No sex life - sexless relationship - cheating?

[Kandy floss]

I haven’t experienced this in terms of a partner not being interested but I’ve experienced it in terms of me not being interested.

I know it made my partner feel awful but my sex drive was just honestly non-existent. We’re young but were sleeping together once every 2 months at most. Do you think he may be suffering from a low sex drive for some reason?

Mine was because of the pill as I recently came off it and we started sleeping together weekly which was something we hadn’t done since the first year we’d been together.

I hope you sort it soon, I can’t imagine it’s nice to feel unwanted by your partner. Sending hugs x

 

[Raininvain]

I have tried to speak to him, but he complains of headaches. And then changes the subject, I don’t want togive up on the relationship but there doesn’t seem to be any other way. If I don’t. Message or call, he doesn’t. It’s effort my end. I may give him some space I think x

He doesnt sound very interested at all then does he?
If you're not living with him or married I'd just finished it TBH.Why waste your time on someone that cant even be arsed contacting you. What if you want kids? Dont waste your life.

 

[Notredamn]

Bin him

 

[Shinythings]

Honestly? And this goes for everyone in that situation, not just you.

If it continues to go on for months....

You need to be firm. He knows by acting that way you'll drop it. You need to be firm and clear and say that sex is important to you in a relationship and if there is going to be no sex then there can be no relationship. Be open to working on things if there are physical or emotional reasons why he can't but be clear that if he chooses to keep ignoring it and not share with you like a partner should then you will need to give it serious consideration as to whether the relationship can continue.

I was in a pretty sexless relationship before (it wasnt at first) and let me tell you, it kills your self esteem. He would come up with the most ridiculous excuses I've ever heard in my life. Whenever I bought the issue up it was never addressed just another excuse or that he'd work on it.

I'm very much of the opinion that if a partner refuses to address it or work on it then you lead to leave because I guarantee you it will not change and then you'll be 5 years down the line still banging your head against a brick wall rather than the headboard.

 

[BettyCrockerr]

We had an amazing sex life - like dreams were literally made of. We made each other so happy, I wouldn’t look at another man type of thing. He was everything and more.
I don’t know he seems very reluctant to talk, I will try again after work x

Can you pinpoint where it started to change? Has there been anything significant that’s happened to perhaps change things - has he gained or lost weight for example?

what’s the relationship like outside of the bedroom? Do you talk freely about everything else? Does he seem engaged and interested in the relationship in other aspects?

communication is so important, and it seems obvious that there’s something going on to have changed him so radically. I think you need to just put the cards on the table; just tell him straight that you aren’t happy, and that he needs to either talk to you and tell you what’s going on or it’s over. You can’t carry on like this, and if he’s not willing to discuss it with you at all then what’s the point?

 

[HankMcPrank]

Hi,

I thought I’d post on here as it’s been happening for days. Long story cut short. The person i am with just isn’t interested in sex, if I talk about it, he changes the subject or gets het-up that I’ve mentioned it. I’ve discussed about contraception as he definitely doesn’t want any unplanned pregnancies, but he is just not interested..it’s getting to the point I am getting so down, as I’m starting to think it’s me. He is very sarcastic & witty but this isn’t jokey i don’t think, I think it’s genuine & i am at a loss as to why he is so

I did suspect cheating but he said he wouldn’t do that to me. Other than that he fantasises about a celebrity but I can’t be doing with it. It’s mind-games.

Is there anything you can advise me on if your partners have suffered the same? I’m pretty much in tears every night thinking I’m worthless.

 

[grumpycat]

I have tried to speak to him, but he complains of headaches. And then changes the subject, I don’t want togive up on the relationship but there doesn’t seem to be any other way. If I don’t. Message or call, he doesn’t. It’s effort my end. I may give him some space I think x

i think take some time and also know that you deserve better than to be the one chasing him. Relationship’s are two way streets and it’s not fair for you to be taking the brunt and be emotionally effected by it. Sending love x

 

[User name taken]

Sorry, I'm not very good at giving advice but I would say this situation sounds like hard work and a bit of a balls ache (No pun intended) if you are the only one putting effort into a partnership with no effort from the person I would throw in the towel, call it a day and walk away with your head held high.

 

[whatasadlittlelife]

this is really sad and upsetting and I’m sorry it’s making you feel so shit.
First things first a relationship is about compromise but also about clear communication. You need to properly sit him down and have an adult discussion - what’s going on? Why is he disinterested? Has this changed recently or always been the way?

for me sex is a really important part of a relationship, my partner isn’t so sexually driven but we’ve found a flow that makes it work. What I would say is don’t presume the worst (ie cheating) a low sex drive can come from lots of things - stress, depression etc. It might be something else he is suffering with.

 

[Slip slip knit]

I have tried to speak to him, but he complains of headaches. And then changes the subject, I don’t want togive up on the relationship but there doesn’t seem to be any other way. If I don’t. Message or call, he doesn’t. It’s effort my end. I may give him some space I think x

I think if he was putting the effort in in other ways like still being affectionate and attentive, calling and txing you it could just be a low sex drive or perhaps something else that’s bugging him like work troubles but it doesn’t sound like he’s putting in as much to the relationship as you are and you don’t deserve more than that x

I’m sorry you feel this way. I second what the poster above has said, I haven’t had it this way round either but have been in the position where I’m just not interested. Unfortunately we never worked through it and I still don’t know why I feel like this, I could honestly never do it again and be happy as larry. I don’t think it necessarily means he is cheating or thinking of anyone else, there may be lots of other reasons. Why don’t you try and have a sit down serious conversation about how it’s affecting you?

Oh gosh I’m like this, I could go months without it and be absolutely fine! I feel like I’m the only one like it though!

