified about him potentially hurting our baby (she’s 13 months old now).
He’s still as obsessed with blood/gore/murder, and repeatedly keeps saying “I want to kill someone”.
I saw a perinatal psychologist a few weeks ago, as I have terrible postnatal PTSD from my last birth, which is only getting worse, and sadly I also lost identical twin girls at 15 weeks pregnant back in November , so as you can imagine, my mental health has really taken a bashing.
My psychologist feels that the stress and anxiety that I have with my step son has exacerbated my PTSD, and she was very concerned about what I had told her i.e. his behaviour, she said that it’s a huge safeguarding concern for my baby daughter (and my other 3 kids), and that she was making a social services referral.
His behaviour is totally out of control and completely unpredictable.
I can’t sleep properly when he is at our house, because I’m just waiting for him to burst into our bedroom screaming and shouting at silly O’clock , with his iPad on full blast.
Since I lost my twins, my sleep is terrible anyway, but when he is at ours, it’s 10 times worse .
I’m in flight or fight constantly, and I can’t rest or relax in my own home.
My other kids go and hide at the their dads, and my baby can’t play properly because he constantly takes her toys off her and is up on her face screaming, or if she is just having a wander around, he is chasing her and bothering her.
He’s made sexual comments to her too, a few months ago, she was in her car seat and he squatted over her and asked her to touch his willy.
His mum is still allowing him to watch unsuitable online content which is obviously making his obsessions worse.
His diet is still very poor, and he is having diarrhoea every single day and complaining of belly ache.
He is constantly thirsty , so I would imagine that he is dehydrated.
My partner tries to have as much 1:1 time with him as he can, and is always taking him to the cinema or swimming, but I just seems to make his behaviour worse if anything, as he comes home and he is absolutely wired.
My partner is also very much in denial annoyingly, and doesn’t seem to see just how serious things are, even after I told him about my psychologist making the SS referral, he just seems very indifferent towards the situation.
In my opinion, he’s still very inconsistent with him (as I mentioned before), sometimes he’s strict with him, sometimes he’s not, if anything it feels like he hasn’t got the confidence to know how to handle him.
I think a lot of his son’s behaviour is attention seeking, for example the other day, he said “I love you daddy” 5 times in a row (I counted) and my partner ignored him, the next day he repeatedly said it again , and again no reply .
My partner has told me many times, that his ex wife emotionally (and physically) neglected their son when he was little, she wouldn’t respond to his cries or ever hold him or cuddle him, and when my partner came home from work, he was in dirty nappies and had been left to his own devices, and would sometimes have unexplained bruises.
It’s all so heartbreaking, but I feel like my partner is also emotionally neglecting him, by not telling him he loves him and not giving him hugs, and also not giving him any boundaries either.
He was meant to FaceTime him on the weekends that he doesn’t have him, but he never ever does, despite it being in the plan that school had devised.
He also had an award chart that school had made, which is on our fridge and has never been used!! despite my his son being really excited to use it and understanding it really well.
I just feel like he is being let down on so many levels, and it feels like it’s me that’s trying to pick up the pieces to my own detriment.
My mental health is suffering for it, and I’m exhausted.
I haven’t heard anything from SS yet, and I’m feeling really anxious about it, not to mention guilty, but at the same time, I know it has to be done.

So sorry to blunt but… Why are you still with your partner when he shows indifference to childrens and/or violence tendencies?

 

[Chooeytwo]

I can only imagine how stressful that is on you. Your partner really needs to step up when his son is there. To be honest, if it is at all possible, is there any way that you and your daughter can stay somewhere else when your step son visits? I know you’d feel guilty and it would be very difficult but maybe your partner would step up. The fact that he has made a sexual comment towards your toddler and in light of what else he is saying I think it’s definitely a safeguarding issue. I’m so sorry to hear about your miscarriage also. Your partner needs to be more supportive

 

[WadieHaddadsChocolates]

.
He’s still as obsessed with blood/gore/murder, and repeatedly keeps saying “I want to kill someone”.

