FUR BABIES IN THE WOOD.
ACT 10.
Scene 1. Miscanthus’ Garden. Day.
As the curtain rises we find ourselves in the garden of our much loved Miscanthus. It is very similar to Araminta Arden’s garden inasmuch as it is very clear that both are exceedingly great plantswomen and know their way around a horticultural eye feast. Miscanthus’ garden however, has 3 greenhouses since she needs the space and uses it liberally to ensure that the highest standards are achieved for her Clients at the National Trust. We see a long nose pushing her garden gate open. A limping dog enters. She is an Afghan Hound who has clearly (judging by the state of her coat) not had a bath for a very long time. She is bedraggled and her poor legs hurt her more than she would care to admit. She sniffs around gingerly and decides that this is where she would like to stay for the time being. She sits down very slowly by the back door and waits...Eventually, Miscanthus opens her back door. She carries an enormous plant pot full of ‘Miscanthus sinensis eulalia ‘Gracillimus’ and is taken aback to find a dog waiting to greet her. Miscanthus places the large pot on the floor and approaches...
Miscanthus. Oh my! You poor thing! How did you get here? This is really odd but it feels like I already know you. I absolutely love Afghan Hounds! Oh my!
Afghan Hound. Hello! My name is Duchess. I met a Bag Lady on the street and she told me I should come here and visit you. I have been shut up in the back of a Butcher’s van for so long and my legs hurt because I can’t stretch them out. I never get taken for walks because he is so busy and so I have run away. The Bag Lady said you have always wanted an Afghan Hound. So I had a little sniff around your garden and I think I might be happier here with you for a little while. I’ve lost most of my appetite so I don’t need much food and I would really like to have a good bath and hair wash. I dream of having long, glamorous silky hair again! I can’t tell you how awful it is for me to have to look like this. My parents were Champions you know. I came from a long line of very well bred dogs. Please tell me I can stay...just for a little while...
Miscanthus is in shock. Her feelings waver from wanting to strangle the Bag Lady for sending her this unexpected surprise to wanting to get down on the floor herself to hold this poor dog and give her some reassurance. She chooses the latter and begins to gently stroke Duchess. Duchess places her once beautiful head on Miscanthus’ knee and gazes up at her adoringly. They spend a long while sitting on the floor together getting to know each other. For the first time in her life Duchess is experiencing real affection. She loves it. It feels wonderful.
Duchess. Do you think you can help me to look beautiful again? Please?
FADE
Scene 2. Clearing in the Wood. Day.
As the lights come up the eagle-eyed amongst us will notice that the new sign over the porch says Dunshootin’. It is Christmas Eve and the Company are all on stage in a flurry of excitement. The Angelic Realm Chorus are all busy hanging up their stockings on The Rainbow Bridge. The Dogs are hanging up their stocking at the bottom of their dog-beds. Those dogs without beds gather Upstage and begin hanging up their stockings on the banner they helped to make. The Cats have chosen the Christmas trees behind their clearing and their Christmas stockings look resplendent as they hang in serried rows. The eagle-eyed amongst us will notice the placement SL of a new manger for hay for our 3 ponies. This was kindly gifted by our anonymous benefactor. Our 3 Rabbits, 3 Hamsters and Billy the budgerigar along with Sonic the Hedgehog have chosen to hang their stockings on the lowest of the branches of their big beautifully decorated Christmas tree. Marmalade nods down at them as they do so. She is very happy to see all this Christmas activity carried out by such a lovely, happy group of friends. She hums ‘Good King Wenceslas’ to herself as she muses that she now knows how he must have felt when he last looked out. This is the best day of the year for Charlie the Havanese. He just loves a good Christmas sock to charge around the stage with. His great pal Musli Umbrage uses her `Havanese‘ skills to help him. She now loves being chased with a stocking in her mouth and regards this as an art form. She is very impressed at how so many dogs can have so much fun with just 2 stockings. It’s amazing really. Maddie can hear all the fun and laughs as the dogs become more and more