SLC - Hi, I'm calling from the Student Loan Company, please may I speak with Miss Lydia Millen?
Lydia - Sorry she is not available, this is Lady Julia of the Bungalow.
SLC - Do you know where I may find Miss Millen?
Lydia - Yeah, at Mwkdonnawlds in Watford. She doesn't really live in Buckinghamshire.
SLC - Please can you ask her to call me back? We've received information from HMRC regarding underpayment of her student loan.
Lydia - Those whiny little hoe trolls. Trying to ruin my special day. I'm shaking. Imma tell you something for free, that Susan is a snitch. I'll bleeping bury her in a ditch. Some people just need a high five. In the face. With a chair. And as for you, you'll never work again, believing her over me, you silly little moo moo.
SLC - So, Miss Millen I take it is you and you're not having a psychotic episode? You need to repay the remaining balance in full.
Lydia - I will ignore you so hard you will start to doubt your own existence. No actually I want a refund. I didn't even learn anything. Not one thing. Then I traumatically endured homelessness. It took me 57 gallons of laughing gas to recover. I actually want to make a claim for compensation, who do I need to speak with?
SLC - You have until the 1st September to make payment, Miss Millen. Goodbye.
Lydia - Why don't you go and play in traffic! *slams phone down* WHERE IS MY FIANCĆ???? *eventually finds him in the church closet*
Ali - Lydia, what are you doing? It's bad luck to see the bride before the wedding. Wait, are you on your period again?
Lydia - Shuttttupppppp you six toed pathetic cabbage, they're my flowers. The wedding is OFF! We've been caught out...
Ali - *quickly interrupts* I was only practising my vows with Dave in the closet.
Lydia - Not that you frying pan of an imbecile. The haters are trying to ruin my wedding day. I'm being harassed, abused, annihilated 24/7...I can't take it, I need 4 days in bed to recover.
Ali - You can't let everyone down Lydia. After the wedding, you can retreat to bed. Consummating a heterosexual marriage is so overrated anyway.
Lydia - You're right. For once. They're all here to see me. I can't ruin their lives too. Plus, if we call it off we might not get to keep all the wedding gifts. I'll sacrifice my own trauma for the greater good. I'm such a snazzy meatball.
Lydia - CAWWWEEEEE! CAWWWEEEEE! I NEED CARBSSSSS! Where is that uncultured cockeyed cranberry cocksucker? I'm definitely now not paying her today to be my bridesmaid.