His behaviour is totally out of control and completely unpredictable.

My other kids go and hide at the their dads, and my baby can’t play properly because he constantly takes her toys off her and is up on her face screaming, or if she is just having a wander around, he is chasing her and bothering her.

He’s made sexual comments to her too, a few months ago, she was in her car seat and he squatted over her and asked her to touch his willy.

His mum is still allowing him to watch unsuitable online content which is obviously making his obsessions worse.

If someone else told you the above about a step-child of an ex partner, what would you advise them to do in the light of having children of your own who are that step-child's likely target for sexual behaviours and killing rages?

Your partner sounds like he is putting a lot of blame of his ex 's neglect and ignoring the fact he doesn't engage with his child either and thus is also a source of neglect in the child's life. I question why you want kids with a man who won't respond to an existing kid and who is letting you take the weight of his own past and current neglect?

I personally don't really get why you're dealing with this child at all if you're not with his dad tbqh. You can have compassion without having to harm yourself or your kids by allowing him to push you to the edge. Don't set youtrself on fire to warm others. The people who should be 100% responsible for him and accountable for his problems are his mother and father, who seems to have managed to get themselves out of a lot of the burden and push it onto you.

 

[Missdissapointed]

I’m making this thread for support and advice for parents of autistic children and are also violent and challenging. Parent of children who aren’t violent are also welcome to join.

our days are getting increasingly difficult with our autistic PDA child. I could really use support

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

I have had times when I have become very resentful and angry with my partner, especially during my pregnancy and this postpartum period.
I’ve been left to look after his son a lot whilst he (my partner) continues his outside hobbies, and it’s not been easy especially when I was pregnant and I had my other children to look after (one of them is insulin dependent diabetic).
I told him that there was no way I could look after his son once the baby came along, I don’t want him to give up his hobbies but I just wish he would prioritise us a bit more sometimes.
He now pays my eldest who is 16, to look after his son when he’s out doing his stuff. She’s brilliant with him and very patient, and also loves the money!, but deep down it doesn’t sit right with me. If his ex new this was happening, I know for a fact that she would not be happy!!.
I’m constantly advising him on how he should be treating/discipling/raising his son, and sometimes I get really pissed off that I’m telling a grown man how to bring up his own kid! (even though I have no clue about how to manage a child with autism and LD).
There’s been so many times that I’ve laid in bed in the morning listening to his son smashing and breaking things downstairs in my house and my partner is fast asleep next to me snoring and completely oblivious! I’ve then had to go down and intervene, and then when I’ve cried with frustration he wonders why!.
His son is constantly hurting my cats and now they hide under the bed when he’s here, my partner thinks it’s amusing.
Instead of laughing about it, he needs to be teaching and encouraging him to be gentle with animals, I’ve tried my hardest to demonstrate how to stroke them nicely but without my partner doing it too, he’s not going to learn or take me seriously.
Just this morning, I went downstairs to put the washing on (baby and partner fast asleep in bed) my step son was already downstairs, I then heard him run up the stairs and all I could think was that he was going to jump straight on to our bed (as he often does) and my stomach dropped, I ran up after him and luckily he hadn’t jumped on the bed , but had woken our baby up. I was shaking and my heart was pounding from the adrenaline, and that is the state that I’m in constantly on edge!.

His lack of basic hygiene worries me too, I.e. the lack of hand washing, he doesn’t always brush his teeth (again partner is inconsistent), I found poo on the bathroom floor yesterday. Again, it just feels like me doing all the encouraging. I think my partner feels like I’m bugging his son to wash his hands too
much, but it’s something that really bothers me!.
His diet is poor, high sugary cereal for breakfast, takeaways, he’s constantly asking for junk food, again I’ve tried to advise but it can’t be my place to keep going on about it all of the time.

Sorry for the rant!

