One & done motherhood / children

[Mbella]

I have a 3 year old and I was open in theory to the idea of having another - haven't completely shut that avenue off - but as time goes by I'm more and more content with the idea that our family is complete. I didn't have a hard pregnancy really - just don't want to go through all that again. And seeing a friend who has a toddler and a baby - she has a lot to deal with and it made me realise I don't want to go through all that.

My daughter is happy and healthy and we are so lucky. She goes to nursery and gets so much out of that and being around other children. I have other things I want to do in my life and feel I'm a good mother now. I'm not sure I could be a good mother to more than one child. And the main reason is that deep down I don't want to be. It would be a terrible thing just to have another child due to external pressure, real or imagined.

Guilt is so pernicious isn't it. I recently read Motherhood: a Manifesto by Eliane Glaser and really recommend it. It's about motherhood in general rather than this particular issue but it highlights how it's convenient for society to make mothers feel guilty rather than address the real structural issues. Really helped with my guilt!

 

[veryfondoftea]

I love this thread! I have one child and my husband and I knew pretty much straight away our family was complete. We’ve always been on the same page with that. Our daughter is now almost 9 and we have a great life. I don’t feel guilty about her not having a sibling although she does still ask for one sometimes!

she’s really confident and used to communicating with adults. In order to mitigate the ‘only child/lack of ready made playmates’ thing we always choose our holiday venue so that there will be children around she can make friends with. We also go away with friends and when she’s older, will let her bring a friend on our hols with us.
We try and let her have friends round frequently and she does clubs that we wouldn’t be able to afford if we had two.
We are really happy as a threesome and are all pretty close. We still frequently get asked when we will be having another child though!

 

[LaurieLaurie]

I’m done at one.. She is turning 12 and I’m 31, it’s been a great balance of focusing on and enjoying her but now she’s older I can still have my life and freedom.

 

[Happy35]

I was done after one, I had my son young and wanted to give him the best I could in time and opportunities. I also wanted to continue working and build a career, my partner wanted us to have more children but I didn’t want any more. I did get sick of people offering an opinion and telling me of course I wanted more children as I loved children, I do love children but definitely didn’t want any more. I am now in my 40s and never regretted my decision, my son loves being an only child as he knows he had lots of time, attention, hobbies and trips etc that I couldn’t have afforded for two children.

 

[hol20x]

I’m a single parent to a 3 year old and I definitely don’t want any more kids. I had severe PND after her birth for over a year and I wouldn’t want to possibly end up putting myself through that again. The way I felt was horrific. I know there’s no guarantee that it would happen again but I couldn’t risk it. It’s the lowest I’ve ever felt in my life. People always say to me, “oh you’ll change your mind you’re still young” cos I’m in my twenties but I find it so rude, some people only want one and it’s ignorant to not consider that I have good reason for not wanting more.

I do feel bad that she has no siblings or even any cousins but the way I try to look at it is that she has all my attention and doesn’t have to share me with anyone else.

 

[AManWalksDownTheStreet]

I love this thread, so I’m posting on it to wake it up again! I wonder if with everything going on in the world, cost of living being what it is that being a triangle family will become more common?

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

Thank you for re opening the thread!

I’m currently on my period so weirdly emotional about a lot of things but I’ve cried twice at how quickly my toddler is growing up this week! I still couldn’t think of anything worse than a second though. I wonder how these feelings will develop with time

 

[Mbella]

I've been posting on the living with cancer thread: I was diagnosed with breast cancer six weeks ago. I've got a lovely 3 year old and was already pretty sure I didn't want another. Because I'm reasonably young the NHS offered to freeze my eggs for free before chemo started, but I said no: my body is going to be having enough challenges prior to turning 40! This has just made a 90% decision 100% in my mind, doesn't feel particularly sad, just the right thing.

Also, I'm so so glad I wasn't pregnant when diagnosed with cancer. this experience has just made me more certain that we should trust our instincts about what's right for us.