 

[Alexaj]

I don't think he's cheating, they say cheating men usually have more sex with the partner being cheated on- not less.

 

[rlouisep9]

How long have you been together?

I went through something similar with a guy I was seeing at uni, he would act keen but would completely avoid sex and would find any excuse not to have it (even when showing up at mine after a night out which is pretty unheard of for a guy at uni!). He wouldn't really speak about it either and just brushed it off, but as we never got to the official dating stage I never really got any answers. I did eventually find out that he had met someone and there was some cross over between us talking/hanging out and him seeing her, but he had plenty of opportunities before then and didn't do anything so I really don't know if it was related or not.

I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and our sex drives have fluctuated over the years, mine was higher when we first met but now we live together, have responsibilities etc mine is lower. It's generally pretty balanced to suit us both but if we've had any concerns we have talked about it.

If he isn't willing to communicate about it at all, I'd take that as a red flag. If I were you, I'd just lay it out saying he can either communicate with you and have an actual adult conversation about how you are going to move forwards or it's clearly not going to work. Sending love x

 

[AutumnSpring]

I’m sorry you feel this way. I second what the poster above has said, I haven’t had it this way round either but have been in the position where I’m just not interested. Unfortunately we never worked through it and I still don’t know why I feel like this, I could honestly never do it again and be happy as larry. I don’t think it necessarily means he is cheating or thinking of anyone else, there may be lots of other reasons. Why don’t you try and have a sit down serious conversation about how it’s affecting you?

 

[HankMcPrank]

How are things now @HankMcPrank ?? Any updates?

Hiya, we are good. We talk about it occasionally. And are planning a “honeymoon period” when lockdown is completely ended and we are able to stay over again. I don’t read the news but I don’t wish to get into any trouble.

we are slowly but surely improving x

 

[Bleurghgram]

I don’t really have any advice about why this may be happening but I wanted to comment about how I communicate with my boyfriend, I have a similar low-sex situation and entirely understand what you said about it making you feel worthless. There are nights that I cry myself to sleep and it’s just awful Sending so much love to you.

My boyfriend is quite closed and doesn’t find it easy to talk about his feelings or the root issue, and I’ve had to learn how to communicate with him around that. I get the best results from talking to him in a different setting, ie don’t do it when you’re in bed and frustrated that it’s not happening. I’m able to have a more constructive conversation and explain how I’m feeling if we’re out for a walk or cooking dinner - and I’m less likely to cry and whinge and blame him for something that is (in our case) ultimately out of his control. I work hard to be empathetic towards him and balance the conversation so it’s not all about me. If he feels attacked it almost always leads to either him shutting down or to an argument.

I really hope he opens up to you so you can work on things together but please don’t be afraid to walk away if he won’t

 

[HankMcPrank]

He doesnt sound very interested at all then does he?
If you're not living with him or married I'd just finished it TBH.Why waste your time on someone that cant even be arsed contacting you. What if you want kids? Dont waste your life.

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very good point, thank you x

 

[Platformcrocs]

I think the other comments have given plenty of good advice. I just wanted to add that his lack of communication will continue to be an issue throughout the relationship and the only one who can fix it, is him. It is not normal to shut down all communication with your partner. It's normal to not want sex at times and it's also normal to feel a bit upset, defensive, or even embarrassed to talk about it, but he should be willing to say "ok, I understand this is an issue and we should talk about it and figure out how we can make it better".

We can do so much better than waste time on men who are unable to communicate. It's not up to you to fix it. I hate saying "just end it" because it sounds dismissive and it isn't meant to, but I've wasted years on men (and seen many friends do the same too) who just aren't up to standard.

 

[HankMcPrank]

Oh you poor thing. A big virtual hug.

First of all, you are not worthless. Not in the slightest. You are a strong, caring woman at the very least.

Have you tried speaking to him, or is it just a no go at all? I wonder if there is something going on that he is embarrassed about perhaps or maybe stuff going on he hasn’t addressed. I’ve been the same whilst on the pill and my husband was just like what’s going on?! And as much as I hated addressing it I realised his POV was much different to how I saw it (which was not arsed)

Edited to say - can you text or email if he won’t talk face to face?
But I think honesty is the best policy here - does he know how much it upsets you? easier said than done but I think it’s something that needs to be addressed and I would reiterate how much it’s hurting you on an emotional level rather than anything else. It’s unfair for you to feel this way

I have tried to speak to him, but he complains of headaches. And then changes the subject, I don’t want togive up on the relationship but there doesn’t seem to be any other way. If I don’t. Message or call, he doesn’t. It’s effort my end. I may give him some space I think x

 

[Amyb97]

I have been having problems having sex in my relationship. I just never feel like it to the point I’m worried I’m not attracted to my partner anymore. I want to have sex but whenever we try I get bored and stop wanting it.
We have a house together and we’ve talked about getting married and having children.

 

[JoeBloggs]

We had an amazing sex life - like dreams were literally made of. We made each other so happy, I wouldn’t look at another man type of thing. He was everything and more.
I don’t know he seems very reluctant to talk, I will try again after work x

I agree with Bettys comments above. My husband and I had an amazing sex life but as his depression (and my weight) increased it got few and far between. It’s taken a long time but we’ve got to a reasonably happy medium. My husband isn’t sex driven persay and he has to be in the right head space and mood.

It’s made me feel awful in the past but my husband assures me its all about him.

There are so many things that can effect sec drive and desire. Mood, confidence, stress, medication etc. Generally cheaters are meant to want more sex as the more sex you have the more you want but I don’t know how true that is.

I think your only option is to talk, explain that you are not happy in the relationship, perhaps take the focus off sex specifically and more on affection. He may be really embarrassed, could it be an erectile issue?