No sex life - sexless relationship - cheating?

[HankMcPrank]

Hi,

I thought I’d post on here as it’s been happening for days. Long story cut short. The person i am with just isn’t interested in sex, if I talk about it, he changes the subject or gets het-up that I’ve mentioned it. I’ve discussed about contraception as he definitely doesn’t want any unplanned pregnancies, but he is just not interested..it’s getting to the point I am getting so down, as I’m starting to think it’s me. He is very sarcastic & witty but this isn’t jokey i don’t think, I think it’s genuine & i am at a loss as to why he is so

I did suspect cheating but he said he wouldn’t do that to me. Other than that he fantasises about a celebrity but I can’t be doing with it. It’s mind-games.

Is there anything you can advise me on if your partners have suffered the same? I’m pretty much in tears every night thinking I’m worthless.

 

[Kandy floss]

I haven’t experienced this in terms of a partner not being interested but I’ve experienced it in terms of me not being interested.

I know it made my partner feel awful but my sex drive was just honestly non-existent. We’re young but were sleeping together once every 2 months at most. Do you think he may be suffering from a low sex drive for some reason?

Mine was because of the pill as I recently came off it and we started sleeping together weekly which was something we hadn’t done since the first year we’d been together.

I hope you sort it soon, I can’t imagine it’s nice to feel unwanted by your partner. Sending hugs x

 

[HankMcPrank]

I haven’t experienced this in terms of a partner not being interested but I’ve experienced it in terms of me not being interested.

I know it made my partner feel awful but my sex drive was just honestly non-existent. We’re young but were sleeping together once every 2 months at most. Do you think he may be suffering from a low sex drive for some reason?

Mine was because of the pill as I recently came off it and we started sleeping together weekly which was something we hadn’t done since the first year we’d been together.

I hope you sort it soon, I can’t imagine it’s nice to feel unwanted by your partner. Sending hugs x

Thanks, I can’t even ask those types of questions he will get angry and defensive very quickly.

I am not covered but I’d go on the injection or patch to give him peace of mind nothing will happen x

 

[grumpycat]

Oh you poor thing. A big virtual hug.

First of all, you are not worthless. Not in the slightest. You are a strong, caring woman at the very least.

Have you tried speaking to him, or is it just a no go at all? I wonder if there is something going on that he is embarrassed about perhaps or maybe stuff going on he hasn’t addressed. I’ve been the same whilst on the pill and my husband was just like what’s going on?! And as much as I hated addressing it I realised his POV was much different to how I saw it (which was not arsed)

Edited to say - can you text or email if he won’t talk face to face?
But I think honesty is the best policy here - does he know how much it upsets you? easier said than done but I think it’s something that needs to be addressed and I would reiterate how much it’s hurting you on an emotional level rather than anything else. It’s unfair for you to feel this way

 

[whatasadlittlelife]

this is really sad and upsetting and I’m sorry it’s making you feel so tit.
First things first a relationship is about compromise but also about clear communication. You need to properly sit him down and have an adult discussion - what’s going on? Why is he disinterested? Has this changed recently or always been the way?

for me sex is a really important part of a relationship, my partner isn’t so sexually driven but we’ve found a flow that makes it work. What I would say is don’t presume the worst (ie cheating) a low sex drive can come from lots of things - stress, depression etc. It might be something else he is suffering with.

 

[AutumnSpring]

I’m sorry you feel this way. I second what the poster above has said, I haven’t had it this way round either but have been in the position where I’m just not interested. Unfortunately we never worked through it and I still don’t know why I feel like this, I could honestly never do it again and be happy as larry. I don’t think it necessarily means he is cheating or thinking of anyone else, there may be lots of other reasons. Why don’t you try and have a sit down serious conversation about how it’s affecting you?

 

[HankMcPrank]

Oh you poor thing. A big virtual hug.

First of all, you are not worthless. Not in the slightest. You are a strong, caring woman at the very least.

Have you tried speaking to him, or is it just a no go at all? I wonder if there is something going on that he is embarrassed about perhaps or maybe stuff going on he hasn’t addressed. I’ve been the same whilst on the pill and my husband was just like what’s going on?! And as much as I hated addressing it I realised his POV was much different to how I saw it (which was not arsed)

Edited to say - can you text or email if he won’t talk face to face?
But I think honesty is the best policy here - does he know how much it upsets you? easier said than done but I think it’s something that needs to be addressed and I would reiterate how much it’s hurting you on an emotional level rather than anything else. It’s unfair for you to feel this way

I have tried to speak to him, but he complains of headaches. And then changes the subject, I don’t want togive up on the relationship but there doesn’t seem to be any other way. If I don’t. Message or call, he doesn’t. It’s effort my end. I may give him some space I think x

 

[Raininvain]

I have tried to speak to him, but he complains of headaches. And then changes the subject, I don’t want togive up on the relationship but there doesn’t seem to be any other way. If I don’t. Message or call, he doesn’t. It’s effort my end. I may give him some space I think x

He doesnt sound very interested at all then does he?
If you're not living with him or married I'd just finished it TBH.Why waste your time on someone that cant even be arsed contacting you. What if you want kids? Dont waste your life.

