One & done motherhood / children

[heretoreaditall2019]

Just skimmed the child free thread and would be interested to hear from mothers who’ve only ever wanted one, especially if your kid is a bit older it would be great to know what they’ve thought of being an only child please?

It’s something I feel quite strongly about tbh. I do have a medical issue that’ll mean I’ll need to decide quite quickly, and if anything I may be too late to anyway, but ignoring that I just don’t think I could do having two justice. I’ve struggled during the pandemic, we don’t have family near and I’ve only just had my first few days child free as she’s settling into nursery and it’s felt revolutionary. I truly believe one works for us, but I have a good relationship with my sisters so feel bad I won’t be able to give that to my . My husband would happily re populate the planet though, so another reason to feel guilty

 

[nini-vin-floofsberg]

We have a 3 year old boy and don't plan on having any more children. I'm an only child, and so is my dad!

Growing up I never felt lonely or like I was missing out, I had a fab circle of friends ( we're still close now at age 32). We went on family holidays (Parents & I) and I was usually allowed to invite a friend which was great, but I never felt like I had to bring someone along to keep me entertained.

Before I fell pregnant I always imagined having more than 1 child, but the reality hit me like a sack of s**t and we have since firmly decided that one child is all we need.

I'd like to think I'm pretty well-rounded (not just in the stomach haha) and I have a great relationship with my parents, and I'm super comfortable in my own company.

The social pressures of having more than 1 child is just awful. I remember having my son and he couldn't even support his own head and I was being asked when I'll have another. x

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

The social pressures of having more than 1 child is just awful. I remember having my son and he couldn't even support his own head and I was being asked when I'll have another. x

Thank you for your reply, it’s so interesting to hear from adult only children to - entirely forgot to ask that in the question! The friend holiday thing is a fab idea too.

YES to the insane pressure! As a first time mum I’ve been shocked to learn first hand the absolute vacuum of support there is for mums whether it’s BF or HVs (ghosts, where are they?) or sleep or actual baby classes and activities - I feel like the wolf of wall street whenever I manage to get on a term at a class they’re like bleeping gold dust, and even that’s only an hour of your day filled!! It’s unrealistic to expect women to want multiple babies in this environment? And that’s not even getting onto work / careers…?!?!

 

[nini-vin-floofsberg]

I couldn't agree more! I went back to work when D had just turned 1, he went into private nursery 2 days per week. I've since qualified as a mortgage adviser - it's such a complex job and passing the exams was tough going with a baby at home. Dare I say, I'm SO proud of myself for doing it and having a career path... and then we have Susan from up the street asking when I'm about to give my child a baby brother because it's cruel for him to be on his own!

As long as you make the decision for yourself and your family, you've made the right choice. People will ALWAYS have something to say, both good and bad x

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

I couldn't agree more! I went back to work when D had just turned 1, he went into private nursery 2 days per week. I've since qualified as a mortgage adviser - it's such a complex job and passing the exams was tough going with a baby at home. Dare I say, I'm SO proud of myself for doing it and having a career path... and then we have Susan from up the street asking when I'm about to give my child a baby brother because it's cruel for him to be on his own!

As long as you make the decision for yourself and your family, you've made the right choice. People will ALWAYS have something to say, both good and bad x

Congrats, that’s amazing! And re: nursery that’s another dollop of judgement to deal with nursery is by far the best place for mine for her toddler years (IMO) they offer so much more than I can, and most importantly other kids, but at classes I’ve had comments on that too! Dreadful

 

[emerald]

It really is so crazy to me that people think it's OK to say this crap to women. I'm an only child myself and my childhood was lovely. I had loads of friends and we'd play out after school and holidays, loneliness was never a problem. I'm a well adjusted adult and never felt like I missed out on anything. It's insulting to think only children are somehow hard done by. It's your life too remember. If you think one child is right for you, it is.

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

It really is so crazy to me that people think it's OK to say this crap to women. I'm an only child myself and my childhood was lovely. I had loads of friends and we'd play out after school and holidays, loneliness was never a problem. I'm a well adjusted adult and never felt like I missed out on anything. It's insulting to think only children are somehow hard done by. It's your life too remember. If you think one child is right for you, it is.

You’re an angel, thank you for this! The nastiness doesn’t stop with mums they go for the only kids too there’s a lot of really horrible myths about only children too that I won’t repeat as they’re cruel and we’ve all heard them before.

You’re so right re: my life too. We all have different plates full of stuff and I know that just having one child has put me to over capacity & my default is now stressed. We’ve been paying for a full time nursery place and gently easing her into it a few hours a day and I’m already significantly calmer as it means I’ve time to not only think and breathe but get stuff done re: house & life (not even started working yet which will add more tit on the plate). Tbh have felt really guilty about this which is probably what triggered the post. But I know a lot of families have childcare options and can do date nights or weekends away, we simply don’t so we have to shape our life accordingly I suppose?