That all sounds tremendously difficult. Your partner needs to step up but I have no idea how you can get him to so, given everything you've already tried. You're carrying far too much a this point, no wonder you feel resentful.

 

[avabella]

Hi, I’m really struggling with my autistic stepson, he’s almost 11 and stays with us every other weekend. He is verbal and has a global learning difficulty.
We had a baby almost 3 months ago, and we have definitely noticed a change in his behaviour since the baby has come along. Initially he started off being very affectionate and loving towards her, but has slowly started to become aggressive, and will poke and jab her at any opportunity, he hit her with a pair of plastic scissors because her crying was annoying him but denied doing it when I challenged him on it (I saw it from the corner of my eye).
He now keeps talking about wanting to “kill her” in very graphic detail. My partner is at a loss what to do.
When challenged, my step son admits that this is bad behaviour but continues to do it. It’s now got to the point that I won’t let him near her unless I’m holding her. My partner has contacted his teacher and asked for a meeting.
I don’t think he has ever been given any appropriate discipline or boundaries, and just runs wild when he’s at ours.
He also lies a lot (says my son bullies him which isn’t true) and hurts my cats, which I just can’t tolerate!
. I feel so bad moaning about him and I’m trying my best to have patience, but I cannot tolerate him doing things to my baby and saying he wants to kill her. I’m so on edge and anxious.

This sounds like such a stressful situation for all.

He most likely will be getting spooked by the unpredictable nature of a baby. Does he have ear defenders/headphones he can wear to take the frightening aspect out of baby crying? Maybe he could be involved in some of the routine aspects of babies life that are predictable i.e. feeding and then nap time?

Of course you are totally right to be wary and monitoring this carefully. He may say the words and describe situations, but the cognitive understanding of the actual actions may not be there.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Howdy folks I’ve got an aggressive/violent child when overwhelmed and two sets of grandparents who make it SO much worse

Not quite sure how to talk about Christmas with them, we’re being nagged to do santas grottos and brass bands and light trails in dark woodland, and I can’t quite get them to understand that the kid who runs off towards the nearest danger, who lashes out without warning, is probably not the safest bet for those sorts of activities. We’ve tried going in previous years with the use of a buggy but even then it was stressful, having them free to cause mayhem just seems like a nightmare!

Does anyone else have grandparents that don’t understand? Does it ever get easier?

My eldest paternal grandparent's didn't really get. How are things for you now? Have you got much booked or have they been more reasonable?
---
Just a mild complaint, sorry...

I've had to swap my son's bedroom with my office/study. Firstly, I realise that I'm lucky to have this as an option. However, it's cost me such a lot of money. We've moved bits of furniture today and the effort needed has been ridiculous.

Shortly after that my son had a massive meltdown because he didn't log in early enough to a Fortnite event on line so was in a virtual queue. His response was to smash his room to shit.

I'm so tired of this. I don't want to live like this and every time this happens I'm being triggered about how his dad behaved. My house is being smashed to bits and I can't afford to fix it all.

Tomorrow is a new day and all plod on but today is shit.


Eta: I wrote these as entirely separate comments but they've been lumped together, sorry.

 

[avabella]

Which agencies would we need to need to go about contacting? (this is all so new to me, sorry )

Short bursts of bonding definitely sound like a good idea, like I said, I desperately want him to be involved in helping to care for her.
He likes to put her dummy back in her mouth when she cries which we always praise him for, amongst other helpful and gentle things that he does do for her.

It’s hard, as I have 3 other children who are neurotypical, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t parent him in the way that I parent them. I get frustrated because he doesn’t use manners or wash his hands after using the toilet (no matter how much we try and encourage it), and obviously with my own kids if they did this I would get really cross, but with him, I understand that this approach doesn’t necessarily work.
I feel so lost with it all, I lean on my partner for support and guidance but to be honest I think he feels as lost as I do sometimes, and he’s his own flesh and blood.