excited. Sherlock, Egon, Toi, Nero, Ben Spaniel, Elvis, Ben Pointer, Nobby, Henry, Bentley, Nacho, Frank, Beloved Jamie, Roo, George, Buttons, Makan, Gem, Senta and Billie have all chased Charlie and Musli Umbrage and now the two plan to make a splash with their invitations to Bonnie, Harper, the Dachshunds Snoopy, Muffin, Tilly, Teddy, Silvi, Lulu and Poppy. Later today they plan on cajoling Marley, Pepper, Casper Cocker, Sky, RubyRu, Kaiser, Rupert, Lulu, Coco, Cooper and Luna into joining him in the world’s best game ever. Our Great Danes Murphy and Bob both think it’s best to watch and cheer our 2 Havaneses on because if their long legs enter the affray it will be total mayhem! Griffin and Dinah like to stay close to the Great Danes and remain happy to watch with them. Sonic the Hedgehog keeps getting stuck on his own stocking as he tries to trundle with the 2 dogs. It’s most frustrating for him. Tweedles keeps trying to help get him unstuck but is thwarted by his prickles each time. They both decide that its better to hang his stocking back on the tree to save any mishaps. Tweedles compliments Sonic for giving it such a good try. Our 3 ponies have hung their stocking on the manger. Their hay has started to taste so much better since the manger arrived. Placed CS is a large wooden tub of water. Hilda Über Alles has rolled her sleeves up and is bathing Beggy. There are soap suds and bubbles gushing out of the wooden tub. Hilda is leaving no hair follicle left un-scrubbed, She’s going to clean these two puppies up within an inch of their lives after all they have been through. Then they will be able to enjoy Christmas Eve in the fragrance of cleanliness. Grammy is hiding behind the Christmas tree. Somehow he doesn’t like the look of that wooden tub. Oh no.
Hilda. Murphy and Bob! Where are those big boys? Come along now both of you. Chop, chop...I your help help. Grammy is hiding behind the Christmas tree. I need you to bring him to me. Come on...lickety split. It’s time for me to give him his good scrub - after all he’s been through!
Murphy and Bob have been making sausages for tomorrow’s Christmas dinner with the Hygge sausage making machine standing in the wings. The machine was kindly gifted by who knows who. They have been having such a lark and Bob has transformed Murphy into an Egyptian mummy by completely covering him in sausages which he has wound around him. Trying to bide time for Grammy they enter SR and begin to do an Egyptian Sand Dance across the stage. Murphy leads and Bob follows. He wears a fez. They each place a fore-paw in front of them and one behind and continuously stick their necks out backwards and forward as they parody Egyptian tomb paintings. The orchestra strikes up with The Egyptian March by Johann Strauss ll. The Two Great Danes are so tall when they dance on their hind legs. Backwards and forwards they dance across the stage shuffling through imaginary sand; much to the amusement of our Fur Babies. Suddenly the orchestra strike up with ‘The Stripper‘ by David Rose. Bob begins to peel the long string of sausage from Murphy as they bump their hips in all the right places. Towards the end of the music they break off 12 sausages each and twirl them above their heads. When the music finishes Hilda realises she hasn’t got any time to enjoy herself by watching 2 talented Great Danes dance and she really should be scrubbing Grammy after the terrible ordeal he has had to endure. She tuts and goes and catches Grammy herself and gives him the most thorough scrub in the history of good scrubs. The bubbles and suds increase five-fold. Once the two puppies are pink and clean Hilda dries them both on her towelling pinafore and looks around to make sure no-one is watching before she kisses them on their noses. She stands back and watches them as they run around the stage with their new found friends. A Greyhound enters SL followed by Ma Pastry. The Greyhound is very handsome and both of our Greyhounds prick their ears up. They recognise him! It’s Lonely! It’s Lonely without his silver spray paint that he wore when he was a moving statue. Oh how different he looks! How handsome he is! Ma Pastry gets three little cakes out of her basket.
Ma Pastry. Hello my Dearios. Lonely and I just wanted to drop by on Christmas Eve to drop off some special little cakies I have baked for dear little Beggy and Grammy to welcome them to our wood. Here you are Hilda Uber Alles - you put these in a safe place for tomorrow. It’s our little present to them.
