Mumsnet #37 Wipe down my cucumber and sanitise my Hovis, I need to get my dicks in a row!

[BlairWaldorf86]

What goes through people’s heads right before they think “ahhh yes, I’ll post on Mumsnet”?

 

[Affiliatemebaby]

I’m considering getting weight loss jabs to be honest. I meet the NHS criteria for prescription, and I have tried every type of (sensible) diet going. Now I’m in menopause absolutely nothing works and the weight is just piling on. I have been lurking on the Mounjaro threads and lots of them seem to be in the same position. It really is miserable when ‘eat less, move more’ is brought out as it really is so much more complex than that for some of us. I don’t binge, comfort eat, I eat pretty healthily, go to the gym, but nothing is working for me. The thing that stops me so far is the idea of it all coming back on. But some of the people posting on there sound just like I feel to be honest, and seem to be trying to find the right way of eating for them.

 

[Serene Serena]

I know the first rule of MN is that on any thread about a famous person, by the end of the first page someone must comment ‘Who? Never heard of them’ in order to signal how highbrow and clever they are, but I find it impossible to believe there are multiple people on MN, and therefore regularly accessing the internet, who have never heard of Taylor Swift.

Taylor Swift? Who’s he?

 

[CrimsonCountess]

So you've had 3 portions of carbs for lunch? AND you'll be having another meal later? Think of the DNHS and the dcoroner when they have to deal with you

 

[Girl#7]

I'm shaking and crying here.
My partner's phone use has increased massively recently.
He's attempting to convince me he is obsessively inputting details to his diet app.
He has recently been diagnosed as diabetic, and is following a strict diet to avoid medication.

He's cheating isn't he?
I believe it's time initiate The Waterfowl Protocol, isn't it?
Can anyone can PLEASE talk me down, and help me return to my v.v. pretty self away from these ugly tears and dripping nose?

Anyone????

 

[bread-pitt]

Isn’t that what an air fryer is for? To fry the air that you eat when you want a treat? Usually I go for raw air with maybe just a splash of dust. But once a month I treat myself to fried air.

 

[50degreesnorth]

That’s pretty insensitive. My mum died years ago and I wish she were still alive to brush her hair.

 

[50degreesnorth]

So, so far it’s an alcoholic drink or an adhesive… wait right there while I go and make a baby to give it this amazing name

Urgh. You don’t have sex with your DH do you? That’s so unhygienic. I didn’t have sex with my husband until my youngest was 19 as I was still breastfeeding.

 

[orangehead]

This screenshot of a post sums up the prissiness and wannabe middle class-ness of the typical MN poster.
---
‘Casual trainers’

Why can they never name anything. Always ‘a well known brand’ ‘a hobby’ ‘think French’ just say it or don’t bother posting. It’s the MN version of posting ‘fuming’ on Facebook.

 

[orangehead]

They are so sanctimonious. Someone was disappointed that her 26 year old daughter in a professional job only got her book from a charity shop for Christmas which only cost £2.49. They are most saying that it’s the thought that counts and calling the OP a money grabber.

I don’t think that gifts should be measured solely by how much they cost but surely you would have added a box of chocolates or a bottle of wine to the book before giving.

Maybe the daughter is still upset about being kicked out on her 18th birthday after a childhood of salads, no snacks and having to justify everything she wanted to do with what the coroner should be told if she died from it

 

[TheMiceInTheShed]

My lodger has stolen some expensive foundation is shaping up to be a superb multi-thread saga, with actresses being suggested to play the role of CF lodger and wet lettuce OP, and text messages being composed to send to the thief.
The foundation was in a box of odds and ends in the kitchen, the lodger left it opened in the bathroom and the packaging in full view - doesn't sound like the actions of a thief to me, more like someone who has thought it wasn't wanted, particularly as the OP divulges that her partner gets the stuff cheap or free. Then she drops in the bombshell that she thinks her lodger might have stolen some kitchen tongs and a colander as well Riveting stuff.

Then she drops in the bombshell that she thinks her lodger might have stolen some kitchen tongs and a colander as well

I wish I got the opportunity to steal a colander. The one I have is full of holes.

 

[Cheddar Chalpupa]

This is … interesting

I would LTB because that would give me the absolute ick if he was telling the truth. Have a fucking word with yourself, ya bellend. Fucking ghosts.

 

[CrimsonCountess]

If it's a MN roast potato, made with no fat and sprinkled liberally with despair and anxiety, one is all you'll want.

Mumsnet #38 sprinkled liberally with despair and anxiety

I know it's early but that would make a great thread title

 

[bread-pitt]

I actually enjoy ironing... do I have to hand in my Tattle card now? Though to be fair, I wear scrubs and t-shirts for work and gym clothes or PJs when off the cock and rarely go out so I iron approximately.....four times a year. Probably wouldn't like it if I had to do it all the time.
---

Nice! Some of my finest trolling is stashed in the archives of academia! I feel like this should go on my CV, I'm dead chuffed.

Off the cock? What kind of work is this, may I ask?

 

[Sunlifeover50]

I always wonder how all these women would feel if the babies grandparents didn’t give a shit. E.g the “I’m pregnant and my Pils want to visit baby the first week they’re born but we just want to be alone” brigade.

Like if the grandparents turned around and said “yeah no worries we don’t really want to see them all that much they’re a bit boring at that age we just thought you’d expect it. We’ll just stick to birthdays and special occasions, works for us as we’d like to enjoy our retirement so please don’t ask us for childcare because we’re going to be too busy blowing our pension/ your inheritance making up for lost time (not going to be much left in pot for you I’m afraid). Will see you when we’re back from 6 months travelling… Hope that is enough time for you guys”.

 

[Serene Serena]

What's Home Bargains?

Same as Harrods only cheaper

 

[Itchy of Itchington]

I didn't leave my eldest overnight until she was about 1 but that was because she was a soul sapping demon breastfed and I stupidly got into the habit of breastfeeding her to sleep and co-sleeping so she basically had access to the boob buffet all night and would not go to sleep without me. Did I learn my lesson for my second child...no. because I am an absolute twat at times.

. My husband likes to remind me of the child free wedding we went that was our first night out without the baby and I got so drunk I fell over backwards trying to put my shoe back on. Thank god I was so drunk I bounced. Imagine if I'd hit my head, died and he had to tell DCoroner what a terrible neglectful drunken selfish mother I was

 

[Girl#7]

In a desperate attempt to assimilate on MN, I have drawn up a wee shopping list. Will this cut it?

• Veet (for the arsehole)
• Spray Starch (for the ironing)
• One chicken breast+shoulder (4x4 adult meals)
• Ten cubes of Gruyère (PFB's school lunch x 5)

I desperately, desperately hope so. <claps hands in delight>

Disclaimer: I will, naturally, add a couple of litres of vodka and Doritos to the list, but I won't tell the vipers that!

 

[sistersofpercy]

My friend made some recently for Eid and they were amazing. Good enough to make me nix my lifelong "but what are dates good for?" shower thought.


The only French thing I can say perfectly (full on French accent with all the nasal-y and gargle-y stuff) is L'Arc de Triomphe. To English speakers it sounds like I've got a wicked hacking cough, but French speakers in the vicinity come running as fast as their little baguette legs can carry them.

My late mother, for reasons I never quite understood, could sing the entire French national anthem with a perfect accent. It was deeply impressive for a woman with a very broad Northern accent who'd never been to France.

 

[Miss Begotten]

Graphic photo. Desperate. Possible thrombosed hemerroid? I literally want to go to A&E

Well stop posting photos of your scabby arse and literally go to fucking A and E then.
What is wrong with them all?