Also, get Dad on the case to step up and put some appropriate boundaries in place. This is your special time to enjoy your new born baby and to me, it sounds like you are pulling most of the weight here. He should be showing up and intervening, making sure that your postpartum phase is as stress free as possible.

Re: hand washing etc - would the little boy respond to visual reminders? Like a story board strip with 'toilet first, then hands washed'? Or, for times when he wants to put the babies dummy back in etc, I'd say 'hands washed, then touch the baby, that's the rule'. Setting the boundary early on and being consistent with it will hopefully make it a habit.

I feel for you, I really do. You are doing so much but it does sound like you need support and not to take all of this on your own.

 

[FlowerPower987]

Hi, I’m really struggling with my autistic stepson, he’s almost 11 and stays with us every other weekend. He is verbal and has a global learning difficulty.
We had a baby almost 3 months ago, and we have definitely noticed a change in his behaviour since the baby has come along. Initially he started off being very affectionate and loving towards her, but has slowly started to become aggressive, and will poke and jab her at any opportunity, he hit her with a pair of plastic scissors because her crying was annoying him but denied doing it when I challenged him on it (I saw it from the corner of my eye).
He now keeps talking about wanting to “kill her” in very graphic detail. My partner is at a loss what to do.
When challenged, my step son admits that this is bad behaviour but continues to do it. It’s now got to the point that I won’t let him near her unless I’m holding her. My partner has contacted his teacher and asked for a meeting.
I don’t think he has ever been given any appropriate discipline or boundaries, and just runs wild when he’s at ours.
He also lies a lot (says my son bullies him which isn’t true) and hurts my cats, which I just can’t tolerate!
. I feel so bad moaning about him and I’m trying my best to have patience, but I cannot tolerate him doing things to my baby and saying he wants to kill her. I’m so on edge and anxious.

 

[FlowerPower987]

Hi, I posted in this thread almost a year ago now, and sadly things haven’t got any better, if anything they’ve got much worse .
My step-son’s behaviour has worsened, and I’m
still terrified about him potentially hurting our baby (she’s 13 months old now).
He’s still as obsessed with blood/gore/murder, and repeatedly keeps saying “I want to kill someone”.
I saw a perinatal psychologist a few weeks ago, as I have terrible postnatal PTSD from my last birth, which is only getting worse, and sadly I also lost identical twin girls at 15 weeks pregnant back in November , so as you can imagine, my mental health has really taken a bashing.
My psychologist feels that the stress and anxiety that I have with my step son has exacerbated my PTSD, and she was very concerned about what I had told her i.e. his behaviour, she said that it’s a huge safeguarding concern for my baby daughter (and my other 3 kids), and that she was making a social services referral.
His behaviour is totally out of control and completely unpredictable.
I can’t sleep properly when he is at our house, because I’m just waiting for him to burst into our bedroom screaming and shouting at silly O’clock , with his iPad on full blast.
Since I lost my twins, my sleep is terrible anyway, but when he is at ours, it’s 10 times worse .
I’m in flight or fight constantly, and I can’t rest or relax in my own home.
My other kids go and hide at the their dads, and my baby can’t play properly because he constantly takes her toys off her and is up on her face screaming, or if she is just having a wander around, he is chasing her and bothering her.
He’s made sexual comments to her too, a few months ago, she was in her car seat and he squatted over her and asked her to touch his willy.
His mum is still allowing him to watch unsuitable online content which is obviously making his obsessions worse.
His diet is still very poor, and he is having diarrhoea every single day and complaining of belly ache.
He is constantly thirsty , so I would imagine that he is dehydrated.
My partner tries to have as much 1:1 time with him as he can, and is always taking him to the cinema or swimming, but I just seems to make his behaviour worse if anything, as he comes home and he is absolutely wired.
My partner is also very much in denial annoyingly, and doesn’t seem to see just how serious things are, even after I told him about my psychologist making the SS referral, he just seems very indifferent towards the situation.
In my opinion, he’s still very inconsistent with him (as I mentioned before), sometimes he’s strict with him, sometimes he’s not, if anything it feels like he hasn’t got the confidence to know how to handle him.
I think a lot of his son’s behaviour is attention seeking, for example the other day, he said “I love you daddy” 5 times in a row (I counted) and my partner ignored him, the next day he repeatedly said it again , and again no reply .
My partner has told me many times, that his ex wife emotionally (and physically) neglected their son when he was little, she wouldn’t respond to his cries or ever hold him or cuddle him, and when my partner came home from work, he was in dirty nappies and had been left to his own devices, and would sometimes have unexplained bruises.
It’s all so heartbreaking, but I feel like my partner is also emotionally neglecting him, by not telling him he loves him and not giving him hugs, and also not giving him any boundaries either.
He was meant to FaceTime him on the weekends that he doesn’t have him, but he never ever does, despite it being in the plan that school had devised.
He also had an award chart that school had made, which is on our fridge and has never been used!! despite my his son being really excited to use it and understanding it really well.
I just feel like he is being let down on so many levels, and it feels like it’s me that’s trying to pick up the pieces to my own detriment.
My mental health is suffering for it, and I’m exhausted.
I haven’t heard anything from SS yet, and I’m feeling really anxious about it, not to mention guilty, but at the same time, I know it has to be done.