 

[Web30]

We have 1, at the time i did want more but as shes gotten older I know I dont, my husbands not intrested in anymore. I love being a famliy of three!

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

I've been posting on the living with cancer thread: I was diagnosed with breast cancer six weeks ago. I've got a lovely 3 year old and was already pretty sure I didn't want another. Because I'm reasonably young the NHS offered to freeze my eggs for free before chemo started, but I said no: my body is going to be having enough challenges prior to turning 40! This has just made a 90% decision 100% in my mind, doesn't feel particularly sad, just the right thing.

Also, I'm so so glad I wasn't pregnant when diagnosed with cancer. this experience has just made me more certain that we should trust our instincts about what's right for us.

Thank you for sharing this, especially so early into your journey. Wishing you and your family the best x

 

[Countrygirl321]

I was so happy as a family of 3, we have an amazing son who will be 5 soon. I don’t enjoy being pregnant or the PND that I suffered first time around. I have so much fear of it happening again. My husband was desperate for another baby and I was terrified of him leaving me so here I am 20 weeks pregnant and secretly depressed. I wear a fake smile every day. I know I will love my baby and I know I am blessed when I feel those little kicks but it definitely wasn’t my choice. I just hope my husband appreciates it because he definitely pressured me.

 

[AManWalksDownTheStreet]

Thank you for re opening the thread!

I’m currently on my period so weirdly emotional about a lot of things but I’ve cried twice at how quickly my toddler is growing up this week! I still couldn’t think of anything worse than a second though. I wonder how these feelings will develop with time

It’s totally possible to miss the baby you had without wanting another one. I feel the same about my daughter and she’s only two.

I was so happy as a family of 3, we have an amazing son who will be 5 soon. I don’t enjoy being pregnant or the PND that I suffered first time around. I have so much fear of it happening again. My husband was desperate for another baby and I was terrified of him leaving me so here I am 20 weeks pregnant and secretly depressed. I wear a fake smile every day. I know I will love my baby and I know I am blessed when I feel those little kicks but it definitely wasn’t my choice. I just hope my husband appreciates it because he definitely pressured me.

This is so sad to hear. I hope being honest here helps, even if we’re a bunch of strangers.

I've been posting on the living with cancer thread: I was diagnosed with breast cancer six weeks ago. I've got a lovely 3 year old and was already pretty sure I didn't want another. Because I'm reasonably young the NHS offered to freeze my eggs for free before chemo started, but I said no: my body is going to be having enough challenges prior to turning 40! This has just made a 90% decision 100% in my mind, doesn't feel particularly sad, just the right thing.

Also, I'm so so glad I wasn't pregnant when diagnosed with cancer. this experience has just made me more certain that we should trust our instincts about what's right for us.

Sorry that you’re dealing with this illness, but glad that you’re at peace with your decision to be OAD. You can focus on looking after yourself and your little one x

 

[Happy35]

I have an only child, a son in his 20s, he is clever and confident and admits he has had a childhood where he was put first she got the best of everything. My son is now a dad and was happy with 1 but are now going to have 2 as my granddaughter kept asking for a sibling, I asked my son when he was 5 if he wanted a brother or sister and he said no. I had my son young and I found it tough, I am sure I also had postnatal depression but that went undiagnosed, I am happy with having an only child though and never felt like I wanted any more.

 

[Podcat]

My son is nearly 5, I worry he'll be lonely as he gets older though right now he says he likes being the only child in the house. We never intended for him to be an only child but there just seems to be so many reasons to stick where we are. We don't really have the money or space for more, I found the baby stage tough and I'm really scared of being pregnant again; nothing terrible happened last time it just seems so scary and fragile now.

And yet, I'm somewhat sad I won't get to do it again, even though I really don't want to!

 

[Rosie878]

I'm an only child and was lonely but attribute this more to the fact that my dad was in the navy - we moved around a lot- and there were no other children in my wider family. I remember finding it very difficult to relate to other kids at school and find friendship difficult to this day. I do think this would have been different if I'd had a more stable childhood rather than that I needed a sibling.

