No sex life - sexless relationship - cheating?

[HankMcPrank]

We had an amazing sex life - like dreams were literally made of. We made each other so happy, I wouldn’t look at another man type of thing. He was everything and more.
I don’t know he seems very reluctant to talk, I will try again after work x

 

[BettyCrockerr]

We had an amazing sex life - like dreams were literally made of. We made each other so happy, I wouldn’t look at another man type of thing. He was everything and more.
I don’t know he seems very reluctant to talk, I will try again after work x

Can you pinpoint where it started to change? Has there been anything significant that’s happened to perhaps change things - has he gained or lost weight for example?

what’s the relationship like outside of the bedroom? Do you talk freely about everything else? Does he seem engaged and interested in the relationship in other aspects?

communication is so important, and it seems obvious that there’s something going on to have changed him so radically. I think you need to just put the cards on the table; just tell him straight that you aren’t happy, and that he needs to either talk to you and tell you what’s going on or it’s over. You can’t carry on like this, and if he’s not willing to discuss it with you at all then what’s the point?

 

[JoeBloggs]

We had an amazing sex life - like dreams were literally made of. We made each other so happy, I wouldn’t look at another man type of thing. He was everything and more.
I don’t know he seems very reluctant to talk, I will try again after work x

I agree with Bettys comments above. My husband and I had an amazing sex life but as his depression (and my weight) increased it got few and far between. It’s taken a long time but we’ve got to a reasonably happy medium. My husband isn’t sex driven persay and he has to be in the right head space and mood.

It’s made me feel awful in the past but my husband assures me its all about him.

There are so many things that can effect sec drive and desire. Mood, confidence, stress, medication etc. Generally cheaters are meant to want more sex as the more sex you have the more you want but I don’t know how true that is.

I think your only option is to talk, explain that you are not happy in the relationship, perhaps take the focus off sex specifically and more on affection. He may be really embarrassed, could it be an erectile issue?

 

[roseturntupnose]

Sending you love. That must be a confusing and horrible place to be in.

I agree with the above comments, analyse the rest of your relationship, is it just this part that is lacking? It might help you to make a decision if you think of the pros and cons.

I'd like to add that all relationships go through phases though, as soon as I put on weight, I dont want sex at all, if I'm stressed, sad, PMS ing, I want to wrap myself in barbed wire and beat husband off with a stick.
He has gone through a couple of phases of depression and anxiety and has taken medication for them. He says he has a non existent sex drive during these times, not sure if it's the feelings or the medication. But both of you might go through things that kill your sex drive for a while, the important thing is that you work it out and find a compromise or solution.

Either way, like others have said, it needs a serious conversation. People go through all sorts, and your partner is supposed to be the one you go to for help. There might be something really troubling him, he might need your support, he might take a while to open up, but If hes not willing to have an honest conversation, maybe you deserve better.

huge love to you

 

[rlouisep9]

How long have you been together?

I went through something similar with a guy I was seeing at uni, he would act keen but would completely avoid sex and would find any excuse not to have it (even when showing up at mine after a night out which is pretty unheard of for a guy at uni!). He wouldn't really speak about it either and just brushed it off, but as we never got to the official dating stage I never really got any answers. I did eventually find out that he had met someone and there was some cross over between us talking/hanging out and him seeing her, but he had plenty of opportunities before then and didn't do anything so I really don't know if it was related or not.

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and our sex drives have fluctuated over the years, mine was higher when we first met but now we live together, have responsibilities etc mine is lower. It's generally pretty balanced to suit us both but if we've had any concerns we have talked about it.

If he isn't willing to communicate about it at all, I'd take that as a red flag. If I were you, I'd just lay it out saying he can either communicate with you and have an actual adult conversation about how you are going to move forwards or it's clearly not going to work. Sending love x

 

[Bleurghgram]

I don’t really have any advice about why this may be happening but I wanted to comment about how I communicate with my boyfriend, I have a similar low-sex situation and entirely understand what you said about it making you feel worthless. There are nights that I cry myself to sleep and it’s just awful Sending so much love to you.

My boyfriend is quite closed and doesn’t find it easy to talk about his feelings or the root issue, and I’ve had to learn how to communicate with him around that. I get the best results from talking to him in a different setting, ie don’t do it when you’re in bed and frustrated that it’s not happening. I’m able to have a more constructive conversation and explain how I’m feeling if we’re out for a walk or cooking dinner - and I’m less likely to cry and whinge and blame him for something that is (in our case) ultimately out of his control. I work hard to be empathetic towards him and balance the conversation so it’s not all about me. If he feels attacked it almost always leads to either him shutting down or to an argument.