 

[FlowerPower987]

Goodness, this just all sounds so difficult. Blended families are so difficult at the best of times but when you add something like this into the mix it can complicate things so much more. To put it bluntly, your partner is taking the piss. You've just had a baby - hobbies don't exist at the moment, end of. And I will die on that hill.

What do you think would help here? I'd take a long think about what you wanted and go from there on setting some boundaries and laying down some basic rules that will help you feel more secure (in your own home!!) and begin to properly enjoy this newborn phase. Baby will pick up on stresses and if you are feeding yourself etc then it'll begin to affect supply.

I absolutely applaud you for wanting to change things and try to understand the little boy, I really do. But to do it with no support and what sounds like also no appreciation is just not on.

You are so right -literally about everything .
He’s been taking the piss since I was pregnant, and I really struggled with my mood because of it (couldn’t enjoy the latter parts of my pregnancy).
A week after she was born, he was out and about doing his own thing, and I had never felt so unloved, lonely, disrespected or unappreciated (hormones certainly didn’t help), I ended up texting him and saying it was over if things didn’t change and I absolutely meant it.
I think it did shock him, and he’s the type of person that you have to literally SPELL it out to him otherwise he’ll have no idea, the same as what I have to do with his son. If I don’t tell him that his son’s behaviour is bothering me, then he’ll just blindly let him carry on and will be so blasé about it.
He’s got better with showing his love and appreciation for me, but I’ve still got my work cut out I think.
And regarding babies feeding off stress, today my baby has been so unsettled to the point she was inconsolable and screaming (it was horrible), luckily a bath calmed her down, but I’m sure my stress levels haven’t helped her.
Tonight after my step-son had gone home, I tried to speak to my partner about everything, and I said that I’m struggling and worried for the future. He was very defensive of his son’s behaviour (I know this is natural) and said that we shouldn’t take his violent threats seriously
---

Does your partner have additional needs too? I only ask as you said his ex-wife does and it seems a little unusual that a neurotypical person would be with someone who has a learning difficulty. That might also explain why your partner themselves doesn’t see anything wrong with your stepson not washing, hurting the cats etc. I’ve no advice but just wanted to say I think you’re doing a great job of holding it all together and wanting better for your stepson.

