Narcissistic and toxic parents #2

@alwaysdreaming hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

Maid22 said:

@alwaysdreaming hope you have a lovely day tomorrow

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Thank you soo much ! That’s very sweet. I wish you a wonderful day everyday.

Maid22 said:

@Nadia Vulvokov you open that wine lovely, am sorry to hear what you're all going through cos of tomorrow, so glad Ive had no contact for years, I was always the one trying to do something nice for her, picking a nice pressie etc, now when I look back, I wonder why I bothered, as she only believes the crap which comes out of her golden child's mouth who is a nasty vindictive liar, but he could never do wrong in her eyes, am so much better off without them

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Sounds exactly like my mother and golden child. I feel I'm better off without them too, even though it took me a while to come to terms with it all. I'm glad you're doing well.
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rainbowlemon said:

I've seemed to fallen out with my mother again since Thursday. Cried about it yesterday.

My father called me today and she was in the background and I said to him I didn't want to talk to her as he passed the phone to her.

I was called a bitch. Told to get lost. Called illegitimate.

All of this started because I told her that she "needed to take care of her own health from now on". She was originally angry at my younger sister who is 22 because she wasn't faffing about after her making her tea or giving her breakfast. My sister's has been working12 hour shifts. She is still so surprised that nobody wants to spend time with her when she is so hurtful.

I blocked her on Whatsapp. I still talk to my father but told him today that I would no longer be doing calls only texts.

I seriously hate the hype around mother's day. I'm not going to send her anything and happily going to spend the money on a friend.

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Well done for setting those boundaries. It's so hard when those who are supposed to love us unconditionally are so selfish and hurtful.

Thank you. I still didn’t cave despite the messages from my brother.

I’m the one hurting her now.

I don't resent my brother but she has treated us differently.

I spent today crying over this too. Duck it’s been three days. There’s a reason I’ve been in therapy for almost five years now. I’m just so sad.

@rainbowlemon I know you from other threads on here, you're very knowledgeable and kind hearted, just want to send you a

@rainbowlemon I really admire your strength

rainbowlemon said:

Thank you. I still didn’t cave despite the messages from my brother.

I’m the one hurting her now.

I don't resent my brother but she has treated us differently.

I spent today crying over this too. Duck it’s been three days. There’s a reason I’ve been in therapy for almost five years now. I’m just so sad.

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I'm so sorry. Sending you love and strength.

rainbowlemon said:

Thank you. I still didn’t cave despite the messages from my brother.

I’m the one hurting her now.

I don't resent my brother but she has treated us differently.

I spent today crying over this too. Duck it’s been three days. There’s a reason I’ve been in therapy for almost five years now. I’m just so sad.

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oh man I can definitely empathise with this. Your brother means well and is probably being guilted himself but he’s becoming a flying monkey.

for what it’s worth - you are totally in the right to do what you are doing. Your relatives feeling sad/ashamed/guilty etc isn’t your responsibility. If people don’t treat you with respect then you have every right to put distance between yourself and them. It isn’t selfish or rude, it’s an act of self love.

You are showing a lot of strength of character and bravery to stand up to people you love, and not many people will understand that. Not many people are brave enough to do that - so I just wanted to send a supportive message for those moments of self doubt which are inevitable.

IME it’s pointless to argue with flying monkeys. I’d send a message along the lines of “I understand you feel concerned for our mother but this is a boundary im setting and something I need to do for myself. It isn’t up for discussion. I accept that you might not be able to understand but I do expect that you accept my decision to do what’s best for me and accept this is not something I want to discuss further”.

engaging in back and forths aren’t likely to win then over to your side, they’ll just fuel those seeds of self doubt (planted by years of gaslighting no doubt). Sometimes people just aren’t going to understand or approve of you and that’s ok.

Thank you for all of the replies and support. It really does mean a lot.

I took a screenshot of the above and wil try that with my brother if he brings it up but he's stopped.

He goes back every weekend that he can. I haven't gone back in 5 months.

Been lurking here for a while now. Its sad to hear of all the pain people's parent(s) inflict upon them.

I always had a very on and off, up and down relationship with my mum since my parents separated when I was 7. I'm 32 now. I lived with my mum initially but she wasn't coping very well and wasn't treating me very nice so I went to live with my dad. She didn't even try to contact my dad or see me until I turned 9. Since then it has been on and off. She is selfish beyond belief and only ever thinks of herself.

I stopped all contact a couple of years back. I had a group chat with my mum and sister and my mum was always slagging off my dad and saying he stole me away from her and that me and my sister left her when she needed us. I had never had the heart until then to tell her that I chose to go with my dad. But I got sick of her slagging him off all the time, when if it wasn't for him, I wouldn't have the life I have now.
And for her to blame two children and say that we left her when she needed us! We needed her! But she was a terrible excuse of a mother.

I always felt guilty at Christmas or birthdays when I present would arrive in the post for me. My partner convinced me to reach out to her so I did send some presents back. But it just made me angry that this was the depth of our relationship - an exchange of presents bi annually.