I have two and it's hard work. They aren't automatically going to be best buddies. Mine have a 5 year age gap and my youngest is very much still a baby. I love it though and I did crave a different family dynamic to my own.

Also, you get judgement/awkward questions no matter what you do. I have two boys and so many people seem to want to commiserate that I don't have a daughter. You cannot win!

 

[al255]

I am so glad I’ve found this thread. It’s just myself & my 2.5 year old.. I didn’t want kids, let alone one. However here we are and she’s the light of my life, my best friend and I couldn’t imagine a life without her. BUT. I’m 28, I’ve spent my 20s partying and travelling and I don’t have any regrets in “not getting rid” of my child when I had the chance. Me and her dad split up after a year of being together and he remains a part of her life.

I am done with one - no matter what, or who comes along. I hated the sleepless nights when she was a newborn and even though her Dad helped with them I felt like it was never ending?! Anyway. I couldn’t afford another child, I’m happy living our life we do now and we live comfortably. I love it just me and her

 

[hol20x]

I am so glad I’ve found this thread. It’s just myself & my 2.5 year old.. I didn’t want kids, let alone one. However here we are and she’s the light of my life, my best friend and I couldn’t imagine a life without her. BUT. I’m 28, I’ve spent my 20s partying and travelling and I don’t have any regrets in “not getting rid” of my child when I had the chance. Me and her dad split up after a year of being together and he remains a part of her life.

I am done with one - no matter what, or who comes along. I hated the sleepless nights when she was a newborn and even though her Dad helped with them I felt like it was never ending?! Anyway. I couldn’t afford another child, I’m happy living our life we do now and we live comfortably. I love it just me and her

Pretty much the same story with me except I always wanted multiple kids until I had one! I'm 28, my daughter is 4, her dad sees her once a week but doesn't take her overnight or anything cos she's autistic and likes her routine. I like that it's just me and her though! She's my little bestie.

 

[watermelon sugar]

can i bump up this thread please and hope it’s appropriate.

i’m coming to terms with being a one and done Mum. i say that but it depends on the day really. i’ve had a bit of a traumatic year with health problems and have been informed i probably won’t be able to have another child, so it’s been a lot to get my head around! As much as whilst i have been actively trying, and i have always dreamed about my nearly 3 year old having a brother and sister, after this news i’ve began saying things to myself like ‘would i ever be able to love anything as much as him anyway?’ or even asking myself if i’d even be able to cope with another! i don’t know if those thoughts are just a coping mechanism or what but i’m just
trying to come to terms with it really.

i have liked reading everyone’s thoughts about just having one and done too.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

can i bump up this thread please and hope it’s appropriate.

i’m coming to terms with being a one and done Mum. i say that but it depends on the day really. i’ve had a bit of a traumatic year with health problems and have been informed i probably won’t be able to have another child, so it’s been a lot to get my head around! As much as whilst i have been actively trying, and i have always dreamed about my nearly 3 year old having a brother and sister, after this news i’ve began saying things to myself like ‘would i ever be able to love anything as much as him anyway?’ or even asking myself if i’d even be able to cope with another! i don’t know if those thoughts are just a coping mechanism or what but i’m just
trying to come to terms with it really.

i have liked reading everyone’s thoughts about just having one and done too.

Hello! Anything health related can be really traumatic and I don’t think ppl talk enough about recovering just from that trauma (whether it’s fertility related or not!) let alone layering it up with the emotional tit brought about with family planning. You sound like you’re processing everything really well but definitely remember you can always talk this through with professionals who can help guide you through those thoughts, too?

Love the idea of a more active thread tho! How are other 1AD mums/dads (?) doing today??

 

[Longtimesnooper]

Love the idea of a more active thread tho! How are other 1AD mums/dads (?) doing today??

......pregnant with my second despite saying I was one and done early on in the thread