He hasn’t, but I’ve known him over 20 years now, and I was very surprised when he first started a relationship with her, as she really wasn’t the type of woman that he would normally go for.
On reflection now, he said he got together with her for all the wrong reasons and ended up settling and eventually feeling trapped.
As I mentioned previously, their marriage was a strange dynamic and she was apparently very unattached when their son was born. It was more like 2 mates trying to raise a child who quite obviously had additional needs from early on.
I think it’s only now, since we’ve had our own baby, that he’s suddenly realised how dysfunctional things were for them as new parents, and how this could have impacted his son’s development.
It’s almost like he has to learn to be a parent and partner all over again.

 

[avabella]

I have had times when I have become very resentful and angry with my partner, especially during my pregnancy and this postpartum period.
I’ve been left to look after his son a lot whilst he (my partner) continues his outside hobbies, and it’s not been easy especially when I was pregnant and I had my other children to look after (one of them is insulin dependent diabetic).
I told him that there was no way I could look after his son once the baby came along, I don’t want him to give up his hobbies but I just wish he would prioritise us a bit more sometimes.
He now pays my eldest who is 16, to look after his son when he’s out doing his stuff. She’s brilliant with him and very patient, and also loves the money!, but deep down it doesn’t sit right with me. If his ex new this was happening, I know for a fact that she would not be happy!!.
I’m constantly advising him on how he should be treating/discipling/raising his son, and sometimes I get really pissed off that I’m telling a grown man how to bring up his own kid! (even though I have no clue about how to manage a child with autism and LD).
There’s been so many times that I’ve laid in bed in the morning listening to his son smashing and breaking things downstairs in my house and my partner is fast asleep next to me snoring and completely oblivious! I’ve then had to go down and intervene, and then when I’ve cried with frustration he wonders why!.
His son is constantly hurting my cats and now they hide under the bed when he’s here, my partner thinks it’s amusing.
Instead of laughing about it, he needs to be teaching and encouraging him to be gentle with animals, I’ve tried my hardest to demonstrate how to stroke them nicely but without my partner doing it too, he’s not going to learn or take me seriously.
Just this morning, I went downstairs to put the washing on (baby and partner fast asleep in bed) my step son was already downstairs, I then heard him run up the stairs and all I could think was that he was going to jump straight on to our bed (as he often does) and my stomach dropped, I ran up after him and luckily he hadn’t jumped on the bed , but had woken our baby up. I was shaking and my heart was pounding from the adrenaline, and that is the state that I’m in constantly on edge!.

His lack of basic hygiene worries me too, I.e. the lack of hand washing, he doesn’t always brush his teeth (again partner is inconsistent), I found poo on the bathroom floor yesterday. Again, it just feels like me doing all the encouraging. I think my partner feels like I’m bugging his son to wash his hands too
much, but it’s something that really bothers me!.
His diet is poor, high sugary cereal for breakfast, takeaways, he’s constantly asking for junk food, again I’ve tried to advise but it can’t be my place to keep going on about it all of the time.

Sorry for the rant!

Goodness, this just all sounds so difficult. Blended families are so difficult at the best of times but when you add something like this into the mix it can complicate things so much more. To put it bluntly, your partner is taking the piss. You've just had a baby - hobbies don't exist at the moment, end of. And I will die on that hill.

What do you think would help here? I'd take a long think about what you wanted and go from there on setting some boundaries and laying down some basic rules that will help you feel more secure (in your own home!!) and begin to properly enjoy this newborn phase. Baby will pick up on stresses and if you are feeding yourself etc then it'll begin to affect supply.

I absolutely applaud you for wanting to change things and try to understand the little boy, I really do. But to do it with no support and what sounds like also no appreciation is just not on.

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Which agencies would we need to need to go about contacting? (this is all so new to me, sorry )

Short bursts of bonding definitely sound like a good idea, like I said, I desperately want him to be involved in helping to care for her.
He likes to put her dummy back in her mouth when she cries which we always praise him for, amongst other helpful and gentle things that he does do for her.