Christmas 2021 - my mum dropped presents off for me at my sisters house but she hadn't realised I had fallen out with my sister so she said she would collect them back again and I could collect from her. But I just didn't want to go to her house so I never went. And then my sister said she was saying I was ungrateful and she was never buying me anything again. So i said well I am glad! Then I won't feel the guilt of having to return the favour when I don't want to!

Just recently, my sister told me she has cut contact with my mum as well, and Christmas just gone my mum said she wasn't buying anything for my sister or her children because "that Jenny doesn't buy me any presents" on about me. (I've changed my name for the purpose of this story). My sister said well what does that have to do with any of us?? But my mum said they were all ungrateful and didn't get the kids anything at all.

Once, many years ago now, I moved into a new house and my mum said she had a few bits and pieces for me like lamps, cushions.. that sort of stuff. My partner at the time drove me up there to collect them and my mum opened the window and handed me the stuff out of the window and didn't even invite me in. She has always been very strange.

I am a size 14 but my BMI means I am obese because I’m like 5’0.

Recently I was misdiagnosed with cancer and then re diagnosed with 2 chronic health issues. More recently I’ve had an unexplained seizure.

My mother has repeatedly made comments about my weight. She then said my “bad” diet probably caused the seizure. Obviously this is not the case and the specialist said that’s got nothing to do with it.

A family wedding is coming up and she’s made multiple suggestions that I maybe should lose weight. I’ve been on steroids for the chronic health issues which led me to gain a stone.

Last night she sent me the link to the saxenda weight loss injections and said “don’t take this the wrong way but why don’t you do this?”.
I haven’t suggested to her that I want to lose weight.

I have commented that the steroids made me gain weight but I even joked that I’d rather be a bit rounder and alive than skinny and dead.

I’m 37 and it’s really getting to me. If I retaliate/make a comment back it causes a world war and I cannot be bothered with the drama.

My husband wanted to send her a message last night but I told him not to.

Sorry, I really just needed to rant. I’m so sick of it.

scottishblue_ said:

I am a size 14 but my BMI means I am obese because I’m like 5’0.

Recently I was misdiagnosed with cancer and then re diagnosed with 2 chronic health issues. More recently I’ve had an unexplained seizure.

My mother has repeatedly made comments about my weight. She then said my “bad” diet probably caused the seizure. Obviously this is not the case and the specialist said that’s got nothing to do with it.

A family wedding is coming up and she’s made multiple suggestions that I maybe should lose weight. I’ve been on steroids for the chronic health issues which led me to gain a stone.

Last night she sent me the link to the saxenda weight loss injections and said “don’t take this the wrong way but why don’t you do this?”.
I haven’t suggested to her that I want to lose weight.

I have commented that the steroids made me gain weight but I even joked that I’d rather be a bit rounder and alive than skinny and dead.

I’m 37 and it’s really getting to me. If I retaliate/make a comment back it causes a world war and I cannot be bothered with the drama.

My husband wanted to send her a message last night but I told him not to.

Sorry, I really just needed to rant. I’m so sick of it.

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I'm so sorry. This is awful. If you feel happy in your skin then that's all that should matter to a loving mother. Sounds like you have a supportive partner which is great. Please do not bow down to pressure from her to lose weight. You're a fully grown woman and it's none of her business. If you tried to talk to her about how it makes you feel would she listen? Do you have much contact with her? Backing off and minimising contact can work wonders for you MH.

Keep ranting as much as you like there are a lot of kind supportive people that use this thread. FWIW I resonate. I'm a size 12 / 14 a (but taller) and since my own narc mother had weight loss surgery she's making not so subtle hints about my weight. I just try and brush it off as I have ME which she pretends isn't a factor so somedays I can barely walk up the stairs let alone go to the gym! Anyway just wanted to say I hear you and understand. X

Hi all
Been lurking here on and off, I hope it’s ok to just write down how I’m feeling. I’ve had another upsetting interaction with my narcissistic dad today, he always comes when my husband is at work and I’m alone.

He’s demanding money from me (I got an inheritance from a relative and he genuinely feels entitled to some of it). He makes me feel like shit to try to manipulate me into doing what he wants. I have a husband and children, he’s not my priority but when moneys involved he acts like he is. He’s not poor, he owns a nice house in an expensive part of the country plus a few rentals, I rent my house.
Having an interview with a boss who doesn’t like you describes perfectly how he makes me feel. I actually told him today how my last interaction with him made me feel, his response was that he can’t make me feel a certain way, that’s all on me! I got a load of other abuse and he told me that he basically doesn’t like me. He also walked out of my house in a tantrum slamming the door because I didn’t say what he wanted to hear.

I know I’m going to go no contact, I can’t cope with this anymore. I know this is a bit tmi so I apologise, but I actually got diarrhoea from the stress from our last interaction. That’s how he makes me feel. I’m just gutted really, but he’ll never change. I can’t imagine making either of my kids feel like this.

Any advice for going no contact? Thank you

test_name_please_ignore said:

Hi all
Been lurking here on and off, I hope it’s ok to just write down how I’m feeling. I’ve had another upsetting interaction with my narcissistic dad today, he always comes when my husband is at work and I’m alone.