She looks at Lonely knowingly. She can tell that all the Fur Babies are shocked at the difference in his appearance.
Ma Pastry. I think we better tell them our good news don’t you my dear?
Lonely. Well! You see the thing is that when my fiancée (everyone gasps) and I met for the first time you will remember she made me a beautiful cake (everyone nods) and so afterwards I went to her kitchen to say thank you. She invited me to come in and sit by her fire and so I did. She has the best fire I ever sat in front off and I loved it. I also loved all the smells in her kitchen. By the time we had finished our long conversation that night I loved her too. I now help her deliver her cakes and I don’t have to cover myself in silver spray paint any more. She’s changed my life! It’s all so wonderful!
Ma Pastry. Yes! We want you to know that we are getting married tomorrow and we want you all to come to our wedding!
Company. Hurrah, hurrah, hurrah! Oh how wonderful for you both! How wonderful for us! A Christmas Wedding! Hurrah!
Ma Pastry. Yes my Dearios. I’ve already made the Wedding Cake - it‘s got 6 tiers so there will be enough for everyone...
FADE
When the lights come back up Hilda, Ma Pastry and Lonely have gone back to Ma Pastry’s kitchen so that Hilda can spring clean it in readiness for the big event. Our Fur Babies have had their bedtime story which was read to them by Egon and they have all settled down for the night. The stockings all hang in the moonlight, as one by one each Fur Baby drifts off to sleep full of happiness and contentment. They have so much to look forward to tomorrow. Father Christmas will have been and then there will be a wedding to attend. Tomorrow will be the happiest day of the year. Marmalade, as always, is the last Fur Baby to fall asleep. After she does we hear the jingling of bells and as we gaze at the dark sky we see a sleigh drawn by 9 Reindeer appear. The reindeer stop their furious galloping and the sleigh lands easily on the stage. A BEAMING red-cheeked Santa Claus heaves himself out of the sleigh and carefully selects the sack marked Fur Babies in the Wood. Inside the huge sack are several smaller sacks. He hands the the first one marked Dogs to Dasher. Dasher the Reindeer fills all the Dog‘s Christmas stockings with the gifts they have asked for. Dancer the Reindeer takes the sack marked Cats and all the Cat’s stockings are filled. Prancer the Reindeer takes the sack marked Ponies and fills their stockings. Vixen takes the gifts for the Hamsters and fills their stockings. Comet the Reindeer takes the sack marked Hedgehog and Budgie and places Sonic’s much yearned for huge jar of earthworms, beetles and wood lice In his stocking. He places a hard cuttle fish and a silver bell in Billy’s stocking. Cupid takes the sack marked Rabbits and fills their stockings. The whole time they are doing this Donner and Blitzen are sprinkling magical dream dust over all the Fur Babies. The magic dust glitters and sparkles and glints in the moonlight. Santa Claus rummages inside his warm red coat and pulls out a Conductor‘s Baton. He tip-toes over to Bella and places in her paw. He then tip toes over to Maddie and Casper the Ragdoll and strokes their eyes and their heads. He then takes his time and fondly strokes each Fur Baby in turn as they sleep. He finally floats up to stroke Marmalade at the top of the beautiful Christmas tree. When he floats down again he stands with a hand on his hip, surveying and appreciating this most peaceful of scenes. He smiles with his head tilted to one side as he scratches his bushy, long white beard. Rudolph stands with a sack of coal and looks inquisitively at Santa Claus. Santa shakes his head...
Santa Claus. Definitely no coal required here. All of these Fur Babies have been so, so very good this year - just like they have been every year I have been visiting them.
FADE
As the stage lights fade a single spotlight focuses on Beggy and Grammy who are lying fast asleep in the manger. The three gifts of Gooseberry Cake, Frangipani Cake and Madeira Cake lie besides them - as a bright new star appears in the East.
BLACKOUT
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he did so well on stage too
x
You got the campaign, you did the campaign, now move on and stop dragging up the negativity!
It’s much more embarrassing to attempt a (weird) pseudo-clap back when the spelling and/or grammar is trash.