It’s hard, as I have 3 other children who are neurotypical, and I have to keep reminding myself that I can’t parent him in the way that I parent them. I get frustrated because he doesn’t use manners or wash his hands after using the toilet (no matter how much we try and encourage it), and obviously with my own kids if they did this I would get really cross, but with him, I understand that this approach doesn’t necessarily work.
I feel so lost with it all, I lean on my partner for support and guidance but to be honest I think he feels as lost as I do sometimes, and he’s his own flesh and blood.

You're doing amazingly already. You're being kind and understanding in the face of what is a really stressful situation.

Does your step son have a paediatrician he sees regularly? They would be the first port of call.

The school might point you in direction of Family Connect or similar.

If you have a local Sendiass you should contact them and see what they advise, they are really helpful.

Be reassured that you're doing everything right.

 

[Squittel]

I don’t know if my daughter is autistic. I don’t know what she is to be honest. I’ve read that autistic girls can fit in a school by masking and then it all falls apart at home. I wonder if this is the case with her.

i could use some support/advice. I don’t know where to start. She’s 5 and she’s got some excellent traits. She’s smart and she’s logical, she can watch you do something once and she’s able to do it straightaway. But her temper has always been more than an average child. Even when she was a baby she could scream and cry for hours. I put it down to colic but I fear it’s just the way she is.

I tread on eggshells around her and she knows. I put my foot down and all hell breaks loose. I’ve tried nearly everything. The thing is, she’s good at school and around other people. It’s her dad and me she’s like this with. I know what you’re going to say “it’s because she feels safe with you, she can let it all out” I think there’s more to it than that. I don’t even know what example to give there’s so many.

I guess food is a big thing. She’s always been a picky eater. Needs lots of extra help to get any food down her that isn’t chocolate. She came back from school and asked for two chocolates. I said, hey let’s have one because it’s dinner soon. All hell broke loose. The one chocolate got thrown because she must have two. She hits and kicks and throws, thrashes around hurting herself and others. Normal consequences don’t work because she doesn’t want a hug. She doesn’t want anything other than her own way. What ever that thing is. She says sorry, sometimes but she screams it in your face. You try to talk to her about it afterwards and she just wont have it.

No one else sees this side of her. Everyone thinks she’s lovely. And she is. Sometimes. If you try and make up with her she locks herself in the bathroom and she’ll stay in the there. She’s stubborn.

I keep asking her not to pick up the cat but she just won’t listen.

I’ve bought booked but they are all geared towards older children who have been diagnosed with something. She doesn’t really meet the diagnostic criteria to anything because she’s lovely to everyone else but runs circles around us.

I cry all the time because I just don’t know what to do any more. She hits me and gives me bruises but at school she’s an Angel. It must be us, it must be something we are doing or not doing. But I don’t know what it is. I read, I try to learn, I try to listen to her, hell I even watch super nanny for tips but she’s just not wired like other children.

 

[Missdissapointed]

Yes he goes to nursery, they’ve been a bit shit really as whenever I’ve raised concerns they always say he’s very laid back, never ever kicks off, will happily communicate all of his needs etc which makes me think he’s masking potentially as he’s a totally different child at home and not in the “you left me so I’m punishing you” sense like you’d expect..which is also the same as my partner at that age according to his mum. They did say he’s a very independent player though and prefers to play alone than with others. I think I may raise it again with them when we go back after half term as its getting really quite bad at home. He does have enlarged ventricles in his brain which is a hard marker for autism so ill raise it with nursery if not I think I’ll go to the GP. Thank you for your reply xx

He is probably definitely masking in nursery. Write everything down and call a meeting with the nursery with your concerns and push and push for referrals. It’s such a long process. We started to raise concerns with my sons nursery around 18m, pushed for referrals at around 2 and applied for EHCP, EHCP awarded at age 3 but was shit, diagnosed age 4 and headed towards tribunal to make his EHCP water tight and and asked for independent specialist. LA conceded just before tribunal and we got what we want. That was a long battle but not half as long as what some other parents go through. Deffo no harm in pushing and asking for referrals now. If you want any advice I don’t mind at all we’ve been through so much already so feel like I’ve got quite a lot of knowledge to share when it comes to EHCP, referrals and diagnosis xx

 

[pixieshix]

6.5 year old and his violent outbursts are awful. Also poor sleep and over tiredness . 8 year old daughter exactly the same and suspected 3 year old with SEN now aswell.

