I did the same, but I still went through a cycle of feeling bloody terrible after any contact we did have, wracked with guilt and feeling frustrated and angry at the same time. Not fun.I had the Grey Rock approach recommended to me. If you google it there is lots about it. I also reduced my contact with my mother to the absolute minimum.
My dad is similar, I tried everything including : the grey rock method, only spending short periods with him, changing the subject etc. It ended up with me just exploding one day when he made a relatively small comment (for him). Ive been non contact since then.How did you train yourself not to react to what your toxic parent say? I'm visiting my parents (my mum asked and I felt too guilty to say no). At this point, I'm pretty good at ignoring my dad and not reacting to his comments. Except when he starts talking about current events. My work is all about current events, we see the horrifying aftermath in details everyday, we analyze everything and work on what is gonna happen (terrible stuff). It's like he enjoys other people pain, he says cruel things until I can't hold it anymore. It's stupid because I know he doesn't care, he only does it for fun.
The aftermath is terrible because my hands shake so bad, I can't do anything for 30mn, and I want to burst into tears like a child. I can't stop thinking about what he used to do when we dared stand up to him or disagree as kids. I hate how small he makes me feel when I'm in my 20s ffs.
Can you train yourself to be aloof? Or do you have any tips? Any book recommendations?
Same. I think you get to the point when you realise no contact is the only option to protect your own mental health. Certainly was the way for me but after about ten bloody years of grey rocking!My dad is similar, I tried everything including : the grey rock method, only spending short periods with him, changing the subject etc. It ended up with me just exploding one day when he made a relatively small comment (for him). Ive been non contact since then.
I can't offer much by the way of advice other than to say I've been there. My mother died of cancer 4 weeks ago. I'd not seen her for 5 years. My brother 15. I did go and see her just before she died. It was probably my worst moment. My anxiety was off the scale.I can say that shewas exactly the same in death as in life. You have to do what you feel is right not what other people judge as being right. Noone can judge you,they haven't lived through what you have. They don't know.I need some advice. My aforementioned mother has cancer (recent diagnosis). She has been given up to 6 months to live. She still has the same character and sharp comments. I was only seeing her every 2 weeks, not it’s hospital appointments etc.
How can I cope with contact with her? I need recovery time after every visit. Someone on here advised not giving myself regrets for after she dies, but every time I see her it costs me emotionally. I love her because she is my mother, but I don’t like her as a person. Help
Thank you. I’m sorry you had that experience.I can't offer much by the way of advice other than to say I've been there. My mother died of cancer 4 weeks ago. I'd not seen her for 5 years. My brother 15. I did go and see her just before she died. It was probably my worst moment. My anxiety was off the scale.I can say that shewas exactly the same in death as in life. You have to do what you feel is right not what other people judge as being right. Noone can judge you,they haven't lived through what you have. They don't know.
Much love x
part of recovering from narcissistic abuse is learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings of guilt, and identifying when they are inappropriateI can't offer much by the way of advice other than to say I've been there. My mother died of cancer 4 weeks ago. I'd not seen her for 5 years. My brother 15. I did go and see her just before she died. It was probably my worst moment. My anxiety was off the scale.I can say that shewas exactly the same in death as in life. You have to do what you feel is right not what other people judge as being right. Noone can judge you,they haven't lived through what you have. They don't know.
Much love x
Thank you that's helpful. I've just got to execute it now.part of recovering from narcissistic abuse is learning to sit with uncomfortable feelings of guilt, and identifying when they are inappropriate
for anyone generally dreading seeing a narc parent… do you really deserve to feel guilt or shame? Who deserves to have their feelings prioritised, the victim of abuse or the perpetrators?
we spend our childhoods+ being told to put them before us at every turn so it feels uncomfortable and unnatural and ridden with shame.
sitting with uncomfortable feelings, and letting them pass/letting them go, is healing
Took me til mid-20s to stop cowering whenever anyone raised their hand in my vicinity, as a result of a my dads violence toward me when i was a kid. That's not normal.@SpindleWhorl Damn, we have very similar parents/upbringing. You have all my sympathy, it sucks
The 'not teaching life skills' is horrible: I'm still learning 'how to adult' and do complete normal stuff for the first time in my mid-20s
I saw an Instagram vid posted where basically someone broke a glass and then realised that they were healing because their first concern was making sure their hand was OK.Took me til mid-20s to stop cowering whenever anyone raised their hand in my vicinity, as a result of a my dads violence toward me when i was a kid. That's not normal.