Thank you though it’s lovely to hear positive only child childhoods

 

[klarakluckbag]

I've only got one, he's 23 now and seems to be quite normal so far! We have spoken about this to him, and he doesn't feel that he "missed out" on anything by being an only child. He always says that he had a lovely childhood and he appreciates the fact that he was lucky to grow up with both of his parents, in decent accommodation (unlike some of his friends ) and with enough money to have most of the things that he wanted. We always had a houseful of other people's kids anyway, his friends were always here for playdates or sleepovers, and he has half-siblings too, so he did have company for much of the time.

I found having one baby was hard enough, we didn't have much money, I was knackered, lonely, bored and quite down for the first few months. None of my friends started breeding until a year or so later, but things did get better eventually, especially when everyone else's babies turned up! Motherhood is the hardest job in the world, I was quite relieved to go back to work for a rest, don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

I work in midwifery now and I meet lots of women who are only planning on having one baby. Women are waiting until they have their careers established, and we all know how difficult it can be to buy or rent a decent home, especially in the large cities. The thought of being tied down by pregnancy and child-rearing for years at a time, just isn't that appealing to many of us.

 

[CrystalWench]

I have one, he’s coming up 8. Always thought I’d have more and couldn’t imagine only having one but due to my own health and time flying this is where we are. I’m one of five and his dad is one of two so neither of us were only children. My son is actually much more confident than either of us ever were, he’s able to make friends wherever we go, he doesn’t seem to fall out with children either and after speaking to other parents of onlys they’ve found the same, we believe it’s because they are able to tolerate other people as they come home and carry on by themselves, they never have any competition in their homes.
He’s also friends with quite a few other only children and they all appear very much the same incredibly confident children that make friends. Financially it’s nice having to only worry about one school uniform and one lot of gifts, we’re able to do more with him and give him a much better life than if we had another, days out again etc are much easier with one to pay for, or if he wants to bring a friend a long we can accommodate them from time to time more.
As I say my own life was a lot of brothers and although we talk etc none of us are close and it was still me who single handily looked after our parents and I think I’d have had less resentment if I’d been an only in that circumstance. There’s no guarantee that even if you have siblings that you’ll always have them when adulthood hits.

 

[Nattabell]

Hi, I just have the one child & am an only child myself. Like the others have said, I’ve never had an issue with being an only child. I’ve always had loads of friends, and had lots of support & attention from my parents that I feel is the reason why I’ve managed to forge a successful life & career. I genuinely never felt I missed out on anything. I do feel a lot of pressure externally (not from family I have to say - more society in general) to have another, but I feel our family is complete with her. I think getting childcare for one child is also much easier, we have family desperate to take her for days out & sleepovers which is lovely. I’d say a big proportion of her school classmates are only children too (in my class at school I was the only one!) so I think it’s much more the ‘norm’ now anyway.

 

[Longtimesnooper]

I've got a one year old & honestly can't imagine having another now. For a long time I didn't want any but met the right guy & have a lovely baby. Once I changed my mind about having a baby, I always said I'd have two, nice for them to grow up with a sibling, have someone to play with etc. I had an easy pregnancy & labour despite baby coming early, thought this would be a sign we'd have an easy time of it but I really struggled. I was diagnosed with PND but with medication quickly came through it thankfully. Baby suffered with silent reflux & colic, was feeding every two hours during the day, only naps being held (which is how I'm managing to write this novel for you just now lol), I just don't think I can go through all that again & by no means is she a difficult baby compared to others! I don't think I'd have the patience for a newborn & a toddler & I'm used to sleeping all night again (although I still feel exhausted!)
I had a phone call with a psychic & she said I'd have another, falling pregnant after 3months of being back at work, that's this month & I've been taking my pill like clockwork .
Funny thing is I used to say I'd want 2 & my other half seemed fine with 1 but he's dropped a few hints he would like another.
Hes an only child (his mum was unable to have more) & I'm one of four. He never felt like he missed out being an only child whereas I did! We never went anywhere as we couldn't afford it or it was a hassle taking us all. Although to be honest even if there was just two of us I don't think my parents would have bothered.

 

[Kim Mild]

I'm an only child. I'm not sure if it was a conscious decision for my parents to just have one, or just the way things happened. Because of this , I grew up wanting lots of children of my own . After I had a child when I was 21, I didn't want to have another, mostly due to my birth experience. It took me about 6 years to even get an inkling that I may like another baby. I became a single mother for a few years so I wasn't in the position to have anymore , so I thought I was one and done.

It took my mother dying to make me realise I did want another child, not only because I wanted to have a baby, my oldest to have a sibling but I wanted to be elderly with adult children. I found my parents dying a very lonely thing to experience as an only child ( it didn't bother me so much being an only child growing up , although for years I hoped I would get a little brother or sister,,).
My firstborn was almost a teenager when I had my second. I now have 3 kids.

 

[Babyyoda88]

I’m currently pregnant with my first baby and it’s been a testing pregnancy (loads of sickness etc) and I’m not done with cooking this one and people are already asking me or brining up about having a second one, and not leaving it too many years between having another.
I’ve actually decided I’m quite happy with one, now this might change down the line but either way, at least let me give birth to my first baby and enjoy some time with her first.