 

[Missdissapointed]

How old is your little boy? My son is 8 and nonverbal. It's so hard sometimes xx

My son is 4.5, he is verbal. It’s just constant every single day and we have little to no support with him. My husband and I are usually on the same page and it doesn’t affect us but it has started to cause arguments between us now. We have been declined direct payments because apparently he is not disabled. Do you get much support? Xx

 

[TwooTwooTwitTwitTwoo]

Thanks for the replies, I really appreciate it .
I posted about it on Netmums a few weeks ago but I haven’t had any responses .

His teachers have been concerned about his fixation with blood and murder for a couple of years now, to the point that they had to stop him from using red pens and crayons because he kept drawing blood and gore.
We think it stemmed from him accidentally watching ‘Chucky’ at his mum’s house and he’s now developed a degree of trauma from it.
His mum has a mild form of LD herself, and I know that she has her struggles with him, and IMO has not had the support that she should have had professionally.

I recognise that our baby coming along has likely triggered some insecurities and jealousy for him, and I have encouraged my partner to try and spend as much 1:1 time with him that he can.
We’ve also included him in helping care for the baby, but he starts off being gentle and then just gets rougher and rougher, I.e. he helps to wind her but then will start slapping her hard on the back. It’s like he knows what he’s doing and will push us to see how far he can go with it.
I want him to be involved in his baby sister’s life and I hate the idea of taking that time away from him, but my protective instincts of her obviously have to override that desire.

She can never settle properly when he’s with us either as he’s always waking her up either purposely or by accident as he is so loud, he has to have his iPad and the TV up on full blast and is always slamming doors and thundering up and down the stairs.
My partner is trying his best, but if I’m honest he isn’t always consistent with him and uses phrases and words that I don’t think his son can properly understand, such as “pack that in!” instead of something a bit more constructive like “I’ve asked you to stop”. His relationship with his ex wife was a strange dynamic and I don’t think that either of them were ever on the same page when it came to parenting their son, she was apparently very unattached and I’m wondering if some of it is learnt behaviour.
Anyway, it’s now getting to the point where I dread him coming to stay with us, and I honestly feel so awful saying that! . I can start to feel my anxiety building and I’m in a snappy mood.
I’m really hoping that speaking to his teachers will help, and they can offer some support and guidance.
My health visitor has also offered her support as she has experience of kids with LD (she used to work at his school coincidentally).
My fears are for the future, and how I can ensure my daughter is safe with her brother.
He’s a big strong lad and he doesn’t know his own strength, plus when puberty hits and he has crazy hormones, I just hope we can manage him and his behaviour.
I want to enjoy being a blended family and learn to love him again like I did when I first came into his life.

You'll need help, from as many agencies as possible. Please don't be frightened of them.

This situation is an issue but you can manage it and in a way where you don't completely lose your mind.

Continue to give your step son love, give him firm boundaries when he is with you (these may not be the same as what other neurotypical families view as being firm), and as much as you can remove the issue (sadly that's the baby).

You can't teach him to cope with the noise beyond ear defenders or similar and his reactions aren't his fault.

I'd also advise short bursts of bonding. So if it's possible get your step son to help sterilise bottles (for instance, and at his level of understanding) whilst explaining caring for a vulnerable baby or when they are both calm, encourage some gentle contact.

 

[Jtb35]

My asd/bipolar/pda son is 24 now and I've been dealing with his aggression/anxiety since he was 12.Awful for the whole family and not a life i thought we'd be living.
Here if anyone wants to chat I'm usually up till the early hours waiting for him to sleep.