It's difficult because it's the only childhood you know. You don't really know what's normal or not because you don't live any other peoples childhoods. You read stories in the paper about kids being murdered or starved so you think you shouldn't complain about your own childhood. All i know is cowering when someone in your vicinity raises their hand to point at something isn't normal, especially when they give you a really weird look for doing so. I remember making mistakes at work in my early 20s and the manager looking at me with concern and reassuring me that it doesn't matterI saw an Instagram vid posted where basically someone broke a glass and then realised that they were healing because their first concern was making sure their hand was OK.
A lot of people in the comments didn’t get it… didn’t get that an accident or breakage or spillage of any kind meant absolute *hell* and so you’d be too terrified and jump into “appease mode” instead of checking you were actually, physically ok.
I don’t think it’s uncommon at all and it makes me feel a lot less lonely to see this type of stuff on social media and discussed in forums like this.
When did you guys start realising this wasn’t normal?
I think for me it was when I was at my grandparents house and I accidentally broke a toy and the filling went absolutely everyone. It literally was like it just exploded in my hand.
I remember just freezing and waiting for the hellfire to rain down on me, but instead my grandparents got the hoover out and laughed it off. They even joked about my expression, and how scared I looked. It didn’t clock for them why they was. To this day, I still remember that feeling of pure relief and joy, that I wasn’t being shouted at.
I think it was my first “aha” moment… like… “yeah? This isn’t that big a deal? It took 10 minutes to Hoover up? Why does my dad always start WW3 for trivial stuff like this?”
My lovely nan didn’t even make me hoover it, bless her. She did it for me and made me a cup of tea. My dad would’ve blown up, told me it was all my fault, made me hoover the entire house and then go straight to bed, with me probably crying and feeling horrendous about myself.
I think the fact I stayed with my grandparents for prolonged periods of time saved me, because it made me slowly realise that the way my parents were, wasn’t normal. It gave me that insight into what an empathetic, kind, patient and caring relationship with a caregiver could look like.
Yeh. Like if you aren’t on the brink of starvation then you’ve no right to complain. It’s a fucked up mindset, and why it’s so important to just remove ourselves from their influence. A break can literally be lifesaving. It’s like breathing in toxic fumes and then you leave the room, go outside and slowly breathing becomes easier.It's difficult because it's the only childhood you know. You don't really know what's normal or not because you don't live any other peoples childhoods. You read stories in the paper about kids being murdered or starved so you think you shouldn't complain about your own childhood. All i know is cowering when someone in your vicinity raises their hand to point at something isn't normal, especially when they give you a really weird look for doing so. I remember making mistakes at work in my early 20s and the manager looking at me with concern and reassuring me that it doesn't matter
I was scared to introduce my fiancé to my parents for this exact reason. They can both be so charming in their own ways, he really struggled to comprehend it especially since his parents are nothing like that, and since I hadn’t really gone into a lot of the detail. I’m terrified of introducing my mum to my friends for the same reason.She does such a good job that no one else knows what she is like to me apart from her brother. I get gaslighted by her all the time and i just don't know what to do.
2019, in grade school, I met some of my closest friends who really showed me that life wasn't supposed to be like that. Who knew you weren't supposed to be a ball of terrified anxiety 24/7... At first they kind of laughed it off, then they must have realised that my upbringing was very different from theirs and tried to gently made me realise that it wasn't normal or okay. They made me feel safe for the first time in my life (I've never felt safe with boyfriends or friends before them, how sad is that). I'll forever be grateful to them.When did you guys start realising this wasn’t normal?
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