 

[Boredofthegram]

I have a 6 year old and I’m a single parent. I always thought I wanted more than 1 but I’m happy with one. I do feel the guilt sometimes about siblings but I’m nearing 40 now and finally in a good place financially to provide for the two of us well (nursery years crippled me financially alone). He’s a happy confident child and having a second child doesn’t automatically mean they’d be close as siblings so I try to ignore societal pressure. It’s crazy how many times I’ve been asked about having a second even from friends who’ve seen me struggling alone at times.

 

[Peaches_xox]

I love this thread
I often sit on the fence on if I’d have another - but with the way life is at the mo im very content with 1 and would be okay if it stayed that way.
My son is 5, he is painfully shy and sometimes lacks the ability to lose and share and I always hear it’s because he’s an only child. I don’t think it is. I think it’s just who he is. Financially we’re okay now. The nursery years were TOUGH and I can’t imagine going back through that. My son gets most of what he wants when he wants it. My mum says I spoil him and I explain to her that because I just have the one he can have it. What he’s usually asking for is only about £10, but having 2 or 3 I’d have to be more careful. I enjoy being able to say yes instead of ‘no it’s too expensive’
Money aside having a baby was hard work and my 5 year old can still be hard work but I enjoy life as it is atm. I had mum friends who went on to have more kids and told me I had no idea how hard it is having more then 1 and formed a group without me it’s a weird thing motherhood. I may change my mind in the future but atm I’m happy with just the 1. I also hated my sister growing up. Still not a fan of her now and we’re only 3 years apart

 

[Rlaw1978]

You get judged if you have none, one or 6. You just need to do what suits your family and makes you and your partner happy
I have four and we definitely get judged by everyone from parents to supermarket workers. The amount of inappropriate comments and jokes about ‘getting the snip’ are insane. We’ve always wanted a larger family & can provide for them, so it’s really no ones place to judge. We are both really proud and happy with our family. You all should be no matter what shape that takes x

 

[usandthem]

I have an 11-year old about to start secondary school and our family has always felt complete from the moment she came along. She is a confident, kind and easy-going child that gets on with everyone and makes friends easily. I think we have a lovely balance now she’s a bit older between family commitments, work and fun experiences like trips away (when the pandemic allows us to travel again) which would have been a lot trickier with more children. I enjoy spending time with her and giving her my undivided attention. Parenthood is hard and juggling childcare and work has been tricky as it is, I cannot imaging what it would have been like with more children. There have been judgy comments along the way, but I choose to ignore them as it is no one else’s business, and as long as it it right by my family, that’s all that matters.

Having siblings does not guarantee anything- I have an older brother who I hardly see and am not close to. I grew up in his shadow as my parents think of him as the golden child and this has caused a great amount of hurt.

My husband is an only child and is a well-adjusted person who is sensitive, kind and confident. Only children often grow up surrounded by grown ups and forced to communicate on a more adult level at a younger age which helps them develop really useful skills in life imo. To me happy balanced family where there is love and respect between everyone is a far healthier foundation for a well-adjusted child than the number of siblings they have.

 

[ThePowderMonkey]

So glad to see this thread. We’re one and done and as soon as I made that decision I felt a huge sense of relief. I have found motherhood SO hard and I know that I couldn’t mentally handle another child.
I feel like we spend loads of time with other children including going on holiday with friends who have kids similar ages so my child won’t miss too much.

I do have the odd feeling of guilt because I love my siblings but there’s no guarantee they’d even be close and I don’t think a mum having another nervous breakdown is worth it.

solidarity ladies!

 

[heretoreaditall2019]

I do have the odd feeling of guilt because I love my siblings but there’s no guarantee they’d even be close and I don’t think a mum having another nervous breakdown is worth it.

I love this thread so much, this is exactly it. The way our life is really doesn’t give me much wriggle room with time / energy unless I give up work (which would be my husband’s dream come true, my nightmare lol) or sleep. I know I’d become so resentful and angry of domestic life if I put anything else on my plate and I want to be the best mum I possibly can. I’m coming to terms with going back to work with that too. God motherhood is all just full of shame and guilt isn’t it :/

 

[and nothing happens]

So interesting to hear other people’s perspectives on this! I always, always saw myself with 2 kids. But it took me a few years to fall pregnant with my little boy, and I’m now on the wrong side of 30 so the clock is ticking lol. But I don’t think I feel that yearn for another baby. I said we would give it til he was 2 and make a decision. He was 2 3 months ago and I still can’t decide lol. I just keep thinking things like, we’d probably need to move if we have another and I cba, can’t we afford it, can I do night feeds again etc? And I think all of that would just feel irrelevant if I truly did want another. I don’t know though! Still unsure at this point

Fully agree with the judgement though, when you tell people you don’t want more than one kid they look at you like you’ve got three heads