 

[HankMcPrank]

He doesnt sound very interested at all then does he?
If you're not living with him or married I'd just finished it TBH.Why waste your time on someone that cant even be arsed contacting you. What if you want kids? Dont waste your life.

[

very good point, thank you x

 

[grumpycat]

I have tried to speak to him, but he complains of headaches. And then changes the subject, I don’t want togive up on the relationship but there doesn’t seem to be any other way. If I don’t. Message or call, he doesn’t. It’s effort my end. I may give him some space I think x

i think take some time and also know that you deserve better than to be the one chasing him. Relationship’s are two way streets and it’s not fair for you to be taking the brunt and be emotionally effected by it. Sending love x

 

[Slip slip knit]

I have tried to speak to him, but he complains of headaches. And then changes the subject, I don’t want togive up on the relationship but there doesn’t seem to be any other way. If I don’t. Message or call, he doesn’t. It’s effort my end. I may give him some space I think x

I think if he was putting the effort in in other ways like still being affectionate and attentive, calling and txing you it could just be a low sex drive or perhaps something else that’s bugging him like work troubles but it doesn’t sound like he’s putting in as much to the relationship as you are and you don’t deserve more than that x

I’m sorry you feel this way. I second what the poster above has said, I haven’t had it this way round either but have been in the position where I’m just not interested. Unfortunately we never worked through it and I still don’t know why I feel like this, I could honestly never do it again and be happy as larry. I don’t think it necessarily means he is cheating or thinking of anyone else, there may be lots of other reasons. Why don’t you try and have a sit down serious conversation about how it’s affecting you?

Oh gosh I’m like this, I could go months without it and be absolutely fine! I feel like I’m the only one like it though!

 

[MaryX82]

How long have you been in the relationship?If it’s taking its toll on you perhaps it’s best to get out before anymore time is wasted.If it’s a long term thing try talking it out with him.Could it be he’s burnt out from work or the pandemic?How was things before when they were good?

 

[Notredamn]

Bin him

 

[Alexaj]

I don't think he's cheating, they say cheating men usually have more sex with the partner being cheated on- not less.

 

[Gembo]

I think there are a few things to consider. How long have you been together? Did you previously have a sex life you were happy with with him? How are the other areas of your relationship? Are you still affectionate and tactile or is that missing too? Is he a loving and supportive partner in other ways? I’ve been on both sides of this and from experience I can say that communication is the most important thing. If he’s refusing to do that then it isn’t bad if you feel like it’s not a relationship you want to be in anymore? But if this is quite new it could be the effects of the pandemic/lockdown or other stresses and if you love him and all other areas are ok try and stick with it and keep gently nudging him to talk.

All those questions aren’t meant for you to answer here unless you want to, just things to think over in your own head.

 

[Pagger]

This may possibly be a little extreme but could his reluctance to even talk about it be caused by a bad past experience? I mean abused as a child for example. I only say this as my auntie suffered from child sexual abuse as a young girl and has never had a relationship because of how it affected her (and she is in her 50s now)

 

[Amyb97]

I have been having problems having sex in my relationship. I just never feel like it to the point I’m worried I’m not attracted to my partner anymore. I want to have sex but whenever we try I get bored and stop wanting it.
We have a house together and we’ve talked about getting married and having children.

 

[Kdog65]

I’m sorry you’re in this position. It could be down to a whole host of things- anxiety, depression, poor self esteem, negative past experiences etc. But the only way you can find out is if he will tell you. If he knows how upset it makes you and he is still not willing to even discuss it, then I’d say that’s a major red flag. You deserve someone who is in it the same way you’re in it. Don’t settle. Make yourself happy. Good luck x

 

[User name taken]

Sorry, I'm not very good at giving advice but I would say this situation sounds like hard work and a bit of a balls ache (No pun intended) if you are the only one putting effort into a partnership with no effort from the person I would throw in the towel, call it a day and walk away with your head held high.

 

[Morequeries]

I don't think your the only one out there, i am in a simular position having sex with my partner is like extracting blood from a stone and zero affection if it wasn't for me making an effort there would be no affection what so ever