He’s demanding money from me (I got an inheritance from a relative and he genuinely feels entitled to some of it). He makes me feel like shit to try to manipulate me into doing what he wants. I have a husband and children, he’s not my priority but when moneys involved he acts like he is. He’s not poor, he owns a nice house in an expensive part of the country plus a few rentals, I rent my house.
Having an interview with a boss who doesn’t like you describes perfectly how he makes me feel. I actually told him today how my last interaction with him made me feel, his response was that he can’t make me feel a certain way, that’s all on me! I got a load of other abuse and he told me that he basically doesn’t like me. He also walked out of my house in a tantrum slamming the door because I didn’t say what he wanted to hear.

I know I’m going to go no contact, I can’t cope with this anymore. I know this is a bit tmi so I apologise, but I actually got diarrhoea from the stress from our last interaction. That’s how he makes me feel. I’m just gutted really, but he’ll never change. I can’t imagine making either of my kids feel like this.

Any advice for going no contact? Thank you

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Just popping in to say I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that you’re not alone here, and I hope it’s helped a small part to share your experience. There’s lots of like-minded people here, Sending love xx

screamqueen said:

Just popping in to say I’m so sorry you’re dealing with that you’re not alone here, and I hope it’s helped a small part to share your experience. There’s lots of like-minded people here, Sending love xx

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Thank you I really appreciate that. And yes even just sharing that does help in a way.
I will definitely be sticking around, in a weird way knowing others are going through similar makes me feel like I’m not so alone with this. My husband is incredible and so supportive, but he can be a little frustrating as he always thinks just appealing to my dads better side will make him see sense. But narcissists don’t have a better side do they!

test_name_please_ignore said:

Thank you I really appreciate that. And yes even just sharing that does help in a way.
I will definitely be sticking around, in a weird way knowing others are going through similar makes me feel like I’m not so alone with this. My husband is incredible and so supportive, but he can be a little frustrating as he always thinks just appealing to my dads better side will make him see sense. But narcissists don’t have a better side do they!

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Glad to hear you’ll be sticking around - honestly, this thread has so many brilliant people on it and it’s such a comfort to know so many of us share similar experiences

Also very pleased to hear you have a supportive husband, it really helps. Sounds like his hearts in the right place to try and appeal to your dads better side, but I think it’s often frustrating to have someone see things from our point of view, particularly if they don’t have experience with a narc parent.

Hope you’re doing okay xx

Hi everyone and welcome to new posters, hope you're all doing OK. I come looking for advice if any of you can give some insight I'd really appreciate it.

My mum is having a big operation on her foot in May so will be immobile for a number of weeks. I'll be working on my dissertation at the time and my daughter has her GCSEs too so will both be swamped. My mum has made it pretty clear she's expecting me to care for her along with my sister who works FT as a social worker and has 3 kids of her own. I'm really stressed about it. I don't drive as I have occasional blackouts due to ME and never felt safe on driving lessons. So she's been complaining about me not driving as she lives out in the sticks and no bus routes. Anyway, I know she will just keep going on about it and despite me usually being quite good with setting boundaries with her, I don't want my sister to feel its all on her, she has so much on her plate already and don't want to leave her in the lurch and stuck dealing with mum on her own, and her to get annoyed with me over it.

I also resent having my mother assume I'll be at her beck and call too. My daughter suffered with her MH pretty seriously in lockdown and is still having therapy for it. My mother didn't even pick up the phone to ask about her as she'd fallen out with me over something stupid at the time. My daughter has her own phone so she could have called her or text anytime. I'll never forget that. I don't mind so much if it's my health she's not bothered about as used to it, buy she basically shunned a vulnerable child, her own flesh and blood. My daughter resents her too, and now she's expecting us all to rally round her no questions asked.

If anyone has any advice I'd really appreciate it. Been so run down with everything I'm now full of cold as my immune system is shot to pieces. Sorry this is long. Needed to get it out there! X

Firstly, how old is your mum? If she is an oap and on a pension could you not contact social services and get her help from carers?

secondly, talk to your sister. You both need to be on the same page.

You don’t drive so how are you supposed to get there?

You are unwell yourself, you HAVE to put yourself first.

Just because she gave birth to you does not entitle her to dominate your life nor expect care.

I did everything for 40 years, ran myself into the ground but a similar thing with my own child was my walk away point. Never had any contact again and never went to the funeral. No regrets beyond the realisation that I didn’t matter, ever.

Thanks for the reply. She's early 60s and still working and yes think I will be mentioning arranging care via SS. She'll probably guilt trip me about it but that's to be expected. I do want to be able to drive and hoping at my next medical appointment I can get further advice on it. I think she thinks I don't drive to spite her! I would love nothing more than a car and the freedom that comes with it.

Going to speak to my sister over the weekend about it all. You're absolutely right. She should not expect anything but unfortunately narc parents don't think that way. She makes me so anxious and has a way of wearing me down. I suppose she'd expect me to get taxis, but I'd have to pay for them.

TheSlayer said:

I did everything for 40 years, ran myself into the ground but a similar thing with my own child was my walk away point. Never had any contact again and never went to the funeral. No regrets beyond the realisation that I didn’t matter, ever.

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Me too