I really hope he opens up to you so you can work on things together but please don’t be afraid to walk away if he won’t

 

[Shinythings]

Honestly? And this goes for everyone in that situation, not just you.

If it continues to go on for months....

You need to be firm. He knows by acting that way you'll drop it. You need to be firm and clear and say that sex is important to you in a relationship and if there is going to be no sex then there can be no relationship. Be open to working on things if there are physical or emotional reasons why he can't but be clear that if he chooses to keep ignoring it and not share with you like a partner should then you will need to give it serious consideration as to whether the relationship can continue.

I was in a pretty sexless relationship before (it wasnt at first) and let me tell you, it kills your self esteem. He would come up with the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard in my life. Whenever I bought the issue up it was never addressed just another excuse or that he'd work on it.

I'm very much of the opinion that if a partner refuses to address it or work on it then you lead to leave because I guarantee you it will not change and then you'll be 5 years down the line still banging your head against a brick wall rather than the headboard.

 

[Platformcrocs]

I think the other comments have given plenty of good advice. I just wanted to add that his lack of communication will continue to be an issue throughout the relationship and the only one who can fix it, is him. It is not normal to shut down all communication with your partner. It's normal to not want sex at times and it's also normal to feel a bit upset, defensive, or even embarrassed to talk about it, but he should be willing to say "ok, I understand this is an issue and we should talk about it and figure out how we can make it better".

We can do so much better than waste time on men who are unable to communicate. It's not up to you to fix it. I hate saying "just end it" because it sounds dismissive and it isn't meant to, but I've wasted years on men (and seen many friends do the same too) who just aren't up to standard.

 

[Kim Mild]

Is there a possibility he has health issues ? Either erectile or sexual related, genuine head aches or mental health

 

[Gullri]

Anti depressant can really make the sexdrive totally disappear. I have experienced this. And give erectile problems. There is a lot of info on the internet.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

How are things now @HankMcPrank ?? Any updates?

 

[MissGlitzyRitzy]

I had counselling for a partner neglecting me even purposefully and lacking in affection and communication.
He ends up having a personality disorder.
Eventually discovered it was all about him and him doing anything for me he had to benegit from. He consquently got diagnosed as high scale ASP and NPD. Narcisstic personality is a disorder too. Look at the signs and maybe guide them to help.

Its a very strange situation for me to comprehend someone I loved so much drealises how theyre upsetting me and dont care to take action to tackle the issues. It was all talk. Ok, I will etc....
Action is the key here for them to want to change not words.

Im not saying my answer fits you all but be mindful the problem can be deep and not just cheating or not bothering.
Big hugs to anyone going through this it is so hurtful.
I felt like I wasnt there and overtime it erodes your sense of worth and self. Esp if the other half doesnt talk or understand.

 

[HankMcPrank]

How are things now @HankMcPrank ?? Any updates?

Hiya, we are good. We talk about it occasionally. And are planning a “honeymoon period” when lockdown is completely ended and we are able to stay over again. I don’t read the news but I don’t wish to get into any trouble.

we are slowly but surely improving x

 

[Meh]

This is a rubbish situation all round.

If you have went from amazing sex to your hubby being quite uptight and upset about discussing the lack of sex, there may be something deeper here.

Has he/you had money worries? job stresses? Depression etc. All of that does play havoc, even if the person says they are fine. It’s difficult but try not to get focused on “is it me?” Because it’s 99.9% definitely not going to be about his attraction to you but something going on in his head he doesn’t feel he can discuss.

Perhaps take the pressure and expectation of full sex away by spending a wee bit more time together, chatting, date night (when things open up) being intimate with each other without the “this is leading to sex” pressure. Good luck!

 

[ASAnigel]

I have been having problems having sex in my relationship. I just never feel like it to the point I’m worried I’m not attracted to my partner anymore. I want to have sex but whenever we try I get bored and stop wanting it.
We have a house together and we’ve talked about getting married and having children.

Sorry, I’ve only just found this thread but omg we sound like the same person!
This is exactly how I feel!

To the OP, I can only offer views from the person that’s not interested in sex - I’ve struggled to talk about it with my partner because I don’t have any reason for it and I don’t want to say anything that might make it worse or make him feel bad?
That being said I do try to talk about it and I see from your update that things are slowly improving and you’re working through it.
I do believe that mine stems from lockdown/money/job worries and just general life getting on top of me a bit and not feeling myself.
I can completely understand how this would affect you tho and how you feel but all I can say is that I’m sure it’s not you and I’m also sure there’s no cheating etc. Cheaters tend to overcompensate with their partners from my experience.
Good luck I hope it works out for you and gets easier with restrictions being eased